When the "right one" comes along...

[HunterJG]

Hi all

Find myself sitting alone at home on New Years day and then remembered that there are thousands out there that are always willing to listen and be a buddy. Not sure if this is being posted in the right thread, but if not, just guide me to the right one...

I have been divorced - and therefore single again - for just over 7 months. If you want you can read some of my previous posts to get the whole story. Long and short is that it was over long before the divorce. I say this because I have found that lots of people seem to find it strange that I feel comfortable moving on so "quickly".

So here's the story...

In the middle of August I decided to venture out again to meet some people as I was isolating myself for a long time. Went to a singles dinner, met up with an old friend and she mailed me about 3 weeks later wanting to know if she could introduce me to a friend. Showed me a picture and I remembered the girl from university. Was very keen and to keep the story short we started seeing each other over the following months. She was divorced just over a year ago.

Things developed very, very quickly. I still think it took us both by surprise. Obviously we both have baggage. I have trust issues and she (I think, so don't quote me ) doesn't understand why her marriage failed after trusting God her enitre life and doing things His way. She says she won't make the same mistake again.

We get along like a house on fire. All aspects of a relationship seems to work well. I know it is to early to tell, but it makes me want to investigate further. We are both sold out to God, we share interests, but differ enough to make it interesting and our personalities seem to just gel. All this leads me to the title of this thread...

A month ago she comes to me and says that she can't continue seeing me, because she likes me to much. Now, I have had a couple of girls in my life give me all sorts of reasons why the don't want to see me anymore, but this was a first. She continued to say that she prayed and fasted over it and God told her "not now". Ever since then we have both been trying to be obedient. She's better at it as I'm a more emotional type of person and she more rational. It still remains very difficult for both of us.

She has decided not to see me anymore and work through her issues with God. She reackons she likes me more than she even liked her ex, knows that I'm not a short-term thing and knows that if she gets involved in a relationship now, it will end in disaster. So, she is going to sort out her issues, but if I hear or see her with other people (guys) I need to know remember she is sociable, but that she won't be looking for another relationship.

I have decided not to intervere. God also told me not to. However, I'm freaking out and I know I am because I have no control over this. Taking my frame of reference into account when you read the story around my divorce will explain why. Trust. It is easier for me to believe that she is going to now date everything in site, than it is to believe she likes me as much as she says she does.

That's the whole story very, very short. I would love to hear from you guys if you had similar experiences, any advice or guidance, or just prayer to help me "deal" with this.

Have an awesome new year!

 

[BouncedBack]

Give her her space and time. She needs time to sort things out and maybe even slow down some. Let her know exactly how you feel and that when/if she is ready that you will be there, then let her go. It may work out, it may not, but you can't force things either way. Just don't dwell on it and keep yourself down. Stay busy and active and try not to think about it all the time.

 

[OhhJim]

It's fine to avoid a relationship with someone because you (she) believe God told you to. It's another thing to avoid someone because she "likes you too much".

This is not the first time I've heard of someone avoiding a man because she liked him too much, so you're not alone, there. I do think, however, that such logic is not normal or rational, and I would avoid someone who used it. You may have gotten off easily.

I have been in a couple of relationships that I thought were awesome at one point, but three months later, realized they weren't awesome at all. It's very (very) common for someone to get into a relationship quickly after a marriage ends. I've done it, and I know several others who have. I don't know if it's a "rebound" relationship or not, but it happens a lot.

How much do you know about why her marriage failed?

 

[HunterJG]

Thanks for the responses guys! I think you'll understand when I say that it is difficult to explain the whole story as it has transpired over the last 3-4 months.

The whole "liking me to much" thing confused me endlessly. However, when I asked her to explain it boils down to this: I'm everything she wants in a man. In my mind this means I fall into the category of men that she "feels comfortable" marrying, but also into the same category as her ex. That would mean that, because of the divorce, she still likes that type of person, but was burnt and doesn't want to go through that again. Her disappointment and disillusionment is what seems to be the problem.

I think she is also doubtful as to whether I'm over my ex. I have made peace with that. She needs to accept that I am. No manner of explaining from my side will convince her any further. Nice thing happened regarding this though... She had a dream that she was talking to my ex at church. She reackons after the dreams she likes me even more, as in the dream they were talking about me and my ex only had good thing to say about me! How weird is that!

Regarding the rebound thing... I never have and never will be the rebound type. Difficult to exlain. I can only say that it is due to the fact that I value relationships and don't get involved "just for fun".

Leaving her be is the right thing. She needs to work through the things that bother her and me hanging around will probably just stuff things up. My "issue" is not being able to let go. I'm afraid she meets someone else, I'm always thinking of reasons to drop by, maybe I should do this, that or the next, etc, etc. I'm anxcious and it drives me nuts!

 

[faithopelove]

I'm going to say what's ringing in my head.

Sometimes people will say things to try to end a relationship without hurting the other person's feelings. I dated a gentleman years ago for several months. Then one day he said something like he was confused and wanted to work out some things with God before he got into a serious relationship. I agreed to give him space. A Few months later a mutual friend of ours got an invitation to his wedding. Needless to say I was hurt, but I think what brothered me the most was that he left me hanging without just telling me the truth.

I'm not saying this is whats happening with you, but I just want you to consider it.

And I do pray that as you delite yourself in God, He will give you the desires of your heart concerning your mate whoever she may be.

 

[HunterJG]

Oh, believe me when I say that that is the only thing I'm thinking about! I was deceived for 3 of the 4 years I was married. Plain lied to, so it is the easiest thing in the world to believe she is saying all these things just to not hurt my feelings while she moves on. The problem is that I believe her to be a woman of integrity. I know this as we have a numer of common friends and as mentioned before she is sold out to God and has some very specific values. Although I can't guarrantee it, I'm pretty sure that if she were not interested in me she would rather say so than play games. Taking that into consideration I would like to giver her the benefit of the doubt. This is difficult though as I do recognise the risk. I have to make a choich here. Either I take her word and accept that God has things He needs to work out with her and I need to apply patience, or I believe she is a psycho with no heart just saying stuff floundering from one guy to the next. By the why, I was bold/stupid enough to make this comment to her... I'm still recovering!

 

[Gregged]

Hi

Either I take her word and accept that God has things He needs to work out with her and I need to apply patience,

You said that God has said to you too not to interfere, right? Now it doesn't look to me like God only has things He needs to work out with her!!! I know you've said trusting again is an issue, as it usually is after a relationship breakup. But if you see this woman as your wife in the future, you have to take her at her word! It won't be very happy if you can't trust her - or if you are super-protective over her, especially as she is more of social person than you. That could cause some big problems. So I think that God will be working on you too, but particularly in.....

I have decided not to intervere. God also told me not to. However, I'm freaking out and I know I am because I have no control over this.

.....trusting God Himself. You can't be saying that you have decided not to interfere and God has told you not to too, but also say that you are freaking out because you have no control over this! Where's the trust either in her, or in God in that?

Anyway, you both need some time and as Bounced said, it may or may not happen in the future. Not something anyone wants to hear, but as faithopelove said, this is now time for you to delight yourself in the Lord. Get into the Word, pray, praise! Look to Him, trust Him to direct you, not on your own understanding. Be still, and know that He is God. He will keep you in perfect peace if your mind is on Him. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God.

All those are great Bible verses. They probably aren't what you want to hear right now... You just want this wonderful lady! But you both need time, and more of God

Hope I didn't sound harsh... I didn't mean to

 

[HunterJG]

Thanks for the input Gregged. Agree with you completely. Part of my frustration is due to the fact that I know I have things I need to work out with God as well. Though I had it covered but apparently not!!

But that aside. I know what to do. I just need to do it. Everyday I force myself to look at this the way you describe it and slowly but surely I'm getting there. I have to leave the whole thing is God's hands again a number of times a day, but rather that than trying to do things myself. It's difficult, but I know it is the right thing to do.

I spoke to her last night. She was studing and just wanted to chat. Long story short: she misses me! The difficult thing though is she told me she is seeing someone else at the moment. Now get this: she's doing it because it is the only way she can stay away from me and to ensure that she follows through on the restoration she has to undergo. No feelings for him, just to keep away from me. I didn't say much, other than we all probably do things our own way. Chicks are weird!!

Anyway, we are both in good hands and things will work out the way God intends it. Thanks for caring and all the input.

 

[Gregged]

Hi Hunter...

I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do. I agree it is very difficult, but something we must, especially if we are seeking God's will for our lives.

You asked me "get this". Well, I tried... but I didn't! So she called and told you she missed you? Well, it's always nice to be told that you're missed. We all want that, and to know that we mean something to someone else in that special way.

As for her seeing someone else... don't get it at all. Now I'm a guy so it may be that a lady comes along and replies that this is perfectly normal and ok, and I wouldn't dare to say that God doesn't work on some people in different and certainly mysterious ways! But to me, it doesn't sound good. Surely if she is working through her restoration and seeking God, she should be doing that with God! Why can't she have another "girl"friend to spend time with if she needs someone around her? It's not what you want to hear, but doesn't sound great to me. Obviously I don't know her and you said she would be honest with you, so I have to go with that, but it sounds a little like what faithopelove said - and remember that "love is blind" too.

And can I ask... who called who, or who went to who?

Anyway, we are both in good hands and things will work out the way God intends it

Yes, you are both in good hands, if you are trusting God and really leaving it with Him!

The last thing is - if this really does work out the way God intends, and it is not God's will for this to happen, then how will your relationship with God stand? Will you be offended and upset with God? Or if it does work, does God have time in your relationship schedule? Just asking

As I said above, love can be blind and our hopes for relationship etc can cover over many faults etc. God can often be telling us just in "our own" alarm bells / questions / doubts etc. But we often choose to ignore those or reason them away because we want something so much.

Anyway, I'm not saying this is your situation. I'm not God (thankfully!). But God does know who is right for you and so it's up to you to seek Him. If the answer is "Yes," then that's wonderful! But if the answer is "No", you need to trust God that He has something different planned for your life, and it's your choice to follow Him.

 

[HunterJG]

Hi there

I answer to the two questions you asked gregged. I will not exclude God from my relationships again. I learned a hard lesson, but luckily I'm a quick learner! God changed my life over the last 18 months I will always be thankful for that even if I forget sometimes!

On the question of who contacts whom... Since she has told me she likes me to much to be with me I have contacted her once and that was a quick sms on Christmas. Other than that she is the one contacting me. I only respond.

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I'm more than aware of the fact that she could be playing me. To aware and this is what is clouding my judgement. You are so right when you say that love is blind and also that none of you guys know her. Goodness, I don't even know if I know her!!!:o Benefit of the doubt vs. just another woman that is ripping my heart out of my chest!

I regularly find myself on the verge of phoning her to tell her I think she is fooling around, but a number of things stop me. 1.) We never really started anything serious, so I have no say in her life. 2.) I really believe God told me not to interfere. 3.) Dignity. 4.) Even if I ask her, I would still not believe her. She told me again on Friday evening that I'm the only one she thinks and talks about. Actions and words don't add up to me and to most people it would seem. Point is, talking to her won't clarify anything. Back to the choice: Believe she is truthfull and that she just does things in a weird way, or believe the is just playing me.

I've just read a book called "how to stop the pain" by James B. Richardson. One of the key things in this book for me was that I can't judge why people are doing things. By doing that I cause my own pain and discomfort without ever really knowing what the truth is. Also, that I can't fix people and that all of us have our own walk with God that we have to walk and I can't interfere in that.

This is the type of thing that has led me to just do nothing and just try and focus on what God wants to do in my life. Remains difficult. Wish I had someone to talk to that really knows her, but even if I did, that would still be interfering. So, I try and remain sane and wait to see what God has in store.

 

[Gregged]

Hi Hunted...

Thanks for answering those questions. I read your thread (your posts at least) on your divorce... what a ride it was.

Now I have to remain neutral really coz like Proverbs tells us Proverbs 18:17 says that there's always two sides to the story... Having said that I have no reason at all to not believe you.

I'm sure you made the right choice. You couldn't have been kept hanging around endlessly while she decides where she's going to be, who with etc. How could you live like that? As sad as it sounds, if she really wanted to get back etc she would have quit her job in an instant when you asked her - and no, it wasn't unreasonable.

Can I ask you if you ever think there could be reconciliation. But being honest - would you want that now? What do you think of the word that guy gave you when you went to visit him? And your thoughts of how you could have marriage ministry? Are these real things you can still see, or want?

I'm sorry my friend. I'm not speaking from a marriage relationship, but a relationship which didn't last - and no, it's not easy - should I call etc etc. I think I know a little of how you must be feeling. And yes, it is difficult trusting and understanding what God is doing at times too. We just know we have to trust Him, that He has our best at heart when we put our mind on Him. Let go and let God.

Brotherly hugs!

God bless

 

[HunterJG]

I have been thinking about all these things a lot lately for a number of reasons, but mostly because I feel marriage is something sacred before God and also because my ex contacts me every now and then to tell me she is working on herself. You can hear she is hoping things might work out again. I'm happy she is being healed, or at least that is the impression you get when you talk to her. From other sources the situation seems different and by that I mean things are changing for the good, but much slower and with more resistance than according to her. Restoration? I doubt it. After all that happen you look at someone in a different way and changing that will take a very long time and in my mind I don't have that time if I want a family. (Funny how I feel like a dog everytime I say that.) Only God knows the answer to that.

As for marriage ministry. I'm convinced I have learned enough to be of use to a lot of people. I just need to do it. Regarding the word I got, (I assume the one saying my marriage will be restored) I have learnt that one can't base your life on prophesy. It is there to encourage and comfort you and I will always keep this word in my mind, if God does decide to restore the marriage. I received aonther word early in December saying that God will give me a wife that will worship Him in spirit and in truth. I will hold on to this word as well.

Funny how this conversation has changed. Funny, because yesterday God spoke to me very clearly about my current frustration. I have been discussing my situation with a couple of people. In my mind just to talk, hear opinions and just to each the pressure. Just letting it all out!!! Yesterday God told me very clearly "you have got to stop talking about this now!" I felt great peace about it at that point, but now that I have to apply it, it feels like my head is going to burst open and spill the last bit of grey matter I have left! But I will obey, as difficult as it might be. There is blessing in obedience! It's like knowing this big secret and not being able to talk about it! This is probably the only way God will get me to focus just on Him and not on the issues in my life. This is going to be very difficult. The Bible says there is safety in council, but it seems that door has been closed for now. This is where your prayers will come in handy!!!

There you have it! A lenghty response saying nothing about what it is suppose to be about! How about that! Must be a first!