I finally decided that I would switch to this forum since it seems to have more bearing on my future. And hopefully there will be someone who has been through something simalar.
Short Abridged Timeline...
- 4 months ago wife of 17 years & 3 children says she never loved me and just married me for financial security.
- 3 months ago first big fight. We stop talking.
- 2 months ago Second big fight. Wife (And I) act so strangely I start going to Christian counseling, she refuses to go.
- 1 month ago wife grows colder and colder, she is paranoid of what I tell counselor (she is a childhood abuse survivor. Never had any counseling)
- Two weeks ago wife goes on business trip with me. Says she won't give me affection, intimacy or sex anymore.
Then two days ago. Wife says she likes not having the responsibility of meeting my needs. (Counselor thinks I was "too needy" and it helped run her down. I agree.) Wants to move out. Considered having an affair to break up the marriage but did not because she is considered "one of the guys" in her circle of guy friends and it would ruin it. So... she says she doubts she will ever get counseling. She hasn't had a job in over 10 years fears that she can't financially support herself and is paranoid about it.
She is leaving on a trip for a few weeks and when she gets back she is getting a job. We both decided that some financial independence and self-sufficiency would be good for her. Then we see what happens over the next couple months.
She has stated that she has never trusted anyone. All her friendships tend to be shallow and short lived. I don't believe that she is capable of loving a man like a man. All her loving relationships are as a mother to a child. She even told me that she had viewed our relationship as such a relationship with a sexual twist (If that doesn't make a guy feel wierd, don't know what will). She will not sleep in the same room with me. She gives no affection or intimacy at all and seems to have disconnected herself from me. She says we have no connection even though we have been together for twenty years and have been through a lot of ups and downs together. Her ability to have any sort of empathy for me seems to have dissappeared or has been killed.
I am starting to feel like the high school date who fell in love with the girl who wants him to be a friend (20 years too late). There also seems to be developing a strange relationship that I am like a father figure or friend that is supporting her in her quest to start a career that she didn't 20 years ago. It is very likely that once she gets on her feet she will move out. She has a strange fantasy that she can move out and I will keep the house for the sake of the kids and she can have her old life with the kids and whatever new life she wants. I have pointed out the faulty logic in this but she has brought it back up twice.
My counselor keeps telling me that I need to be a rock in the relationship. That I need to hold steady... And the whole time the situation just keeps getting worse and worse. I love my wife dearly (Way to much I am feeling now) and I find myself slipping into depression more and more. It seems at best my marriage would turn into one of those loveless/sexless ones I have read about. It fills me with a sense of desperation. All the time she seems happier and happier. I am lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep a night and she sleeps like a baby. I seem to be happier the longer I am away from my wife and the things that remind me of the relationship that was. I sleep on a couch so I don't wake up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. I tend to leave the house in the evenings so I don't have to stare at familiar things. I love my kids and spending time with them. However, I am starting to hate spending "family" time with the wife and kids together. When my wife and I are alone somewhere, It is like a knife through my heart when she treats me like some "buddy" friend of her.
My question is... I keep getting the feeling that I just need to get out. This on going relationship is definately causing a lot of damage to me and I am beginning to start to resent and hate my wife. It has been getting worse and worse, not better. I get the definate feeling that my counselor is trying to make sure that the marriage get every opportunity to survive. But, I am feeling that unless my wife were to get some sort of counseling there seems to be no chance at all. Even then I am far from sure that the marriage would have a chance. Is what I am feeling just normal for a dying relationship and I should stick it out or would I actually be better long term if I got out at this point? I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating my wife or ex-wife. And it would be nice if there were something left of me at the end of all this. I just don't know if I am fooling myself that getting out would make any difference at this point.
Thanks...
Short Abridged Timeline...
- 4 months ago wife of 17 years & 3 children says she never loved me and just married me for financial security.
- 3 months ago first big fight. We stop talking.
- 2 months ago Second big fight. Wife (And I) act so strangely I start going to Christian counseling, she refuses to go.
- 1 month ago wife grows colder and colder, she is paranoid of what I tell counselor (she is a childhood abuse survivor. Never had any counseling)
- Two weeks ago wife goes on business trip with me. Says she won't give me affection, intimacy or sex anymore.
Then two days ago. Wife says she likes not having the responsibility of meeting my needs. (Counselor thinks I was "too needy" and it helped run her down. I agree.) Wants to move out. Considered having an affair to break up the marriage but did not because she is considered "one of the guys" in her circle of guy friends and it would ruin it. So... she says she doubts she will ever get counseling. She hasn't had a job in over 10 years fears that she can't financially support herself and is paranoid about it.
She is leaving on a trip for a few weeks and when she gets back she is getting a job. We both decided that some financial independence and self-sufficiency would be good for her. Then we see what happens over the next couple months.
She has stated that she has never trusted anyone. All her friendships tend to be shallow and short lived. I don't believe that she is capable of loving a man like a man. All her loving relationships are as a mother to a child. She even told me that she had viewed our relationship as such a relationship with a sexual twist (If that doesn't make a guy feel wierd, don't know what will). She will not sleep in the same room with me. She gives no affection or intimacy at all and seems to have disconnected herself from me. She says we have no connection even though we have been together for twenty years and have been through a lot of ups and downs together. Her ability to have any sort of empathy for me seems to have dissappeared or has been killed.
I am starting to feel like the high school date who fell in love with the girl who wants him to be a friend (20 years too late). There also seems to be developing a strange relationship that I am like a father figure or friend that is supporting her in her quest to start a career that she didn't 20 years ago. It is very likely that once she gets on her feet she will move out. She has a strange fantasy that she can move out and I will keep the house for the sake of the kids and she can have her old life with the kids and whatever new life she wants. I have pointed out the faulty logic in this but she has brought it back up twice.
My counselor keeps telling me that I need to be a rock in the relationship. That I need to hold steady... And the whole time the situation just keeps getting worse and worse. I love my wife dearly (Way to much I am feeling now) and I find myself slipping into depression more and more. It seems at best my marriage would turn into one of those loveless/sexless ones I have read about. It fills me with a sense of desperation. All the time she seems happier and happier. I am lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep a night and she sleeps like a baby. I seem to be happier the longer I am away from my wife and the things that remind me of the relationship that was. I sleep on a couch so I don't wake up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. I tend to leave the house in the evenings so I don't have to stare at familiar things. I love my kids and spending time with them. However, I am starting to hate spending "family" time with the wife and kids together. When my wife and I are alone somewhere, It is like a knife through my heart when she treats me like some "buddy" friend of her.
My question is... I keep getting the feeling that I just need to get out. This on going relationship is definately causing a lot of damage to me and I am beginning to start to resent and hate my wife. It has been getting worse and worse, not better. I get the definate feeling that my counselor is trying to make sure that the marriage get every opportunity to survive. But, I am feeling that unless my wife were to get some sort of counseling there seems to be no chance at all. Even then I am far from sure that the marriage would have a chance. Is what I am feeling just normal for a dying relationship and I should stick it out or would I actually be better long term if I got out at this point? I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating my wife or ex-wife. And it would be nice if there were something left of me at the end of all this. I just don't know if I am fooling myself that getting out would make any difference at this point.
Thanks...
