When compliments backfire

[LovebirdsFlying]

It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have disabilities, both physical and mental, and therefore less is expected of me. I'm doing some plain, ordinary routine task that most people do every day, but for some reason when I do it, it's cause for more celebration than other people seem to get. I'm talking about things like getting a job, learning to drive a car, buying a house, handling an awkward situation wisely, scoring well on a test... People do those things all the time. Yes, they are cause for congratulations, but what I seem to get is, "Oh, good for YOU! You did that so WELL! I'm PROUD of you!" It's the same high-pitched voice with short words and sentences that people tend to use with a toddler who just used the potty for the first time. I'm in my 50's, by the way.

They mean well, but the undercurrent is, "Here I was expecting you to louse that up, and you surprised me and didn't." Of course, if I object, people are hurt. "Was I not supposed to compliment you?" And in all fairness, if I leaped over a major hurdle and people responded with, "Big deal. That's what you're supposed to do," I believe it would hurt my feelings.

Can compliments go overboard, or am I being oversensitive? Do other people with disabilities have the same experiences?

 

[Matthias Rose]

Thank you for sharing this perspective.

I am not disabled, but I come from a very supportive family, and I have had the experience you describe. I know what it's like when I do something that's really impressive, something that deserves praise. And I know when I do something completely ordinary, that should be ordinary, and might warrant acknowledgement -- and yet get effusive praise.

To me it undermines the value of all praise.

So, even from a different perspective, I think I know what you mean.

That said, some of the things you mention are not completely ordinary: getting a job -- that's cause for celebration in anyone's life. If you have overcome more than most to get there, it may be cause for more celebration. Similarly, learning to drive (especially a manual transmission -- if you haven't had that pleasure, it's something to "look forward to" -- or avoid). I got my first drivers license at 40. I grew up in the city never needed a car. Nonetheless, while I understood that everyone in America other than me drives on a daily basis, it felt like a real victory! A personal milestone. As it is in everyone's life. It is a right of passage. So I would allow those things to be honored in your life.

Nonetheless: if people are using that toddler tone of voice, I think it's perfectly fair and authentic of you to point it out to them. I imagine -- I hope -- they don't realize how condescending they sound, and how encouragement delivered in that way comes across as insulting. People need to learn that whatever the obstacles in your life, you are still a mature adult and you want to be treated that way.

"Thank you for your encouragement, but did you notice that tone of voice? It reminded me of when you talk to little billie. I'm a woman in my 50s, and would like to be treated like one. And yes, it was pretty awesome to get my driver's license. Thank you."

 

[Isaacsname]

I could see how that would get on your nerves

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

.

 

[Isaacsname]

You are further along with it than I am

I am 42 and have never owned a car or gotten a license

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Well, between you and Matthias, that does help me not feel like the lone ranger. Is that by your own choice, though, or because people think you can't learn, and therefore won't teach you? I have a daughter who's 31 and doesn't drive either, because of anxiety, and she herself says it's her own choice.

 

[Isaacsname]

Well, it's mainly because I don't think I need a car, plus I like walking ( Birkenstock sandals are really comfy )

As far as what other people think about my ability to learn something, I don't really fuss about it, I am more of an autodidact at heart anyways ( a self-teacher )

I have a friend who can barely talk, can't feed himself, and lives in a wheelchair, but yet he's managed to teach me some sign language and also how to use Skype