Where is God?

[sioleabha]

I have suffered from depression for years. As a little kid I remember my mom always asking me, "Why are you crying this time?" and I couldn't answer her. My journals (which I've kept since I was 8, are full of just sadness for no reason, no cause. When I was in junior high I was on anti-anxiety meds. When I was in high school I just started crying uncontrollably in class one day for no reason at all, and the guidance counselor told my mom I was suicidal (I wasn't). In college I remember my Greek Lit. professor trying to convince me to go on Zoloft, though I really think she just wanted to believe that her taking it was normal so she projected her depression onto me. But I still failed out of school after becoming so depressed that I would sleep in until 4 in the afternoon, go to the computer lab and stare at a screen (not doing much of anything) until about 6am, and then go home and sleep.

Finally after I got married my husband convinced me that I actually did have a problem, and I started Zoloft. It helped me a little bit, but then it just stopped helping. So we upped the dose, and it didn't matter. We upped it again, nothing. Eventually I stopped taking it. Around this time I became a Christian.

Understand, I NEVER thought becoming a Christian was going to be some magical cure. I just felt like I was so lost and so messed up that I had no choice but to turn to God. And in a lot of ways my life has improved because of this. I feel like now I know what I should do with my life. I have direction. I have something to base decisions and morality on. But I don't feel like my depression has gotten any better at all.

My husband says I am just not seeing the improvements, but when I ask him to tell me what they are, all he can talk about are things I am "doing." I used to be so bad that I would literally sit in a chair all day and stare at a computer screen whether anything interesting was happening online or not. And I have worked at it and managed to "do" things. The house is clean, the kids are taken care of, homeschooling gets done. But is that life? "Doing"?

I don't feel like I have any relationship with my kids. They are sweet, loving, adorable children. But my heart is so broken that I can't connect. It's... I love them. But when I am around them I just don't care about anything they say or do at all. I don't feel like I have much of a relationship with my husband, either. I can't connect to ANYONE. It's like all people are on the other side of a glass wall. I am alone.

I remember this one summer when I was doing so well, my house was so clean and the kids were happy and taken care of, they were getting to spend three days a week at their MawMaw's house. Mark was happy. And at the end of every day I just wanted to cry because nothing meant anything to me.

Mark takes me to do anything I want. He treats me so well. I try and figure out things I will enjoy doing, we do them together, and frankly, I might as well sleep through it. I just can't make myself feel ANYTHING.

I pray. I want so badly to have a relationship with God. I pray, and I study the Bible, and I am learning scriptural meditation... I am not looking for "fixes," I want to know Him. But where is He? I get no answers. I feel nothing. I pray, and I beg, and I think He must be answering and I'm just not seeing, so I pray for Him to turn my head. I tell Him how dense I am and I beg Him to help me figure out where He is. I try to see Him in my kids and my husband and I look everywhere. And I try to figure out what I am doing wrong, how I am blocking or ignoring Him or looking in the wrong place or what. And I search the Scripture and I listen to sermons hoping He'll show me what I'm missing. Where is it???

This is worse than being a depressed atheist. Back then I just thought I was ****ed up and oh well. Now I know in my heart that He's there and wants to help me, I try to get angry and stop believing, but I can't. It's too obvious. But where is HE???

I don't know where this evil in me is coming from. As far as I can remember nothing awful happened to me. I feel so hopeless. I want to change and I try so damned hard and I pray so damned hard and nothing happens.

My babies are growing up. My oldest is 8. She's almost done with the years where she thinks I'm perfect and sometimes I am downright mean to her, and I can't stop. If I don't get past this she is going to grow up and hate me. It's not fair. Before I had kids, I didn't care. I could sit alone in a room for the rest of my life and who cares. But why is He making them live with a mother like me? They already had one mother who left them. It's not fair! It's going to be too late for them soon, and I have to get better for them now!

I don't want them to be ruined like me.

 

[Soulwings]

Ohh sweetie ...

God is there. And I don't really know why He lets us go through stuff like this, why it feels like He's really far away, but He's there. And I know you know this. I'm going through the same thing, fighting to realise that He hasn't just abandoned me.

Perhaps Christian counseling would help, or have you tried talking with your pastor about how very isolated from God you feel? Either the counselor or the pastor would have more helpful things to say than I. I'm sure you aren't as terrible or awful as you see yourself; our perceptions of ourselves are often quite warped and twisted by our minds.

You're in my prayers. If you need someone else to talk to, know that I'm always here. God bless.

 

[sioleabha]

Ohh sweetie ... I'm sure you aren't as terrible or awful as you see yourself; our perceptions of ourselves are often quite warped and twisted by our minds.

The thing is, I know you're trying to be nice by saying that, but you don't know it's true. For all you know I could be the evil stepmother from Cinderella.

I talked to my pastor. He told me my problem was I had too many kids and I expected too much of myself and I should do less. This was in one of my literally sitting in one chair all day phases. I did nothing, but he said it was too stressful.

The fact is that I have never felt the presence of God. If He's there, why does He refuse to show Himself to me?

"For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:8

I'm knocking...

 

[reneed70]

I wish there were a magic cure, but there is not. I have had bouts of depression, but tend to come and go, unlike yours. Mine are due to infertility, I know this, while you don't understand why. I have often asked God why....my only was to "Wait" which means serve. SO while I await His answers I will serve Him with my whole heart, be sure to read your bible every day and pray unceasingly. I am not saying you won't still experience depression but you will know who to turn to when the waves come crashing in. There is an illness called something detachment disorder, so maybe you have something like this instead of depression. I hope things look up for you. Pray for guidance.
Take care
Renee

 

[inHisgripkim]

I have suffered from depression for years. As a little kid I remember my mom always asking me, "Why are you crying this time?" and I couldn't answer her. My journals (which I've kept since I was 8, are full of just sadness for no reason, no cause. When I was in junior high I was on anti-anxiety meds. When I was in high school I just started crying uncontrollably in class one day for no reason at all, and the guidance counselor told my mom I was suicidal (I wasn't). In college I remember my Greek Lit. professor trying to convince me to go on Zoloft, though I really think she just wanted to believe that her taking it was normal so she projected her depression onto me. But I still failed out of school after becoming so depressed that I would sleep in until 4 in the afternoon, go to the computer lab and stare at a screen (not doing much of anything) until about 6am, and then go home and sleep.

Finally after I got married my husband convinced me that I actually did have a problem, and I started Zoloft. It helped me a little bit, but then it just stopped helping. So we upped the dose, and it didn't matter. We upped it again, nothing. Eventually I stopped taking it. Around this time I became a Christian.

Understand, I NEVER thought becoming a Christian was going to be some magical cure. I just felt like I was so lost and so messed up that I had no choice but to turn to God. And in a lot of ways my life has improved because of this. I feel like now I know what I should do with my life. I have direction. I have something to base decisions and morality on. But I don't feel like my depression has gotten any better at all.

My husband says I am just not seeing the improvements, but when I ask him to tell me what they are, all he can talk about are things I am "doing." I used to be so bad that I would literally sit in a chair all day and stare at a computer screen whether anything interesting was happening online or not. And I have worked at it and managed to "do" things. The house is clean, the kids are taken care of, homeschooling gets done. But is that life? "Doing"?

I don't feel like I have any relationship with my kids. They are sweet, loving, adorable children. But my heart is so broken that I can't connect. It's... I love them. But when I am around them I just don't care about anything they say or do at all. I don't feel like I have much of a relationship with my husband, either. I can't connect to ANYONE. It's like all people are on the other side of a glass wall. I am alone.

I remember this one summer when I was doing so well, my house was so clean and the kids were happy and taken care of, they were getting to spend three days a week at their MawMaw's house. Mark was happy. And at the end of every day I just wanted to cry because nothing meant anything to me.

Mark takes me to do anything I want. He treats me so well. I try and figure out things I will enjoy doing, we do them together, and frankly, I might as well sleep through it. I just can't make myself feel ANYTHING.

I pray. I want so badly to have a relationship with God. I pray, and I study the Bible, and I am learning scriptural meditation... I am not looking for "fixes," I want to know Him. But where is He? I get no answers. I feel nothing. I pray, and I beg, and I think He must be answering and I'm just not seeing, so I pray for Him to turn my head. I tell Him how dense I am and I beg Him to help me figure out where He is. I try to see Him in my kids and my husband and I look everywhere. And I try to figure out what I am doing wrong, how I am blocking or ignoring Him or looking in the wrong place or what. And I search the Scripture and I listen to sermons hoping He'll show me what I'm missing. Where is it???

This is worse than being a depressed atheist. Back then I just thought I was ****ed up and oh well. Now I know in my heart that He's there and wants to help me, I try to get angry and stop believing, but I can't. It's too obvious. But where is HE???

I don't know where this evil in me is coming from. As far as I can remember nothing awful happened to me. I feel so hopeless. I want to change and I try so damned hard and I pray so damned hard and nothing happens.

My babies are growing up. My oldest is 8. She's almost done with the years where she thinks I'm perfect and sometimes I am downright mean to her, and I can't stop. If I don't get past this she is going to grow up and hate me. It's not fair. Before I had kids, I didn't care. I could sit alone in a room for the rest of my life and who cares. But why is He making them live with a mother like me? They already had one mother who left them. It's not fair! It's going to be too late for them soon, and I have to get better for them now!

I don't want them to be ruined like me.

My prayers are with you! It almost sounds like you have a hormonal imbalance of some kind. Have you ever gone to see an endocrinologist? Might be good to get some testing done in that area. Might find there is a problem thyroid, adrenal, or pituitary gland etc.

One thing I have found is that God is with us, but if we aren't seeking Him with all our heart, soul, and mind we can surely miss Him. I have come from an abusive past and I have suffered chemical imbalances. Since I have found the Lord and continue to seek Him in every breath, I have had blessings upon blessings unfold for me. I am on Celexa, an antidepressant that works for me. I recommend you try this and also if your physician decides that it is appropriate.

Hang on to the Lord, He is faithful. In the meantime, i will be praying that God will arise in You and that you burn with Holy Spirit and that you will ultimately shine. I will also pray that you get the medical tests that might help you overcome the strongholds you face. Modern medicine is one of God's instruments.

Keep on praying and seeking the Lord with every breath. We are here and praying for you.

God' peace to You,
InHisgripkim

 

[Naomie]

My heart goes out to you.

I know what you are going through. At the age of 25 with five children, I have to agree with your Pastor. I have six children but I am much, much older than you. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you at your young age. Please try to get some childcare support from your relatives. Why not off-load some of the responsibilities for the older ones onto their grandparents?

I know how you feel, really. I suffer with depression, too. I know that I am an awful mother. My husband is more like a mother to my children than me. And these are my blood-children. Imagine how that feels: to know that you are not a real mother to your own children. I'm glad to recognise myself in your post. I did not realise how depressed I am. I thought that I was just a horrible person but I think that it must be depression.

God bless you.

 

[ElijahSK]

sioleabha,

I have a deep compassion for your plight. You speak many of my very thoughts. Since I became a teenage I have experienced some of the same things you talk about. From staying up till I'd go to school then sleeping until night time. To myself I would always seem to be in a daze. I played multiple sports in school but never really had friends. Mainly because this lack of connection. I had tried to have a serious relationship, but I find myself incapable of the necessary communication needed to maintain it. I love my family and my friends. But I can't bring myself to even call them. When I was in the Air Force it'd be half a year if not bordering on a year before I'd actually get around to calling anyone. I got in a wreck shortly after my girlfriend had a stroke. For months I would do nothing. I could try to read the Bible, but I would end up staring at a page for hours on end. I was even to the point of not eating for days at a time. This was my condition. I believe it parallels your in some key points. This is why I'm replying to you.

The world's cure for this is something like this. It's like you've got a car with several things going wrong. They're answer is to find where you've been with this car. Then go back and patch it up just enough so it'll keep running. The world's cure leaves much to be desired and rarely actually fixes the problem.

This is the magical cure. The gospel. You see, when you drive that car to God's garage He doesn't patch it up. He says drive it out back, and proceeds to crush it with a car crusher into the size of a suitcase. He doesn't patch you up; He destroys that car and says you'll be riding with Him from now on.

We all had many problems in our days before coming to Christ. We were all servants of sin, unable to control ourselves. Though with our hearts and minds we wanted to do what is right (I'll call this the law of conscience or the law of God), with our bodies we were not able to accomplish what we set out to do in our minds. We had no will to make it happen or stop it from happening. So with our mind we served the law of conscience, but with our bodies we served the law of sin. Our minds always wanting to do what is right and good, but our bodies always letting us down and ending up doing the things we never wanted it to do. This leads us to believing we are wretched. We go about looking for someone to deliver us from this body of death.

The answer is so simple. It's so simple that many cannot accept it, but I assure you believe this and you have your magical cure. It worked for me, and it'll work for you. The key to freedom is this. When you came to Christ, you became a new creature. Old things passed away, behold all things became new. Understand this, that your old woman that always suffered from this depression has been crucified with Christ. When you came to Christ, you were given a new history. You were sioleabha. A depressed sinner in need of a saviour. Now you are in Christ and He in you. Now His history is your history. You lived 33 years. You died on the cross. You were raised again and now live unto God. When God looks at you He sees the righteousness of His Son.

Now you are righteous, you are sanctified, you are glorified. Now are you a son of God (I say son because it is a place of distinction you are brought into despite your sex). Now that you know you are a child of God, with that hope purify yourself. Do righteousness. He that the Son has set free is free indeed. Jesus said that Himself. When God told know it was going to rain and flood the earth, Noah believed God. He had never seen rain, he had never seen a flood, he had no experience of anything like that which God warned him of. But Noah trusted God at His word. This is what faith is. Faith is the evidence of things hoped for the substance of things not seen. The people in the Old Testament died in faith not even having received their promises, but having seen them afar off, were persuaded of them, embraced them, and confessed they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Now it's your turn. God promised you that once you came to Him He'd make you free and you'd be free indeed. He told you that your old man, your flesh, was crucified with Him on the cross. So that you could live unto God, righteously and holy. Now you must believe God on His word. If you had seen freedom before this it would not require faith for you to obtain it now. But no, this depression has enslaved you. Now is the time for faith. Private message me if you want and I'll give you scripture after scripture on this topic, or just get your Bible out and begin looking for it yourself. The only way to change is to believe in what God has already done to you. He made you free. It is up to you to believe what He has accomplished.

Once I came to realize this I can't tell you the load that was lifted off my shoulders. It took a couple times of acting on the belief for me to finally just outright believe it was so. Now I can't see it any other way. It is so simple. It's like someone put a stash of untold treasures right infront of me this whole time, and all I had to do was believe them when they told me where it was. I spent so much time looking for it elsewhere, but when I finally looked where they had said it was there all along just waiting for me to act by faith rather than search by feelings.

Please, ask me anything. Allow me to help you in anyway you need. You situation I feel is very similar to my own, and in helping you I help myself. Anything I say to you I've said to myself time and time again. And I know it'll work for you. There is so much more. I hope that what I have said thus far as encouraged you and at least gave you the beginnings of the understanding of our freedom in Christ Jesus.

The law of the Spirit of life in Jesus Christ has set me free from the law of sin and death. You are no longer in the flesh, if the Spirit of God dwells in you. So walk by the Spirit. Ignore what the flesh is telling you and resolve in yourself what is true and what has been false all along. Satan is the master of deception, with his lies he seeks to destroy us from the inside out. But our faith has overcome the world. That evil one cannot touch you, and you will never fail if you give diligence to making your calling and election in Christ Jesus sure.

Your Brother Your Friend Your Servant in Bonds,
Elijah
0

 

[inHisgripkim]

sioleabha,

I have a deep compassion for your plight. You speak many of my very thoughts. Since I became a teenage I have experienced some of the same things you talk about. From staying up till I'd go to school then sleeping until night time. To myself I would always seem to be in a daze. I played multiple sports in school but never really had friends. Mainly because this lack of connection. I had tried to have a serious relationship, but I find myself incapable of the necessary communication needed to maintain it. I love my family and my friends. But I can't bring myself to even call them. When I was in the Air Force it'd be half a year if not bordering on a year before I'd actually get around to calling anyone. I got in a wreck shortly after my girlfriend had a stroke. For months I would do nothing. I could try to read the Bible, but I would end up staring at a page for hours on end. I was even to the point of not eating for days at a time. This was my condition. I believe it parallels your in some key points. This is why I'm replying to you.

The world's cure for this is something like this. It's like you've got a car with several things going wrong. They're answer is to find where you've been with this car. Then go back and patch it up just enough so it'll keep running. The world's cure leaves much to be desired and rarely actually fixes the problem.

This is the magical cure. The gospel. You see, when you drive that car to God's garage He doesn't patch it up. He says drive it out back, and proceeds to crush it with a car crusher into the size of a suitcase. He doesn't patch you up; He destroys that car and says you'll be riding with Him from now on.

We all had many problems in our days before coming to Christ. We were all servants of sin, unable to control ourselves. Though with our hearts and minds we wanted to do what is right (I'll call this the law of conscience or the law of God), with our bodies we were not able to accomplish what we set out to do in our minds. We had no will to make it happen or stop it from happening. So with our mind we served the law of conscience, but with our bodies we served the law of sin. Our minds always wanting to do what is right and good, but our bodies always letting us down and ending up doing the things we never wanted it to do. This leads us to believing we are wretched. We go about looking for someone to deliver us from this body of death.

The answer is so simple. It's so simple that many cannot accept it, but I assure you believe this and you have your magical cure. It worked for me, and it'll work for you. The key to freedom is this. When you came to Christ, you became a new creature. Old things passed away, behold all things became new. Understand this, that your old woman that always suffered from this depression has been crucified with Christ. When you came to Christ, you were given a new history. You were sioleabha. A depressed sinner in need of a saviour. Now you are in Christ and He in you. Now His history is your history. You lived 33 years. You died on the cross. You were raised again and now live unto God. When God looks at you He sees the righteousness of His Son.

Now you are righteous, you are sanctified, you are glorified. Now are you a son of God (I say son because it is a place of distinction you are brought into despite your sex). Now that you know you are a child of God, with that hope purify yourself. Do righteousness. He that the Son has set free is free indeed. Jesus said that Himself. When God told know it was going to rain and flood the earth, Noah believed God. He had never seen rain, he had never seen a flood, he had no experience of anything like that which God warned him of. But Noah trusted God at His word. This is what faith is. Faith is the evidence of things hoped for the substance of things not seen. The people in the Old Testament died in faith not even having received their promises, but having seen them afar off, were persuaded of them, embraced them, and confessed they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Now it's your turn. God promised you that once you came to Him He'd make you free and you'd be free indeed. He told you that your old man, your flesh, was crucified with Him on the cross. So that you could live unto God, righteously and holy. Now you must believe God on His word. If you had seen freedom before this it would not require faith for you to obtain it now. But no, this depression has enslaved you. Now is the time for faith. Private message me if you want and I'll give you scripture after scripture on this topic, or just get your Bible out and begin looking for it yourself. The only way to change is to believe in what God has already done to you. He made you free. It is up to you to believe what He has accomplished.

Once I came to realize this I can't tell you the load that was lifted off my shoulders. It took a couple times of acting on the belief for me to finally just outright believe it was so. Now I can't see it any other way. It is so simple. It's like someone put a stash of untold treasures right infront of me this whole time, and all I had to do was believe them when they told me where it was. I spent so much time looking for it elsewhere, but when I finally looked where they had said it was there all along just waiting for me to act by faith rather than search by feelings.

Please, ask me anything. Allow me to help you in anyway you need. You situation I feel is very similar to my own, and in helping you I help myself. Anything I say to you I've said to myself time and time again. And I know it'll work for you. There is so much more. I hope that what I have said thus far as encouraged you and at least gave you the beginnings of the understanding of our freedom in Christ Jesus.

The law of the Spirit of life in Jesus Christ has set me free from the law of sin and death. You are no longer in the flesh, if the Spirit of God dwells in you. So walk by the Spirit. Ignore what the flesh is telling you and resolve in yourself what is true and what has been false all along. Satan is the master of deception, with his lies he seeks to destroy us from the inside out. But our faith has overcome the world. That evil one cannot touch you, and you will never fail if you give diligence to making your calling and election in Christ Jesus sure.

Your Brother Your Friend Your Servant in Bonds,
Elijah
0

Thank you Elijah. That was so beautiful. You have a gift. God bless,
InHisgripkim

 

[mmreed]

I can understand how you feel. I too feel very alone, broken, and forgotten.

I ponder over and over the "ask and you shall recieve" verses... praying over and over for the mental state that gets me out of this depression.

Not only do I sit in this state of depression, but I keep having medical issue after issue.. things keep going wrong over and over and over and over...

Just when one thing starts to pass, it either gets worse again, or something new takes its place...

Foot surgery...stomach pains... root canal... tooth filling... tooth filling done wrong... foot surgery not healing....sinus infection....more tooth pain...more foot pain... over and over and over... I wish just for one day Id have a day without something in pain. Its been that way for months for me... adding to an even deeper depression.

I knock and knock...begging God to make me feel whole again... asking for healing... asking to just give me strength to be normal in mind if the healing doesnt come... asking just to feel not alone... asking just to be happy a little but...

but I still sit here typing this message about my brokeness.

When will my door be opened? Im not only knocking, Im ringing the bell, shouting, and banging for it to be opened.