Why do I always attract abusers?

[Chococat]

By this I mean emotional/verbal abuse. I am extremely sensitive and grew up with insensitive parents who were sometimes emotionally abusive. Over the years I have been a magnet for bullies and emotional/verbal abusers including so called friends. I have a friend now who can be really nice at times but she makes fun of me in front of others sometimes. Last night she really humiliated me by making fun of my Christian values (even though she is supposed to be a Christian myself). I felt about a cm tall and when I poured out my pain on another section of this board the first poster gave an abusive answer and sided with my friend. I had a "Christian" online friend for a few years but had to stop talking to her because she was emotionally abusive. It's like the Devil has put a "kick me" sign on my back that attracts abusers, narcissistists and general jerks who see me as "easy prey". Anyone got any advice as to how to stop attracting these sort of people?

 

[aflower4God]

OHHHHHHHHHH my dear sweet loving sister, I KNOW how you feel. You and I are so much alike. But you know what, when there are gloomy rain clouds you have the good folks who LOVE YOU like I do, Chococat you are one of my longest email pals that i have ever had. I so much love talking to you. BUT I know it is hard to not think about what has happened to you cause guess what I AM THE SAME WAY. WHen someone upsets me I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts me to no end. SO YOU ARE NOT ALONE and as for the person humilating you like that, that is SO WRONG of them.
All my life my father told me I was easy target for not standing up to myself. NOT SAYING THAT YOU ARE, but how he handles difficult people is by using sarcastic humor, it seems to work, cause he had a boss after he lost his business that humilated him all the time, my father was a man of quick wit and would say something sarcastic but funny back to the man and everyone would laugh at the boss. This is something that I wish I inharrited from my father. :\
ANYWAY< you are not alone, I get it too and REMEMBER NO MATTER what someone says about you YOU ARE A HUUUUUUUGEEEEEEEEEEEEE BLESSING to me and many others. I AM SO GLAD that you are here!!!!!!!!!
here is a HUGE but gentle hug to you my dear sweet sister
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU and PLEASE keep us (and me) posted. You mean the world to me!

 

[Chococat]

You are so right Petal. I do so wish I could come up with a sassy retort for these sort of people. I know as Christians we are supposed to forgive and love our enemies etc but these sort of people really need to be brought down a peg or 2!!!

 

[aflower4God]

You are so right Petal. I do so wish I could come up with a sassy retort for these sort of people. I know as Christians we are supposed to forgive and love our enemies etc but these sort of people really need to be brought down a peg or 2!!!

i totally understand, this has happened to me in the past too. I HOPE that you feel better soon my dear sweet loving sister.

 

[KayScarpettaFan]

You attract abusers because they "recognize" you. You are already "programmed" to please them ( you grew with abusive parents). You are like gold to them, because you are MORE tolerant than other people. Normal people would kick them away in minutes! You have been taught NOT to have boundaries-but YOU MUST build them. Decide what you are able to stand and what not. Being a Christian DOES NOT MEAN BEINg A DOORMAT. Jesus did not die for a doormat, but for a precious human being who has any right to be respected.

I would have a word with that " friend of yours" too.

 

[Chococat]

Thanks for the advice KSF It's something I know I have a problem with as I tend to be a very passive person who will go out of my way to please people and I absolutely hate confrontation. I know it's something I will have to work on and it won't be easy but the Lord will help me. Btw have a great Resurrection Sunday

 

[Johnnz]

There can also be a demonic involvement in drawing other people to you. We have come across this many times. Specific prayer can be effective in bringing that to an end.

John
NZ

 

[txmom2three]

I was involved in an abusive relationship for 8 years. Since that time, God lead me to a program called Celebrate Recovery......I seemed to attract men who had some sort of "issue" whether it be anger problems, addictions, trouble being in relationships.....well in CR, I realized I struggle with co-dependency...it wasn't that these men with problems found me, it was that I looked for them....I am a caretaker...wanting to fix others, help others....so that I'd feel loved, or important...this is called co-dependency..and in the end...it usually hurts us more than anything. Message me if you have any more questions or want to know more about Celebrate Recovery.

 

[LovedSparrow]

I was involved in an abusive relationship for 8 years. Since that time, God lead me to a program called Celebrate Recovery......I seemed to attract men who had some sort of "issue" whether it be anger problems, addictions, trouble being in relationships.....well in CR, I realized I struggle with co-dependency...it wasn't that these men with problems found me, it was that I looked for them....I am a caretaker...wanting to fix others, help others....so that I'd feel loved, or important...this is called co-dependency..and in the end...it usually hurts us more than anything. Message me if you have any more questions or want to know more about Celebrate Recovery.

Celebrate Recovery is a GREAT program. I was in it for about 3 years and found the most healing and growth that I ever had. I agree, txmom2three. I had co-dependency issues as well, abuse too. I highly recommend CR. I met great friends, mentors and people who wouldn't leave or judge me because of my issues.

 

[RuthD]

I can relate to you, too. Been through the same torture by people. I am quiet but now I try to find a way to stand up for myself. It is perfectly okay for you to tell the people who would act that way that their behavior in unacceptable. I don't exactly use those words but I try to be assertive. I say how I feel when one of those persons puts me down. Ex. I feel hurt when you say_______________________. I would like you to not do that any more. If they won't listen they are not going to be a good friend to you. You need your feelings respected like we all do and you are worth it, too! Then sometimes if this kind of abuse keeps happening I have to kick them to the curb! This issue makes me angry because I am just so sick of being stepped on any more. It is hard to stand up for ourselves when we have been passive a long time. But we have every right to our respect. I hope this helps. God bless you.

 

[KayScarpettaFan]

Dear Chococat,
I have never bought the "codependent theory", because it is a theory like many others. I am happy if it worked for someone. I personally do not like it, because in my opinion it is a way of revictimizing victims. It starts telling you you have "issues". Abusers have "issues". A kind, tolerant and nice person, with abusive parents have not "issues". A bit of cognitive therapy could help, just to understand you better. But you just have to put up some boundaries, and you can do it also by yourself. Prayers are always a good idea, but do not be scared by the idea of "demons" too.

You are not guilty because others abused you. Keep it clear in your mind.

I do apologize in advance and I do not mean to create any discussion here. I simply do not agree with codependency theory and I tell my opinion, but I underline all my respect and esteem for people who found relief of any kind in it. We are all learning. May the Lord bless you all.

 

[Chococat]

Thanks to all who replied. I am currently having CBT and am going to go into it in deeper depth soon and that is helping me understand a lot of things. I have heard of the demons theory. Apparently there is a book that says that demons can attach themselves to both passive, wounded people and also to aggressive, abusers and they work to bring both parties together for obvious reasons. I'll probably check that book out sometime though I understand some of it is controversial.

 

[Morning Star Royal]

Get rid of "friends" like that first off, then come and be mine. You're right on about the target. In fact, extremely evil Luciferians (ultra-rich Satanists) have long infiltrated religion, the governments and every office that can give them official power in that order for many centuries under many names. You will not "love" such demons on two legs, it will be wasted and only make their evil swell undaunted. They say arrogantly and evilly: "They love us, ha ha, ha, ha, ha" while in secret over cocktails. Love those who are struggling, Especially God's sent. The Sent (or saints) are under the worst fire now in all space and time, in all the ages. This is where to extend your love. Everyone else has had 2,000 years to make their way to Christ and God but have slapped them hard and continuously in the face while urinating deadly toxins on the word. Christ is on the verge of coming back and putting them to the sword in righteous rage and the moronic among you want you to love them. Loving your enemies entails making an effort to show wholesome, godly love even when someone hates you for the color of your dress or the type of car you drive. It does not mean to love your Satanic genocidal manics in high places who are causing a global extinction with each phone call! When you are psychologically forced to do that by others, know it is chains the infiltration has twisted from scripture to keep you harmless and non-aggressive against evil. If they can keep you docile under God's name, they will have pretty much seized total power which they have (though temporary, I assure all).

In short, I'm here, dear friend. Let the rest fall away. Love, Jeffrey

 

[LittleH]

I understand completely how you are feeling. I have the same problem myself and not just with verbal abuse. It's mostly men who hurt me, although not always.

I don't have any wonderful advice that will make help but I just wanted you to know that you aren't on your own and you're most definitely not the only person struggling with this. We have to go through a process of learning how to stand up for ourselves and knowing our boundaries. Unfortunately that often means looking at and dealing with painful parts of our lives, which we would rather forget.

I'm praying for you, especially that you will feel God's love, peace and protection.