Hello everyone. I have been married for twelve years and regret every year honestly. I really think that the grass may be greener on the other side. I have been through infidelity issues, financial, emotional abuse, etc..... Progress has been made but I do not know if I can ever be happy with my wife again since the infidelity issues. My wife is very active in our Church yet always has questionable activities. Last night or should I say this morning, my wife got home when I was on the way to work at 5 am! I am no genius but this is not an isolated incident. It happens monthly and she makes excuses about her where abouts if she mentions them at all. I am at my limit now and just feel like God will be upset at me for ending things. Everytime I get ready to leave, something changes to give me hope. I actually paid a lawyer (again) in Jan 2007 but she begged and made honest changes. I gave in and even bought a very expensive home a couple of months ago to get past things that occured while I was deployed several times in the old house. I now wonder if I made a mistake seeing that thigs are not right. I am really confused and tired of the drama. I will not go out and cheat but I miss the companionship and intimacy that a married couple should have. I would rather Divorce than be unfaithful and sin. She will not attend counseling which was one of the contingencies of me taking her back last time. Is there a statute of limitations of infidelity and divorce, lol? Can anyone relate? I see women at Church all the time praying for their husbands to just attend or give their life to Christ yet I believe my wife takes me for granted. There has to be more to life and a marriage than this. Thanks for letting me vent I guess...........God Bless
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When to call it Quits!
- Thread starter Shown Much Mercy
- Start date
Your situation sounds difficult and painful. I wonder why she won't attend counselling if that is what she agreed to?
I don't have answers for you but may I suggest that even if your wife won't attend counselling, that you go yourself anyway. There seems to be many things to work through and it may help bring clarity and insight. I would see getting some good help as imperative here.
I will also add that God is not, and will not, be uspet with you. He loves you and sees you in Jesus. He will not, and does not, condemn any who are in Christ. That is not rhetoric,it is TRUTH. Don't fear God, run to him in truth and safety. Speak your heart and pain to him. Sometimes we can be suprised by what he says.
I pray you will find wisdom, peace and discernment and i pray you will find a wise anbd godly person to give you good counsel.
Blessings in Christ
Hope
I don't have answers for you but may I suggest that even if your wife won't attend counselling, that you go yourself anyway. There seems to be many things to work through and it may help bring clarity and insight. I would see getting some good help as imperative here.
I will also add that God is not, and will not, be uspet with you. He loves you and sees you in Jesus. He will not, and does not, condemn any who are in Christ. That is not rhetoric,it is TRUTH. Don't fear God, run to him in truth and safety. Speak your heart and pain to him. Sometimes we can be suprised by what he says.
I pray you will find wisdom, peace and discernment and i pray you will find a wise anbd godly person to give you good counsel.
Blessings in Christ
Hope
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dayknee
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- Mar 13, 2007
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Im sorry you are going through this..it sounds like my situation..only my husband hasnt had an actual affiar that I know of..but he is/has been addicted to porn..its interfered in our marriage for the last 10 years or so..but I get a little confused if that is being unfaithful too..
What Im saying is..I know how hard it is..i have forgiven and forgiven my husband for many things..lying, porn, illegal business practices..all to have it happen to me again..4 months ago we seperated after a final incident..I often wonder if I would be in the wrong for divorcing too..I am saved..but for some reason i feel that i will feel like a failure forever..I have always wanted the true intimacy and honesty that should be in a marriage..i have worked for it..i have opened the lines with him and asked him if we could work on things..he always says yes..of course..and htat he loves me..just that..he never followed through..and now, he wants one last chance..and I suffer because..i dont want to give it to him..i suffer becuase of guilt..i suffer becuase im afraid of what divorce will do to my children..my heart is aching daily.
I would definately recomend you going to counceling on your own..I do..first time in my whole life Ive ever gone..never in a million years would i have thought i would need to..but..there is alot to gain from it..it helps me to trust myself and to just grow in the lord inspite of whats happening all around me..its hard to do..but I try
Your in my prayers...God Bless You
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Thanks for the replies! I appreciate all of the advice from you all. Please keep it coming!
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Update, I caught my wife coming from another guys house so I got the answers I was looking for. Same drama as a few months ago. At least I know now. I was coming home from work early and caught her this time. I am taking some time today to let it all sink in. I could use a few prayers. Thanks
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I guess I answered my own post, lol. To make matters worst, she won't even act like she is sorry. I feel like that is just salt in the wound. How did all of you get past the emotions and make good rational decisions? I am ready to be single................ I have been down this road too many times now! All I ever hear is "You cannot bring that up since you already forgave me about that". I am also facing deploying soon to Iraq so time is an issue. Thanks for the advice.
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Firstly, forgiveness does not mean ignoring it. If there is a pattern in her behaviour then it needs to be addressed. You mentioned that she is active in the church. Have you taken this to your pastor? I would suggest that you do?
As far as the emotions go, people deal with it so many different ways. I think you do need to experience them, all of them. Anger, sadness, frustration, pain and what ever else you may feel. So feel and express them. Find a safe person to do this with. Someone who will love and understand you but not encourage you to move into bitterness.
Above all, lean on Jesus. What I have learnt in these times is to remember that I am in Christ and that he has fulfilled my humanity and dealt with every thing I will ever need to. So in him I can also do all things. I picture Jesus experiencing the same thing I am and ask him to change me into his image. When Jesus was in physical and emotional pain on the Cross, he trusted his Father and stayed on the Cross until it was finished. He did not seek to find his own relief but trusted the Father. Ask him to comfort you in your pain and to help you trust him with the feelings, and the expression of them until the 'resurrection' comes. He will bring you through this. He is faithful. I can say that from the experience of the pain and betrayal I felt.
I pray that you will know the comfort of the Spirit of Christ and that he will uphold you in his hand. I also pray for your peace and protection as you deploy to Iraq.
Bless you
As far as the emotions go, people deal with it so many different ways. I think you do need to experience them, all of them. Anger, sadness, frustration, pain and what ever else you may feel. So feel and express them. Find a safe person to do this with. Someone who will love and understand you but not encourage you to move into bitterness.
Above all, lean on Jesus. What I have learnt in these times is to remember that I am in Christ and that he has fulfilled my humanity and dealt with every thing I will ever need to. So in him I can also do all things. I picture Jesus experiencing the same thing I am and ask him to change me into his image. When Jesus was in physical and emotional pain on the Cross, he trusted his Father and stayed on the Cross until it was finished. He did not seek to find his own relief but trusted the Father. Ask him to comfort you in your pain and to help you trust him with the feelings, and the expression of them until the 'resurrection' comes. He will bring you through this. He is faithful. I can say that from the experience of the pain and betrayal I felt.
I pray that you will know the comfort of the Spirit of Christ and that he will uphold you in his hand. I also pray for your peace and protection as you deploy to Iraq.
Bless you
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Wow, that was awesome! Thank you for the very kind words. I just got done talking with someone a few minutes ago on the Church issue and addressing the Pastor. I normally meet with him bi-monthly alone for lunch anyway. I am sure that God is going to prepare him before hand. I am going to also step down from some reponsibilities at Church due to the situation at hand. Thanks again.
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I just wanted to update this tread and say that I got the answer. The guy came to the house and everything came out that had been going on over the years. I wrote a more detailed account in a seperate tread if anyone wants to read it. So, to answer my own question............I guess calling it quits may not happen the way we plan. God is still faithful though. Thanks
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your thread is hard to read because it sounds like for you she is unwilling to work it out so yes,enough is enough and I hope you ended this.
when love fades and you can't look into their eyes with joy and excitement,or love their smile or voice it is over.
when love fades and you can't look into their eyes with joy and excitement,or love their smile or voice it is over.
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Adamantium
Well-Known Member
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I think you know what you need to do, so call a lawyer on Monday and get the divorce proceedings started.
You can heal from this and be happy again. I know, because I've been there.
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TexasSky
Senior Veteran
My prayers are with you.
I hope that there are no children involved, but even if there are, just try to make it a civil divorce.
Staying with someone who is constantly hurting you can make you resentful to everything and every one in your life - from children to God Himself.
God will love you, no matter what.
He wants you to have peace in your life, just as you would want your children to have peace in their life.
My prayers and Christian love are with you. It is going to be difficult in the days ahead, whatever you decide.
There is, though, peace at the end of the trail.
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TexasSky
Senior Veteran
P.S.
When she says, "You cannot bring that up," the answer is, "Forgiveness requires repentence and regret. You have not reptented or shown any regret, ergo, you have not been forgiven."
As to getting through the emotions.
Admitting a marriage is over is like burying someone you love. The same stages of grief that you go through with death, are gone through with divorce.
I found that being able to vent to someone, anyone, helped. I had children, so I couldn't vent to them. I vented to online friends instead.
Talk to your base Chaplain. He can probably help you, and frankly, he needs to know.
I clung to a totally hopeless situation for a long, long, long time because I thought it was the Christian thing to do, and it made me angry at God and angry at others I loved who I sort of blamed for my misery in that I was staying for them.
One day, though, during a counseling session he begged for, the counselor, after hearing him admit to most of it, turned to me and said, "I don't want to sound.. negative, but .. why would you want to save this marriage?"
I couldn't think of one good reason. The best I came up with was "the kids", but they were miserable, wanted him out of the house, hated what he was doing to me, and had begged me to divorce him. The second best was, "I don't want to be a failure at my marriage." My pastor said, "If you were faithful, if you gave love as much as you knew how to love, if you did the best you knew how to do. . you did not fail."
From that day on, my focus was not on the pain, or the anger, it was, "How to protect my children from harm."
So, sit back, ask yourself, why would you want to save this marriage? Are you happy enough to save it? Is it finances? You're about to be shipped out, so even if the sex is great, it won't be available?
What are you gaining from the marriage that makes the daily pain worthwhile?
When you work through that, you may find the grief is gone.
When she says, "You cannot bring that up," the answer is, "Forgiveness requires repentence and regret. You have not reptented or shown any regret, ergo, you have not been forgiven."
As to getting through the emotions.
Admitting a marriage is over is like burying someone you love. The same stages of grief that you go through with death, are gone through with divorce.
I found that being able to vent to someone, anyone, helped. I had children, so I couldn't vent to them. I vented to online friends instead.
Talk to your base Chaplain. He can probably help you, and frankly, he needs to know.
I clung to a totally hopeless situation for a long, long, long time because I thought it was the Christian thing to do, and it made me angry at God and angry at others I loved who I sort of blamed for my misery in that I was staying for them.
One day, though, during a counseling session he begged for, the counselor, after hearing him admit to most of it, turned to me and said, "I don't want to sound.. negative, but .. why would you want to save this marriage?"
I couldn't think of one good reason. The best I came up with was "the kids", but they were miserable, wanted him out of the house, hated what he was doing to me, and had begged me to divorce him. The second best was, "I don't want to be a failure at my marriage." My pastor said, "If you were faithful, if you gave love as much as you knew how to love, if you did the best you knew how to do. . you did not fail."
From that day on, my focus was not on the pain, or the anger, it was, "How to protect my children from harm."
So, sit back, ask yourself, why would you want to save this marriage? Are you happy enough to save it? Is it finances? You're about to be shipped out, so even if the sex is great, it won't be available?
What are you gaining from the marriage that makes the daily pain worthwhile?
When you work through that, you may find the grief is gone.
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