Why do I feel guilty after sex?

[147]

It seems like, unfailing, after sex, I always feel guilty for the act.

I don't understand why I would feel these feelings. I know full well that sex is supposed to be shared in a marriage, and is a fundamental part of a healthy marriage, and I was excited about it when we got married. But yet I feel guilt after the act.

 

[Sabertooth]

I don't know your background, but if you were involved in any illicit sex outside of your marriage, either physically or in your deliberate thought life, that could attach shame to your present sexual experience.

I am mildly autistic and was molested in my early teens. Because of my autism and that I was tricked (instead of forced), I didn't realize it was molestation until later. It really confused my views about my own sex drive and sexuality, in general. As a result, I behaved inappropriately in some shameful situations. Physically/technically, I remained a virgin the whole time.

After getting saved and, later, married, I, too, still had shame in what should have been sanctified sexuality. I read Song of Solomon and one of its commentaries by Dillow(?) and a number of other Christian books about married sexuality. There is also a really good website, The Marriage Bed

These helped somewhat. I have also been to some deliverance ministry churches, like Vineyard, and they were really helpful in getting rid of so much of that shame. Even if your shame arises from something else, visiting a deliverance church may still help.

 

[chaz345]

I agree with the possibility that it could be connected to pre-maritial sex or past sexual abuse. Are either of those present? If not then it's likely due to wrong messages about sex that were imparted by your parents when you were growing up.

 

[visionary]

Invite God into the act.. and immerse in it as God inspires you to.. He will kept the marriage bed sacred, holy, and beautiful as He designed it to be.

 

[Sabertooth]

... Also porn is called 'dirty filthy movies' rather than stating that it is the absence of a marriage certificate that makes it dirty'...

That is only one facet that makes it wrong. Even if they are married, the immodesty of sharing this with an outside observer is also wrong. Or maybe a "Peeping Tom" gathered those images without their permission. That would make the viewer his/her accomplice after-the-fact.

For instructional purposes, I believe illustrations, lay figures, etc. are more appropriate, if they are representing the marriage bed, not general promiscuity.

 

[LinkH]

Also porn is called 'dirty filthy movies' rather than stating that it is the absence of a marriage certificate that makes it dirty'.

And the fact that the people not associated with the certificate are watching it.

 

[blackribbon]

Our society (and even the Church) has warped what God intended to be the ultimate act of love within a marriage. The true act of sex is a bonding experience between two married people. Look at your experience...how do you see it? Is it about becoming as close to your wife as you can or is it just a physical act to make you feel good.

Next time look at it as a chance to show your love to your wife without expecting anything in return. That means, lovemaking starts long before you even can see the bedroom. That means serving her outside the bedroom without expecting anything in return. Women are command to "submit" because that is one of the hardest things for us to do and men are command to "love"...and that means more than sex.

Good sex isn't about the act so much as the relationship. If it feels "dirty", then work on the relationship and forget the "positions".

 

[iambren]

Ok, this is a different take on it and I do believe I have felt this feeling you are talking about. Here goes---

1 Post Fall Adam and Eve were naked and felt ashamed. The sentence of death had fallen and Paradise was lost.

2 When you make love as a married couple you become one. This is a mystery but somehow there is a fusion of the souls.

3 Creation account says--In the image of God He created them
Male and Female created He them.
Parallelism--- Image of God is related to genders differently created.

4 There's a mystical holiness in the oneness of mating.

5 When the marital act of intimacy ends there is a resumption of being one and this is experienced as a loss of something holy.

 

[Stephen Kendall]

I felt guilt from lesser sex than the moral sex of marriage, but I don't feel any guilt with my with wife. Sometimes, I thank God for her while having sex with her. Sex with her is the only sex that I have now or desire to have (ever). I want her happy when I am with her. Sex throughout my life was always giving me shame, before my present marriage. I waited until marriage to have sex with my wife. We made that decision early on. It was about a nine month wait. I enjoy her most thankfully to my God. I could not imagine being ashamed at all. Better enjoy her now, for when the babies come, sex is rarer, yet treasured.

 

[dayhiker]

There is a biological things that happens at [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] that is very quick and might be giving you this thought of guilt. But right at the end of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] there is a chemical released that is amazingly quick in changing how most men feel. Just before [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] we want to keep going and then right after we aren't very interested any more. I forget the name of the hormones that are released, but you might want to read up on it. Might be part of what your experiencing.

 

[Sabertooth]

Would that be "prostaglandin?"

 

[peckaboo]

Do you mind me asking how long you've been married? My husband struggled with a similar thing for the first, I dunno, 7 or 8 months of our marriage. It was a result of him always having being given the impression that sex itself was a dirty act. Expilicitly of course he'd been told that the right place for sex was within marriage, but that was almost a throwaway comment in the midst of an overriding "sex, genitals, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], all of it is wrong!" message. He'd also used porn as a teenager, despite believing it was wrong, so he associated the sensation of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with the sensation of guilt.

We talked about this, and prayed about it together, not so much that God would take his "problem" away, but we would both thank God for giving us a spouse that we found hot, and for giving us a sexual nature and a safe place to express that nature, and we'd pray that everything we did, the sexual side as well as the more mundane, would be glorifying to him. I had to accept also that sex wasn't going to be like it's portrayed in Cosmo magazine - all crazy gymnastics and swinging from the chandaliers! - at least for a while. I was careful not to suggest anything too, uh "freaky" at the start, that might remind him of something that he'd seen in porn, and to always affirm him afterwards and tell him how much I love him. With time and prayer, the feelings he'd previously associated with guilt became associated with love, and now he doesn't have a problem with it at all.

Have you talked to your wife at all about your feelings?

 

[peckaboo]

Also, iambren, that's a very interesting process that you describe. I've never felt guilt after making love to my husband, but sometimes I've felt kind of... lonely, I guess. No matter how satisfying I was, or how "in love" I feel with him. When you put it like that, though, those feelings make sense.

 

[147]

It's been 7 months tomorrow.

Delayed response to this thread, but here's what's been going down. We haven't even had sex since the OP.

Honestly, I find more and more that she makes me feel guilty for sex. After we finished, instead of sharing intimacy, she would just tell me to go quickly wash myself, because I was dirty after doing so. When I came back from the bathroom, she was fully dressed, in another part of the house, trying to pretend like sex didn't happen. (Note that at no point does she go to wash herself, so apparently I'm the only one dirty post-coitus?)

In January we had an explosive argument (During PMS, naturally), where she told me things like:

-She hates sex
-She especially hates sex with me
-I'm dirty and disgusting
-There is no way anyone could want sex with me

This was not the first time such statements (or similar) were made. She made them also in November. In October, she had me so frustrated that I tried to leave the apartment to take a walk, trying to calm down. She accused me of wanting to go over to a female friend of our's apartment (someone in our church group here), and told me "Yeah, go over there and have sex with xxxxxxx, because that's the only sex you will get now!"

She eventually came down off her PMS, but I'm fairly certain she is sticking to her guns over this. Ever since, she has refused me any time I try to initiate. She has flat out admitted she has zero interest in sex (when she was calm, so it wasn't a PMS moment), so if I'm expected to wait for her to initiate, I'll be waiting until I'm dead.

Then she talks about having children together. It's almost like a taunt to me now. Because we have to have sex to have children (and she's not talking in terms of adoption either, like natural conception talks), and yet she just will not have sex with me at all. Honestly, at this point, I don't even want to conceive, because I feel, with her attitude toward sex, after the pain of childbirth, she will be highly resentful of me, and sex, and it will never happen again.

Really, I'm at a loss for what to do here. I've tried talking to my pastor and my married friends, and they just turn silent when I bring this issue up. I really have no clue what to do, but I feel like I'm perpetually swimming upstream in this issue. Every time I get rejected is a blow to my psyche, like "Wow, if my own wife doesn't want to have sex with me, how disgusting must I be?"

I don't even know how I could begin to dissect her feelings on the matter. But this wedge she's putting between us is driving me crazy.

 

[Conservativation]

Kids in some cultures are told their genitals are 'dirty' things, only ever to be used in the toilet, and NEVER be shown to another. Accidently seeing anothers is considered 'bad'.

Fast forward to marriage. The idea of showing, seeing ,mutual touching, caressing and even lip service occurs. The 'guilt' is understandable !!.

As a teen, I couldn't fathom how 'decent' aunties would show their parts to the hubby. Let alone be touched and actually enjoy it!!. Browsing 'The Joy of Sex' at a libraray changed my view for ever !!.

Sex is one of few things that is easier DONE than SAID !!. Talking about it is considered taboo. Also porn is called 'dirty filthy movies' rather than stating that it is the absence of a marriage certificate that makes it dirty'. Respectable, God fearing, Spirit Filled christian married couplkes, ENJOY doing the VERY SAME acts that porn depicts !!

It's NOT the act but a lack of marriage commitment that makes it wrong.

good words, easier done than said.....good words

 

[mkgal1]

So...she obviously may have some sexual hang ups, but....I don't see how that would explain her being outright hateful towards you. Is she in the least bit remorseful for how she's spoken to you?

 

[147]

So...she obviously may have some sexual hang ups, but....I don't see how that would explain her being outright hateful towards you. Is she in the least bit remorseful for how she's spoken to you?

She has never apologized for those things said.

And then the unwillingness to work on that attitude, even though I have offered my support in whatever way possible.

Last week, she gave excuses for why we couldn't have sex then, then promised me "next week," when she continues to reject me this week.

 

[Sabertooth]

...

Honestly, I find more and more that she makes me feel guilty for sex...

In our case, my wife's refusal/frigidity was because of her depression. The only anti-depressant that makes her tolerate me also suppresses her libido...

I am here for her "in sickness and in health," unless she leaves first. If your church won't help you with these issues, find another church that will. Also, if your wife has these kinds of issues, don't beat yourself up over it. Keep following God and pursue who He wants you to be. God may be able to touch your wife through you OR prepare you for your next one, should this one leave.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote of 147

In January we had an explosive argument (During PMS, naturally), where she told me things like:

-She hates sex
-She especially hates sex with me
-I'm dirty and disgusting
-There is no way anyone could want sex with me

"Wow, if my own wife doesn't want to have sex with me, how disgusting must I be?"

.

I would not have any children until your wife has a complete 100% change in attitude and heart.

If there is not a 100% change and If sex is an important part of your marriage then I would leave the marriage

Not only does your wife have a perverted view of marriage sex she shows very little consideration for you. There are other women that do not have that perverted view of sex and will build you up a lot and they will not attack your self respect and self image like your wife is doing.

Your wife is doing damage to you.

 

[apache1]

It shore don't make me feel guilty