Who have you lost and how have you dealt with it?

[James Sez]

We lost our firstborn, and only son, to SIDS at 3 months of age (to the day) 15 years ago . . . a few days after Thanksgiving . .


I never know how this is going to affect me over the holidays . .whether I think about him much or not . .

Several years after he died, I thought things were OK . .then one Christmas - probably 8 years later, it hit me really hard . . I couldn't even think of Christmas or get ready for it, or for our other children until a couple days before Christmas . .

Such a loss, and any loss, can come back in force when you least expect it, years later . .

So now, as the holidays approach, if I find myself feeling dispondent, I find myself reminiding myself that it is probably because of losing Jonathan. and then knowing the source of the feelings it helps to deal with them more effectively putting everything into perspective . .

What have we done to deal with our loss? Because he died of SIDS, there are strong support groups to help people through such a crisis . . and without such a support group, I probably would have been a mess at one point I thank God that they were there . . For those who have experienced other losses, Compassionate Friends are a great group to go to and I highly recommend doing so .. I cannot express how incredibly helpful it is to have a group of people who can share your loss with you because they intimately understand it . .

We have kept an 8x10 picture of him in our living room with everyone else's . . our children know they have a brother in heaven . .

Though there is no longer a gaping, raw and bleeding wound in my heart, God's love and time has healed it, the loss never leaves . . . . the love I feel for him is bitter sweet . . . it helps to remember him here, sharing him and our loss with you . .



(as a tear falls, I smile remembering . . . .. )


Peace in Him!

Thanks so much for sharing. It is so nice to see a post outside of IDD. That place can be so emotional, that I think some people forget that we are brothers and sisters in Christ who deal with horrible life events. God bless you, Theresa. My prayers are with you, sister . I hope that you can feel god's loving presence as you walk through the valley.
James

 

[Salsa_1960]

I don't know what it is about memory. Mine seems to be so short and I feel "not right" about that. Far too often, I go on like nothing has happened, even though I know that my world has changed tremendously. I guess my mind is telling me to move forward, but I wish it would stop and cry once in a while. I feel like I am doing my daughter an injustice by not mourning for her like I ought to. I often feel empty and lonely, but I don't get teary-eyed sad. I don't know why I don't respond the way most mothers do. I just don't.

 

[thereselittleflower]

I don't know what it is about memory. Mine seems to be so short and I feel "not right" about that. Far too often, I go on like nothing has happened, even though I know that my world has changed tremendously. I guess my mind is telling me to move forward, but I wish it would stop and cry once in a while. I feel like I am doing my daughter an injustice by not mourning for her like I ought to. I often feel empty and lonely, but I don't get teary-eyed sad. I don't know why I don't respond the way most mothers do. I just don't.

Sandi

You have to give yourself time to heal, and each person deals with thier loss differently. When it came to those who had lost a child due to SIDS, a common feeling others had expressed, and one that some had acted on, was to get up on day and just leave their life, run away, and try to start up agains somewhere else as though nothing had ever happened (some left husbands and family even) . . I could sympathize, but I felt that since God was with me so strongly in this, that I didn't have to worry about something like this happening to me. Then several months later, one night in bed, I was almost overwhelmed with the feeling to run away, leave my husband and everything and just run away . .it was so strong it almost propelled my out of bed .. it was scary. But I knew what it was because others had shared this with me as a normal part of many people's grieving process .. If I had not known about it, I might have been so scared by it that I might have left that night . . .

Each person grieves differently though we all seem to follow a similar path . . but hut because you are not feeling what you think you should feel, that does not mean you are not grieving correctly for you. There are no "shoulds" here . . there are no "you should put this behind you" or "you should be 'grieving' more" etc . .

Never let other people put their expectations of how grief should manifest on you, never take this upon yourself.

You may have a place inside of you that feels dead . . ther are times I wonder why I don't grieve more, even this many years later . .

When I lost Johanthan, I could see an image of my heart in my mind's eye .. it had a huge raw, gaping and bleeding wound, but I also saw it surounded by the golden brigh light of God's love . . Over time, when I would see a mental image of my heart, I could see it mending.

There is a scar there now . . The mark my son leaves on my heart, and a scar I would part with for all the world.


I got very angry at God several monts later . . it took quite a while for anger to surface, and I was driving when the full force of it hit me. I cried out to God "WHY?!!!" feeling that I had been cheated of something I could never now have with my son.

When my ranting at God was almost over, I expressed my deepest sorrow about all this that even though I knew that one day I would see him again in heaven, I would never be able to raise him like I would have here on earth, and the sorrow of that was deep.

Right at that point God spoke into my heart and said "Whatever is the most wonderful and best you can imagine right now (the fullfillment of my desire to raise my son), it is going to be 100 times, 1000 times better in heave."

This was God's promise to me, and my anger left, and the deep sorrow of having lost this opportunity began to depart. I have consoled myself with this promise from God many times over the years. It is to this promise I hold when I feel the pangs of grief again.


Your wound is still relatively fresh, and how you are responding is where you are at right now. Give yourself permission to be there, and to move on when you are ready. Do not be surprised when the tears begin to fall much more than they seem to now.


There was a story I came across a few years ago, I wept as I read it. I believe it is called the Christmas Box (I have seen another story out this year with that name, but the one I am thinking of is a very small book) . . it helped to read it, and if you can find a copy of it, I think it may be a good one for you too.

Here it is at Amazon if you are interested in reading about it. It is a marvelous and wonderful story.


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684814994/102-6111639-0437760?v=glance


What does not come through in the reviews very well is the healing it can bring to those who have lost a child. . . .

Peace in Him!

 

[greener_pastures]

I lost my father several years ago. I still miss him the most at Christmas time because he LOVED Christmas so much. He was a great family man. I really miss him still...

 

[thereselittleflower]

I lost my father several years ago. I still miss him the most at Christmas time because he LOVED Christmas so much. He was a great family man. I really miss him still...

It is OK to miss your father, espeically at this time of year. (((hugs))
We thought we were going to loose my dad this Christmas . . it was not easy contemplating this, especially at this time of the year . . God bless you and may He fill your heart with peaceful and loving memories of your father this season, and may you feel his deep love for you.

Peace in Him!

 

[Echoes Peak]

I literally have a list of people. However, the most recent would be this past Sunday. One of my friends committed suicide in a park. I think I'm dealing with it as commonly as I can-that or I'm still in shock. I have friends calling me for answers to questions I can't answer. I think I'm doing alright, because I'm not back in my apartment yet. I'm still at my mom's house which is in a different state. I'm so not looking forward to going back quite yet.

 

[thereselittleflower]

I literally have a list of people. However, the most recent would be this past Sunday. One of my friends committed suicide in a park. I think I'm dealing with it as commonly as I can-that or I'm still in shock. I have friends calling me for answers to questions I can't answer. I think I'm doing alright, because I'm not back in my apartment yet. I'm still at my mom's house which is in a different state. I'm so not looking forward to going back quite yet.

I am so sorry to hear this. . . when I was in college, a friend of mine woul talk to me and our mutual friends about trying to find God , , , she was searching for the truth and was being drawn to mormonism . . I did some research on it and gave her my findings . . then summer break . . when I came back, i found out she had committed suicide . .. this was such a shock .. it left me feeling empty inside, confused, wondering if I did the right thing disuading her from mormonism (that it would have been better for her to have been mormon than to have committed suicide) . . .

We had no answers . .all we could do was trust God for her soul . .

Something like this causes a lot of soul searching . .

May you find God's peace and comfort as you lean on Him for understanding . .


Peace in Him!

 

[katylees]

i lost my mom when i was 5, but as i was quite young i don't think i realized the whole thing and what had happened. Later on i knew wot happened and i realized how upsetting it was for my family and me. I do have a few memories but not many, i can remember a leak in the ceiling of the kitchen where me n my mom lived and she put a bucket under it and i kept trying to play with the water!

 

[Echoes Peak]

I am so sorry to hear this. . . when I was in college, a friend of mine woul talk to me and our mutual friends about trying to find God , , , she was searching for the truth and was being drawn to mormonism . . I did some research on it and gave her my findings . . then summer break . . when I came back, i found out she had committed suicide . .. this was such a shock .. it left me feeling empty inside, confused, wondering if I did the right thing disuading her from mormonism (that it would have been better for her to have been mormon than to have committed suicide) . . .

We had no answers . .all we could do was trust God for her soul . .

Something like this causes a lot of soul searching . .

May you find God's peace and comfort as you lean on Him for understanding . .


Peace in Him!

Thanks for your post.

I'm back at my apartment now. My friends aren't doing so hot but I think they are eventually getting to the point where they are willing to talk about it. I think that's a good step.

 

[bestill]

I'm thankful to see this new board here on Christian Forums.

On February 9th, my husband will have been gone 3 years. I just can't believe that it's been 3 years since he died. It doesn't seem possible.
I know that I have come a long way in my grief, but I still have so many more issues to deal with. I think that I'm just now actually accepting the fact that he died. I've become more depressed since October of last year and have felt so bewildered and confused because I thought I was doing so much better.
But now I realize that maybe the reason for the depression is that I'm just now coming to terms with his death.
It's so hard....I try to take each day as it comes..just one day at a time. I try to be patient, though it's really hard sometimes because when I say it out loud...3 years!!! That is a long time. But still, I am grieving.
We must try to remember to be good to ourselves and take care of ourselves, and let God help us to heal.
I'm so very sorry, everyone...so sorry for your losses. May God be with us and help us through this.

 

[GMRELIC]

I lost my 15 yr old son to a shot gun accident 5 weeks ago, I am still very much in the grieving process, and still have many very bad days, but I know he is with god,
and that brings me some confort

 

[GreenEyedLady]

GMRELIC-

My deepest sympathy to you. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Something to remember, not to blame yourself. We do that sometimes, especially my husband because he is the protector of the family. He did accept that God wanted our daughter to leave to glorify HIM. And that has happened, and has continued to happen. Please get this book called "Safe in the Arms of God" written by John MacAuthur. I do not agree with all his doctrines, but the book provides great scriptures and is very well written. Read it, it will help.
You are in my prayers.
GEL

 

[shout2thelord]

my mum died when i was 16 which is 4 years ago now and my dad died just before christmas. im next of kin so ive been quite stressed trying to sort everything. and finish my final yr of university.

 

[thereselittleflower]

I lost my 15 yr old son to a shot gun accident 5 weeks ago, I am still very much in the grieving process, and still have many very bad days, but I know he is with god,
and that brings me some confort

No one ever expects to outlive their child . . I am so, so sorry . .



May God hold you in the palm of His hand . ..


Peace in Him!

 

[thereselittleflower]

my mum died when i was 16 which is 4 years ago now and my dad died just before christmas. im next of kin so ive been quite stressed trying to sort everything. and finish my final yr of university.

I am really so sorry . . <hugs>

May God be with you through all of this and strengthen you for all you need to do . . .


Peace in Him!

 

[thereselittleflower]

I'm thankful to see this new board here on Christian Forums.

On February 9th, my husband will have been gone 3 years. I just can't believe that it's been 3 years since he died. It doesn't seem possible.
I know that I have come a long way in my grief, but I still have so many more issues to deal with. I think that I'm just now actually accepting the fact that he died. I've become more depressed since October of last year and have felt so bewildered and confused because I thought I was doing so much better.
But now I realize that maybe the reason for the depression is that I'm just now coming to terms with his death.
It's so hard....I try to take each day as it comes..just one day at a time. I try to be patient, though it's really hard sometimes because when I say it out loud...3 years!!! That is a long time. But still, I am grieving.
We must try to remember to be good to ourselves and take care of ourselves, and let God help us to heal.
I'm so very sorry, everyone...so sorry for your losses. May God be with us and help us through this.

I am so sorry about your loss to . . 3 years is still so fresh in the heart and mind . ..

It is surprising how long the grief process actually takes . .our culture wants us to put our grief away soon after our loss . . but we need to give it the time it needs, which is really years . . . God is with us . . and He will always stay by our side, and carry us when we simply can't go forward another step until we are ready to walk again . .


Peace in Him!

 

[shout2thelord]

last night i really wasnt feeling good but just after i posted on here a friend from my home church rang and it was perfect timing. just to have someone to talk to. i wish i could make the pressure go away so i could greive properly. i guess others here understand theres a lot to do when someone dies.
but like last night i know God is with us through everything

I just struggle because it feels like everything i have is gone. my mum and my dad. im at university so my younger sister is staying with friends and wont open up to anyone, she is still so angry but its a lot to deal with wen your 15 and not a christian.

my cats were taken to stay with this lady sum private place when my dad was in hospital and wen he died they found them a new family so i havent seen them since august wen i came back to uni.

we need to sell the house because it will cost a lot to keep it running with no one there and i mote be moving away anyway. but its just hard to talk to the soliceter and moving all my stuff out of the house where i grew up and getting ready to sell it all while im in university in another town so close to finishing my degree but struggling now to deal with so many things and the emotion as well.

my security as gone in a way even though i know God is with me and will look after me. But now i have to make all these decisions and everything is so confusing.

naturally i cant handle it - i know God gives me strength. naturally there is nothing i can trust in anymore just God.



I never imagined losing both my parents by the age of 20 - i guess i just feel so young even tho im an adult now.

 

[GreenEyedLady]

last night i really wasnt feeling good but just after i posted on here a friend from my home church rang and it was perfect timing. just to have someone to talk to. i wish i could make the pressure go away so i could greive properly. i guess others here understand theres a lot to do when someone dies.
but like last night i know God is with us through everything

I just struggle because it feels like everything i have is gone. my mum and my dad. im at university so my younger sister is staying with friends and wont open up to anyone, she is still so angry but its a lot to deal with wen your 15 and not a christian.

my cats were taken to stay with this lady sum private place when my dad was in hospital and wen he died they found them a new family so i havent seen them since august wen i came back to uni.

we need to sell the house because it will cost a lot to keep it running with no one there and i mote be moving away anyway. but its just hard to talk to the soliceter and moving all my stuff out of the house where i grew up and getting ready to sell it all while im in university in another town so close to finishing my degree but struggling now to deal with so many things and the emotion as well.

my security as gone in a way even though i know God is with me and will look after me. But now i have to make all these decisions and everything is so confusing.

naturally i cant handle it - i know God gives me strength. naturally there is nothing i can trust in anymore just God.



I never imagined losing both my parents by the age of 20 - i guess i just feel so young even tho im an adult now.

Girl i feel for you. I am 30 and my parents are gone and I feel cheated. I also lost my daughter 19 months ago. Your 20. Its so hard, I know. Sometimes I wonder if God is doing this to me so that I have nothing left but HIM. Its possible. How did your parents die? Both of my parents died from diabeties. Its a long slow death. I can understand your sis being angry. She will most likely be that way for awhile. I was when I lost my father.
Now that i have lost my twin daughter and my mother, I am not really angry, just humbled I guess. I am too scared to get angry with the Lord.
You are young......and it stinks that your parents are not here. It is vital for your grief that you ask God "what now?" That will get you going down the right road and atleast walking slowly even thought you don't want to.
email me anytime.
GEL

 

[~PICKLE~]

My husband has had a hard 4 years. First he lost his aunt arounf Easter time the year 2000, Then his mother passed that Sept 2000 of COPD and then his gramps dies the same here the day after Thanksgiving. The hardest Would be his dad. Dec. 6, 2002 we got a phone call from an Arizona hospital saying his father had been in a accident and he was in surgery we had to come there now. So My father got us airline tickets from TX to Az. When we got there. We found out that his father had taken himself to the hospital that morning about 4 with pains in his belly. This hospital kept him til 9. They treated him for gas. He left the hospital at 9 at 9:22, he passed out from an aneresm(sp?) What killed John Ritter. His truck went through a brick wall at the DMV and landed on another car. The women had just gotten out and walked inside the DMV. Actually he died at the when the aneresm bust, but careflight brought him back and took him to another hospital. That hospital did immidate surgery and fixed the problem. Only 1% live after one of these bust, that's what the hospital told us. So he survived that and the accident. He spent 11 days in ICU. In there he survived Pnamonia(sp?) THen they moved him to another floor for people that have heart problems. He had congestive heart failure for 4 years. He did okay there and they moved him again cause he was getting ready to come home. He was doing really good and Christmas was in 4-5 days. 2 days before he passed he and my husband got into it cause my husband wouldn't give him a smoke. His dad was really upset with him. So we left, his father said don't come back. My husband was really hurt and didn't understand his fathers actions. The next day he didn't want to go to the hospital, He went to look for work, cause we were going to stay in Az. for awhile to take care of his dad. The day after that we were getting dressed to go to the hospital, when his dads doctor called. My husband answered the call. I've never seen the face fear and shock like I did that morning. His father was eating breakfast and was watching TV. After he finished eating the nurse checked on him and he was fine. 10 mins. later he was blue. He had chocked while coughing and it filled his lungs. They cleared his lungs, but his heart just gave up. It's so weird that he survived the worst, but the simple took him. I know God has reasons for everything. And I know that he had that 2nd hospital bring him back so My husband and his brother could be with him. Sometimes the why just...... is just....
My husband has had a very hard year and 2 months, he blames himself, and he is in deep depression. He's in treatment and on meds now, but for someone to loose both they're parents within two years, has to be hard. Well it is hard, I've been livin' it and we're both dealing.
This is soooo long, I'll end. Just wanted to share!!!!

 

[Rupert]

I lost my wife suddenly on Nov 25, 2003, she had just visited my granson (9 months) and my daughter 27 then drove down the street and died while driving of a brain anuerism. I met her when she was sixteen and she was only 48 when she passed away. We would have been married 30 years this year and have had a wonderful life together. We have three daughters 20,25,27 who have always made us proud. My wife and I also worked together for the past 20 years. Boy what a hole this has left in my heart.
It is amazing how the Lord will carry you through, I have had wonderful support from family and freinds. We held a memorial service for Lori and 850+ people turned up to our small church. This is evidence of the people she touched during her life. The service was honouring to Lori and to God. It was a witness to our unsaved freinds as well as our Christian freinds. Everything has not been a bed of roses. Do I struggle? You bet with life and Faith. Am I mad at God? A hard question but truthfully Yes, we had so much more to do with our life together. Will I turn my back on God? Never! I pray daily that he will help me through this. You know Gods hand was there when my wife died, the neurologists say it happened so quick there was no way she would have had any indication of it. Amazing because she pulled her car over on a very busy road and managed to unlock the door. The Drs. say not possible. But the man who tried to help her said that is what he found. Lori would never want to hurt anyone so the Lord stepped in and ensured she didn't.
This Sunday we will place Loris ashes next to my mother & father, I pray that the service at the graveyard will be a witness to my unsaved family members and a time of healing for my Daughters & Son in Law & Granson.