When It's Not About Sex

[SnowyMacie]

I've posted talked about this in the Men's Section a couple of times with no good answers, so I thought I'd also post here as well....

I was in therapy for porn addicition for several years, and during the course, my therapist had me do is to journal my thoughts and feelings before doing this, and then go through the deed. The most common words were "lonely" and "bored". At one time, I thought it was about the high I got from [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], but I really felt, for lack of a better word, satisfied regardless.

Furthermore, my fantasies, more or less, revolve more around love than sex. I don't always picture myself having sex with someone. Whenever I've been dating someone, the urge goes away entirely. It's not even a thought, it goes from 100 to 0. Even if I'm not dating anyone, it's easier to say no. I wonder if partially it's because I didn't start down the road until I was 17, and at that point, I knew it was fake and still know it's fake and unrealistic. My longest relationship was off and on for nine months, and nothing ever resurfaced. I could always tell when I'm watching too porn, and then I have to back and go "stop, you've watched too much" and then the effects fade away. I can easily say no if I'm too tired, occupied, or simply just do not want to.

I say all of that to say, while sex is probably part of it, my real issue is lack of physical touch/companionship need/desire being met. I've asked my therapists, other parts of this forum, and even friends about how I can get this desire met, while not in a relationship, in a much healthier way. None of them had an answer. Honestly there's a big part of me that "you don't need to, it doesn't affect you in any way, just look what happens when you are in a relationship. What else would you do anyway?" Do any of you guys have advice or anything?

 

[DMMullinax]

Interesting that you didn't start until you were 17. I didn't have issues with it until then either, which is late compared to most. I've found the same to be true about the desire for affection more than sex. The porn I do struggle with has never been graphic videos or the really screwed up stuff that I hear that some guys deal with. It's mostly pictures of models that pose for adult magazines, and I revisit the same ones over and over. So afterwards I wonder "in some subconscious way is this my substitute for a relationship?" The revisiting almost denotes a loyalty. It's still obviously sinful because I'm objectifying them, but after a time I develop a sense of caring for the person. The realization is very sad because I'm trying to act on a perfectly natural desire for female affection, but I can't help but default to the sinful substitutes.
I dated a girl in late high school, and like you said, I lost all desire to look at that stuff when I was with her.

As far as what to do about it? I don't know if there's an easy answer, man. I've asked myself that a lot the past couple of years, and whatever alternatives I end up with still seem wrong. I feel in my gut the only way is to wait for that satisfaction in the context of marriage one day. This may just be one of those areas we have to suffer through as a consequence of the Fall. A personal sacrifice for choosing Jesus. You can maybe look to closer relationships to friends to better know you, but the physical affection may just have to wait. But as with anything, I believe G-d can use it to fashion us into patient and self-disciplined men. Easier said than done, but out generation needs that type of man. And G-d is able. I hope that helps in some capacity. Know you're not alone, Brother. We're all caught in our warring natures.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Interesting that you didn't start until you were 17. I didn't have issues with it until then either, which is late compared to most. I've found the same to be true about the desire for affection more than sex. The porn I do struggle with has never been graphic videos or the really screwed up stuff that I hear that some guys deal with. It's mostly pictures of models that pose for adult magazines, and I revisit the same ones over and over. So afterwards I wonder "in some subconscious way is this my substitute for a relationship?" The revisiting almost denotes a loyalty. It's still obviously sinful because I'm objectifying them, but after a time I develop a sense of caring for the person. The realization is very sad because I'm trying to act on a perfectly natural desire for female affection, but I can't help but default to the sinful substitutes.
I dated a girl in late high school, and like you said, I lost all desire to look at that stuff when I was with her.

As far as what to do about it? I don't know if there's an easy answer, man. I've asked myself that a lot the past couple of years, and whatever alternatives I end up with still seem wrong. I feel in my gut the only way is to wait for that satisfaction in the context of marriage one day. This may just be one of those areas we have to suffer through as a consequence of the Fall. A personal sacrifice for choosing Jesus. You can maybe look to closer relationships to friends to better know you, but the physical affection may just have to wait. But as with anything, I believe G-d can use it to fashion us into patient and self-disciplined men. Easier said than done, but out generation needs that type of man. And G-d is able. I hope that helps in some capacity. Know you're not alone, Brother. We're all caught in our warring natures.

Thanks for understanding, really. When I posted this in the Men's area, I seemed to reach nobody that understood what I was talking about, and I got nothing of any substance.

 

[axydavid]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html
This article might be your answer man, I'll pray for you.
I actually posted it in another thread but I find that it's really relevant here too.

 

[SnowyMacie]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html
This article might be your answer man, I'll pray for you.
I actually posted it in another thread but I find that it's really relevant here too.

I heard about that article the other day actually. I did read it, and it's definitely an interesting hypothesis about how drugs and the like can be result of social circumstances. I'm not sure I'd go as far as saying the chemicals have nothing to do with it at all, he oversimplifies the difference between medical heroin and street heroin, the small difference is actually a massive difference and misconstrues the "it's the chemicals" arguments. It's not the chemicals in the drug themselves, it's the chemicals in your brain that you get addicted to. There's a saying "the dose makes the poison". It's still a very interesting hypothesis, and I'd like to see more research on it. I think it brings up a great piece of the puzzle on drug addiction, but I don't think I'd go as far as the author is claiming in his blog that this is the answer.

 

[Johnnz]

Scripture states "It is not good for man to be alone." We are hard wired fro relationship, which is why porn fades into the background when you are in one. Real sex is about intimacy and relationship not just physical release and pleasure. Porn can never meet those aspects.

John
NZ