Is anyone else here committed to staying married, even though their spouse no longer loves them? How do you cope with the thought of living for the rest of your life being unloved? Does anyone here have any words of encouragement or suggestions? Sometimes the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is really discouraging.
A lot of what we think of as 'love' and being 'in love' is cultural. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives. When we think of that in the context of marriage, the way we were raised with influences like Disney movies, TV shows, and the way people talk about the topic influence the way we interpret those words.
I recently watched
Fiddler on the Roof. The story deals with a number of topics. One was that of young people deciding who to marry rather than it being arranged by the father. The main character and his wife had had an arranged marriage. After he let a couple of his daughters marry for love, he asked his wife (it was a musical so they sang) if she loved him.
Something that struck me about this is that people from those cultures didn't think of the existence of the marriage being based on whether they were in love. There are still couples like that.
I might get annoyed with my wife from time to time, but to me, that doesn't mean I don't love her. Even if I feel a little annoyed by something, and my emotion is one of annoyance, I don't think of my love for her as a temporary emotion. There are lots of good times where I experience the 'good feelings' for her. I don't think of it as being in love only when I experience feelings of longing or enjoyment. Maybe your husband thinks that way.
It is a good and healthy thing to have a marriage where you do have those good strong feelings for each other, at least of the time. But if you go through a dry spell, it's not the end of the world.
I've never told my wife I didn't love her. I also think as a man, I probably don't feel a lot of emotions as strongly as she does, or I am not in contact with my feelings in a way where I can identify and articulate them. (I think psychological research supports this idea as a difference between men and women, also.) I can remember occasions where my wife has said she didn't have those kinds of feelings for me. Of course, I didn't like to hear that. But once I understood how things worked, it didn't bother me as bad. I think she's told me that a couple of times. I realize it's usually associated with hormones and moods. She's felt things like that during pregnancy, during post-partum blues, or during whopper PMS times like when she was just coming off of weaning the baby and major hormonal changes were happening. But later, she was telling me how much she loved me. She was in here seeking a long passionate kiss a few minutes ago. We were just talking, a week or two ago, about how our marriage seemed to be getting better and better. I was telling her how she seemed to be improving more and more over time as a wife, and pointed out specific things I appreciated about her in our relationship.
Men also can experience emotional changes. Maybe on average they aren't as obvious or pronounced. But what I'm saying is if your husband doesn't feel strong feelings toward you now, that doesn't mean you are stuck in that situation for the rest of your life. Something may happen that changes his emotional state. If he wants to have a better marriage, you can also spend time working on the marriage. If he invests more, he may feel more.
If he's committed to staying with you for the rest of his life in spite of his feelings, you are in a safer place in your relationship than if he is the type to think that if the love is gone, the couple should split up and each pursue an emotional high elsewhere. There may be some things you can do to spice things up.
If you know he has certain emotional needs, meeting them can help. A few months ago, my wife greeted me at the door and just seemed so happy to see me. She started kissing me. I really enjoyed that. Then I realized if I enjoy that, she probably enjoys that, too. When I come home from work I can show a little passion and excitement for her first.
You can give your husband long kisses, tell him how good looking he is, flirt with him, listen to him, compliment him, etc. It helps to think of a list of things you honestly and sincerely appreciate about him, and then tell him things like that to encourage him. I mean encourage and express genuine appreciation, rather than flattery. Also, thinking of things like this is good because it helps you think of your husband in a more positive light if it's usually easier just to notice the negative things.
I read about a wife who gave her husband a gift for his birthday, an offer of sex every night for the year that followed. I think you need to make adjustments for changes in a woman's body on a monthly basis, btw. but nights in a row can be a real treat if he is the type who would really enjoy and appreciate that of thing, even without the one-year commitment. One of her observations is that it did make them a lot closer. At least on a hormonal, biological level, increasing activity in this area could kick start some feelings on a physical, hormonal, and emotional level. He'd also think of his wife as a passionate lover. If he isn't interested in this sort of thing, then this approach may not be that effective.
On the spiritual side of things, praying together regularly, including prayer about this topic, to renew the feelings of love between you, can be very helpful. Studying the Bible is also good. It is good to include God in your marriage and invite him to work on your relationship by praying directly about it.
I mentioned your listing out things to appreciate about him. You could suggest you both intentionally do that. He could think of things he appreciates about you, too, and tell you on a daily basis. Thinking about it and saying it, expressing appreciation, may also effect the way he thinks and feels about you in a good way.
