why can't i just be "normal"****may trigger****

[blessedmomof5]

I just ate something, which is a big accomplisment for me, trust me it was not much 2 forkfulls of eggsalad and some gensoy seasalt soy crisps,,,, and i had a handful of peanuts this morn, the most i have eaten in like forever.....
now my problem will be trying to not make it come back up.....why can't i feel worthy enough to eat?? even a little???? OH i need help......do you know right now i feel like i gained 5 lbs and i will either need to get rid of it which i do not want to do, but most likely, then go for a walk to counter act what everr i just ate.....plus i was suppose to go for blood work this morn, for possible op treatment, and messed that up having my 1 cup of coffee.......needed to fast, it is bad enough i have been putting this off forever......
well just a rant and a rave...hoping someone would talk some common sense into me.......

 

[Music4Hym777]

Denise,

You are a child of God. You definately deserve to eat. My favorite verse when I feel like I am not worthy to eat or with anything Eating Disorder related is Phil. 3:19. Dont make your stomach a god like it says in that verse. When we make something a god, we dont feel worthy of it, if food is your God, then you really need to let Christ in. Food is something that we need to live, not a god to live for. Christ is our God to live for.

 

[madison1101]

Have you ever been in treatment? I was. It helped. I have Binge Eating Disorder. Therapy or treamment could help you answer your question of "Why?" It could help you leran about yourself and to accept yourself.

In the meantime, you can immerse yourself in God's Word and His love. God's blessings and grace are abundant to you.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

monica, i just feel like i have no control, almost like i cannot even starve myself right, can;t do anything right.... i feel like i am sooooooooooo hungry i could eat a COW, but then i know what would happen to that cow and my mind.....and it is so not worth it to me mentally..or physically........cannot handle that right now.
that Bible verse, i am so afraid to let him in because i might lose all the control, i think i have...... and along with the laxatives i take....and i am so sory for mentioning that word to you.....please forgive me..... i am surprised that i can go anywhere.... funny thing is i know it does not do a thing for you with your weight.....so why would i bother?i feel like a mess, some days are good and others are not.....

trish, yes i see a ed specialist, i really need either IP or OP........1x a week is NOT going to help me........
Denise

 

[Music4Hym777]

monica, i just feel like i have no control, almost like i cannot even starve myself right, can;t do anything right.... i feel like i am sooooooooooo hungry i could eat a COW, but then i know what would happen to that cow and my mind.....and it is so not worth it to me mentally..or physically........cannot handle that right now.
that Bible verse, i am so afraid to let him in because i might lose all the control, i think i have...... and along with the laxatives i take....and i am so sory for mentioning that word to you.....please forgive me..... i am surprised that i can go anywhere.... funny thing is i know it does not do a thing for you with your weight.....so why would i bother?i feel like a mess, some days are good and others are not.....

Denise

If it is as out of control as you say it is, I do think that it is time actually for IP, that way youre there around the clock and cant slip up. In OP you can still slip up when you go home at night.

It sounds like you know all the statistics, but here is a question for you....are you ready for all of those that love you, to see you in a casket? I know that might seem harsh, but for me thats what triggered recovery. Thinking of those that love me in a casket at such an early age scared me.

I know that the road to recovery is not easy. I have been on it for over a year now, sometimes full time, sometimes just one time a week, if one time a week isn't cutting it and you really, truly WANT to get over this, then I think that IP would be the best place. I thought about it for myself, but I am doing fine now on my own (for the most part, one laxative every year I think is pretty good to be from where I use to).

I'm praying for you!
Monica

 

[blessedmomof5]

Monica,
i have been through all that already my reasons to live, and i have 5 of them, but there are points in my life ED when they just aren't enough.....i love them so much, so why is it so hard......
now about the op treatment, it would be 5 nights a week, from 4-8pm, with a meal and intensive therapy.... now i do know that my hatered for myself was more then trying to get better for my kids, but i have a wondeful friend that has helped me when i was at my worst, and he has shown me things about myself and has listened when i had no hope left. and if i didn't go he"d be a little po'd....lol if hes listening...... so if i say i think i don't need it, and i am ok where i am at with my weight, just remind me i said i was going.....hoping for the end of aug,,,,,
Thanks for your help and listening to me when i needed it...
Denise

 

[Music4Hym777]

Monica,
i have been through all that already my reasons to live, and i have 5 of them, but there are points in my life ED when they just aren't enough.....i love them so much, so why is it so hard......
now about the op treatment, it would be 5 nights a week, from 4-8pm, with a meal and intensive therapy.... now i do know that my hatered for myself was more then trying to get better for my kids, but i have a wondeful friend that has helped me when i was at my worst, and he has shown me things about myself and has listened when i had no hope left. and if i didn't go he"d be a little po'd....lol if hes listening...... so if i say i think i don't need it, and i am ok where i am at with my weight, just remind me i said i was going.....hoping for the end of aug,,,,,
Thanks for your help and listening to me when i needed it...
Denise

Denise,

I am glad that you are going OP, I know that it is not an easy thing to do or admit, but it will be for the best. Know that I am always around to talk to or to pray for you.

Monica

 

[blessedmomof5]

Thanks Monica,

having an off day, changing of my mind,,,,ya know the excuses not thin enough, oh i feel ok, i ate something, 2 slices of ham.... in my mind that says feeling much better, so i must not need treatment,plus i am thinking i look good and i like the way i look, and i see nothing wrong with it....ok maybe a few lbs lighter....maybe thats whats doing it...those few more lbs that need to come off......ugh....

 

[Music4Hym777]

Thanks Monica,

having an off day, changing of my mind,,,,ya know the excuses not thin enough, oh i feel ok, i ate something, 2 slices of ham.... in my mind that says feeling much better, so i must not need treatment,plus i am thinking i look good and i like the way i look, and i see nothing wrong with it....ok maybe a few lbs lighter....maybe thats whats doing it...those few more lbs that need to come off......ugh....

Excuses, excuses, excuses, "My dog ate my homework" now get into treatment, you know in your heart that you need it!

Praying for ya!
Mon

 

[blessedmomof5]

Monica,

if dakota ate my homework, it would be an appetizer, since he weighs about 150ish...lol and it really is not an excuse it really feel comfortable with myself, or should i say in myself, - 5 lbs.....for real......

well see what tomorrow brings, maybe 5 lbs lighter.....