When does flirting go too far?

[joyinchrist]

nice to hear this from a guy!

I mean seriously people lets be real here. Men think about sex constantly. You've got to be really naieve if you think girls sitting on a guys lap, or poking at each other is no big deal. Don't lie to me here!

In a marriage situation this type of over-friendliness opens the door to adultery. Check out some of the other threads on the married couples forums if you don't believe me.

And also, his being so defensive and snippy about you talking about this is a red light. I mean guys get the same way when you try to talk about them looking at porn. ("It's no big deal, it doesn't mean anything, blah blah blah...." barf!)

 

[Warrior Poet]

I mean seriously people lets be real here. Men think about sex constantly. You've got to be really naieve if you think girls sitting on a guys lap, or poking at each other is no big deal. Don't lie to me here!

Ok I wont lie to you here....I have a lot of female friends ones where I dont think about sex when I am with them. Most of the time thats the farthest thing from my mind....if you cant divied yourself from that it shows a great lacking in self control. I dont think its no big deal but I dont think its wrong either. Again in the situation the OP is referring to it sounds to be a bit much.

I

n a marriage situation this type of over-friendliness opens the door to adultery. Check out some of the other threads on the married couples forums if you don't believe me.

Oh I believe you. I have seen it happen first hand. So does an over protective, jealous, controling S.O. Its a fine line to walk.

Warrior Poet

 

[charligirl]

They were like "We goof with each other..". She said "I take off his hat" (or something like that) and he was like "And I poke her.." standing there poking her.. right in front of me!!

This behaviour is not appropriate. To add to the reasons everyone else has stated; he is engaged to be married to you, he will be making vows before God that he will cleave to you forsaking all others, cherish you etc etc.. his behaviour does not display that and it sounds like he is not ready to do that.

I talked to him and he said that he understood and that he wouldn't do it near as much. Then later on the phone when I told him it still bothered me, he got aggrivated bc he "thought we were done with that discussion". He has no right to be aggrivated at me. I don't know what to say to him bc he didn't stop being aggrivated and I just said "Fine, if you're gonna be like this, I'm gonna let you go" and hung up. I am right, right? And what should I do?

With regard to this conversation you had with him, it's good you expressed how you feel and he seemed to respond well, saying that he would try and alter his behaviour. But you should have left it there, if he continued to behave that way with her after this conversation, THAT would be the time to bring it up again.

In his eyes, you expressed your upset and he understood and promised to change, to a man that is the situation dealt with.... but then you brought it up again.

I understand how you feel, women tend to mull over things and it takes time to feel better, but you need to then give him a chance to prove that he was willing and able to change... Maybe he was convicted by his behaviour, but you didn't give him the chance to show you that, so I understand why he was aggravated when you brought it up later.

This is such a big difference between how men and women think and I have done EXACTLY what you did and my finace also got aggravated. Once we had cooled down we talked it over we both explained our side of the story. I WAS justified in my feelings of upset, but once I have voiced them and he promised to change I wasn't then justified in keep bringing it up. He was wrong to start with and tried to make ammends by promising to change but I never gave him the chance as I kept 'rubbing his face in it' so he was justified in getting angry.

It was a big lesson to learn

 

[KGirl]

Well, he said that he didn't feel it was the best time to discuss it bc we only had about 15 minutes to talk. He later was calm and said he understood and said "What do you want me to do?". And I can't remember what he said after that but he was sounding like he'd do what I said. I said "I guess just what you said by trying not to do it."

Luckily it's not bothering me much anymore, though a little while ago he said "We need to talk later", and that it's "bad but not THAT bad". Whatever that means! I hate wait! Ugh!! ok I done..

 

[nakedsoul]

Does this mean I can't hang out with my brother anymore - and worse yet once he's married. We don't flirt or tickle or tug on each other's clothing when we hang out ... I mean, I'd hate to lose touch with my niece, seeing as how she's only 2. My mom really tries to make his fiancee welcome in our family and that would really suck big time if I couldn't hang out with him anymore.

 

[John the Engineer]

Does this mean I can't hang out with my brother anymore - and worse yet once he's married. We don't flirt or tickle or tug on each other's clothing when we hang out ... I mean, I'd hate to lose touch with my niece, seeing as how she's only 2. My mom really tries to make his fiancee welcome in our family and that would really suck big time if I couldn't hang out with him anymore.

You're not likely to cheat on your significant other with a brother or niece or such. And there's also a difference between hanging out with someone when you two are alone, hanging out with their family (IE: Visiting your brother's house and having dinner with them), etc. Not really the same as what she's talking about. Remember this is "little sister" not little sister (not actually related)

 

[nakedsoul]

I remember when I was a wide eyed idealist and believed "two people can just hang out and be friends", but I found that that was furthest from the truth.

A man and a woman cannot spend lots of time alone with eachother, go out and do stuff, trust eachother and be close, and pretend that all that will not lead at least one of them into having feelings for the other.

One of my best friends - in fact two - are guys. I talk to them about most anything and we hang out a lot, going out to dinners or bars or movies, whatever. I'll admit there have been times when I thought about them in a different light , but it was so easy to move past that because of how great our friendship is and I'm still just friends with them. We flirt quite a bit and I'll sit in their laps, ring my arms around them, we hug on occassion, but know nothing else will happen and since it's been talked over, we KNOW our friendship is better without it, so there's no question whenever we flirt. And our significant others have never seemed to care ... perhaps going so much as just poking fun out of it ... or maybe they really are getting mad. I can't tell.

 

[joyinchrist]

Hmmm... I have some close guy friends, and I could never imagine sitting in their lap. It would disrespect them and their girlfriends

 

[Timo]

Just wanted to agree with what Charliegirl said - the reason that he got annoyed would most likely be because you brought it up a second time when he thought it had been dealt with.

Ok I wont lie to you here....I have a lot of female friends ones where I dont think about sex when I am with them. Most of the time thats the farthest thing from my mind....if you cant divied yourself from that it shows a great lacking in self control. I dont think its no big deal but I dont think its wrong either. Again in the situation the OP is referring to it sounds to be a bit much.

I agree with all of this. Do you know how long they've known each other? If it's most of their lives that they've been like this then I would have thought it was purely platonic; but you're right to ask him to stop being like that because, as others have pointed out, there's the risk of it becoming something more.

 

[nakedsoul]

Hmmm... I have some close guy friends, and I could never imagine sitting in their lap. It would disrespect them and their girlfriends

Not if they like it.

 

[joyinchrist]

If either they or their girlfriends "liked" me sitting on their lap, I think I would seriously wonder about them. Seriously, thats just odd

Not if they like it.

 

[nakedsoul]

If either they or their girlfriends "liked" me sitting on their lap, I think I would seriously wonder about them. Seriously, thats just odd

What would you think? That they were open-minded? Fun? Socialable? Or Heaven forbid (no pun intended ) that they actually liked you as a person?

 

[joyinchrist]

I would probably think that they liked me a little too much... and also that they dont value their relationship as much as they should

What would you think? That they were open-minded? Fun? Socialable? Or Heaven forbid (no pun intended ) that they actually liked you as a person?