Who I am

[tallyn75]

My life could be divided into 5 sections. If I can get it to work I have 5 pictures to represent the sections.

In my beginning, all my needs were taken care of by my parents. All I wanted was to love them and be loved by my parents. My mother quickly became my best friend and my father hung the moon. As I grew to school age, I began to have problems at school and at home, academically and socially. Overall they were mild issues, but to me I was at a loss in how to deal with them. I began to feel as though my dad was too hard on me, that it was nothing but dos and don'ts. I decided that my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

Then after I turned 11, something happened. I had been raised in church and had a lot of Bible knowledge. But out of the blue my dad decided to have a home Bible study. I don't much recall what the lesson was, but during the pray time, my dad prayed. Again I don't much remember what he prayed, but in the middle all of a sudden he broke down crying. Now I knew that earthly fathers are symbolic of our Heavenly Father. And now it hit me that my dad really did love me, and more than that my Heavenly Father loved me. It broke my heart. John 3:16 finally meant something to me instead of just words. That day I accepted Jesus as my Substitute, my Redeemer. And my relationship with my dad improved although we still had our spats. And my relationship with my Father grew in spite of the occasional doubt.

I've led quite a sheltered life compared to most kids my age, my teen years were full of rebellion nonetheless. Most of which my parents were unaware of. I spent about 18 months in moderate to severe depression which lifted when I was able to which schools (to a Baptist high school in another state). My life was the typical teen roller coaster. At times I pulled away from God and did what I wanted and other times I drew nigh to Him discovering that that was the key to fulfillment.

After high school I went off to college for a couple of semesters. Away from the parental umbrella of protection, I slipped further from God.

I met a guy at the library where I worked (while I was on the job) and agreed to go out with him. We dated for a couple years then got married. Married life was bliss. I learned so much about love and what love meant.

Our first child was born 6 months later. I had a lot of time to think about my life and how I wanted to raise my children. I had 2 more children over the course of the next 4 years. The say it takes a village to raise a child. My kids wrote the definition on hyperactive.

Perhaps that was the trigger, but around 2004 Bipolar reared it's ugly head. Over the last 7 years I've been through all sorts of medicines, hospitalizations, and now ECTs (electroshock treatments).

Where to from here, I don't know. I have come to some important realizations. 1. My dad really did hung the moon--I have grown to respect him, love him, and miss him dearly now that his is in Colorado. 2. My love and respect for God soared. I learned that God made me so He could love me and I could love Him. 3. I'm learning just what it means to love someone and how to show it.

I just wish my bipolar episodes would follow my life better. Things can be going just swimmingly and I will sink into depression. Sometimes the hard knocks of life can come around and I feel happy-go-lucky and all sorts of energetic. And the mixed episodes are the worst.

I just started taking Lithium again and hopefully this will at the very least spread out the episodes so I can get my life back together after an episode.

Well this has been the 35 years Tallyn, and I thank God for every day I've been given and for all three children I have born. I pray that each day I will learn to love God more and that each day I live will demonstrate to my children who God is.

 

[Goodbook]

Thank you for sharing your story with us Tallyn.
You are blessed with family!

It sounds like you have forgiven your father, which is great. God forgives us when we forgive others. Do you spend some time reading the bible everyday?

One thing that helped me was I heard the Bible being described as God's love letter to us. Anyone who's received a love letter while their loved one is far away would treasure it and read it over and over. That's what it's become for me.

My story is rather different. I did not grow up in a Christian household. So I had no explanation for BP. It was always said to be a 'chemical imbalance to be corrected only with drugs'. This didn't help me at all. In the back of my mind I knew there was God, but I didn't know him. I also knew these BP symptoms were not of God and some sort o spiritual attack. But I didn't know how to fight them.

With BP for me it was like I was living under a cloud. I would cry out to God, but he didn't hear me. It was only through Jesus that I ever found my way to God. I had a big battle going on finally coming to the Christian faith. There were so many arguments in my mind against it. There were so many different religions I could have followed, due to my ignorance and desire to know God. But reading the Bible really grounded me, and with Holy Spirit help is really showing me what life as a Christian is like, and I don't have to put up with BP episodes - mania or depression, because I recognise them for what they are, attacks by Satan to destroy us. Because during mania and depression, we forget God and totally focus on ourselves and pay heed to Satan's lies.

Thats why it's so important to put on the armour of God. Not because our parents want us to behave, or because we have to be perfect, but because God loves us and doesn't want us to perish.

You say your kids are hyperactive? Do you spend time with your kids reading the Bible together? This is just a suggestion. Bedtime story is a good quiet time and something kids look forward to, as a rewarding and bonding and praying together afterward. I think it's a bit strange that Christians send their kids to church or Sunday School and expect the church to teach kids without bothering teaching kids themselves. It's not just for your kids but for YOU as well. My little cousin said she remembers the best times was when I babysat and we would read stories together.

My own parents never owned a bible, funnily enough, I remember reading a loaned copy of the New Testament for myself when I was a kid and loved the parts about the angels coming when Jesus was born, his miracles, and his resurrection. But I never really gave Christianity much thought. I was too busy battling my parents, who I was certain, didn't truly love me, or only loved me if I was good and obedient, if I fufilled my duty. It was only when I was suffering so much BP craziness and giving my mum a hard time that I knew she loved me for me, no matter how bad I got, or what havoc I created, she forgave me. My dad seemed to take my madness in his stride, I don't think it ever concerned him. He thought I was just acting badly when I was manic or stupidly crying for no reason when I was depressed. It never occured to him I was ever having anything so otherwordly as spiritual struggles. I've come to realise that I need to forgive my dad for the stuff he said that hurt me or erroneously taught me because as Jesus said 'forgive them for they know not what they do'.

Anyhow, now I go to church and learning all about God, growing in faith. I've had to let go of a lot of misbeliefs and childish ways of coping. He's really answering my prayer to be free of BP. Before when I prayed the Lords prayer I would always stumble over the words 'forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us' It occured to me later why I had trouble remembering these words, was because psychology had insinuated that my parents were to blame for all my troubles. I remember having one psychiatrist who wrote that my relationship with my mother was 'enmeshed' and that many times I thought I would be better off living alone. They even tried to separate me from them when I was manic. After all it was my own father who drove me to the mental hospital, where I was locked up, drugged and abused by nurses. But God shows me its a lot more complicated than that.

I thank God he's showing me the right way to live. Before, I wouldn't have a clue, I was just following blindly what so called experts said and just relying on my own limited understanding. I've learned God is the ultimate expert so I go to him for everything first. After all, he made the universe!

I really like the books of wisdom and proverbs in the Bible. I think they tell us a lot about how God wants his people to live and raise their families.