Hello. I would advice readers to not read beyond this point if you don't wish to have your day ruined. It's not a pleasant read. I'll mention a couple of things that may not be appropriate for you to read right now. Then again, I guess you clicked this link for a reason ..
I'm up and down. Ever since birth. It's not just something that started happening recently. I've been blessed with a great upbringing. I have parents that love me so, and I've got three brothers that I would give my life for. I'd take the bullet instead of them. What can I say.
I'll try and summarize in a readable manner. I can't promise it'll be a short read. I'm probably writing this more for the sake of just saying it than wanting to keep my readers happy, if there are any.
I was born where you wouldn't want to be born. My parents were both alcoholics and they were probably using heavy drugs. If there was a party, they were there. Kids? Nah. There's a party going on! I'm talking about my biological parents (whom I've forgiven a long time ago.). And the day came when it was enough. I was picked up by the police one late night and taken to a children's home.
Spent - I don't know, 2-3 years there. A woman worked there, talked to her sister, the woman I now consider the only real mother I ever had - was allowed to go with them - they took good care of me from that day on, and still do. I love them. I'm going to mention this: They couldn't have children - before they adopted me - and my brother, he was brought in from Korea. - And THEN two years after (1984) - then they got a son. And got another. My brothers. I just know it isn't a coincidence. It was meant to happen.
My upbringing was good. Well, o.k. I wasn't like everyone else in some ways, but hey, who was? Anyway, I always felt like there was something I knew that no-one my age could know. I kept quiet a lot, but didn't hesitate to talk about anything if asked, and even volunteered to talk about stuff on occasion. Again - a lot of my upbringing was what a lot of people would consider 'normal', 'decent', 'good'. And it's true.
I'm now 28. Some say that's when the cricis comes sneeking in upon you. What are you going to do about your life? Where are you going? Kids? Familiy? Career? ETC? Yerr.. heh. I feel like this thing has been going on since day one. Only difference I feel now is I may be moving toward explaining it better. Seriously. What the heck is this..? Life? Oh noes! Crisis! Maybe. But I wanna die. Sometimes.
I've tried. I could have tried harder. I went to school, I almost finished high school. By almost, I mean I could have, I'm smart, but I figured I wanted to live. So I 'did'. Met people and started partying, you know.. girls.. drugs.. all that stuff. And it didn't just last 1/2 a year, more like a few years - and then no more. You know they say that all those 'friends' will dissapoint you in the end - but I can say this: NO. I found someone who were more of a friend to me than most of the people I grew up with. But:: to be fair - some of them, some of the people I grew up with are totally allright. They know who they are, or will one day know. Can't be 'replaced.' Either way - I met some awesome people during High School+
I kept going for a while. I've always wanted to do the right thing, but hey, who can? Can you? Well. I kept on going in the same track I were on from High School on for a couple of years, or more. And then..
A couple of years ago, something happened. I met Christ again. And HE LIVES. He does. He is alive! That's indeed awesome. In fact, it's more fantastic than anything else. I guess I'll have to repeat that. It's more fantastic than everything else! For sure. Because I did meet him, and he is still a great support for me. He is awesome. You may want to ask me how? All I can say is that it's true. The Bible says that he will reveal himself to you if you call upon him. And I can't explain how he does that. But he does.
But I want to die sometimes. My highs are soooo good, but my lows just make me want to sink into oblivion. I've made a deal with myself that every time I know these thoughts are coming, and every time I consider walking over to grab a knife and point to one of my veins, I'm going to stop myself. Because I promised. I promised myself. I promised the Most High. And I try to do that. And it works. But I still want to die sometimes. That would be a 'nice, easy' solution. But it's neither. It's neither nice nor easy.
Right now I have to say this; that I don't expect you to understand (no, I don't mean NOOO YOOO DON'T UNDERSTAND), I mean I don't expect you to make any sense of what I'm writing, that's all.
Seriously. I should probably go see a shrink. Nah. And btw; I can tell you this: There's one there for me. And his name is 'I Am'. And remember this: He's gentle.
I still want to just lay down and die sometimes. And would I write this if it was a minor teenage thing, nothing to take any further notice of? Heh.. if you say so, maybe you know something I don't know, in which case please tell me, cause I'm sick, and I want to get well.
I find myself going off to grab some Cannabis or Alcohol sometimes. It helps me relieve some of the insane pressure that builds up in me sometimes. And I have a problem with it. I find I shouldn't do it, because it's not 'the christian thing to do, He wouldn't like it, what would He do if he walked in the room?' But I do it anyway. I'm stubborn. I do it. I get high, get drunk. These days it happens every week. Just so you know; I'm sober most of the time. And before you say anything about Cannabis; it's better than alcohol. Do I seem like an ignorant fool? I know what I'm talking about. It's better. Check it. I'm not saying it's good. Not saying any of it is good. I'm just saying I have means.
And now I'm boring you. I can promise you this: I could go on for another hour just typing. This took me ~20 minutes to get down on file. I see no point sometimes.
I'm up and down. Ever since birth. It's not just something that started happening recently. I've been blessed with a great upbringing. I have parents that love me so, and I've got three brothers that I would give my life for. I'd take the bullet instead of them. What can I say.
I'll try and summarize in a readable manner. I can't promise it'll be a short read. I'm probably writing this more for the sake of just saying it than wanting to keep my readers happy, if there are any.
I was born where you wouldn't want to be born. My parents were both alcoholics and they were probably using heavy drugs. If there was a party, they were there. Kids? Nah. There's a party going on! I'm talking about my biological parents (whom I've forgiven a long time ago.). And the day came when it was enough. I was picked up by the police one late night and taken to a children's home.
Spent - I don't know, 2-3 years there. A woman worked there, talked to her sister, the woman I now consider the only real mother I ever had - was allowed to go with them - they took good care of me from that day on, and still do. I love them. I'm going to mention this: They couldn't have children - before they adopted me - and my brother, he was brought in from Korea. - And THEN two years after (1984) - then they got a son. And got another. My brothers. I just know it isn't a coincidence. It was meant to happen.
My upbringing was good. Well, o.k. I wasn't like everyone else in some ways, but hey, who was? Anyway, I always felt like there was something I knew that no-one my age could know. I kept quiet a lot, but didn't hesitate to talk about anything if asked, and even volunteered to talk about stuff on occasion. Again - a lot of my upbringing was what a lot of people would consider 'normal', 'decent', 'good'. And it's true.
I'm now 28. Some say that's when the cricis comes sneeking in upon you. What are you going to do about your life? Where are you going? Kids? Familiy? Career? ETC? Yerr.. heh. I feel like this thing has been going on since day one. Only difference I feel now is I may be moving toward explaining it better. Seriously. What the heck is this..? Life? Oh noes! Crisis! Maybe. But I wanna die. Sometimes.
I've tried. I could have tried harder. I went to school, I almost finished high school. By almost, I mean I could have, I'm smart, but I figured I wanted to live. So I 'did'. Met people and started partying, you know.. girls.. drugs.. all that stuff. And it didn't just last 1/2 a year, more like a few years - and then no more. You know they say that all those 'friends' will dissapoint you in the end - but I can say this: NO. I found someone who were more of a friend to me than most of the people I grew up with. But:: to be fair - some of them, some of the people I grew up with are totally allright. They know who they are, or will one day know. Can't be 'replaced.' Either way - I met some awesome people during High School+
I kept going for a while. I've always wanted to do the right thing, but hey, who can? Can you? Well. I kept on going in the same track I were on from High School on for a couple of years, or more. And then..
A couple of years ago, something happened. I met Christ again. And HE LIVES. He does. He is alive! That's indeed awesome. In fact, it's more fantastic than anything else. I guess I'll have to repeat that. It's more fantastic than everything else! For sure. Because I did meet him, and he is still a great support for me. He is awesome. You may want to ask me how? All I can say is that it's true. The Bible says that he will reveal himself to you if you call upon him. And I can't explain how he does that. But he does.
But I want to die sometimes. My highs are soooo good, but my lows just make me want to sink into oblivion. I've made a deal with myself that every time I know these thoughts are coming, and every time I consider walking over to grab a knife and point to one of my veins, I'm going to stop myself. Because I promised. I promised myself. I promised the Most High. And I try to do that. And it works. But I still want to die sometimes. That would be a 'nice, easy' solution. But it's neither. It's neither nice nor easy.
Right now I have to say this; that I don't expect you to understand (no, I don't mean NOOO YOOO DON'T UNDERSTAND), I mean I don't expect you to make any sense of what I'm writing, that's all.
Seriously. I should probably go see a shrink. Nah. And btw; I can tell you this: There's one there for me. And his name is 'I Am'. And remember this: He's gentle.
I still want to just lay down and die sometimes. And would I write this if it was a minor teenage thing, nothing to take any further notice of? Heh.. if you say so, maybe you know something I don't know, in which case please tell me, cause I'm sick, and I want to get well.
I find myself going off to grab some Cannabis or Alcohol sometimes. It helps me relieve some of the insane pressure that builds up in me sometimes. And I have a problem with it. I find I shouldn't do it, because it's not 'the christian thing to do, He wouldn't like it, what would He do if he walked in the room?' But I do it anyway. I'm stubborn. I do it. I get high, get drunk. These days it happens every week. Just so you know; I'm sober most of the time. And before you say anything about Cannabis; it's better than alcohol. Do I seem like an ignorant fool? I know what I'm talking about. It's better. Check it. I'm not saying it's good. Not saying any of it is good. I'm just saying I have means.
And now I'm boring you. I can promise you this: I could go on for another hour just typing. This took me ~20 minutes to get down on file. I see no point sometimes.
s for you
