When did/do you see yourself as divorced...

[Camalinda]

As opposed to 'separated' or 'still married?'

I'm not looking to GIVE or receive judgment here. Just people's own varying opinions about this.

Personally, the marriage that I came out of ceased to be a "Marriage" long ago. My spouse made all those decisions by withholding our basic needs and more. While I know this is not God's best (will) for our marriage- or any marriage- I also stand before Him with a clean heart, knowing I did all I could do for a very long time until I felt it was absolutely to the point where we could not stay there any longer.

So... all that to say, I do not consider myself "Married" anymore. That doesn't mean I am shacking up or looking for the next man. But to me, the behavior and decisions of my spouse for so long has broken anything that might resemble a marriage, and a piece of paper saying we're legally married doesn't constitute a marriage to me.

I have read several people here say they won't date or get into a relationship until after the divorce is final. I think that can be practical in many ways. But aside from it just being plain foolish at this point, I'm not sure I would think it was wrong to develop a friendship with a man in hopes it might at some point go somewhere.

Before you jump all over me - Again, I am NOT saying I am interested, nor do I think it is right, in shacking up with any Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along. And for me, I know that 2 months into my separation- which will be a divorce ASAP- it would be unwise to invest in another relationship becasue we are all still transitioning and I still have a lot of work to do (read: therapy... haha) to become healthy. But... I still don't consider myself married. At all. And while I commit my husband to the Lord, that is all I can do. I am not holding out ANY hope of reconciling because he has shown year after year after year that he is not changing. Not one iota. That's really a blessing- I do not need to torture myself with wonder and hope at what might be.

Is there anyone else NOT in the "I'm married until the divorce is final" camp? I have a hard time with this. My sibling has been separated over 3 years from their spouse and even though there is no talk, even, of reconciliation, she still says she's 'married.' IS it just a legal thing? If it is scriptural, I'd love to hear references. Thoughts? Opinions?

 

[BlueJay83]

Well, I totally agree with your viewpoint.

A Marriage is a commitment, not a piece of paper.
If that vow to "Love, honor and cherish" is repeatedly broken, and the other partner is clearly not prepared to change and begin honoring that commitment, then I believe the relationship is over and they are free to do what they feel is right.

If they choose to go on a few dates to remind themselves of what independance and "freedom" feels like, that's fine. It may not be wise at such an early stage, but it is not morally wrong.

I don't consider myself married or separated.
Separation implies to me that there's still an agreement between the two people and the vows are still intact, they are simply trying to have time out before reconciliation.

I consider myself somewhere between Separated, Single and Divorced.
Neither one is accurate.
I'm not Divorced or single in that there's a legal piece of paper over my head stil.l
I'm not Separated because there is no chance of reconciliation.

When I talk to friends I don't say we're divorced, and I don't say we're separated.. I simply say "it's over" between us and whatever other steps that need to be taken in order for "over" to be completed, so be it.

 

[Conservativation]

One thought about the piece of paper thing, and I hear this all the time, that marriage isnt a piece of paper....and I agree.....but....

Lets take the couple who separate, even as you have with zero intent to get back together, IOW a couple who truly ONLY has the piece of paper, now take them and something happens that puts them back together.....will they need to do some kind of thing, some ritual or something before they would consider sex together ok and not fornication? Im not fixated on the morality of sex here, just that that piece of paper, that one that is meaningless, suddenly for Christians is meaningful enough to be considered still married and have sex together if reconciling......so......is that paper something, or is it nothing

 

[BlueJay83]

When they reconcile they have a big talk and say sorry, and in that they renew their commitment by having a change of heart. The paper does not make them committed, their hearts do.
The paper is just for Government records and tax reasons, if they reconcile it's simply easier because they don't have to stuff around with paperwork.

*shrug*
makes sense in my mind anyway

 

[Camalinda]

Yes, I would agree that the piece of paper is more for legal and tax purposes and that the heart is really what determines the commitment.

My husband likes to use the "wedding vows" we said and such as ammunition against ME and 'how can I leave after saying those things' but he himself has no qualms abusing his place as husband and father because in his eyes, at least he is willing to stay in the marriage. So it is OK, in his eyes, to withhold basic needs, require your children to do above and beyond what they are capable of doing, and more because at least he is honoring the wedding vows of "till death do us part." So convoluted.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

Basically I am in the belief that I was married until my divorce was final. It took about 1 year and a week, but in God's eyes, I was still married. It's a personal conviction for me. He obviously had no problem with not being married as he moved in with his girlfriend a few months after we separated.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I've seen myself in another woman's eyes. It was remarkable.