Where the line is

[StPeter]

I’ve been semi-dating this girl for about six months now. We, like anyone else, have our good times and bad times. She has gone back to her ex twice now in the past six months (they were together for 3 years). He is the abusive type, more mentally than anything. I have tried to be patient with her and be there for her. I found myself more and more thinking ‘What would Christ do?’ in the situation. My problem is that I’m ready to settle down with someone. I realize that it may not be my time yet, and God will allow it to happen when He is ready for it to. However, I’m at a loss of how to handle the situation with this girl. I have prayed about it for months now, and I still have no direction. I feel like if I keep hanging around her that I’m just going to become more hurt every time she runs back to her ex. On the other hand, I feel like if I try to let her go, that I’m failing in some way for not being there for her. I have asked her to at least be exclusive with me and the serious part can come later naturally when it is supposed to. She just tells me that she’s not ready for that yet and I can move on if I need. I have tried twice now to move on, and every time I tell her I’m moving on, she will call me five times the next day and just keep calling to make sure I’m still attached. My question is, “How do you know where to draw the line, and how do you know if that is the right thing to do?”

 

[charligirl]

What a difficult situation. I would suggest that yoiu break it off in terms of romance and just be there for her as a friend -- at least for now, then see where God leads you.

She is not in any way ready for a relationship, if she is returning to an abuser she will have self esteen issues, possible co-dependeny and certainly much confusion, not a healthy mix!

You need to look after yourself, and if she is not ready to commit to anything more serious then you are doing both of you a disservice by continuing to date. But I agree that she needs help, you need to pray for her restoration. It sounds like she could benefit form a christian counsellor to sort out her issues. If she cannot love herself (and anyone who puts up with abuse doesn't love themself properly) then she will not know who she is in Christ and is not even able to love a man in a healthy way anyway.

Pray for her and encourage her to seek help, whether that is a book, a course or a counsellor.

 

[leah-bygrace]

You need to look after yourself, and if she is not ready to commit to anything more serious then you are doing both of you a disservice by continuing to date. But I agree that she needs help, you need to pray for her restoration. It sounds like she could benefit form a christian counsellor to sort out her issues. If she cannot love herself (and anyone who puts up with abuse doesn't love themself properly) then she will not know who she is in Christ and is not even able to love a man in a healthy way anyway.

Pray for her and encourage her to seek help, whether that is a book, a course or a counsellor.

Totally agree with charligirl. If you feel that you are "ready" to settle down (as you described), and want to find someone with whom to build a relationship, I don't think this girl is that person...at least not for right now.

It is the right thing to detach yourself from this girl. Your emotional involvement has brought you much pain and has not prevented her from going back to her ex. IMO, there is not much you can do to help this girl, except pray for her and detach yourself from her. You won't be failing her if you are encouraging her and guiding her towards Christ. You are her rebound right now, but she will never change until her rebound becomes GOD. IMO if you pursue anything more than friendship at this time you will be sorely disappointed. As charligirl mentioned, she would benefit greatly from a christian counselor to help her get perspective (we all would!).

You wrote that she tells you to move on, but then calls you constantly when you try to step back I think you need to explain to her how this affects you. Tell her that you want to be there for her or get her help, but that she should respect the way you feel about her and realize that this is painful for you.

I've said a prayer for you...

 

[Sketcher]

Let her go, man. Everything worth saying has been said already, just let her go.

 

[Phrasedefina]

This is easy. What I am going to tell you to do is not easy, but the solution is simple...
Based on this statement you made:

......I have tried twice now to move on, and every time I tell her I’m moving on, she will call me five times the next day and just keep calling to make sure I’m still attached. My question is, “How do you know where to draw the line, and how do you know if that is the right thing to do?”

You need to draw the line now. You simply have to tell her she can not go back to her ex ever again if you are to continue to be with her. You will HAVE to move on....if she calls you, don't answer the dang phone! There is nothing you can do to speed up her making the right decisions to leave him for good. That decision is all up to her.

And, it sounds to me that she doesn't want to make that decision. She wants one of you to make it for her....well do it then. Tell her no more and thats it. You have to be strong and don't cave in. If you continue this with her and she continues to act this way, then you are both failing each other.

Not to sound harsh but, GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

 

[FaithfulServant]

Sounds like she is using you for the emotional comfort that her ex cannot give her. You don't deserve to be toyed with. I suggest giving her the boot and blocking her phone number

 

[Blank123]

I agree with everyone. Why put yourself through all this pain? It's really not worth it in the end if she's not willing to forget about her ex and just be with you, and make a comitment(sp?) to you.