Why do I feel guilty after sex?

[LinkH]

..... or you could try to be a good husband, rather than looking at what your wife needs to do to "satisfy" you; you could focus on being a good husband (which is what you are called to do).

Why would you assume he isn't?

If he is being a good husband, and his wife is not living up to her duties as a wife, shouldn't he try to help her grow in this area?

 

[LinkH]

http://www.christianforums.com/t7588247/#post58417684

From your posts, it sounds as if it's been like this from the very beginning.

If I recall correctly, they were already engaged at the time.

My wife and I were prophesied over about us going to many different places and ministering to many different people-- which implied we would be together. I had just decided in prayer that I was going to ask her to marry me either that morning or the day before. Actually, I would have loved to have had some confirmation like that while I was dating her and it seemed the Lord was telling me she was the one we would marry. I suppose He waited until I worked it out with Him first before doing that.

I know a couple that has had a rocky relationship that believe the Lord told them to marry. They both have a lot of 'issues.' I wouldn't say it is not from the Lord, though.

 

[JanniGirl]

Why would you assume he isn't?

If he is being a good husband, and his wife is not living up to her duties as a wife, shouldn't he try to help her grow in this area?

Frankly, it doesn't sound as if he's being a good husband. He may be, but his presentation of himself and how he represents his wife doesn't seem to paint the picture of a sacrificing husband who is busy laying down his life for his bride.

 

[LinkH]

Honestly feels like I'm fighting the battle alone. If it keeps going like this, I won't be surprised if she leaves, or if I have to actually swallow my pride and say, "It's over." I really want neither, and would like to see these problems be confronted, taken care of, us to be happy, stable, and see our marriage bless rocky marriages. But I have made my peace on it. If this marriage were to end, I would be ok. But I'd rather that not be the case. I actually do love her. I just don't love the way she feels the need to make me feel like.

Rebelling against Christ is swallowing your pride? The Proverbs warn repeatedly about a quarrelsome wife, but the Bible does not teach that being quarrelsome and rebellious is grounds for divorcing one's wife. Maybe it could keep you out of certain ministries, but not for divorce.

With her attitudes about sex, it seems unlikely that she is committing adultery on you. Why would you even consider the idea of the marriage being over.

I don't think you should have your wife leave the house to cool down. Kicking someone out of the house for something just sends the wrong message. Making her leave the house makes it feel like you are kicking her out-- in some foreign country. If you want to leave to cool down or to give her a chance to cool down, I don't see a problem with that as long as you tell her you are taking a walk or running an errand while she cools down and that you will be back. Anything that could be perceived as you leaving or you kicking her out of the home should be off-limits.

You are the man. You are the leader. You have to lead on this idea of no divorce. The idea of divorce shouldn't be brought up, like you wrote down in your proposed agreement. It shouldn't be tolerated. You have to get this option of things not working out out of your mind. Swallowing your pride would be living through this difficult mess until things get straightened out.

I wonder what Hosea's wife acted like around the house. At least it doesn't sound like you have any of these sexual unfaithfulness issues to deal with that he had to deal with. Just think of his assignment, the woman he had to be married to. If God gave you an assignment of being married to this woman, be thankful she isn't like Gomer, and do what the Lord has given you to do. If you choose to be married to a woman, God expects you to honor your commitment.

About your list of rules-- I think it is too long. Keep it simple. "No yelling." "No criticizing someone else's apology." You don't need an explanation for each rule. Do that verbally. If you keep it simple, she might just agree to it. If you put commentary on your list, you are writing a list of criticisms about her.

I still don't get why a woman may not be able to just make up right away after an argument either. You have to be realistic. Sometimes, they need some time to deal with their thoughts.

Don't let her beat you down and make you think her emotional issues are all your fault. Apologize if you do something wrong, but you aren't responsible for all of her anger issues.

 

[LinkH]

Frankly, it doesn't sound as if he's being a good husband. He may be, but his presentation of himself and how he represents his wife doesn't seem to paint the picture of a sacrificing husband who is busy laying down his life for his bride.

I haven't seen all the threads he's written, but based on what he's written here, I don't see any reason for you to judge him like that. If you want to say something like that, why not say it to him privately through a PM?

 

[chaz345]

Frankly, it doesn't sound as if he's being a good husband. He may be, but his presentation of himself and how he represents his wife doesn't seem to paint the picture of a sacrificing husband who is busy laying down his life for his bride.

And what exactly would that look like to you? I'm asking because I've never seen you even begin to suggest that there's anything right about what the man is doing in any of the troubled marriage situations we've seen here. It almost seems that if the guy wants anything at all out of the marriage then he's in the "not sacrificing for his wife" box.

 

[LinkH]

And what exactly would that look like to you? I'm asking because I've never seen you even begin to suggest that there's anything right about what the man is doing in any of the troubled marriage situations we've seen here. It almost seems that if the guy wants anything at all out of the marriage then he's in the "not sacrificing for his wife" box.

I notice on this forum that a woman in a sexless marriage will, rightly, get a lot of empathy and compassion from both genders.

I'd venture to say that if a man allowed his wife to sin by depriving him of sex, this is not loving. Helping someone sin is not love. Love does not delight in iniquity but rejoices in the truth.

 

[JaneFW]

Kicking someone out of the house for something just sends the wrong message. Making her leave the house makes it feel like you are kicking her out-- in some foreign country.

I find myself in the rare situation of agreeing with Link. If this is what you are doing - which I couldn't get the gist of from your post - then you need to stop. When I came to the US, I was not then a US citizen. My husband would threaten to "send me home" whenever he was angry or frustrated (not the same kind of frustrations that you have btw), and this made me very fearful and angry. What I didn't realize at the time was that he could not send me home anyway, as I was a Permanent Resident and didn't need his "permission" to live in the US. BUT, the threat was there, and it frightened me that I might be forced to leave without my child. This is not a loving way to treat a spouse, no matter what are their wrongdoings. It is just intimidation. Ask yourself whether Jesus ever did anything by intimidation? No! He led with love.

(And just FTR, I went through the naturalization process in 2008, and in part, this was to secure my status in this country, because I did not want him to ever have that power of staying or leaving over me.)

I'm not saying that the way you wife behaves is the right way, but threatening her with deportation is very unlikely to increase her love or desire for you - and you are hearing that from someone who has BTDT.

 

[suzybeezy]

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Sorry folks, per our Statement of Purpose: Married Couples - updated 2/13/2012

Intimate topics (how to deal with addiction to pornography, intimacy problems, etc.) will only be allowed in the separate forums for married men's/women's personal topics. Be cautious when wording these posts. Don't be too graphic in the OP or any replies. No promotion of the use of porn allowed.

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