jenptcfan said:
What is your view on how the OP should work to correct this behavior in his child? What correction methods are effective on a child this age (I'm truly interested in what works for different people).
Fair but difficult question to answer in a forum type of environment such as this. The truth is, I don't know
exactly. Because there are variables that only the parent would know, such as:
- Girls are typically more mature than boys at this age. How mature is she?
- How well can she articulate and express herself at 21 months?
- What type of a home environment has she been raised in? (Steve, for clarity, this isn't a critique - just that you and your wife would know best than us folks on the 'net')
- What forms of discipline has she been previously exposed to?
- At this stage, who does she more easily relate to, the mommy or the daddy?
- Who does she identify as the 'softy' at this stage, and the disciplinarian?
- Under what circumstances or conditions does she hit or throw things. When her sibling is present? In public? At home only? When mommy's around? Or when daddy's around? Or all the time? When she's tired? When's she's hungry?
- Has her baby sibling unknowingly and innocently 'inherited' any of her 'stuff', such as blankets, jammies, toys, etc. without her 'permission'?
- What does she throw? Just her toys, or everything she can get a hold of?
- Does / has she endangered herself or others by this behaviour of throwing stuff or hitting people (in which case a quick smack on the bum might be in order as a temporary fix)
I can keep listing, but I think you get the gist of it. etc etc. Now I'm not advocating "no spanking", but I am advocating spanking only as an absolute last resort. Inbetween the verbal correction and spanking are corrective methods.
My disagreement is, many parents uses spanking as a second line of discipline after the verbal correction. But it's actually just a parental substitute for being lazy, undisciplined, and uncaring on our part.
But so you don't think I'm 'copping' out, I'll try to answer as best as how it relates to the OP. But I won't even attempt to address
everything as others with far more wisdom, experience, and insight than me have written volumes on this.
Steve said her 21 month daughter hits and throws things when she gets mad. IMHO, it's a phase which will pass, but musn't be ignored.
- why does she get mad? If the source can be identified, let's fix or alleviate the source, if possible (eg. she can't stand her baby sibling)
- if not possible to fix the source, give her a recourse to vent (it's ok to get mad / upset / angry. To a point.)
- if her anger is legitimate (again, only the parent can answer), there are ways to vent this other than by hitting or throwing. Give her a time limit - "Ok sweetie, you can get mad for the next 5 minutes. You can show your 'angry' face for the next 5 minutes, but no throwing or hitting ok?"
- give her an 'angry' toy or an 'angry' box that she can sit in and pout. Paricipate in her emotion of being angry. Tell her you're going to be just like her for the next 5 minutes - on the same 'team' so to speak. Don't let her just sit there angry unless she asks for it.
- if she's determined to throw things, 'keep' the things she throws (after an explanation of course), particularly if it's her toys.
- if she's determined to hit (and again after an explanation - even if she may not understand), give her her favourite pillow/blanket/ or toy to hit. More often than not, in my experience, they will not want to do that. This will give another opportunity to explain why hitting is undesirable.
- if her anger is not legitimate, after fair and conciliatory verbal warning, tell her to do something that she doesn't particularly like to do, such as nap time, timeout in her high chair, bath time, brush teeth time, etc., unless she stops. This will allow her to weigh her options, and allow her to make her own choice not to get angry (this will be an important basis for the future in that she will know that
she is in control of her emotions).
That's my 'in a nutshell'. Again, to note, variables such as maturity at 21 months, ability or inability to articulate or express, legitimacy of her emotion all need to be considered on a child by child basis.
I hope this helps somewhat.