Why are priests so unapproachable?

[houseofsaul]

Trying to fit into a parish and live out the faith is hard enough in and of itself. But when leadership is unapproachable, it makes for an even tougher time. Yes, I know priests are busy but is not part of their job to tend the flock? Most priests I have met seem put out if you attempt a conversation past "Hello Father", and have even had a priest not even respond well to a hello greeting. I am a convert who is really struggling. Not comparing Protestantism to Catholicism, but truly miss friendly fellowship with my Spiritual Leaders and the ability to approach same leaders for guidance.

 

[Fish and Bread]

Trying to fit into a parish and live out the faith is hard enough in and of itself. But when leadership is unapproachable, it makes for an even tougher time. Yes, I know priests are busy but is not part of their job to tend the flock? Most priests I have met seem put out if you attempt a conversation past "Hello Father", and have even had a priest not even respond well to a hello greeting. I am a convert who is really struggling. Not comparing Protestantism to Catholicism, but truly miss friendly fellowship with my Spiritual Leaders and the ability to approach same leaders for guidance.

One element of what you are experiencing may be that there is a shortage of Roman Catholic priests right now (Often referred to as a vocations shortage). There are a lot fewer new priests than there used to be, and at the same time, the number of Roman Catholics in the US are growing (Mainly do to immigration). As a result, parishes are often larger than they used to be, and with fewer clergy. Often parishes that used to have 3 or 4 priests are merged with parishes that had perhaps two priests, and now they only have 1 or 2 priests as a combined parish.

So, some aspects of this are probably the result of priests who are just completely overloaded relative to the tasks set out before them, through no fault of their own.

However, I have to admit at times I've found RC priests to be a little socially awkward. I myself am a little bit (Okay, very) socially awkward, so that is not a criticism per say, but I think perhaps more attention could be given in seminary formation to pastoral care than it seems to be, relative to theology and ritual, in an attempt to help priests do better in one on one and small group interactions, which is a legitimate and important role of a priest, in my view, to provide personal care to his flock.

All of that is beyond your control, though, so let me offer you a concrete approach you can take to solve your problem:

Call the parish office and request to set up a meeting with a priest or a deacon on a weekday to discuss some spiritual issues. I think if you are polite and respectful, but firm, they will make time for you. It'd probably be easier to set up a scheduled appointment through a secretary where the priest has blocked out time for you than to approach a priest cold who may have other hands to shake after a mass, or other spiritual functions to prepare for, and a limited amount of time to get things done in.

Also, worth keeping in mind is that relative to some branches of Protestantism, Roman Catholicism in this country is culturally more about quiet reverence and prayer and the mass and the sacraments and sort of private-in-a-group type encounters with God relative to the often gregarious backslapping approach that some Protestant denominations take. Having been raised Roman Catholic, when I started looking around at different Protestant churches and denominations in my early 20s, I was actually really overwhelmed and turned off when about 50 people tried to strike up conversations with me at some services at different churches (This didn't happen everywhere. Just some denominations or congregations). Total culture shock when I expected to just slip in a back pew and maybe optionally shake hands and talk for 10 seconds with the priest or pastor at the end of the service, and I wound up sort of having to explain who I was and why I was there to a bunch of people when the real answer was actually something like "I don't know, I just wanted to see how this denomination does things and I thought the best way was to go to a service one Sunday.".

But I found when I was a practicing Episcopalian, that people were not as overwhelming as at many Protestant churches, and actually one of the priests met with me a bunch of times at his request (Not mine) just to chat at times, which was kind of an impressive balance. This is not a recommendation that you become Episcopalian, mind you. I just wanted to toss that in, because when I say Protestant, I have a feeling some, knowing about my years as an active church-going Episcopalian, assume that's the experience I was referring to, and in this case, it wasn't in the prior paragraph.

 

[houseofsaul]

I'm not asking for a backslapping, handshaking frenzy. But when you pass the priest in the parking and or at a hospital say and you greet him with a "Hello Father" can you not hope for a cordial hello or nod of the head.

I've heard them say I am available, they speak eloquently and then when you approach them and you get a rude brush off or if in a setting of fellowship and you approach to have conversation and they either again give you the brush off or act like you are putting them out...it's kinda hard to want to continue the attempts.

My last encounter was this past Ash Wednesday. We had a significant snow and Ash Wednesday services were canceled. I had never seen Mass canceled for weather and the nearby parishes were still having services. Other parishioners were surprised too and after a short conversation it was thought maybe Father was ill and was unable to find another priest to stand in, so to speak. We decided someone should call and check in to see if all is well. I was nominated....I called and was met with the same disdain as prior occasions.

How many times would you continue to approach if each time you are shutdown?

Not being argumentative, just not sure how much longer I can continue to attend...because over time it does cause one to harbor hard feelings. And I have received same type of persona in the surrounding parishes, whether they pastor one church or three.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

This might sound VERY odd for me to say, but perhaps their not being so friendly, being distant, maybe that's a GOOD THING! For years I was around aloof Catholic priests and found it off-putting. When I became Orthodox, the "kind-hearted" and "warm" friendly priest who chrismated my family drew us pretty close into his inner circle. The result has been disastrous. He talked behind my back, has gossiped about me, and generally has been awful. We're still reeling from his words. He got caught in the act bashing me to our deacon! He accidentally sent ME the text as he bashed me!

My point: not knowing how the sausage is made at church can be a GOOD THING! I wish I hadn't known my priest so intimately. His credibility is zilch with me, I don't trust him, and he has broken my heart.

Keep it dry and distant!
Go to Mass. worship, go to anonymous Confession, take Communion, stay away from your priest. You don't need a kinship and closeness with them to know God better! I'd give anything to NOT know my priest the way I do!

 

[bill5]

Did you consider maybe it's something specific to your priest/church (or even area) vs Catholicism on the whole? Your thread title is misleading, implying priests in general aren't approachable, which simply isn't true. I've been all over the country/world and found most priests to be very approachable and amiable. That's part of why I joined. I found Protestant clergy otoh to be comparatively cold or insincere (but again, maybe that was just bad luck on my part...it isn't why I converted).

Bottom line there's better and worse whatever direction you turn (literally and figuratively). Might try a diff church.

 

[bill5]

Keep it dry and distant!
Go to Mass. worship, go to anonymous Confession, take Communion, stay away from your priest.

Sorry you had a bad experience, but again what I said above holds. And sorry for any offense, but this is frankly poor and irresponsible advice. Just because you had a bad experience that means everyone should avoid their priest like the plague? Again I can understand you feeling that way in your situation, but that's a rather bizarre approach to tout universally. Cmon... (PS I am not saying you have to have some close personal relationship with your priest either, for anyone foolish enough to draw that conclusion...only that it's not an inherently bad thing, which is a silly assertion)

 

[houseofsaul]

Did you consider maybe it's something specific to your priest/church (or even area) vs Catholicism on the whole? Your thread title is misleading, implying priests in general aren't approachable, which simply isn't true. I've been all over the country/world and found most priests to be very approachable and amiable. That's part of why I joined. I found Protestant clergy otoh to be comparatively cold or insincere.

Bottom line there's better and worse whatever direction you turn (literally and figuratively). Might try a diff church.

I have been to other parishes....same results. I wasn't trying to mislead anyone. I can only speak of what I know and that is priests in my area. Is it possible to edit title? I will try. So let me pose the question, Why are priests in the Eastern KY and Southern Ohio so unapproachable?

 

[bill5]

Don't know - again sorry to hear your experiences haven't been good.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

This isn't the first time I've been burned by a priest, Bill. Trust me. I'm sorry you feel my advice to be poor. I'm simply saying, "WHO CARES!" You don't need to be buddies with your priest to grow in your faith. If you're Catholic, follow your catechism! Listen to enriching Catholic TV and radio! Listen to the saints and your pope, grow in personal devotions, sacramental, and pray hard. Enjoy the sacraments. You don't need to know your priest.

So I think my advice is sound. Knowing how the sausage is made often spoils a person's faith. I've had it happen more times than I can count. This last burn was the WORST though.

And "avoiding priests like the plague" is not what I said. I am fine with you disagreeing with me, but saying I'm irresponsible in it, I resent that.

Thanks for your understanding, I think?

Sorry you had a bad experience, but again what I said above holds. And sorry for any offense, but this is frankly poor and irresponsible advice. Just because you had a bad experience that means everyone should avoid their priest like the plague? Again I can understand you feeling that way in your situation, but that's a rather bizarre approach to tout universally. Cmon... (PS I am not saying you have to have some close personal relationship with your priest either, for anyone foolish enough to draw that conclusion...only that it's not an inherently bad thing, which is a silly assertion)

 

[houseofsaul]

Sorry unable to Edit Title of Post....I live in a tri-state area that encompasses Eastern KY, Southern West Virginia and Southern Ohio....and this has been my experience with priests. I converted because I believe this is the one true Church...but I hear all the time that Catholicism is not a me and Jesus religion, it is a fellowship, a community of believers, a family. I have just never experienced the fellowship that is claimed. Once again, I feel posting in a forum was a mistake...maybe one of the priests that I met was right...not everyone should be Catholic.

 

[houseofsaul]

This might sound VERY odd for me to say, but perhaps their not being so friendly, being distant, maybe that's a GOOD THING! For years I was around aloof Catholic priests and found it off-putting. When I became Orthodox, the "kind-hearted" and "warm" friendly priest who chrismated my family drew us pretty close into his inner circle. The result has been disastrous. He talked behind my back, has gossiped about me, and generally has been awful. We're still reeling from his words. He got caught in the act bashing me to our deacon! He accidentally sent ME the text as he bashed me!

My point: not knowing how the sausage is made at church can be a GOOD THING! I wish I hadn't known my priest so intimately. His credibility is zilch with me, I don't trust him, and he has broken my heart.

Keep it dry and distant!
Go to Mass. worship, go to anonymous Confession, take Communion, stay away from your priest. You don't need a kinship and closeness with them to know God better! I'd give anything to NOT know my priest the way I do!

Sorry for the treatment you received...and the dry, distant and anonymous is pretty much how I have become. Not saying it is who I want to be....just who I am forced to be. Living in a heavy Protestant populated, a lot of folks make a decision on where to worship based on fellowship they receive not on doctrine...sad but true.

 

[bill5]

You don't need to be buddies with your priest to grow in your faith.

That's true, and I agreed with you. But there's quite a diff between "you don't have to be buddies" and "run away, don't talk to them!"

So I think my advice is sound. Knowing how the sausage is made often spoils a person's faith. I've had it happen more times than I can count. This last burn was the WORST though.

Again sorry to hear, but your experience does not mean it's what everyone else has or will have, which is what you're saying. If not, it sure sounds like it.

And "avoiding priests like the plague" is not what I said

Well if you want to be precise, you said:

Keep it dry and distant! Go to Mass. worship, go to anonymous Confession, take Communion, stay away from your priest.

That sounds like it to me, even if I exaggerated a bit.

I am fine with you disagreeing with me, but saying I'm irresponsible in it, I resent that.

Again sorry for any offense, but when you start giving advice like "stay away from your priest" to people, I think that needs to be called out for what I would hope are obvious reasons. It's nothing personal against you; I would have pointed it out similarly if anyone else had said so.

Again pardon any offense, but pls reconsider such blanket statements.

 

[RKO]

House of Saul, as someone else said, a lot of it has to do with the priest shortage. Here in Louisville, many priests are runnping two or three parishes. I think they are simply overwhelmed. I know that Catholkc churches are scarce in. E KY, but I hope you are able to find one you can talk to.
I attend a parish that houses a Dominican priory where there are something like six priests! At theend of mass, not only does the celebrant hang around in the back of church, but often two or three others come over just to chew the fat, so to speak.
They're out there. You just have to find them.

 

[MikeK]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, OP. I have not found Catholic Priests to be unapproachable. I suspect you are experiencing this due to an overworked population or individuals who, for whatever reason, aren't extroverts and prefer to keep others at a distance. I have had Priests who were personal friends who I would hang out with socially with and Priests who I didn't think had much personality at all (but I suspect their personal friends thought otherwise). In short, they're just like real people

 

[stray bullet]

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[stray bullet]

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[Eretria90]

Not sure what the situation is with your priest at your parish or surrounding parishes, but remember that priests are human beings like you and me.

For example, I attended divine liturgy today and the vast majority of the attendants shuffled quickly out of the church once liturgy was over. I was one of the last people to leave and Father seemed cranky/tired. I completely understand why: this parish is very small in number and some people are expected to help "clean up" once the liturgy is over. Not only that but Father has health issues which make it difficult for him to walk.

He told me to do something (set out the "missals"(?) for the liturgy for tomorrow) and I did it. He definitely wasn't in the best mood but I can see why he gets frustrated. It's sort of like me earlier how I had an "anger" attack prior to liturgy and felt sorry for the way I reacted to my anger against myself.

Perhaps Father was just having an off day but I'll probably try to help clean up more at the parish, putting "Ora et Labora" into practice then.

 

[Fish and Bread]

This might sound VERY odd for me to say, but perhaps their not being so friendly, being distant, maybe that's a GOOD THING! For years I was around aloof Catholic priests and found it off-putting. When I became Orthodox, the "kind-hearted" and "warm" friendly priest who chrismated my family drew us pretty close into his inner circle. The result has been disastrous. He talked behind my back, has gossiped about me, and generally has been awful. We're still reeling from his words. He got caught in the act bashing me to our deacon! He accidentally sent ME the text as he bashed me!

My point: not knowing how the sausage is made at church can be a GOOD THING! I wish I hadn't known my priest so intimately. His credibility is zilch with me, I don't trust him, and he has broken my heart.

Keep it dry and distant!
Go to Mass. worship, go to anonymous Confession, take Communion, stay away from your priest. You don't need a kinship and closeness with them to know God better! I'd give anything to NOT know my priest the way I do!

I'm not sure whether I agree with the overall point of this post, but I think it is something worth thinking about.

To use an example from outside the realm of religion, there was a singer for a classic rock band who's music I really loved. He's no longer in that band, and started a new one with another famous musician, and did a "Kickstarter" to raise funds for it, with goods and service promised to people pledging to it. Before I pledged a small amount of money to the Kickstarter, I thought of the guy as a great musician and kind of an inspiring person, even though I knew he was a little eccentric and some people who'd worked with him musically in the past alluded to having had bad experience with him.

I felt like he lied to his backers in the fundraising phase, and handled things very poorly in the post-fundraising phase. At one point, I was even personally criticized by one of his representatives.

In retrospect, I kind of wish I had not had that somewhat direct interaction with him (Well, not really direct, but it was sort of like a direct business deal with his people). I now listen to some of my favorite songs and have mixed feelings, I'm struggling to try to enjoy the music the way I used to, and I almost certainly will not purchase any of his future work (Aside from what I have already paid for through the Kickstarter if any of it ever materializes- obviously I'll gladly accept what I paid for).

I doubt I'll ever do a Kickstarter or anything similar again. I'll just buy the albums I want from third party retailers I trust (I mean albums by other artists) where there are layers between me and the artists, and where the retailers have the finished product and I can just download it from them right after paying.

I mean, that whole situation was a variant on the old axiom "Never meet your heroes".

And I think the same could possibly be said of some clergy. Not literally never meet them, but maybe for some people it might be better to just shake their hand and say "Hi Father, good sermon" every week and so on and so forth versus striking up a personal friendship. You don't want to let a personal conflict with a priest or a pastor come between you and a church that you feel is a plus in your life and helping you become a better person.

At the same time, though, I remember an Episcopalian rector who reached out to me and who's approach to things and willingness to speak to me "off the record" about certain issues I was concerned about as far as the parish's standing with the diocese and the national church and his feelings on them, as well as who's clear concern for me as a person and who's spiritual thoughts helped me better connect with the parish and with the divine. Having a priest like that can be an amazing thing. He was a little socially awkward, too, like me, and like some of the priests that the original poster describes, but he made a big effort, and it mattered to me, and I think it matter to a lot of people, because he was very beloved by the parish.

I understand where the original poster is coming from on this, but my advice would be not to let it be the one thing that tears her away from a church she is otherwise very happy with and that contributes to her life in many ways. As I said, I think maybe calling the church office and scheduling a meeting with the priest would help her get one on one spiritual direction. Actually, in Roman Catholicism, there are things called spiritual directors, maybe she could ask him to be one for her or to recommend one if he knows of some, if she finds she is getting something out of the meeting. Maybe a deacon would be more approachable?

Also, joining a prayer group, a bible study, a women's group, or something of that nature might help her get that human interaction that she wants and thinks would help her grow spiritually and feel more apart of things at her parish.

 

[eastcoast_bsc]

We address our priest as Father, and that is what they are supposed to be to us, they are supposed to to be Shepards attending to the flock. If they are not fulfilling this role, then they are not fulfilling their roles. Look at the Apostles,they left families, faced persecution, hunger, lonliness, even death.

Lets look at the flock. We get up and go to work,raise families, deal with births, deaths and whatever comes our way.

If a Priest feels he doesn't have time to engage his flock,then he shoud move on, because he is not fulfilling his role in Christ.

I am not indicting the priesthood, because there are many good shepards, but I am tired of the cop out that Priest are overworked as an excuse to not engage the flock.

My mother raised 9 kids, put supper on the table every night and dealt with a lot of tragedy.
We should not be making excuses for priest who are not fulfilling their roles.

 

[MarkRohfrietsch]

I grew up in a community where about half were Catholic and half were Lutheran. The Catholic Priests were always treated with the same respect as our own Pastors were, and they were (are) still very personable and very much part of the community; and they like our own Pastors are spiritual fathers to our respective Congregations. This is my experience; and in my opinion, if one can not approach one's Pastor, he may not be much of a Pastor.