When is a relationship too long?

[Sarah1985]

Hi

I have been going out with my boyfriend for three years and would love to get married.

I am regularly asked when we are going to get engaged by people at church and some people have voiced the view that if one person is not wanting to get married after 2 years, then they have had had enough time to make up their minds and are not marriage material. Although I know that not everyone always speaks wisely, it is hard not to take their words to heart.

I have tried to speak to my bfriend about wanting to get married but he states that I will have to trust him and refuses to discuss it any further.

Should I be patient or should alarm bells be ringing?

Thanks.

Sarah

 

[visionary]

Men are instant decisioners..the minute they see "the one" they jump on it...aka in this case they propose marriage. If the man is putting off marriage, then the relationship is conveniently enough as is in their own eyes...the way it is.. and they will continue to ask you not to rock the boat..

 

[Sarah1985]

What do you mean when you say "the minute they see the one they jump on it"? In your view how long is too long?

Thanks

 

[visionary]

Leave him... leave a note.. wish him well.. tell him you love him and will always remember your time together fondly... but obviously it is time to move on into a deeper relationship... then go somewhere [where you can be found]...

Let him consider living without you... your importance in his life will come forth.

As to the instant "the one"... Men see, they want, they go get it..

This is probably the biggest reasons for waiting for marriage before relationship... Keep the head thinking in control of the facilities... Keeps the emotion and physical stimuli overload
out of the picture til later.

You are caught up in the emotional and physical stimuli overloads that govern the relationship. Space between you will provide both of you the breathing room to think seriously about the relationship in all other aspects. Gives you both the time and space to be true to yourselves...

May it all work out for the best...

 

[Sarah1985]

Thanks for your help. I think I will need some more time to pray about this before making any decision. I just feel really disappointed at the prospect that we could date for so long but he doesn't want to get married yet. I just don't understand why he would continue to go out with me if he had no intentions of marriage; we are both Christians and are dating in the Christian sense (if that makes sense).

 

[visionary]

It might have been his intentions all along to have companionship for the fellowship and has found great comfort in yours... for which he is at a happy medium in the relationship. .. Serious commitment from him means putting forth something that he has not looked your way and thought seriously about...

By leaving.. kindly and thoughtfully.. you are going to get one of two reactions... he is going to either realize just how much emotions he really does have in the relationship.. as it is now being tested... or he is not.. and then you will know by his lack of concern for the new turn the relationship has taken... if he over reacts and demands to go back to the comfort zone... that is just plain selfishness talking.

 

[toprhi]

I don't understand why the two of you can't discuss it. Maybe he just isn't ready? Or he feels there are certain things he would like to happen before the two of you got married? ex. be financially stable etc.

 

[Windmill]

Hi

I have been going out with my boyfriend for three years and would love to get married.

I am regularly asked when we are going to get engaged by people at church and some people have voiced the view that if one person is not wanting to get married after 2 years, then they have had had enough time to make up their minds and are not marriage material. Although I know that not everyone always speaks wisely, it is hard not to take their words to heart.

I have tried to speak to my bfriend about wanting to get married but he states that I will have to trust him and refuses to discuss it any further.

Should I be patient or should alarm bells be ringing?

Thanks.

Sarah

Like with all things, it only becomes too long if someone is being harmed or hurt in some way.

If you want to get married, and this is your concern, and you feel like you've waited too long, then get out. If you are not being hurt, then stay in it. It is like asking, how many apples are too many apples. Well, it all depends on how many it takes to make you sick.

What I think is bad is that you do not have open communication going. 3 years in, you should be able to say, "I want to get married, and I want to know why you haven't asked me yet. Do you see yourself marrying me at all? Why haven't you asked me yet?" You should have absolute open communication with each other, and your relationship will need that for a successful marriage.

 

[Windmill]

Men are instant decisioners..the minute they see "the one" they jump on it...aka in this case they propose marriage. If the man is putting off marriage, then the relationship is conveniently enough as is in their own eyes...the way it is.. and they will continue to ask you not to rock the boat..

I will have to sincerely disagree with this.

Sarah, people are not able to be put into boxes. Men are not "instant decisioners". Men have male "body parts". Thats it. Outside of that, do not see your boyfriend as a "man". See him as a "person". He is a person. Some people, including girls, are instant decisioners. Some people, including guys, are more indecisive and are afraid of making decisions which will have life-long consequences. Not just life-long consequences for him, but for you too.

Marriage is not something to jump into. Consider the life-long consequences if something goes wrong. Especially when you hold Christian standards pertaining to divorce. Thats a lot of pressure to do it right.

Not only this, but lets just pretend for a moment he is this "instant decision maker". Well, if he is, perhaps he has decided to marry you, but now is not the right time, he feels. Perhaps his financial situation is tight. His family has pressured him to have a "nice" wedding. He doesn't want to disappoint. Perhaps he feels embarassed that he can't provide you with much right now, perhaps he is working towards that, or working towards other things, to "prepare" himself for marriage.

But, Sarah, you should know him well enough to know if he is an "instant decision maker" or not. You should not rely on things like "guys are X" and "guys are X" to guide you. 3 years in, you should know him very well, he should be your best friend, you should have open communication. You should understand him and, if you don't understand some aspects, talk about them with him. You should not view him as a male and therefore an instant decision maker.

That is a sterotype. I myself fit almost no girl sterotypes. Its not like I try to not, I just don't, I naturally don't fit any, its just not my personality. Your boyfriend probably doesn't fit them either. If he does, then its not because the sterotypes are true, it was just coincidence.

But, for all of this, if it is harming you, you need to get out. What is more important for you? Being with him, or being married? Do you think anyone could replace him? Are you willing to find out? Do you think he is using you? These are the questions you need to ask yourself, and to ask him.

If you don't have open communication, if you aren't each others best friends, if you can't talk about this together, you aren't ready to get married anyway.​

 

[Wormie]

if you can't talk about this together, you aren't ready to get married anyway.

Quoted for truth!

 

[gzt]

Don't pay too much attention to stereotypes, they're often also how we want men to behave. Perhaps it even is, to some extent, how they ought to behave to be men.

I would say, yes, that is quite a long time to be dating without murmurings of marriage, especially if I divine correctly from your screen name that you're about 25 years old. Marriage is a scary thing and some boys avoid it because they don't want to become men just yet. I can't say that's what he's up to. But here's what I'll say:

1. The point of dating is marriage, and you seem to believe that.
2. If this doesn't pan out into a marriage, you've been wasting prime mate-finding years on this person as well as wasting a lot of emotional and romantic capital.
3. This is an asymmetric situation, because men don't have biological clocks and society doesn't, on average, mind men dating younger. Most men don't realize consciously that it's asymmetric.
4. A man really needs to be able to discuss this marriage.

You can disagree with as much of that as you'd like.

 

[latteda]

What I think is bad is that you do not have open communication going. 3 years in, you should be able to say, "I want to get married, and I want to know why you haven't asked me yet. Do you see yourself marrying me at all? Why haven't you asked me yet?" You should have absolute open communication with each other, and your relationship will need that for a successful marriage.

Yes a hundred times. This is SO right.

 

[visionary]

Don't pay too much attention to stereotypes, they're often also how we want men to behave. Perhaps it even is, to some extent, how they ought to behave to be men.

I would say, yes, that is quite a long time to be dating without murmurings of marriage, especially if I divine correctly from your screen name that you're about 25 years old. Marriage is a scary thing and some boys avoid it because they don't want to become men just yet. I can't say that's what he's up to. But here's what I'll say:

1. The point of dating is marriage, and you seem to believe that.
2. If this doesn't pan out into a marriage, you've been wasting prime mate-finding years on this person as well as wasting a lot of emotional and romantic capital.
3. This is an asymmetric situation, because men don't have biological clocks and society doesn't, on average, mind men dating younger. Most men don't realize consciously that it's asymmetric.
4. A man really needs to be able to discuss this marriage.

You can disagree with as much of that as you'd like.

I agree with what you are saying... did not want to give the impression that I was stereotyping.. just found from experience.. men seem to jump at the opportunity to get what they want. They are like shoppers at the store, in and out with their purchases.

 

[Turan1kk]

I agree with what Wormie says...Before you up and leave the guy, or do something rash, how is your communication level with him?

Maybe he is madly in love with you and has a whole different time frame forthe relationship in mind. Maybe he is thinking about marriage, but wants to wait until ______. Maybe he is content/stuck with the way things are now. Have you sat down and actually asked him what he's thinking and why?

I got married a few months ago. When we went to pre-marital counseling with our pastor, he gave us 'homework' to complete on our own. It was an assignment that would be able to tell how our thought processes of our relationship matched. I saved the assignment, and my hubby and I agreed to pull it out every 5 yrs or so and review.
But anyway, here's the jist of it. In just 20 minutes you can look at each others lifeplan, and see where they match up, and where you need to have some discussions. See if he's willing to do this, and you won't be sorry.

THis is meant to be done separately, then shared. The exercise is as follows:

For EACH question, come up with YOUR own answer for
-after 1 year
-after 3 years
-after 5 years
-after 10 years
-after 20 years

(He had us make it into an easy grid-form)

Questions:
-Where (geographically) are you living? Where is your significant other living?
-What is your job? What is your sig. other's job?
-What about living conditions? (apartment, house...)
-Have Children? How many?
-Where are you financially?

Hopefully you can use this, or part of it, or somehow be able to open up the lines of communication with him. At least if you can get him to talk/write down something, you'll be able to see where his head is in this relationship.

Good luck to you!

 

[&@John@&]

Let me tell you what I heard from a friend. He once told me that when I got married, my wife and myself will be one flash, so the decisions that you may take, will be taken together as husband and wife. In other words, do not let people influence in your relationship about getting married. From my own experience, that can be very frustrating.
But your boyfriend should be able to talk to you about it. He is your boyfriend after all. Advice: make plans, put them in your agenda and fulfill them. But at your own pace.

 

[Luther073082]

It depends on how old you are. If he is under the age of 23 or is still in college or something then I can see why he might hold it off.

But if he is over 23, not a student and working full time at a steady job, then he needs to man up and ask you to marry him. And if he isn't going to do that you need to move on someplace else.

I also agree with others, if you can't have an honest and open communication about this stuff, then you shouldn't get married in the first place.

It sounds rather immature of him to just avoid the discussion by saying "you will just have to trust me." Perhaps you should respond by saying "I'll trust you once I know what your plans and intentions are."

 

[gzt]

It depends on how old you are. If he is under the age of 23 or is still in college or something then I can see why he might hold it off.

But if he is over 23, not a student and working full time at a steady job, then he needs to man up and ask you to marry him. And if he isn't going to do that you need to move on someplace else.

I also agree with others, if you can't have an honest and open communication about this stuff, then you shouldn't get married in the first place.

It sounds rather immature of him to just avoid the discussion by saying "you will just have to trust me." Perhaps you should respond by saying "I'll trust you once I know what your plans and intentions are."

That's a good point. It's not like he's a spy or Batman or something. There's no reason his intentions should be secret unless they are not honorable, ie, not the sort that can stand the light of day.

 

[yam]

2 years is just okay . I know someone who have been in a relationship with a guy for 15 years and they are not marry . They have a child , I am always asking her when is the wedding ?

 

[Monaleezza]

This is superdooper advice.
Well done Windmill.

 

[Monaleezza]

THis is meant to be done separately, then shared. The exercise is as follows:

For EACH question, come up with YOUR own answer for
-after 1 year
-after 3 years
-after 5 years
-after 10 years
-after 20 years

(He had us make it into an easy grid-form)

Questions:
-Where (geographically) are you living? Where is your significant other living?
-What is your job? What is your sig. other's job?
-What about living conditions? (apartment, house...)
-Have Children? How many?
-Where are you financially?

Very helpful indeed. Nice one!