when attraction wanes

[Nico]

i'm not married, but am in a serious relationship that's moving in that direction. something has been bothering me a bit. the attraction bit. i wouldn't say my boyfriend is your standard good looking guy, not really a head-turner. but when i first met him, something about him was just so unbelievably attractive to me. i've never been overly concerned with looks anyway. and there was that indescribable *something* about him--you know the way he looked (and still looks) at me, or the way he moves, all those things. yup. i thought he was the hottest thing. it has only been 3 months that we've been dating, but we've gotten really close, and it feels a lot longer. and now the thing that i'm struggling with is that i'm not always attracted to him. there are still times, and these seem to outweigh the others, where he just is the sexiest, most attractive man to me, but there are moments when, well, i'm just not feeling it. i'm concerned for a life of marriage with him if this will be a persisting sentiment. will it mean that there will be times that i won't want to be intimiate with him? will i wish i were with someone more attractive? i guess i'm most concerned with the chance that once married, if my attraction waxes and wanes, my desiring to not have sex when the times are waning....and it seems like that would be problematic. but then. love reaches far beyond that. looks fade. atraction changes. i could be with the most beautiful boy in the world and there could be moments where i wouldn't be attracted to him....or would there? so. in your marriage. are there times when you aren't really attracted to your spouse? is that something to expect and to realize that love is something that transcends all of *that*????

 

[Jenna]

From what I've experienced, and what I've heard from many other people, attractiveness can change a bit as you get to know someone more intimately. It doesn't mean that you stop liking them, or finding them desireable, but that some habits and mannerisms can be a bit of a 'turn off'.

I doubt that there is any married couple that has 100% sexual drive and attraction ALL of the time, throughout their marriage. However, sex is more than how desireable a mate looks at one time, or whether they inhaled their breakfast like an ant eater.

I'm loathe to give any sexual advice to one who is unmarried, but let me assure you that the occassional "off" day is fine, and doesn't usually cause problems. The issues really begin to get sticky when folks make flimsy excuses for not being intimate. The connection is important. It's all about love, the action. The rest of the conversation, I will hold onto until you join the ranks of the wedded.

 

[InTheFlame]

I think it's important for you to work out what's going on in your life and relationship when you have these downturns and upturns in attraction. This can really help in married life - you'll know basically what to do to increase attraction levels when they're starting to go downhill. Some things to think about are whether you're feeling resentful at those times, or you haven't been talking about your feelings together as much, or if he hasn't been paying you as much attention, etc.

I guess I think of these sort of things as being a bit like headaches. You can just accept them as part of life, and it might not do any harm except the odd bad day. Or you can work out what triggers them and avoid most of them - and know what to take so that you feel better ASAP.

(oh dear, I think I'm having a metaphors day! )

 

[Andry]

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it's not him, it's you.

You are expecting some sort of 'feeling' or 'reaction' to overwhelm you so that you are 'attracted' to him. But the reality is, that is a choice you have to make. It's up to you.

Allow me to articulate with a rough analogy.

Not all dogs are created equal. Some dogs most people will say unanimously is pretty or beautiful. Some dogs are neither pretty nor beautiful. And some dogs are just plain ol' ugly.

Some people truly and sincerely love these ugly dogs. And in fact, find them attractive. Why?

In fact, they don't give a hoot about what others think of their ugly don't. In fact, they don't think their dog is ugly at all. In fact, they truly believe their dog is beautiful. In fact, they don't even compare how ugly their dog is to one that's pretty.

It doesn't bother them one bit. Why?

Because they chose to. And they chose to love that dog, and because love is an action word, not a 'feeling' word.

So I don't buy guys who say about their wives, "Well I don't love her or find her attractive anymore." Nuh-uh. You chose to love her when you met, and you can choose to love her now. Plain and simple.

But it's up to us to choose to love and choose to find the attraction.

 

[Jengi]

I think early in a relationship, physical attraction is very important. People are very visual. It is the thing that draws us to people in many of our relationships, not just dating relationships. In the case of your mate, you may start off with physical attraction. That changes and fades. In the long run you find that a deeper "attraction" takes over and the rest works itself out. Little things that you can't even imagine become the things that you find attractive.

 

[gracefaith]

I was not attracted to my husband's appearance when I first met him. I was attracted to his spirit, honor, intelligence, sensitivity....It was the admiration of these things that caused me to look at him one day and realize that I thought he was beautiful.

His nose will always be large and a little crooked. He isn't nearly as fit as he used to be. He may go bald. He may get fat.

But he will always be the same man with the spirit, honor, intelligence and sensitivity I fell in love with. I will see him in the light of this love even as we grow old.

 

[EmSchmem]

I'm not always overly attracted to my husband. After all he is of the boy species and frankly the boy species can be kind of gross. It goes up and down. MOST (98% I'd say) I look at my man and say "(bad word here)! What a stud I married!" Then he farts and gets all proud and "I'm like EW! Not hanky panky tonight!"
At any rate it is completely normal for the attraction to go up and down. I agree that you may want to look at specific reasons and I agree that at some point you will need to decide whether or not thisis something you can accept.

 

[Kelly]

I know you're not, but if you are building a lot of your love for someone off of attractiveness, you're in for some disappointment as you age.

I've always thought that love evolves over time, going through many seasons. There's the best friend, the lover, the sentence finisher, the helper. You can have all at once or go through times when one is dominant over the other, and seasons come back too.

Compatibility in the long run is waay more important than sexiness, imho.

 

[christalee4]

I think a lot of people today have an over-abundance of expectations when it comes to relationships; they seem to be searching for the perfect one. The person must be perfectly compatible, good-looking, always romantic, a sexual expert. There is no such thing. Perfection is love itself, and God's exhortation to fulfill that. The attraction thing will go back and forth, but there should always be that basic love, caring and affection in the marriage.

 

[Nico]

thank you for the responses, they've all been very enlightening. i agree that i have been looking at love as an emotion rather than as an action, a commitment. i have been focusing on me, rather than the other, which isn't really love at all....i really like what others have posted about the understanding of what true love is. but i'm still concerned. if there are the moments where i'm not physically attracted to my spouse, and my libido consequently diminishes during those moments, i'm worried about the interfrence with the intimacy issue. i know that sex isn't everything in a marriage. i don't know why i'm so hung up on it right now....i guess i just don't want to be that wife that just isn't in the mood. i'm worried about what lack of sex can do to a marriage. i suppose it's hard to say, since i'm not there yet. but what if i just don't want to do it anymore, b/c i'm not that physically attracted to him? i suppose i'm being ridiculous with my hypothetical questions; i apologize for that. i just don't want to be getting into a relationship that ends up having serious problems inherent in it. can i love someone, as a husband, but have my attraction wane to the point of no longer wanting to be intimate with him? do i have to put effort into that aspect of attraction? does the understanding of love, in a true way, ease those moments of unattraction? should i get out of this relationship now because i have fleeting moments of unattraction now, and that could signal problems for the future. or is that an inevitable course of relationships?

 

[Andry]

Well, from a purely physical perspective, I dare say most sane men would unanimously say that a 21 year old woman is physically more attractive than an 86 year old woman.

Yet some of these 86 year old women have husbands who love them and find them no less attractive than when they first met.

Wierd how that works, huh?

 

[EmSchmem]

thank you for the responses, they've all been very enlightening. i agree that i have been looking at love as an emotion rather than as an action, a commitment. i have been focusing on me, rather than the other, which isn't really love at all....i really like what others have posted about the understanding of what true love is. but i'm still concerned. if there are the moments where i'm not physically attracted to my spouse, and my libido consequently diminishes during those moments, i'm worried about the interfrence with the intimacy issue. i know that sex isn't everything in a marriage. i don't know why i'm so hung up on it right now....i guess i just don't want to be that wife that just isn't in the mood. i'm worried about what lack of sex can do to a marriage. i suppose it's hard to say, since i'm not there yet. but what if i just don't want to do it anymore, b/c i'm not that physically attracted to him? i suppose i'm being ridiculous with my hypothetical questions; i apologize for that. i just don't want to be getting into a relationship that ends up having serious problems inherent in it. can i love someone, as a husband, but have my attraction wane to the point of no longer wanting to be intimate with him? do i have to put effort into that aspect of attraction? does the understanding of love, in a true way, ease those moments of unattraction? should i get out of this relationship now because i have fleeting moments of unattraction now, and that could signal problems for the future. or is that an inevitable course of relationships?

Well if you with hold because of a lack of attraction, you are missing thepoint of not only marraige but of sexual intimacy as well. Sexual intimacy isn't about how hot someone is. It is a physical way to express love and intimacy. That doesn't depend on attraction waning. Like I said I am not always attracted to my husband (the no hanky panky thing was a joke by the way), but I don't let that attraction decide whether or not I either respond to or initiate sexual intimacy. In fact some of the nights I put ME and MY FEELINGS aside are our best nights of intimacy.
Itsounds like you have a LOT to consider before you proceed any further in this relationship. I also wonder how your own insecurities are playing in here. Is it possible that you are so worried about it because either you worry that he may think the same thing? Or do you worry that over time he may feel less attracted to you and his intrest in you may wane? I don't know, I may be way off base but I couldn't shake the feeling that I had to ask you to consider your own insecurities.
Nico, marriage AND sexual intimacy are wonderful wonderful things. I have experienced more grace and healing through both than I ever imagined possible. When people ask me if I'd marry my husband again if I had the chance I don't hesitate even for a second to say yes. I have seen so much of God through him. When I realize that, that makes the handsome, sexy, studly man that God created much much more attractive in my eyes. Again I can't tell you what to do but I encourage you to pray and look deeplyinto yourself before you go any further.

 

[Jenna]

I think that you're making yourself nutty over nothin', Nico. You're over analyzing a marriage that hasn't even happened yet. lol When you get your head and heart in the right place, the rest of the body follows. It doesn't matter if you are svelt and muscled, or wrinkled with your body parts sliding to your knees. If there comes a time in your marriage, should become married, just remember that you control your body- it doesn't control you. If you want to honor your husband and treat the both of you to some wonderful lovemaking, then you will. If you don't, then you won't. It is as simple as that. There is no big lesson or mystery about still wanting to touch a husband. If you love him in action, you'll find a way to communicate and make the rest fall into place as best you can. So............ stop stressing!! lol

I have to say though, your persistence on this does make a person wonder if you aren't already dealing with this (or similar) circumstance..........

 

[holyroler2]

Too worried , too soon.



Enjoy the dating part of this relationship. It may or may not lead to marriage. If you know that this person is the one you do not wish to live with out.. Then the attraction will be there.

My husband works in a factory, manufacturing juice. In the morning he wears a clean uniform and he is clean shaven. At 3:30 he is out of work and well .... huuummmmm.. attractive? He has this unusual aroma rising from his body, this marvelous stubble has popped out all over his face in 8 short hours. But yes he is still very attractive. If it is right it is right, don’t rush. BTW life is better when he showers at 4.

 

[EmSchmem]

Too worried , too soon.



Enjoy the dating part of this relationship. It may or may not lead to marriage. If you know that this person is the one you do not wish to live with out.. Then the attraction will be there.

My husband works in a factory, manufacturing juice. In the morning he wears a clean uniform and he is clean shaven. At 3:30 he is out of work and well .... huuummmmm.. attractive? He has this unusual aroma rising from his body, this marvelous stubble has popped out all over his face in 8 short hours. But yes he is still very attractive. If it is right it is right, don’t rush. BTW life is better when he showers at 4.

LOL! I can relate to this! My husband washes dishes (THANK YOU BIG BACHELOR'S DEGREE!) and the stuff they clean the machines with at the end of the day is simply disgusting. That mixed with the fact that his feet and shoes are wet! Ew!Sometimes I can smell him coming up the stairs to our building before he even comes into our apartment. ONe day he was trying to be real quiet coming up and I opened the door right before he got to it cuz he stunk so bad!

 

[Nico]

yes, i do tend to over-analyze, oh just about everything in my life. one of those blessing/curse things, i suppose. part of me is overanalyzing, i guess, b/c we have talked about the possibility of marriage. i want to make the right decision regarding marriage, since it's only gonna happen once, and i'd rather not make it more difficult....i guess i'm wondering if i would consider losing a man that is good, smart, caring, respectful, etc. b/c there are times when i'm not so attracted to him. should i wait for a man that i expect will remain unbelievably attractive in my eyes forever? does that exist? i don't want to end up 83 having waited for something that is not realistic (and i tend to be one of those unrealistic folk). but as someone mentioned, perhaps it runs much deeper than that. there are many insecurities that i have and need to address and deal with. perhaps i'm forgetting about the root, which lies in me--those insecurities, and need to tend to that before anything else. yup. got a lot to learn....

 

[Jenna]

Honey, loyalty is a choice. No matter how attractive another man may be, YOU make the choice to honor a marriage, or to enter into sin. If you are devoted to doing what God says is right, lay your life in His hands, and make a point to flee from sin- you will greatly benefit. No matter how pretty the face, it doesn't guarantee a heart of gold, or a soul dedicated to the Lord. You speak highly of your man, and I respect that. If you want this man, then be willing to dedicate yourself to being loyal, no matter what new "somebody" walks into a room. Esteem your man as the blessing that he is, and always appreciate him. Even in keeping this conversation in your head and heart, you do a great service in staving off discontentment.

 

[heartnsoul]

thank you for the responses, they've all been very enlightening. i agree that i have been looking at love as an emotion rather than as an action, a commitment. i have been focusing on me, rather than the other, which isn't really love at all....i really like what others have posted about the understanding of what true love is. but i'm still concerned. if there are the moments where i'm not physically attracted to my spouse, and my libido consequently diminishes during those moments, i'm worried about the interfrence with the intimacy issue. i know that sex isn't everything in a marriage. i don't know why i'm so hung up on it right now....i guess i just don't want to be that wife that just isn't in the mood. i'm worried about what lack of sex can do to a marriage. i suppose it's hard to say, since i'm not there yet. but what if i just don't want to do it anymore, b/c i'm not that physically attracted to him? i suppose i'm being ridiculous with my hypothetical questions; i apologize for that. i just don't want to be getting into a relationship that ends up having serious problems inherent in it. can i love someone, as a husband, but have my attraction wane to the point of no longer wanting to be intimate with him? do i have to put effort into that aspect of attraction? does the understanding of love, in a true way, ease those moments of unattraction? should i get out of this relationship now because i have fleeting moments of unattraction now, and that could signal problems for the future. or is that an inevitable course of relationships?

Hi Nico, your concern is valid. Many of us who are married (including myself) know all too well about those "off times" when sex is not desired because of marital problems or stress. The key is communication and being able to talk things out honestly and openly and resolve them with love and respect. Easy said, but all of us married folks know that it's not easy done! Marriage tends to make couples relax more and unfortunately "take each other for granted." That's the nature of the course of marriage. I'm not saying it's right or good, but most marriages are like that. It takes an enormous amount of work and effort to keep the passion alive.

What I can offer you for encouragement is this...if you want a marriage that lasts a lifetime and want a partner that you will always feel that "passion" for, then I would suggest you wait for your soulmate. God's PERFECT timing is worth waiting for. Godly marriages are based on spiritual attraction whereas man-made marriages are based on physical attraction. The godly marriages are where both partners are spiritually mature and strong in faith. That combination will keep the passion alive. God has to be at the center of the marriage in order for it to survive and last forever. Too many marriages end up being mediocre at best and passionless due to spiritual incompatibility and spiritual immaturity.

Hope that helps you. I have read many articles on soulmates. Feel free to PM me if you would like me to forward you some of the articles to read.

Keep the faith. God bless you.

 

[EmSchmem]

OH Nico honey. so many of uis have those insecurities. They really can cause us to stress ourselves out. If you are waiting for someone whom you will be attracted to every minute of everyday, you'll be waiting a LONG time. But you were able to list so many fine qualities about this man in your life. Jenna makes so many fine points, listen to her!

 

[Beth1231]

I'm not always overly attracted to my husband. After all he is of the boy species and frankly the boy species can be kind of gross. It goes up and down. MOST (98% I'd say) I look at my man and say "(bad word here)! What a stud I married!" Then he farts and gets all proud and "I'm like EW! Not hanky panky tonight!"

LOL!!!

Ok, on the more serious note....I remember thinking that my husband was attractive physically (he still is). To a certain degree, there needs to be a certain level of early "chemistry" to get through the honeymoon stage to the hard part (this is who I married and if I want change, it has to be me). I have only been married five months, but I know that part is true. There is another aspect to this, as well. Guys are more visual (as we all know). Girls on the other hand, well....if hubby is all tired and sweaty and not looking his best, he will still be attractive to me. Not so much because of his sweaty shirt or tired expression, but because he took the time to call me earlier or came over to give me a hug while I'm cooking dinner or mentioned that the house looks nice, etc. I wouldn't worry so much about whether you will find your boyfriend physically attractive 24/7. If he's a sweet, thoughtful, mature man you are going to have tons of little reasons to find him attractive. And they just keep adding up P.S One way to tell if there is that "chemistry" I was referring to is to ask yourself if the thought of kissing him (on the cheek, lips, whatever) makes you smile or makes you think twice. If you can pass this little test, then you have basic chemistry and you can start learning all the little fun things that will make him deeply attractive to you (beyond skin deep) Blessings on your journey!