When to go on

[Ashyah]

I left my husband after 21 years. This was one year ago.
It was a marriage of no intimacy except for every four years. And in between thta time there was no show of affection at all.
He started sleeping on the floor in the living room after an argument.
Then when we did have some intimacy he said he wasn't sure if he did love me or not. When I confronted him about what he meant he then said I love you with the love of the Lord.
Well, it has been a little over a year since I have been gone. He has never called me about the relationship not even in the beginning.
I have pets still at the house which I go over and feed. I didn't do this for awhile though because he put some roommates int he house right after I left. They were feeding the fish. Well, now they moved out my husband changed locks and handed me a key so that I could go in there when I wanted to feed fish.
He is behind on all the bills.
When I call him for something he may say how are you?But, when my daughter is around he directs his conversation to her . Like when my car needed fixing and he ordered a part for it. We all happened to be in same place and he told her that the part was coming in on a certain day.I didn't argue with him there but, called him later and told him that he was rude. He said he didn't mean to be.
Well, my problem is that the building that I live in only allows a lease of up to two years. I have nine months left.
I have been in prayer all along for my marriage. There is no other woman that I know of. But, have wondered why this man has no interest in me and intimacy.Because now I have to start looking for an apartment all this is now looking permanent. I often wonder do I just wait longer to get apartment? Or do I just go on and get one now?

My question is and I know that no one can really answer it. Do I go on like if I will be alone?Or, do I stay here and wait and see what happens with my marriage.

I am so confused.Please give me your opinion.

 

[Autumnleaf]

What does the Bible say about it? You can choose to do whatever you want. What do you want?

 

[free4all]

My question is and I know that no one can really answer it. Do I go on like if I will be alone?Or, do I stay here and wait and see what happens with my marriage.

I am so confused.Please give me your opinion.

My opinion is worth very little, but it sounds as if you are already alone. If you hang around waiting for him or the relationship to change, and do nothing different, I believe you will be even more disappointed.

I'm not encouraging divorce. You didn't mention in this post if leaving meant moving out or divorcing. But I see very little hope of things improving if you just hang around waiting for him to change.

Sometimes it's better to take action, almost any action, rather than continue tolerating the status quo.

Are you ready to move on with your life?

 

[Ashyah]

I have an apartment.

A couple of weeks ago I talked to him about things. He like always just stood there. I brought up how he had a separate bedroom. He said that the changes that I want are too much for him and that it would make him unhappy.

He also has an older friend that he goes over to every evening. It is a male. He told me that if I returned it would be under his terms and that would be that he would go over to this mans house every evening.

My question is when do I know when it's time to just let go and go . This has to do with what God wants me to do in my marriage.

I have known for a long time that my husband doesn't care or respect me. And, I am alright with that. I cried and suffered about it for many years. But, what does God want me to do?Should I go to the next level move on like a single person or keep in prayer for reconciliation of my marriage?

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

I have known for a long time that my husband doesn't care or respect me.

Do you need any more clarification than this in regards to what to do? He is not your husband if he doesnt care or respect.

 

[Ashyah]

Flan,

I know in my heart what he feels about me. And, I am past the point of hurting like I used to.I still wonder what is wrong with this man why he is like he is. If I knew there was someone else then I could say that is what happened. But, there is no one else. I know that he calls me bossy. But, when he let me make all decisions that hurts.
Today I went to the beach to read my scriptures. It was something. I used to go there read scriptures and cry over my situation. Now, I go read and enjoy the surroundings. Today I started photographing wild life. I am planning to take a course at the local college.

My question still is what does God want me to do?I know that this man if he doesn't change then there may be divorce in the future. I know that he won't ask for it.

I also was thinking today does God want me to stay in a loveless marriage? Why be with a man just to live like family? That is not right.

 

[porterross]

I have an apartment.

A couple of weeks ago I talked to him about things. He like always just stood there. I brought up how he had a separate bedroom. He said that the changes that I want are too much for him and that it would make him unhappy.

He also has an older friend that he goes over to every evening. It is a male. He told me that if I returned it would be under his terms and that would be that he would go over to this mans house every evening.

My question is when do I know when it's time to just let go and go . This has to do with what God wants me to do in my marriage.

I have known for a long time that my husband doesn't care or respect me. And, I am alright with that. I cried and suffered about it for many years. But, what does God want me to do?Should I go to the next level move on like a single person or keep in prayer for reconciliation of my marriage?

You are obviously very torn about this, which is understandable, but if it because you feel obligated because of your vows and Scripture, you have to put into perspective that your husband also took vows and is not behaving as God commands. It is not easy, nonetheless.

I have been where you are and know what you are going through, but you must remember that it takes two people to make a marriage, but only one to destroy it. I beat myself up for years for my failed marriage, even though I was released from it Scripturally. The idea of failure still weighs on us, but you must remember that you are loved and will be held and carried through this in the arms of the Father.

Only you know if your love for your husband can overcome the terms he has given you if the marriage is to continue. Prayer and wrapping yourself in the Word are a good place to start, but you may also want to consider getting away from the situation for a few days if you can. Sometimes a different perspective and something to distract our minds can help things shake out so God's will can be heard.

Please don't allow yourself to get wrapped up in the misery of the situation and what you obviously are putting on yourself as if it is all up to you. Your husband has made his position clear in regard to his place in the marriage, which goes against what Scripture instructs him be as the spiritual leader in the home and protector of his wife as Christ is of the church.


Ephesians 5:22-33 is clear on our roles as husband and wife.

22Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body. 31"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

God fully intends for us as wives to be loved and cherished and to do the same for our husbands in return as we are to be one flesh. Without such mutual love, surely we wither and I don't believe He intends for us to exist without love from the one we are joined to, do you?

You have to be able to allow Him to forgive you for whatever it is you feel you have done. Obviously, the Holy Spirit has moved you to repentance, but you need to let it go and accept the Grace He died to give us.

You are welcome to PM me if you wish. I truly feel for you and sense the pain as some of what I have also experienced. You are not unloved. I hope you realize that.

Happy Birthday!!!!

 

[Ashyah]

Yes, I know that I am loved.
I have my Lord and my children and family.
Most of the time I am ok.
But, I am in transitional housing and have to find a real apartment soon. That is triggering some feelings.I feel that I am finalizing the separation.
You never know what life holds for you.I took his treatment for so long. I became very depressive. I have beat myself up for that and for taking it for so long to the point of just sleeping the day away to not deal with it.

Even though I was a christian.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

When my wife told me she never loved me, we had the option of staying together for the sake of our 4 kids. In the end, it was Corinthians that made me realsie the kids would be even more hurt by a loveless marriage - "without love I am nothing" coupled with "God is love".

Tenuous? Maybe, but real nonetheless. Love is all that matters in this world, the love of God compels us to the most beautiful of acts, lack of love destroys everything.

 

[Ashyah]

It sure does destroy everything.
It destroyed me emotionally. I am so surprised now at how much I can do.
I am able to get up in morning and brush my teeth then go on about my day. I don't sleep the day away anymore. I am not constantly fatigued and feeling so down.
I can sit with people and converse and laugh out loud.When I was with him my greatest wish was to just laugh out loud.

I love the man but, not the person that he is.

I pray that his eyes are opened and that he realizes what has happened.

He is sitting there with rent ,electric and gas all seriously overdue.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It sure does destroy everything.
It destroyed me emotionally. I am so surprised now at how much I can do.
I am able to get up in morning and brush my teeth then go on about my day. I don't sleep the day away anymore. I am not constantly fatigued and feeling so down.
I can sit with people and converse and laugh out loud.When I was with him my greatest wish was to just laugh out loud.

I love the man but, not the person that he is.

I pray that his eyes are opened and that he realizes what has happened.

He is sitting there with rent ,electric and gas all seriously overdue.

You seem much happier without him. This seems to be common around here for people who choose to leave their spouses. Like the feeling of dropping a heavy pack you've carried for far too long. What happened to "He aint heavy. He's my brother."

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

You need to be loved. Yo should only be a martyr for God, not some mere man!

 

[porterross]

I don't think trying to place guilt on her is in any way helpful. He did not live up to vows and she is not going to hell for being divorced.
Our place in Heaven has been paid in full by the blood of our lord and savior, not what we do or don't do as Christians. Not one of us is without sin so none of us deserves salvation. If it were possible to earn it, Jesus died for nothing.
She is repenting as convicted by the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness and what follows is solely between her and God and He does not condemn those who repent and receive forgiveness. This is made clear in both OT and NT:

Jeremiah 31:34

No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, ‘Know the LORD,’ for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.”

John 12:47-48 (the words of Christ)

If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world. The one who rejects me and does not receive my words has a judge; the word that I have spoken will judge him on the last day.

Amen

 

[Ashyah]

I want you to understand that I still love my husband.

But, I was always the one trying to keep the marriage together.Now it is up to him if he approaches me wanting to make it work I will be open to that. I will not initiate it hasn't worked before. One time I left him for six months. He never called me. I just went back home. Just continued as before.

He makes all his decisions with his pastor. What he says goes.He was sitting at an old mans house every evening. This was going on for quiet awhile I thought he was working late.I found out through mutual friends that he was at picnics and cookouts without me. I didn't even know he was there. But, he would take this old man with him.I don't know what his attachment to this man is.

I don't feel I have done anything wrong. I left to escape his treatment. And, hoping that time away would change him. He hasn't changed even after a year. He has never even called me. Not even in the first couple of days that I was gone.

I am not dating or intend to divorce him. Later on if he wants it or if I see that there is no chance of reconciliation then I may get one.For now I am in prayer for my marriage. Asking the Lord to just take me through to the other side. In whatever way he wants me to be.I have faith the God will heal.

 

[dayknee]

You seem much happier without him. This seems to be common around here for people who choose to leave their spouses. Like the feeling of dropping a heavy pack you've carried for far too long. What happened to "He aint heavy. He's my brother."

Sadly your right Autumleaf..alot of us women are happier leaving our spouses..What does that say about our spouses? You seem to imply that most of us are just waking up one day and deciding we dont want to be married anymore..
I know that isnt the choice I made..my spouse made it very clear that his porn was more important than having and intimate realtionship with his wife..
being seperated for close to 5 months now..he STILL has NOT gone to counceling..which, i dont know if i need more hints to tell me he is unwilling to make our marriage work..i struggle daily with doing whats right...every single day..
Most people dont wake up one day and decide its over..its something at the core of the relationship that just continues to rot it away..
your comment is hurtful Autumleaf..not just to the women who posted but to others who KNOW that theyve done everything they can possibly do and have waited and prayed for change and it hasnt happened..some of us...just cant stay

 

[Autumnleaf]

Sadly your right Autumleaf..alot of us women are happier leaving our spouses..What does that say about our spouses? You seem to imply that most of us are just waking up one day and deciding we dont want to be married anymore..
I know that isnt the choice I made..my spouse made it very clear that his porn was more important than having and intimate realtionship with his wife..
being seperated for close to 5 months now..he STILL has NOT gone to counceling..which, i dont know if i need more hints to tell me he is unwilling to make our marriage work..i struggle daily with doing whats right...every single day..
Most people dont wake up one day and decide its over..its something at the core of the relationship that just continues to rot it away..
your comment is hurtful Autumleaf..not just to the women who posted but to others who KNOW that theyve done everything they can possibly do and have waited and prayed for change and it hasnt happened..some of us...just cant stay

So you leave. You leave someone you vowed to be with for better or worse til death. If my comments are hurtful for you do you have any idea how hurtful it must be to your spouse who you made the vow to stick with? It just amazes me how people can abandon their marriages and act slighted when someone suggests its not right for them to do that.

 

[dayknee]

So you leave. You leave someone you vowed to be with for better or worse til death. If my comments are hurtful for you do you have any idea how hurtful it must be to your spouse who you made the vow to stick with? It just amazes me how people can abandon their marriages and act slighted when someone suggests its not right for them to do that.

I didnt leave..HE abandoned the marriage..He did..by being addicted to porn and neglecting his marriage vows TO ME..he lies to ME ...he has been involved in Illegal things and your going to sit here on your self righteous throne and tell me how MY spouse feels about ME abandoning MY marriage vows? From what your saying it seems that being married means NOTHING to you if a person can go ahead and do whatever they want and act like they arent married..and your going to feel bad for the guy who messed it up? <is so hurt by your words> you have NO idea what the h*** your talking about...I must make myself clear again..I DID NOT ABANDON MY MARRIAGE VOWS!!!! MY HUSBAND DID!!!
and unfortunatly he REFUSES to get help..REFUSES...and I will do whatever I have to do so that my children..my 15 year old daughter and my 11 year old son are NOT walking in on their father looking at naked women having sex with ANIMALS!!!
<tears>
<angry at you>
You have ZERO compassion for any WOMAN in a difficult situation..you kind of sound like my husband..he puts himself above women..which is probably why he was calling me for the last 2 days that he had his kids and complained to me about our 15 year old daughter and how he wanted to bring her home becuase she didnt agree with him going to a computer gaming store to sit there for hours on end and listen to the kind of crap that gets said there and the kind of stuff that goes on there..and HE'S mad at HER?!?!
<shakes her head>
My vow was made..i kept it...he didnt...simple..
he has abandoned our marriage with no remorse for his behavior other than the same ol im sorry it wont happen again..I promise
Kind of sounds like the husband who physically abuses his wife and kids..but then
you wouldnt want her to abandone her marriage becuase she made vows..till death do you part..
yeah well likely she will stay and get her butt kicked by him until he DOES kill her..guess thats what you mean by death do us part

 

[Ashyah]

Autumnleaf,

My husband abondoned me first. He just stopped sleeping in the bedroom with me just over an argument having to do with my son. He did this for over a year. When our daughter moved out he just moved into her bedroom. He told me I had to knock on his door to enter.
The last time I asked for grocery money he told me he wasn't giving me___because I didn't deserve it?
Two months after I left he cleaned out the bedroom that I slept in and put a couple from his church in it.All my things were still in the house. These people were using them I complained to him . He said I am going to give the woman newspaper so that she will pack your things. And, that is what they did.These people ended living off of him for eight months. He took them before the church and the church decided that he should give them $1,000 to help them get a place.

When I left my husband didn't even call me for anything!

You say carry him? I carried him long enough. I am

supposed to be the weaker vessel.

I talked to him a couple of weeks ago. He told me that asking for him to sleep in the same bedroom is asking too much of him. And, that the changes that I want him to make will make him unhappy.

I am still willing to talk if he wants. But, that is up to him.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It seems like the men you married aren't the picks of the litter. That said, they are still who you married. You lived with them as married couples until you left the homes.

Its nice and emotive to imply violence where none is mentioned. Painting me with invisible ink like that won't fly.

If your husband is supposed to lead the marriage, maybe if you followed his lead things would be better.

 

[kanga22]

Autumnleaf, there aren't many ppl who rub me the wrong way, but..... I have a few questions for you.

Should I follow the lead of my husband who wants to sleep with other women, and then sleep with me without even washing himself first? How about him wanting to watch me do things, that I don't want to do, with other women for his pleasure? He would also like to marry more women, while still married to me, and move them into my house.

Do you think women should just blindly follow the wishes of their husbands, no matter how outrageous and ungodly?