where do i go from here?

[jc9992]

Im kind of confused right now. Ever since January, when i was on top of the world strong in faith and OCD was just in the background, and after many events i lost most of that peace, i havent been able to get it back.

I struggle with compulsions and thoughts maybe even more so than ever and i just feel sorta burnt out.Ill have days where everything OCD wise and in my life seems to go right and ill say 'this is the day i get back on track", but then a day or 2 later everything goes wrong,and i admit pretty much all of those bad days its something ive done thats messed them up.

I know i need to just leave everything to God and try my best to fix things, but it took so much effort and time to finally get a spiritual happiness the first time and to see it all go away and especially because it was largely my fault, i just can't bring myself to really try to get back there again.I cant dedicate myself completely and totally leave it in Gods hands because i know ill just mess it up. what should I do?

 

[gracealone]

Im kind of confused right now. Ever since January, when i was on top of the world strong in faith and OCD was just in the background, and after many events i lost most of that peace, i havent been able to get it back.

Hi jc9,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a flare of your OCD, but you aren't alone it happens to all of us. It's not your fault. You can't force peaceful feelings to come, the more you try the less you will feel at peace. It's rather like when we try very hard to go to sleep. The harder we try the more awake we feel.

I struggle with compulsions and thoughts maybe even more so than ever and i just feel sorta burnt out.Ill have days where everything OCD wise and in my life seems to go right and ill say 'this is the day i get back on track", but then a day or 2 later everything goes wrong,and i admit pretty much all of those bad days its something ive done thats messed them up.

Good days and bad days are common with OCD. Progress can only be measured over the long haul. Beating yourself up because you "mess up" is a counterproductive activity. You have OCD - you didn't choose it any more than someone chooses to have a brain tumor.

I know i need to just leave everything to God
Yes - letting go is very important.

and try my best to fix things,
Fix what things? Only God can fix us, we can't fix ourselves.

but it took so much effort and time to finally get a spiritual happiness the first time
Feelings of spiritual happiness are wonderful, but they are not the evidence of our salvation. Feelings come and go but thankfully God's faithfulness toward us isn't dependant upon our spiritual happiness.

and to see it all go away

Just because you can't feel your faith doesn't mean that God has abandoned you. He hasn't "gone away". Your emotions are goofed up because of the OCD. OCD is a liar - it wants us to depend on our emotions to define truth. We can't do that or we'll get into trouble in a big hurry.
and especially because it was largely my fault,
i just can't bring myself to really try to get back there again.I cant dedicate myself completely and totally leave it in Gods hands because i know ill just mess it up. what should I do?

Quit trying to "get back there again". Live in the moment. Today, this hour is the only point at which we interact with eternity. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. So it's pointless to dwell in those regions. Expect that you will mess up again. That's why Christ substituted Himself for us on the cross. We are completely incapable of saving ourselves. We mess up all the time. We walk two steps, fall down, and He picks us back up again.
With OCD we have to accept these seasons of dryness - where we can't feel our faith. But we can still get up and serve Christ any way - with or without emotional validation. We have to be willing to agree with Job when he said - "Though He slay me - yet will I trust Him". This is what real faith is all about. It's not about our feelings, or our circumstances or who we are or what we've done. It's about turning around and following Christ no matter what.
"I am for going on." (J. Bunyan) How about you?
Praying for you,
Mitzi