This is one some of you might not believe, LOL!
I was drawn to Jesus very early in life and was told that I was too young. I was being abused and I wanted Jesus, because Jesus loved the little children. I went forward during the service on Sunday morning and they literally had to pry my hands from the alter railing. I kept screaming and crying "I want Jesus! I want Jesus!" as they dragged me away. I was told that if I couldn't behave I wouldn't be allowed to return.
Several years later, I went to Sunday School with the neighbors. I gained a lot of head knowledge but between the prior incident and the ritual abuse that I went through I just couldn't believe that God would accept me. I kept trying to get good enough.
I started having dreams that came true. Some of them were about the End Times and some of those I'm still waiting on.
As I got older and the abuse became more severe I had two distinct lives. One the one hand, I lead people to the Lord and witnessed to them, all the while believing that I wasn't good enough. Still seeking God but feeling rejected.
My other life was being dragged into the occult. As I was brainwashed that I was a child of the devil, demon seed and weird things kept happening around me I began to believe the lies.
We moved to TN to Tennessee Temple where my stepfather decided to go to seminary. The abuse was still continuing.
One night, during a missionary conference, a missionary preached. He gave his testimony and you could feel the presence of God. It made you want to fall to your knees. He gave an alter call and I was shocked to see all these seminary students go forward to accept Christ as their Savior. About 1/3 of the congregation!
Then he gave an alter call for those who wanted to rededicate thier lives to the Lord. Do you know how many were left standing in the pews and the balcony? About 20 or so people out of several thousand.
I was one of them. The power of God was so strong I had to hold onto the back of the pew to stay standing. It was at that time that I told God that if He would give me a testimony that would draw people to Him like that man had then I would serve Him the rest of my life.
I was 14 yrs old.
My life just became a bigger target for satan. The abuse got worse. He raped me and beat his child out of me. I got involved in drugs and alcohol trying to cover the pain. Instead of seeking God, I turned my back on Him. "If He couldn't protect me, He wasn't worth serving"
I had a lot of bottoms to hit before I became willing to seek God once more. I became deeply enmeshed in witchcraft/satanism and those that practised were afraid of me. I didn't fit in anywhere, I felt like a person without a country.
I married at the age of 16. My husband died when I was 21. Alcohol and drugs became a solace and a way to survive.
I remarried before actually greiving. I didn't know how. I had three children. He was abusive and I started hearing voices while he was at work. It terrified me. I filed for divorce because of his abuse. Before the divorce was final he kidnapped my children and dissapeared.
Years later, I was a full blown alcoholic and addict. Witchcraft didn't fill the holes in my soul and they were mighty big holes.
I started seeking God via AA. When I did, satan came to collect on a pact I had made. God saved my life when I called out to Him.
It took me several years to sort out the true from the false and trying to get sober wasn't easy. I started having flashbacks everytime I started getting sober. I would try to kill myself or I would get drunk to escape the pain. God placed several Christians in my life along the way and each time I fell on my face they were there pointing me back to God's love and forgiveness.
I was so dysfunctional, I couldn't hold a job. I lost time, I couldn't remember whole blocks of time. I had accepted Christ as my Savior but I knew that as long as I couldn't remember what went on during those white out periods I couldn't remain accountable to God. I was terrified I would do something that would make God angry at me and not have any memory of it.
The psychologists had diagnosed me a million ways to Sunday and each of them had a magic pill that was supposed to make me better. It just made me more miserable.
I became suicidal once more on Jan. 1, 1991. I had read a book that was about a woman with Multiple Personality Disorder. I related so well to the things that happened to her that I just couldn't accept it. Worse the book didn't offer any hope of recovery.
The attempt at suicide failed. My goal had been to get drunk and drive over the side of the overpass to my death while everybody was sleeping off their hangovers.
It didn't work out that way. Instead I got drunk went back to AA and told off every Christian I had known. I told them God couldn't handle my problems and their religion wasn't big enough to help someone like me! Oh, I let them have it with both barrels. And then they took me to 4 different meetings in a row and they kept bringing up the topic of honesty.
Before the day was through I had spilled my gutts. They all knew everything I had ever been afraid to let anybody know about me. The voices, the lost time, my fear of being possessed, the ritual abuse. The miracle of it all was that usually they don't let drunks speak in AA meetings but I was as drunk as could be and they knew that if I didn't tell it all I would die, because my secrets were what were keeping me sick and scared.
God provided a Christian therapist that specialized in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and he treated me free of charge. During that time I learned how to pray, and study the Word of God and how to do spiritual warfare. God gave me a prayer partner.
Was I possessed? No, but I had split off into 49 fragments and it was my job to get them to accept Jesus so we could get them all put back into my body where we belonged.
That statement sounds simple, but when you're having to own the pain and memories of everything ever done to you it's like fighting a war. There came a time during my recovery when God was calling me into ministry that I had an issue to deal with that I just had a difficult time accepting. The original abuse. It occurred when I was barely 4 months old. I had had flashbacks of that time most of my life, before i even knew what flashbacks were. There was a woman with my dad that I didn't know. What played out with this woman and my dad was so horrible I didn't want to accept it as real.
This issue was so much a part of my pain that while I was in the midst of struggling with it, I became so unstable that they almost ended up committing me to the psych ward. We're talking about permanent commitment. The turmoil going on in my soul was just so great it was about to rip me apart.
I was desperate at that point. I got on my face before God and told Him that if He wouldn't become God of my life then I was you know what! That's the day I totally surrendered.
God told me that I had to forgive my dad for what he did. If I couldn't forgive him then God couldn't use me. I was talking to my mother on the phone one day and I told her I had a memory (I left out a lot of details that are personal) but I described this woman. She said Wow, you remember her all the way back then? She told me I was about 3 1/2 mos. old when she used to babysit me.
Well, my mom confirmed it, I had to forgive it. God told me I had to. See, that was where satan had gotten a foothold in my life. If I didn't deal with that I would never be free.
A week later I came to the Lord and told Him. I don't know how to forgive my dad but I'm willing to if you'll just show me how. The weight of a lifetime came off of me, the shackles I had been bound by had dropped. The Holy Spirit fell upon me at that time and I will never forget the joy that filled my whole being. It was at that time that God told me that He would send people into my life and I would comfort with the comfort I had been given.
So, these many years since, what have I been doing? A lot of things. God keeps sending people into my life. I've ministered to ministers, abused and broken people, those in the occult, you name it and God has used me.
One other area that God will use me. During my growing up years I was half starved to death, I was neglected, beaten and forsaken at different times. I was deathly ill without being taken to a doctor. I had bones broken that were never mended.
Part of my ministry, which has been confirmed time and time again is for the End Times. I will comfort with the comfort I have been given by God.
When God called me to ministry, I asked God, "Why me? I'm a woman? Look at where I've been and what I've done, how can you use me?"
I was given quite a few verses but the two passages that stand out are when Jesus asked the disciples to bring them the donkey's colt. He said to tell the owner, "I have need of it."
I Cor. 1:24-29
"But to those who are called, whether Jew or Greek (Gentile), Christ [is] the Power of God and teh Wisdom of God.
[This is] because the foolish thing [that has its source in] God is wiser than men, and the week thing [that springs] from God is stronger than men.
For [simply] consider your own call, brethren; not many [of you were considered to be] wise according to human estimates and standards, not many influential and powerful, not many of high and noble birth.
[No] for God selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame.
And God also selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are.
So that no mortal man should [have pretense for glorifying and ] boast in the presence of God." Amplified
So if any of you are praying to God and asking Him if He wants you to enter full time ministry, then perhaps just take a step back and you may find that in His infintie grace, God will have already answered your prayer
I would say things to my wife that I didn't mean, and they were very hurtful. I became addicted to pornography, and I started lying to my wife, especially about financial matters. I was trying my best to bankrupt us, and my wife kept us afloat. 
