When to Give Up?

[Note]

I did a post here some time ago (christianforums.com/t7771557) and figured I start a little fresh.

My wife is still trying to finalize the divorce. I have had no lawyer so I had no choice but to sign papers. She has full custody to the kids according to Massachusetts. I am in North Carolina along since February 2012 (I have only seen them once by selling our kitchen table to pay for plane ticket because of poor job situation here). She will not come back to NC until divorce is done. I do not want the divorce. I have been praying and crying and working to improve myself and take more control over my OCD (dirt and germ issues). I have made mistakes in the past thirteen years and I regret them. No infidelity, but how I acted and treated people.

It seems that when I think she would give me one more chance, she goes back to having a closed heart. She is scared and does not want to trust me. I can understand that. She does not want to be with me. She wants to start a new life (meaning I have to see her date other guys, kiss them, and take them in our bed and I wills imply want to die). She does not want to be with me or work with me or want the kids living with me. She thinks the kids will be better off without daddy around all the time. That means, no more me tucking them in at night. No bedtime stories. I can not be there for them when they are sick. Just all the times a father should be with his kids, those rights are being taken away because of divorce. She says she will not keep them from me but the papers need to show she has full custody. However, no matter what, I can not be there with my kids when they need me, or when I want to be with them. I miss there like a human misses air. They miss me and my oldest is too sad to talk to me over the phone because she misses me too much.


Not to give too many more details to get off topic, but I believe God can restore our marriage. That is all I pray for. Now, as I stated she does not want this marriage and regrets marrying me, especially when she was young. Just as she is, I am tired, worn, sad, hurting. However, she has the kids. I have been alone and isolated for a year (friends got their own families and I live too far out for a casual visit at my place).


I am wondering where is God on this. Is He helping me or her? Can not be helping us both. She wants to give it up. I want to look forward and make her and the kids happy and safe. So, do I give up? Do I let her go? Do I accept her sleeping with other guys? Now like I can find another girl. Pointless to try. Do I abandoned having faith God will fix this at the last minute, or keep on fighting for her and be shut down in the end? She believes God is giving her a peace about divorce. I believe she is wrong as I believe the devil is doing what he can to destroy any family that is destined for greatness. Keep fighting until it is over one way or another, or just give up and see my kids few times a week, if I am that lucky? Give up and live the single life while she dates other guys who will never treat her and the kids the way I know God is telling me how to do it now? Have my kids not see me as a good example by having a failed marriage that destroyed their family?


How do I be the man in this? Has anyone given up to make her (or him) happy, making yourself miserable? Has anyone kept the faith and the marriage survived? Has anyone kept the faith but the divorce still happened? I do not know what to do. I hate making her cry because I will not just give into every paper she sends me to sign, but I also do not want to sign them. I could stall and her lawyer will make me the horrible bad guy to lose it all.


What does a guy do who loves his wife deeply, missing his kids, missing the entire family unit in every way, while she wants nothing less than a divorce yesterday?


I just want the Rapture to happen so I do not go through this anymore. I cry alone every day and every night. I am tired of it all.

 

[dovespirit]

im in the same situation , I want a divorce too ;from my husband , I love him but not the way I should because of all the mental abuse I go through and the past issues of alcoholism . from the past he use to beat me he still drinks I look for love in all the wrong places ; the choices I make are sinful and destroying everything ; my dad sexually abused me and beat me when I was 12 to 15 never had a chance to enjoy life the way my years goes ; I really don't know what I want ;im mentally unstable and depressed I don't want to leave my marriage ; but there is nothing their ; I feel so hurt your going through this eventually she will learn whats shes missing like me ; and their is little kids involved its a shame ;I believe god hears us . have you ever asked her why she is leaving ? if you love her and I know you do keep praying and fighting if god wants you two back he will do it ; im the last person to give a person advice but I will try n be here and be here as a friend and support and pray for you ;your never alone there are people who love you and jesus ;who knows maybe we can help each other praise god ; I say separate and wait upon god ,eaiser said then done ; but if you would like a friend im here ;my name is Shirley ill pray for you don't give up ok

 

[Note]

I appreciate your words.

I have asked her and I understand why she wants to give up. I did not always say the right thing, do the right thing, and my OCD affected our kids. I made a commitment and I want to stick with her, but it seems to be killing her that I am not letting her go. I do not want to lose her or my kids because divorce will take time from me from my kids.

I know no one is going to have an answer for me and something I have to figure out myself. I wish I knew what God wanted me to do. I really just need a big break. I rather stay separated and work on things, but she rather divorce and not waste time.

I am tired of crying. Yes, a man can cry. Especially one who inherited his mother's emotions.

I am trying to not give up, but sometimes I feel like I need to give in to make her happy.

 

[ValleyGal]

Note, God sees your heart. He knows you have been committed to making it work.

God would not be God if he did not create us in his image - that is, with the free will to make our own decisions. Your wife has made the free will decision to leave the marriage. This goes against your free will to stay in the marriage. The law allows hers to trump yours, and if you do not sign the divorce papers, a judge can and will sign in the absence of hearing from you. If you contest, he will not sign for you; but if you do not respond one way or the other, the judge will sign for you.

What can you do? When do you give up? Well, you give up when you realize you cannot control your wife. That is, when you realize that you can't change her mind and get her to work on it, that's when you give up trying. But that is when you can do something about other things, like your children. Is she the one who removed them from your state, or did you leave her state? If she left, and you fight for joint custody and visiting rights, your ex will have to pay to have the children travel back and forth to go see you. She will have to allow Skype visits, etc. If she does not abide by this, you can file charges that she violates a court order (provided the judge allows visitation). You should exercise your parental rights so your children will know you never gave up on them.

In the meantime, what can you do? You can grieve. The only way through the pain is in and through the pain. You need to experience the full effect of the pain before you can start to move beyond it. You can't skirt around it, much as we'd all like to. This is another aspect of being made in God's image - emotions include pain and grief. Aside from the given of crying, grief can include deliberate work. You are already doing some of the right things - seeking therapy for your OCD, working hard, maintaining your home, taking a break from church service. I would recommend a couple of things though, like finding a church which hosts the DivorceCare program. Even if it is not your home church, try to find one that you can join. It will help you work through some of these issues around divorce. I might also recommend finding a guy or two that you can be friends with, who will support you through this and also hold you accountable for your personal growth.

Divorce is a very painful process. After all, when two become as one, it's like splitting the one in half again....and that is painful. But I do not want to leave you without hope. There is healing in Christ. Remember that when we join him in his suffering (dying to ourselves; taking up our cross and crucifying the old nature), we will also be raised with him in the resurrection (new creation). What I mean by this is that if you let her go, you are in essence doing the very same thing Jesus did for us - you are allowing her the free will to make her own decision about whether to be in relationship with you. Allowing her free will is dying to your own will to stay married. And it is suffering for Jesus' sake because I honestly do not think Jesus likes the divorce (he allows it but I don't think he likes it). But in a while, the resurrection; that is, the healing, the coming back to "life" as it were, where you will find a measure of joy, peace, and the ability to move on with your life without your wife and even feel okay about it.

 

[Note]

Thank you for your words.

To answer your questions, she left NC to MA in February 2013 to visit family and ended up staying there for months so separation could become legal, then she got a lawyer. I can not afford one. I am jobless, again (20 years too technical to be accepted for teenage wage work apparently). I can not pay rent, let alone a lawyer. I only made it to Mass, once, and that was by selling our kitchen table that was empty with no family using it anymore (and she was not happy about it). I can not even obtain free help. All I can do is sign the papers she has given me so far, that has given her custody with the kids. She plans to move to NC again once divorce is final 100%, but sadly we are going to lose our home because neither one of us individually can pay the rent.

 

[ValleyGal]

It's really hard when you don't have the resources. However, there is the Self Counsel Press. If you want to contest the custody application, I'd go to the courthouse and ask how to contest, what documents you need, etc. Courts are very helpful. You could request joint custody and shared time, and if it's equal, you won't have to pay child support. You should at least try for something so you end up with an equitable divorce and she doesn't take you for everything...kids AND money.

Check into whether your area has a legal aid society that can help with these kinds of issues. You can probably find out through a local community resource agency.

Life really sucks for you right now and you probably feel like you are losing everything - wife, children, job....all the really important things that a man finds his identity in. I'm so sorry you are struggling with all that. But I encourage you to keep your eyes focused on the Lord, praise and worship him in spite of all your troubles. Make sure you have male friends to support you, and a good church community to hold you up in prayer.

 

[dayhiker]

Note ..
I'm torn between saying you lost this round. Stop fighting on after the bell has rung!
Clearly its good that you are seeking God the way you are. God loves you for that.

You are feel to do what you want to do. But I'm guessing your wife is seeing your desperation as more of the same. So she will fight to be away from that.

What I'd say you should do ... I'm guessing here ... you need to let it die. God can't resurrect something till it dies. Even while you are seeing God in a way that you never have in your life before to her you look like the same guy trying to manipulate her in the same you you did when you were married. Only now she see you as being even more self righteous about it because you have God on your side.

If I'm guessing her point of view she wouldn't want to be around you till you have let everything die and can walk up to her as she doesn't know you any more than she knows Joe across town. Yup, she is a human being who is going to go her way and do what you don't want her to do. She will probably do tings just to make you mad. When you get mad at her sleeping with another guy she will say in her mind, yup he still wants to control me. I was right in leaving him.

I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's what I think/imagine is going on. I think you got to die with Christ and start a whole new life. There is life after divorce. I've been involved in Divorce Care for over a year and a half. People are finding a new life, often one the like a whole lot better than the one they left. But at some point they have to let that life go, even as they learn to love the good that was in it and go on to a new life. I pray you make it to your new life.