When is it realistic...

[LadyGenteel]

... to ask and 18 yr old to move on her own? What
issues warrant the teen leaving?

Has anyone had to do this? Did it help the child?

Could use a few answers

 

[RebeccatheGreat]

If she is 18 and you are ready for her to move out,for whatever reason then that is what should happen if she is capable of living on her own.you need not feel guilty,just always be there if she needs you.
if she is not wanting to live by your rules or something,then yes I say help her to move on.

 

[LadyGenteel]

If she is 18 and you are ready for her to move out,for whatever reason then that is what should happen if she is capable of living on her own.you need not feel guilty,just always be there if she needs you.
if she is not wanting to live by your rules or something,then yes I say help her to move on.

Thank you Rebecca. The bolded section of your quote is the issue.
She's in her senior year of high school, so it would be a challenge...
but I think she could do it.

I'd rather help her into her life, than have her leave in a fit of rage in
total hatred of me.

 

[sageoffools]

Thank you Rebecca. The bolded section of your quote is the issue.
She's in her senior year of high school, so it would be a challenge...
but I think she could do it.

I'd rather help her into her life, than have her leave in a fit of rage in
total hatred of me.

Hi Genteel, I am not technically the parent of a teen, so I hope you don't mind me throwing my advice in anyway.
Rather than just asking her to leave, I would give her an ultimatum.

This is what we told my teenage sister-in-law when she came to live with us:
"You are technically an adult, and therefore technically capable of living on your own, however, you are not living on your own right now. This is our house and we are responsible for you as long as you live here. So we expect you to abide by our rules. We are not forcing you to stay here, although we want you to stay, you are free to leave at any time. Finally, we want to help you as you make your transition into adulthood, and so we will allow you to make your own decisions, however, those decisions must be made within the confines of the rules that we establish, if you cannot do that you cannot stay."

That's the short version, hopefully it helps!

 

[overit]

I'm not a teen parent (yet-soon enough hehe)...but I'd say to wait till her senior year is over. I honestly don't think most 18yrs olds have the maturity to be on their own. I say this time is just as good for BOTH of you in learning how to let go and let God. She is testing her new found independence and feels resentful of rules...on the other hand she won't have "rules" when she moves out and it's good for parents to start using less control and allowing a "safe" place for their daughter-even IF they aren't making the best choices.

I've never understood the my roof, my rules policy for older teens, nearly adults. I'd rather them have a safe place with me while letting them spread their wings and let up on my reigns a bit. That said, I'm not sure what the situation is w/her.

 

[captiveheart]

I'm not a teen parent (yet-soon enough hehe)...but I'd say to wait till her senior year is over. I honestly don't think most 18yrs olds have the maturity to be on their own. I say this time is just as good for BOTH of you in learning how to let go and let God. She is testing her new found independence and feels resentful of rules...on the other hand she won't have "rules" when she moves out and it's good for parents to start using less control and allowing a "safe" place for their daughter-even IF they aren't making the best choices.

I've never understood the my roof, my rules policy for older teens, nearly adults. I'd rather them have a safe place with me while letting them spread their wings and let up on my reigns a bit. That said, I'm not sure what the situation is w/her.

You have rules now and if the day comes and your teen declares they are going to continue to live at home and no longer abide by those rules, well, one of you is going to set the rules. Who will it be?

I agree that it is best to give them a safe place while preparing them for adulthood and help them take wing. Every kid is different though and some take flight right away and others want to stay in the nest for a while. Staying is fine but they certainly can't expect to live at home while they party all night and sleep all day. At some point, if they are not making progress toward flight, pressure will need to be applied.

 

[LadyGenteel]

I appreciate the input this thread has provided... and I've taken to
heart.

Since the last post, I gave my daughter the ultimatum of abiding by
my rules in my home... or leaving. She chose to leave. I have
access to her school performance online and she's not attending
regularly. I've contacted the school so they know what's going on,
and they are doing all they can to help the situation, in a disciplinary
manner. She IS doing well holding down two jobs to pay for life on
her own.

I've left the door wide open for her to return, but she understands
it will be by MY rules that she lives in my home. We are still on
speaking terms, and she's in contact alot.

God also has supplied people who have been through this, and can
feed into my life as well.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I appreciate the input this thread has provided... and I've taken to
heart.

Since the last post, I gave my daughter the ultimatum of abiding by
my rules in my home... or leaving. She chose to leave. I have
access to her school performance online and she's not attending
regularly. I've contacted the school so they know what's going on,
and they are doing all they can to help the situation, in a disciplinary
manner. She IS doing well holding down two jobs to pay for life on
her own.

I've left the door wide open for her to return, but she understands
it will be by MY rules that she lives in my home. We are still on
speaking terms, and she's in contact alot.

God also has supplied people who have been through this, and can
feed into my life as well.

If she won't do school you can not make her. She will work crummy jobs until she wisens up or she gets old doing it. Its hard to watch but you can't make her decisions for her.

 

[Stotheara]

It is really difficult to "launch" your child. I'm learning that right now, under different circumstances. I think the thing we all have to remember is that we are not owners of our children - God is. What we do is try to prepare them for adulthood. After all, we are in charge of them (so to speak) for such a small period of their life - the rest of it is where they make their own decisions. We can still be touchstones and guideposts for them, but ultimately, we have no legal council over them. So we hope that we prepare them well, and pray that they will make good choices.

That said, if any adult were living under your roof, they should be following the rules of the house. That's part of being an adult. You are right - if she finds things too difficult on her own, she will more than likely come back. Stick to your guns and make sure you go over the rules with her if she is to return. Simple rules of respect and responsibility are not that much to ask for. And it will guide her in the path of living by those same principals when she finally does branch out on her own.

Hon, I'm with you.

 

[homeofmew]

Depending on the person 18 may be too early, however some teens can handle it.
But will they just goof off in their dorm and college be a waste of money the first year?
These are things to think about.

How Mature are they as their parent you should be able to know these things about YOUR Child.