Hello,
I stumbled upon this forum while looking for support sites and figured I'd investigate it further because my "faith" was one of the earliest casualties of my diagnosis.
To provide you with a little background, I grew up in a home that "played along" with being Christian, but ended up being "emotionally abusive" (to quote one of my therapists). My Grandmother frequently displayed many of the symptoms of BiPolar disorder (including suffering randomly lashing out at everyone in site) while my mother displayed all the symptoms of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder who liked to use us children in her attacks on my father. Regardless, I remained active in church, bible studies, etc, which seemed to help with my bouts of depression.
The second half of my teenage years is when things started to go seriously wrong for me. Aside from the increasingly severe mood swings from depression, to extreme anger and aggression, to general well being and happiness (which were written off as being normal, being imagined, or being the fault of one of my parents, depending on who I asked), towards the end of High School I started to occasionally hear voices when I prayed. Rather than bring me to a Doctor, my parents and fellow paritioners who heard of it all said i should talk to the Pastor (who suggested maybe God really was responding to me).
Very quickly after that, the "voice", when I heard it, turned negative and began telling me that I "needed to suffer" and "was bringing pain to everyone I knew", and I developed the sensation that something was "crawling around in my brain". I turned to cutting myself to "relieve the pressure" and cover it up as an accident or burn. Back to the pastor and church / bible study who then suggested that I was "being oppressed by a demon" and that I should "keep praying and reading the bible". As my faith began to completely collapse, I was told that I was "like the seed sown in stony places". After that I attempted suicide, somehow survived and managed to drag myself to the campus medical center where I promptly collapsed, but got medical attention from some EMT's who had arrived to respond to another suicide on campus.
After a few visits with the psychiatrist and therapists, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II (with psychotic symptoms), Paranoid Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Fast Forward 11 years and I'm still in one piece with the help of five different medications. I still deal with the severe depression and strong suicidal ideation, and recently the "voice" has returned,this time telling me that I "needed to die to ease the pain of all those around" me.
In the months that followed, after developing a deeper understanding of just what I was delaing with, I grew angry with all those I had approached for help previously. This anger was only compounded by some of them insisting that "its all made up" or again that "its a demon I failed to free myself from". The worst for me were the ones who proclaimed that "its a test" or "God would not give you more than you can bear". Soon after this, I proclaimed that "God is Dead", and walked away for years.
From a therapy point of view, the enduring legacy of my little "adventure" is all of the anger that remains. I am still angry at all the players in that scenario: myself for not "breaking rank" and pushing for medical help, the church and all its members for their arrogance, my family for their continued denial, and God (last but not least). My mountain never moved when I commanded it to, my burden got heavier and heavier no matter how many times I tried to give it to him, and in the end, for all of my crying out, all I got was a voice telling me I'm "better off dead".
Since then, I have not been able to walk into a Church or read a Bible without becoming visibly angry and agitated. When doing some of the word association exercises intherapy, my response to the word God was immediatly "Betrayal". It was only recently that an old friend of mine suggested that maybe I was still angry because some part of me "wanted some part of that faith back".
I think in the end, my question is "What does God honestly expect from me?"
I stumbled upon this forum while looking for support sites and figured I'd investigate it further because my "faith" was one of the earliest casualties of my diagnosis.
To provide you with a little background, I grew up in a home that "played along" with being Christian, but ended up being "emotionally abusive" (to quote one of my therapists). My Grandmother frequently displayed many of the symptoms of BiPolar disorder (including suffering randomly lashing out at everyone in site) while my mother displayed all the symptoms of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder who liked to use us children in her attacks on my father. Regardless, I remained active in church, bible studies, etc, which seemed to help with my bouts of depression.
The second half of my teenage years is when things started to go seriously wrong for me. Aside from the increasingly severe mood swings from depression, to extreme anger and aggression, to general well being and happiness (which were written off as being normal, being imagined, or being the fault of one of my parents, depending on who I asked), towards the end of High School I started to occasionally hear voices when I prayed. Rather than bring me to a Doctor, my parents and fellow paritioners who heard of it all said i should talk to the Pastor (who suggested maybe God really was responding to me).
Very quickly after that, the "voice", when I heard it, turned negative and began telling me that I "needed to suffer" and "was bringing pain to everyone I knew", and I developed the sensation that something was "crawling around in my brain". I turned to cutting myself to "relieve the pressure" and cover it up as an accident or burn. Back to the pastor and church / bible study who then suggested that I was "being oppressed by a demon" and that I should "keep praying and reading the bible". As my faith began to completely collapse, I was told that I was "like the seed sown in stony places". After that I attempted suicide, somehow survived and managed to drag myself to the campus medical center where I promptly collapsed, but got medical attention from some EMT's who had arrived to respond to another suicide on campus.
After a few visits with the psychiatrist and therapists, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II (with psychotic symptoms), Paranoid Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Fast Forward 11 years and I'm still in one piece with the help of five different medications. I still deal with the severe depression and strong suicidal ideation, and recently the "voice" has returned,this time telling me that I "needed to die to ease the pain of all those around" me.
In the months that followed, after developing a deeper understanding of just what I was delaing with, I grew angry with all those I had approached for help previously. This anger was only compounded by some of them insisting that "its all made up" or again that "its a demon I failed to free myself from". The worst for me were the ones who proclaimed that "its a test" or "God would not give you more than you can bear". Soon after this, I proclaimed that "God is Dead", and walked away for years.
From a therapy point of view, the enduring legacy of my little "adventure" is all of the anger that remains. I am still angry at all the players in that scenario: myself for not "breaking rank" and pushing for medical help, the church and all its members for their arrogance, my family for their continued denial, and God (last but not least). My mountain never moved when I commanded it to, my burden got heavier and heavier no matter how many times I tried to give it to him, and in the end, for all of my crying out, all I got was a voice telling me I'm "better off dead".
Since then, I have not been able to walk into a Church or read a Bible without becoming visibly angry and agitated. When doing some of the word association exercises intherapy, my response to the word God was immediatly "Betrayal". It was only recently that an old friend of mine suggested that maybe I was still angry because some part of me "wanted some part of that faith back".
I think in the end, my question is "What does God honestly expect from me?"
