When I'm Freaking Out About the Enemy. . .

[ShadowInTheLight]

I find myself in a mess of mental thoughts when I do this. Sorry it's so long, I just can't be brief about things.

When I was 11/12, I started exploring the concept of God. I wasn't open about it to my parents, seeing as they were not religious, and I often considered the idea of being religious to mean I was crazy or stupid, because that was what a few bad experiences with Christians I knew had left me. But at this point, I started to believe in God, and I don't really remember why exactly, things just started to click. I had this desire to learn more and seek the Lord.

But see, not long after this, I gained a fascination with the devil (after a petty little sin that made me feel way too guilty for what it was worth). I thought the concept was interesting and alluring. I wanted to find proof, but I didn't really see for a long time that I was trying to find truth in someone who had no truth. I didn't know who the Devil was, I wanted to know, but I never really learned anything. . .except that he was far too mysterious to find. Things got real bad. . .to the point of depression and suicide. I couldn't tell you why I let myself be so bothered by him if I tried; my memory's fuzzy, and my brain turned numb to it all after a while. I remember never seeing my feelings as valid and I don't want to fall into this trap again.

I know it sounds crazy, and my parents have tried saying that it just didn't have anything to do with the Devil, but truthfully, I think that it's not his fault, but I played along with this obsession of mine with him. I knew not to, I did it anyway. Lesson learned: don't mess with the Devil. I thought he'd bring me to become emotionless and cold and evil, but really he just left me so spiritually dry and lost. There was a point I didn't believe God wanted me because of my rendezvous with Satan and his lies.

That is, when I realized they were lies. I remember being to the point where I saw that nothing in life mattered. All that joy and life that I'd had as a child? He'd stolen it from me. Demons had torn me to shreds mentally, though I never realized this was happening. I never saw it; that's insane right? I was attempting suicide and trying to figure out things yet I never realized this was the enemy trying to make me drown in my own nightmare. If only I'd known then that this would be me in the future, and if only I'd known to trust God then, when I asked for forgiveness for my stupid little lie, maybe this would have never happened. I'd like to tell myself that maybe it was supposed to.

Now, after all that, I tore myself apart over the concept of God. What was once happy and interesting, now broke my mental seams and made me feel crazy for wanting such a being to exist. I couldn't believe. I wasn't raised that way. After all, the Devil didn't show up when I looked for him (I guess I thought he was an easy target to spot, HA!), so he mustn't be real, is what I told myself. This fascination with finding proof of the Devil brought to a place of terrible doubt and disbelief. I can't even believe I believe, to be perfectly honest with you all. Yet I do, and I've struggled everyday with following God and my crippling doubt, because that was what Satan taught me in that time, how to let your doubts and anxiety control you. How to hide what you felt because what you felt wasn't real anyhow. I wasn't depressed, I had no reason to complain or be upset in any way. I had so many blessings. I guess that's what led me to believe God didn't like me or want me, because I had everything, but I didn't know how to be thankful. Instead I was sad, sad, sad, and I think that I was selfish in that way. I had to learn. I had to see that I couldn't be the victim anymore.

I gave my life on Feb. 25th, 2016, but I remember being so mad about my family being unsaved. I had thoughts tell me to be mad at God. I tried to understand why. I couldn't, I backslid, I didn't think I'd come back. I guess I was right all along, I was an atheist, I had to accept it now.

But I couldn't let God go, as pathetic as that sounds, I just didn't want to. . .or maybe I just couldn't. Maybe believing was in my system, but I dreaded it, I dreaded God for his rules. I secretly believed behind my inability to accept. It seemed wrong to aske for His help but not accept it. Maybe that is why He never left, because I'd asked for His help and now He was determined to give it to me.

Doubts killed me internally. I despised them. I soon came to a situation where God taught me how to surrender to Him. I was overjoyed and thankful, but things weren't better. It was gonna take time to learn how to follow Him and believe and trust Him. I learned not long before that I couldn't trust the world. All I had left was Him, and His truth.

I am a believer. I have little doubt of the existence of a God, though I struggle with other things, such as the existence of Christ as Savior. However, I am slowly learning and slowly believing. I am trusting that God will be my Shepard, and devoting myself to His cause. I thank Him for being with me after all this time.


But I'm not here to just share a testimony. I'd really just like to know how this whole story sounds, because I often feel misunderstood or crazy when I tell it. I just want to know that I'm not the only one that has things like this happen to them. I want to know there's someone out there who's been in deep spiritual warfare for years and has never seemed to be able to totally climb out of it.

Am I normal? Or am I crazy?

I know some will be in disagreement, but I hope at least one will understand.

 

[J. Elias]

Hello, Shadow.

I must be brief, but I think you may have blindly stumbled into something C.S. Lewis talks about. Lewis said something along the lines of "There are two extremes for the Christian: either he rejects the belief of devils outright, or is entirely obsessed with them"

As for your testimony, I think it's fascinating how God pulls us out of all our diverse situations to draw us to Himself. Myself, I was raised in a "Christian" home that exhibited little to no Christ-like behaviour at all. So, when I came to see the faults in my family, I changed dramatically, and things have only been getting better.

Now, things are still messy for me, mind you. I don't have much of a relationship with my parents, and I'm still trying to learn how to be an adult so I can live on my own. It's difficult, but God is with me, as I suspect He may well be with you.

As for knowing Jesus as Savior, I would highly recommend you listen to Dr. William Craig's evidence for the resurrection of Jesus, and his numerous other works in defense of Christianity. He's one of the best communicators of Christian doctrine I know, and I think listening to some of his work would be beneficial to you.

Blessings!

 

[J. Elias]

Hello, Shadow.

I must be brief, but I think you may have blindly stumbled into something C.S. Lewis talks about. Lewis said something along the lines of "There are two extremes for the Christian: either he rejects the belief of devils outright, or is entirely obsessed with them"

As for your testimony, I think it's fascinating how God pulls us out of all our diverse situations to draw us to Himself. Myself, I was raised in a "Christian" home that exhibited little to no Christ-like behaviour at all. So, when I came to see the faults in my family, I changed dramatically, and things have only been getting better.

Now, things are still messy for me, mind you. I don't have much of a relationship with my parents, and I'm still trying to learn how to be an adult so I can live on my own. It's difficult, but God is with me, as I suspect He may well be with you.

As for knowing Jesus as Savior, I would highly recommend you listen to Dr. William Craig's evidence for the resurrection of Jesus, and his numerous other works in defense of Christianity. He's one of the best communicators of Christian doctrine I know, and I think listening to some of his work would be beneficial to you.

Blessings!

 

[ShadowInTheLight]

Hello, Shadow.

I must be brief, but I think you may have blindly stumbled into something C.S. Lewis talks about. Lewis said something along the lines of "There are two extremes for the Christian: either he rejects the belief of devils outright, or is entirely obsessed with them"

As for your testimony, I think it's fascinating how God pulls us out of all our diverse situations to draw us to Himself. Myself, I was raised in a "Christian" home that exhibited little to no Christ-like behaviour at all. So, when I came to see the faults in my family, I changed dramatically, and things have only been getting better.

Now, things are still messy for me, mind you. I don't have much of a relationship with my parents, and I'm still trying to learn how to be an adult so I can live on my own. It's difficult, but God is with me, as I suspect He may well be with you.

As for knowing Jesus as Savior, I would highly recommend you listen to Dr. William Craig's evidence for the resurrection of Jesus, and his numerous other works in defense of Christianity. He's one of the best communicators of Christian doctrine I know, and I think listening to some of his work would be beneficial to you.

Blessings!

Hi, thank you for responding. I should have mentioned that I don't suffer from a lot of the old symptoms of my obsessive behavior, but I still live with these "trials" that have changed my life and spiritual side. I am familar with C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, so that is a good line I remember often. I have lived with obsessive thoughts happening so often that I don't find much comfort when I suspect that I am being spiritually attacked. I'm learning slowly not to worry too much about it, but I often wonder whether I am going psychotic because I rarely have moments where something doesn't bother me. I go off on tangents too often. People will say things that are just too weird to be a coincidence, and I'm just not sure whether it's all in my head. I guess that's the thing about this: I feel like I've been tainted to think a certain way that I find I have a hard time validating my own experiences, because many of my past ones (in my fascination, I had hallucinations, I dealt in the occult, I tried summoning demons and Satan himself) were total lies. I let myself be deceived and this is the consequence, unfortunately, never being sure whether it's all in my head.

Luckily, God has been there through it all. I've learned not to respond the way I used to, but I know that my parents would probably say that it's all in my head and try to convince me I'm wrong anyway, and the Devil doesn't exist, and because they hold so much influence over me, I'd consider it even if I didn't agree. (They didn't seem to care before when I told them I was having obsessive thoughts about the Devil. Most of the time, I just really wanted proof. I wasn't a Christian at the time this had happened, but it did occur as I moved along into it. Anyway, I know it's a complicated story line and I don't really know how to express it. All I can say is that if I could go back and tell myself how to respond, I would. I would tell myself to ignore those reoccurring thoughts and focus on God. I would try and get myself to stray from the very thing that made me depressed and suicidal). Anyway, God did save my life, a lot. He taught me how to respond to the Devil. . .at least I hope so. See, I'm just not real sure that others go through these spiritual battles. Sometimes, I hear things people say, and they seem to understand when I speak about having doubts, or having things burden me to the point I start to wonder. For example, I surrendered to the Lord one night, because I'd finally realized I needed to. I never told anyone about it, yet my mom made a comment that was so spot on (but wasn't directed at me) to what I was thinking that night and unintentionally insulted me. I was freaking out because I thought she had heard me or maybe read something I'd written in my diary about it because she'd looked me right in the eye and told me how it was "terrible that God would call you a hell-bound sinner, and make you ask Him for forgiveness. . ." She didn't know anything. . . It's so odd, but I can't decide whether it's conincidence. I don't think it was, but then again, maybe the random comment was.

I've not had something that strange happen since, but things similar have happened SO MANY TIMES. I really just felt all alone, I know I'm not alone, not ever, but sometimes I am just really needing to talk to someone about this. So thank you.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

I know it sounds crazy, and my parents have tried saying that it just didn't have anything to do with the Devil, but truthfully, I think that it's not his fault, but I played along with this obsession of mine with him. I knew not to, I did it anyway. Lesson learned: don't mess with the Devil. I thought he'd bring me to become emotionless and cold and evil, but really he just left me so spiritually dry and lost. There was a point I didn't believe God wanted me because of my rendezvous with Satan and his lies.



Am I normal? Or am I crazy?

Few could have all of their behavior, feelings, and thoughts fit into the "normal" category all the time, and nearly all of us have a splash of crazy in us. So set aside the idea that you must neatly fit into either box.

What else have your parents said about your depression and suicidal ideation besides that is doesn't have anything to do with the devil or demonic activity? I don't think it has anything to do with the devil, either. In reading your posts what came to mind is this condition called Scrupulosity that others have written about here and elsewhere. Of course I'm not in any way attempting to diagnose you via internet forum posts, but I wanted to put the information out there and see what you think about it: http://ocdla.com/scrupulosity-ocd-religion-faith-belief-2107

A very belated welcome to Christian Forums to you, by the way.

 

[ShadowInTheLight]

Few could have all of their behavior, feelings, and thoughts fit into the "normal" category all the time, and nearly all of us have a splash of crazy in us. So set aside the idea that you must neatly fit into either box.

What else have your parents said about your depression and suicidal ideation besides that is doesn't have anything to do with the devil or demonic activity? I don't think it has anything to do with the devil, either. In reading your posts what came to mind is this condition called Scrupulosity that others have written about here and elsewhere. Of course I'm not in any way attempting to diagnose you via internet forum posts, but I wanted to put the information out there and see what you think about it: http://ocdla.com/scrupulosity-ocd-religion-faith-belief-2107

A very belated welcome to Christian Forums to you, by the way.

Hi, thank you.

I've known for a long long while that I've had those types of symptoms. I'd say I'm definitely better nowadays than before. I know I tend to freak out, and I sort of let it come out on here (even if it may have been a bad idea). It luckily doesn't bother me like before.

They simply do not wish to take me to a therapist. It's kind of crazy, but I've been working through my problems for almost 4 years now. Still to this day, I have never seen anyone about this issue or any issues I've had in the past (none of them negative before by the way). I don't know if they simply don't believe I have symptoms of depression and OCD or if they just don't want to have me take pills.

Thus far, only God has helped me get through this.

Also, I don't have most of the symptoms listed on the website, only strictly the one about excessive thoughts about symbols (like the Devil), and even that is so much better than where I was 2 years ago.

 

[mnorian]

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Closed by OP request.

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