When does flirting go too far?

[KGirl]

My fiance has this best friend that's a girl. Him and I are 19 and she's 16. Anywho, he wanted me to meet her and constantly calls her his "little sister". Now, I'm starting to wonder why he calls her that as often as he does, though I'm getting back to the main point.. When we got to her house, she automatically started to flirt by pulling his hat off and stuff. They were like "We goof with each other..". She said "I take off his hat" (or something like that) and he was like "And I poke her.." standing there poking her.. right in front of me!! They flirted off and on when I was there, and I thought I'd be overreacting if I got all mad, so I went along with it and when I goofed too, and her and I ganged up on him, it wasn't so bad, though now I don't even think I'm as ok with that (I'm still deciding) but I can't ignore the thought of both of them with each other.. I later thought about it and even siblings aren't like that. They sometimes goof around, I dunno. My mother even thought that if she's not a sibling that he shouldn't be like that at all. I talked to him and he said that he understood and that he wouldn't do it near as much. Then later on the phone when I told him it still bothered me, he got aggrivated bc he "thought we were done with that discussion". He has no right to be aggrivated at me. I don't know what to say to him bc he didn't stop being aggrivated and I just said "Fine, if you're gonna be like this, I'm gonna let you go" and hung up. I am right, right? And what should I do? And is it ok for a person who's engaged to goof around with a friend by ticking and stuff? Where do you draw the line? He said that they generally don't do it much, maybe some in the beginning, then talking the rest of the time.

I know he loves me and I trust him when he says he doesn't like her, though it bugs me so much. I can't stop picturing him poking her and her flirting back whatnot.

What should I do??

 

[msjones21]

I'm going to be blunt. You're engaged to be married. It's time for you to give your fiance the ultimatum...it's either her or you. It certainly isn't appropriate for them to be friends now, but it would definitely be out of the question when you're married.

 

[KGirl]

Why is it wrong for them to be friends? They never dated..

 

[rwl]

I think you two might want to think marriage. If you're even having a discussion like this then your relationship isn't ready to progress.

For one thing, you shouldn't have to give your husband an ultimatum like that. For another he shouldn't be poking 16 year old girls. It's just not PC.

There definitely needs to be a little more growing up there.

 

[KGirl]

PC? He claims she's like his "sister". He tickles his younger siblings. That's normal.. But she's not his sibling.

 

[musikbebe]

hello,
i agree...his behavior really isn't appropriate. i had almost the exact same situation (they called each other siblings and flirted...funny coincidence lol) and i talked to my bf about it. he agreed that it was a lil inappropriate and stopped initiating and responding to that flirting. it does still bother me that it happened. i try to remember that i really do trust him and he also was very calm about it all and helped me. if he's willing to cut down on the flirting, be patient and see how it goes. try not to get too anxious, and when you talk about it with him, stay calm and patient. i do suggest that you both examine how you get through disagreements and problems in light of you're engagement. develop good communication and it will strengthen your relationship. i hope everything turns out for the best! be patient in love.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Well I am a physical guy....i tickle and poke and pinch my female friends.....they sit on my lap and stuff like that....given we are all about the same age....its just how I am I also call girls sweetie, baby, honey...all the time.....none of my friends find it offensive, i cant say for the same their SO. But this isnt random girls I have been friends with most for a very long time and their family as well....I call alot of em sis...i call their mom "Mom"...and so on....but there is nothing between me and them.....other then friendship.

This could be a case like that....but where did he find this 16 year old girl to hang out and where do they hang out?...just sounds kinda funny. If a girl asked me to take an ultimatum I would leave.....

I think you should also do pre-maritial conseling it would be very healthy....from the sounds of thing....its just a good idea period.

Other then that i agree with rwl. And I think he meant "rethink"

Warrior Poet

 

[rwl]

PC?

Politically correct.

And regardless if they call each other siblings or not theres a level of respect, maturity, caring... yadda yadda yadda... that obviously is just not there yet.

There are some people I care about like they are blood, but my interaction with them doesn't upset my girlfriend.

 

[KGirl]

Well I am a physical guy....i tickle and poke and pinch my female friends.....they sit on my lap and stuff like that....given we are all about the same age....its just how I am I also call girls sweetie, baby, honey...all the time.....none of my friends find it offensive, i cant say for the same their SO. But this isnt random girls I have been friends with most for a very long time and their family as well....I call alot of em sis...i call their mom "Mom"...and so on....but there is nothing between me and them.....other then friendship.

This could be a case like that....but where did he find this 16 year old girl to hang out and where do they hang out?...just sounds kinda funny. If a girl asked me to take an ultimatum I would leave.....

I think you should also do pre-maritial conseling it would be very healthy....from the sounds of thing....its just a good idea period.

Other then that i agree with rwl. And I think he meant "rethink"

Warrior Poet

Yes, but do you have a girlfriend? Especially one who you love? ENGAGED TO?

 

[msjones21]

Why is it wrong for them to be friends? They never dated..

Because it isn't at all appropriate for a person who is engaged to be married to hang out on a one-on-one basis with a friend of the opposite sex.

 

[John the Engineer]

Because it isn't at all appropriate for a person who is engaged to be married to hang out on a one-on-one basis with a friend of the opposite sex.

Very true. Especially if it's someone they feel close to. Honestly, most guys end up calling a girl "little sister" simply because they feel a connection with them but the age difference is something of concern. That was how it was with my "little sister", and I even told her as much. We both cut down our communication and didn't hang out that much once we were seeing other people.

Building trust and closeness with someone is building a relationship. If you're close to someone and you trust them with yourself you form a bond, and that bond in a man/woman relationship forms love.

If he is hanging out with her one on one you really need to raise question. If this girl is going to be hanging out with you two, then you just need to talk with him about how he acts around her. Here's a good question, if you three went somewhere, who would everyone believe he was going out with? And why? Who is he showing his affection for (not who really has his "love")

 

[msjones21]

Here's a good question, if you three went somewhere, who would everyone believe he was going out with? And why? Who is he showing his affection for (not who really has his "love")

Excellent point!

 

[Warrior Poet]

Yes, but do you have a girlfriend? Especially one who you love? ENGAGED TO?

No...no I dont.

If they met me that way.....then thats the way I am gonna be and the way i am. I had one relationship where I could not be me in that sense. I gave up and quit talking to a lot of girls....even ones I had know since 5th grade. I had another who was just fine with it....for about the 8 months we were together...she knew that was me....and she knew who I was taking home that night (her home not mine ) I'll let you guess which one I was happier in. Now if one day I just started acting in this mannor that should send off a few alarms. Is that the it was or has he been friends with this girl or a long time??....the age thing still seems to bother me about this whole situation.

In the realm of marriage many of the rules are changed...well for me anyway....there are just things you dont do or cut back on due to marriage.....I would be far less physical if i was married.

Warrior Poet

 

[rwl]

Because it isn't at all appropriate for a person who is engaged to be married to hang out on a one-on-one basis with a friend of the opposite sex.

I agree and disagree with that.

I see nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. There's no reason to shut that out. However I do see being as physical as Warrior stated uncouth when marriage is in play. I was the same way with friends a few years back. However I also knew that marriage was the farthest thing from my mind.

When you're with someone and are very serious about that person then there’s just something’s that just aren’t done. Maturity plays a huge part in that. Please don't think I'm calling anyone immature. But the older you get = the more mature you get = the less likely you are to do certain things like mentioned above.

 

[John the Engineer]

I agree and disagree with that.

I see nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. There's no reason to shut that out. However I do see being as physical as Warrior stated uncouth when marriage is in play. I was the same way with friends a few years back. However I also knew that marriage was the farthest thing from my mind.

When you're with someone and are very serious about that person then there’s just something’s that just aren’t done. Maturity plays a huge part in that. Please don't think I'm calling anyone immature. But the older you get = the more mature you get = the less likely you are to do certain things like mentioned above.

But think of it this way, where can you hang out with someone one-on-one that's appropriate? At their house? At an amusement park? At any place? They all sound strangely familiar, sorta like, maybe, a date?

Like I said previously, I believe it was in this post, maybe it was her other one, people that spend time together form bonds. I remember when I was a wide eyed idealist and believed "two people can just hang out and be friends", but I found that that was furthest from the truth. I ended up in a relationship with a girl who had a boyfriend, and the two of us were so confused by the feelings we had that it ended terribly. I am very ashamed of how I ended up going from friend to weekend-boyfriend.

A man and a woman cannot spend lots of time alone with eachother, go out and do stuff, trust eachother and be close, and pretend that all that will not lead at least one of them into having feelings for the other. My last girlfriend believed this, and she started living in denial over the fact that her good friend was in love with her, and would do anything to push me away. She even would make excuses for why he acted the way he did because she, fully not having feelings for him, didn't want to lose him as a friend. But they had spent a lot of time alone together and had become very close. That's how it works.

 

[joyinchrist]

I think if you are engaged he should respect your wishes and your boundaries... if he does this now, he will have no problem doing other things that offend you later on

 

[rwl]

But think of it this way, where can you hang out with someone one-on-one that's appropriate? At their house? At an amusement park? At any place? They all sound strangely familiar, sorta like, maybe, a date?

That's a very extremist view. If you go to an amusement park with you male friends or to their house that isn't a date is it? Of course not. Just because the person you're with has a little more y chromosome then you doesn’t mean that you must stop everything your doing because it might be a date. Self control and knowledge of ones self goes a long way.

Like I said previously, I believe it was in this post, maybe it was her other one, people that spend time together form bonds.

Thats what friendship is!

I remember when I was a wide eyed idealist and believed "two people can just hang out and be friends", but I found that that was furthest from the truth. I ended up in a relationship with a girl who had a boyfriend, and the two of us were so confused by the feelings we had that it ended terribly. I am very ashamed of how I ended up going from friend to weekend-boyfriend.

I've hooked up with members of the opposite sex that were just friends of mine. There is a greater number of ones I havent hooked up with though. Live and learn.

A man and a woman cannot spend lots of time alone with eachother, go out and do stuff, trust eachother and be close, and pretend that all that will not lead at least one of them into having feelings for the other. My last girlfriend believed this, and she started living in denial over the fact that her good friend was in love with her, and would do anything to push me away. She even would make excuses for why he acted the way he did because she, fully not having feelings for him, didn't want to lose him as a friend. But they had spent a lot of time alone together and had become very close. That's how it works.

I'm sorry that it happened that way, but when two mature adults are in a friendship with one another then alot of these issues will not come up. Yeah in highschool, some college, i've seen this kindda junk happen all the time.

Since entering the working world it's gradually phased itself out. That's why I keep bringing up the topic of maturity!! I'm not alot older then you by any means but at our age group days and months can equal years. When dealing with mature people the issues you've raised are null and void ( for the most part)

 

[Silent Enigma]

I mean seriously people lets be real here. Men think about sex constantly. You've got to be really naieve if you think girls sitting on a guys lap, or poking at each other is no big deal. Don't lie to me here!

In a marriage situation this type of over-friendliness opens the door to adultery. Check out some of the other threads on the married couples forums if you don't believe me.

And also, his being so defensive and snippy about you talking about this is a red light. I mean guys get the same way when you try to talk about them looking at porn. ("It's no big deal, it doesn't mean anything, blah blah blah...." barf!)

 

[cutekid 4 Jesus]

Well Im going to go against the grain here,and say maybe you are overeacting,but then again I wasnt there and you had better be safe than sorry with things like that. I mean I have 'older brothers' in longterm relationship that joke around like that with me,but I guess they really are like my big brother,I just see them at university,they dont come round my house or anything with or without their girlfriends. One guy in particular im thinking of,well Im his office a lot and his girlfriend has seen me there twice and she was so nice about it,I would back off from someone the minute they started thinking anything unwholesome though.
I really dont think goofing around is necessarily sexual,I really dont,maybe Im being naive but in my situation I know everyone really does think of me like their 'little sister' even though Im 20!
I also think part of the problem is this trend for christians to be engaged so young,he is 19 years old and most normal teenagers ARE goofing around with their friends-male and female. I think he is still enjoying his youth,so to speak,he may resent it if you cut it short,but then..he kind of made that decision when he got engaged to you.

 

[YouthPastor]

at that age - poking grabing etc.. you have to be careful - I think it is alittle old for tow people of their ages to be poking etc...

close relationships with the opposite sex - especially after marriage (including engagement)- is not a verry good idea - it leaves open too many doors to temptation.

Now - if she can beccome a friend of both of you - then fine - the the "close personal contact" between the two of them needs to end - for one - poking etc.. between two teens is one thing - but your fiance is an adult.