What's Wrong with my Wife?

[snoochface]

When I read the part about her losing track of you at the gym and thinking you were dead in a ditch... I saw myself. So from that standpoint, I'll tell you what it looks like to me (and it's not that she is pathological, please don't say that to her because you'll just make things worse!)

It sounds very much like she has a generalized anxiety disorder. I have the same problem, and I have been working hard to make it better for the better part of a year. But it's the same sort of thing - my husband is supposed to be somewhere at a particular time, and he's late (or I lose track of him, or we miscommunicated the plans, or whatever) and the very first thing that comes into my head is that he is dead in a ditch.

Let me just say that this is not something your wife enjoys. If she is anything like me when stuff like this happens, she becomes deeply concerned, to the point of actual belief that something horrible has happened to you. Then, when she realizes that it was a simple mistake or misunderstanding, it sort of hits her that she had a huge over-reaction, and she becomes angry... at herself, at her fears, at looking foolish, whatever. And maybe she then takes it out on you. But it's not fun for her, having that kind of worry and those types of thoughts come into her head at the slightest provocation. That's why I say calling her pathological, and making it sound like she is choosing this "behavior", is going to make things worse. With an anxiety disorder of this nature, she's not choosing anything. It's just how her mind works.

Has she had a lot of loss in her life, either through death, or lost relationships, etc? That's been part of the issue with me and my anxiety disorder, and my therapist seems to think it is quite common. It's also very much a control issue. She (and I) wants to be in control of everything, because when something is out of her control, she feels like it's inevitable that something horrible is going to happen (for example, you'll have a heart attack if you go off your diet, so she has to control you staying on your diet). Learning to give up that control, to give it to God, is the only thing that has helped my anxiety in any way.

So first I would say to try to understand your wife from this perspective, because if she is suffering from an anxiety disorder, it's not something she has a whole lot of control over. Next, I would recommend suggesting that she see a behavioral or cognitive therapist to get some help with her anxiety. And last, of course, I would encourage her to pray, and to try to turn some of that need for control over to God.

Be patient with her, go with her to therapy if she's willing to go, and try to bear with her as she tries to get better. I know from experience that when you are trying to learn to give up control, your first tendency is to try to hold on even tighter - so things get worse for a little while before they get better. But they can get better, with work and patience and trust in God. Good luck with this.

 

[Katydid]

Snoochface, I couldn't agree more with your post. What I would say, is that if you feel that bringing this issue up to her, asking her to get help, would make things worse, then you have to make this seem totally benign. What I mean is, rather than saying, "honey, I think you may have a problem, maybe you should see someone", say "honey, we seem to be having trouble communicating and I don't know how to fix it. Would you go with me to a counselor to see how I can improve things", which by the way, if she does have an anxiety disorder, you do need to do. Then, the counselor can observe, and talk to both of you and recommend that she may need to see someone, or he/she, may be able to provide coping skills for both of you to deal with this. I get freaked out in public anytime I am seperated from my husband, though not to the degree that I think he is in a ditch. So, if we are meeting somewhere, we set a time and a place and HE knows that I will be there and I WON'T MOVE until he shows up. It took us a while to realize that this worked, but only because it left the responsibility on HIM to meet me. I actually cannot handle it the other way around. Maybe you two could work with a counselor to find compromises like this, and they may be able to diagnose the problem more acurately.

 

[If Not For Grace]

. I get freaked out in public anytime I am seperated from my husband, though not to the degree that I think he is in a ditch.


FAITH also takes practice. I had to learn to let God be God. In my Case, MOSTLY it was #2 Son. (Alcoholic and Drug Abuser). Tried everything. Nothing Worked. He drove drunk (13 DUI's) He had wrecks, got in fights. I was so afraid he was going to kill himself or someone else, I was loosing my mind.

As previously stated the only thing that worked was to LET GOD. Plus I had to realize FEAR is not in aligment with God's WILL. I said what's the worst thing that can happen? (He's Dead and Killed 5 other people and they all suffered, ok?) What could I do (Nothing) What good did worry do (None). Could I have stopped it (No, talked, cried, preached till blue in the face).

Also when I got Honest with myself, thinking I could FIX everything that went wrong (or could go wrong) with my family, was pretty VAIN of me, was it not?
Did I think I had all that POWER, (must have).

Anyway this will sound hard to some of you, but I realized He's either DEAD, (out of my hands for sure) IN JAIL (that's why they have em) in a Hospital (I'm no Dr.) or OK. (boy did I waste my time). ALL anxiety is FEAR based. We need to look at that and resolve the FEARS. (Fears about what can/could happen are a slap in the face to MY God, and I sure don't want to do that)...

JMO but you all ask your therapists, I'd be interested to see what they think about my logic.

 

[Katydid]

Most therapists actually agree. The thing is, our brains send out chemicals that trigger certain feelings. If our brains "malfunction" so to say, then too much of a certain chemical, or not enough of it, gets fired off. This shows up in psychological and many times physcal symptoms. The answer "Let go and let God" sounds good, but is not always plausible. Think of it this way, if someone has diabetes, we don't tell them to "Let go and let God", we tell them "God helps those who help themselves, so take your insulin". Anxiety disorders are the EXACT same thing, a chemical misfire causing symptoms. Not as fatal as a diabetic, but none the less, just as real. For some reason the Christian community on average, or at least what I have seen, seems to gloss over the fact that mental diseases are DISEASES, regardless of the fact that they occur in our brains. Prayer helps, but when you get those misfires, you will have a reaction. There is nothing wrong with seeking medical help for that. Not any more than a diabetic seeking medical help, and until people (in general) stop putting the stigma on getting treatment, more people are going to have unresolved, escalating problems. Getting help does not make you less faithful. If anything, the strength to get help shows that you do put your faith in God, not in man's image of what you are seen as.

 

[isaiah5213]

mr wesley,

i read your post and right off i wondered if she has had female difficulties. her reaction sounds purely physical--like hormonal. but don't tell her that the way i am writing it. -i edited it 3 times, before it looked like this.

but then i got to thinking and this totally sounds like me. and my reactions to me are reasonable, & my husband just this morning ordered me to a doctor to rule out a physical issue. (lol! )

you and your wife together make one of me. if that were to happen to me, where i was to meet you in a gym, and i get there and i don't see you, i would flip out. here is my problem tho. i would think the worse case scenario, because when i am to meet someone somewhere, then i depend on them to be there. now, i see the scriptures and i see it saying "let your yes be yes, and your no be no. be a man/woman of your word. but others look at me and feel i am distorting the scriptures to cover my anger and fear. and sadly, they are right. sadly, my underlying fear is that i hate being in strange places alone. it scares me. i know where it comes from. i know why i have it. but it doesn't take away that fear, if i don't prepare myself for it. don't get me wrong. i do go to strange places, different places when i need to. but i handle it well if i know i have to do it--in fact, i don't even think about it when i know i will be by myself. but it is a different story if i am to meet someone there, and they are a no-show. these and several other issues i had, i only master thru a daily reading of the Bible. really. old testament scriptures are great for "be strong. do not be afraid. i am with you." if your wife has been reading her bible daily, have you noticed that she has slacked off? if so, why? really encourage, maybe push her to start or restart having a daily quiet time. that will get her to see more and more scriptures where God takes care of everything for her. she doesn't have to worry, or be in control, and she can better handle the out of control attacks..

the diet thing?? lol! i have done that to my husband too! because it blows the food budget. because i am the cook. because when he goes on a diet, i am doing all the work!! lol! i have to count the calories. i have to buy the right foods, prepare the menus, etc etc etc. so i get really grouchy at all that hard work i do, then low and behold he is eating my kid's snacks--which i send w/their lunches to school! lol! but because of how hard i work when he says "i am on a diet" I am the one who is proud, and i am the one who gloats, and think it is all because of me, not because of him, nor to the glory of God... sad of me. currently i have backed off my husband. but also currently, he is gaining weight.. lol! it figures!

but then i read my scriptures, i go back to my husband and really apologize to him. --make sure you get your wife to a doctor to check out her female system. make sure that this is not a physical problem, hormonal or otherwise, before you recommend a counselor. and be gentle about recommending a counselor. in fact, if she shows change by reading her scripture, then in my opinion, you don't have to worry about the counselor at all...

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Counseling.
Intelligence has no bearing on ability to communicate.
I think this would be very helpful.

 

[If Not For Grace]

. The thing is, our brains send out chemicals that trigger certain feelings. If our brains "malfunction" so to say, then too much of a certain chemical, or not enough of it, gets fired off.

Agreed, Like Worry causes Ulcers. But treating with an antiacid is putting a band aide on the problem.


"Let go and let God" sounds good, but is not always plausible. Think of it this way, if someone has diabetes, we don't tell them to "Let go and let God", we tell them "God helps those who help themselves, so take your insulin". Anxiety disorders are the EXACT same thing,

Letting God is always plausible. Mental Disorders OFTEN have mental cures, or coping SKILLS will almost always help bring relief to the problem. What I am suggesting, is that before you take your car to a mechanic, (beacuse it won't crank) is to check the battery cables, see if you have gas, etc.

There is nothing wrong with seeking medical help for that.

By All means I agree

 

[Katydid]

Letting God is always plausible.

I didn't say that very well, what I meant is that sometimes it is more difficult than that phrase makes it out to be. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that you can't let God handle things, just that it isn't always that simple.