What's Wrong with my Wife?

[Mr Wesley]

Deleted.

 

[searle29678]

Wow, I wish I knew what to say. Have you explained to her how you feel about this? I realize it could mean a major upset for her, but I think it's necassary to share with her how you are feeling. I doubt she does it on purpose. I know in my life there are things I have done repeatedly that I had no clue bothered anyone until someone told me about it.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Wow-sounds like your wife is in the "emotionally high needs" category! How long have you been married and are you both christian?

 

[If Not For Grace]

Please don't take this wrong, but you said it yourself

It comes down to trust. It sounds like she has control issues. (I have them myself-been working on it for years). If that is the case just telling her how you feel may help you feel better, but it is unlikely to change anything she does. (Cause she's only doing it cause she cares, Right?)

Set boundaries. Don't ask her tell her. If you want to buy a book, (I'm assuming the power bill is paid, etc.) buy the book. It's your diet.
Do not Lie to her, but tell her what she defines as caring you see as nagging.

If she's a Christian, you might remind her to "Let Go, and Let God" sometimes.Be nice just remind her "I'm a Big Boy, Now" or something that let's her know she's invaded your space. By the same token, don't rely on her for things you can do for yourself. Start small and grow.

She means well, she just oversteps. You can be in charge of how far, but it will be a bit of a battle at first. I wanted to take care of my man and be everything he needed (=Love). But it boiled down to driving us both insane. I had to learn to live a little independant from him and realize he was a grown man (and was supposed to be the BOSS). He is just such a gentle man, HE woke me up by telling me affectionately, I was alot like his Mom (not the person, I most wanted to be like, she's overbearing, ...but HE loves her and me too-thank GOD.) ANyway. Find a way to let her know you love her, and that she is first in your life already. Mine did and it's been great for BOTH of us.

I though being needed mean being loved. I found out he just loves me anyway, and that I AM the one who needs him.

 

[Mr Wesley]

Wow-sounds like your wife is in the "emotionally high needs" category! How long have you been married and are you both christian?

Oh, yeah. Outside of this, really strong Christians, I think. You wouldn't believe the level we're involved with our church (I'm not a pastor or an elder, but we're up there). And, generally, when we talk, I think we're pretty good at communicating. That is, when I look around her need to know everything and she looks around my tendency to not pay close enough attention.

And yeah, we've had this talk. That's the part that really makes my stomach hurt. We've had this talk a couple of times. What usually happens is this: I try to explain what's going on in my head, but I can't explain it to her in a way that makes sense to her, then she gets frustrated and defensive and starts asking pointed questions, which makes me frustrated and angry. Then we start arguing, and I finally lay things out as bluntly as I can, rolling over her emotions. Then she starts crying, saying that she's a terrible person, and I end up apologizing and saying I didn't mean it and please forgive me.

We just can't seem to get past this. She's been crying a lot over the past few months. And I'm afraid we're going to have this conversation again tonight, and the same thing will happen all over again.

 

[searle29678]

You can't apologize for this. I think she needs to realize that you aren't telling her to accuse her of being awful or make her feel bad. You are telling her to help your relationship and the state of your marriage. Pray about it before you even open your mouth. Let God lead you to say the right words, if you need to say any at all.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Hmm, I wonder if they are manipulative tears?! We did a thread about this not too long ago. Doesn't sound like you guys are having SERIOUS issues, just annoying ones! How long have you been married? Does she at least try to improve after you have talks? Sometimes if talking in person doesn't go over well, a written letter or an email may be better received.... just don't include a bunch of "I's" and "you's"

 

[Lorie]

OK, another thought. Anxiety disorder?? maybe she should see a doctor first.

 

[Mr Wesley]

Deleted

 

[Mr Wesley]

Deleted

 

[Mirelys]

Hmmm...How secure is she being herself? If she is insecure, maybe she sees your need to have an identity as a sort of rejection.

I agree it's important that you don't apologize when you haven't done anything wrong. She needs to learn what normal behavior is. If her family is like this, she may not know what that looks like. If she will go to a counselor, that would be great; whether she does or not, you should consider it. Even though she is the one who is not behaving normally, it might help you to have a professional's opinion on how to deal with her.

Instead of waiting until both of you are upset, perhaps you should talk to her before things get bad...sometime when she's calm. If she cries, don't apologize...but do tell her how much you love her, as many times as it takes.

You mentioned not asking permission before buying a book---you might want to restructure the finances a bit so that you both have a little spending money (providing it fits into the budget, of course). My husband and I finally had to do that, because he's a little nuts when it comes to me buying stuff that he just doesn't understand (like hair stuff, perfume, etc). If you two have separate interests--and I hope you do---that could give you a little more freedom.

Good luck

 

[Yitzchak]

It sounds to me like your wife has poor coping skills whne she becomes emotionally overwhelmed. I would work on that angle .

 

[gracefaith]

Oh, no. I am totally sure that they're not intentional. She's got a couple of severe manipulators in her family, and she's lived her whole life trying to not be like them. It just killed her in the past when I tried to explain things to her by comparing her to other family members.

It sounds to me like your wife is still suffering from her upbringing. Manipulation is basically a form of emotional abuse and those who grow up in such an enivronment often end up with bad programming. You're trained to act and react in unhealthy ways. Sometimes people manage to unlearn these habits themselves. Sometimes outside help is necessary. Your wife's case may be the latter.

If this is the case, it must be approached with compassion and sympathy. She obviously already knows that her programming is faulty and is frustrated that she can't stop herself from being a certain way. This is, first and foremost, for her happiness and health, but she will be learning her new programming with you, so perhaps you should seek counseling together.

 

[WashedClean]

Oh, yeah. Outside of this, really strong Christians, I think. You wouldn't believe the level we're involved with our church (I'm not a pastor or an elder, but we're up there).

OK, first of all, if you're both Christians, then she needs to trust God more. Worry is a lack of faith. I'm usually not this blunt, but...

If you've never given her a reason not to trust you, then she's not being rational. Sometimes intelligent people think they are so independent. You mentioned that she's often three steps ahead of everyone else. I have this problem at times. She needs to take a deep breath and step back. God is in control. Not her. Definitely see control issues here. Someone else mentioned an anxiety disorder, that could be a possibility.

 

[InTheFlame]

Yikes

OK, I suspect what you guys need is a few sessions with someone to guide you through conversations with each other, and help you work out a game plan for dealing with this problem together. Preferably a trained counsellor.

Your other option is reading books together or apart. I'd recommend practically anything by Drs Cloud and Townsend. They're christian psychologists (or psychiatrists? can't remember) with some fantastic insights on life and relationships. I'm reading God Can Make A Way atm, which might be a good start for you. Or Boundaries, or Boundaries in Marriage. Or Boundaries Face to Face - I haven't read this one but from what I've read it's about having difficult conversations with people, without attacking them or causing more problems.

 

[Yitzchak]

Yikes

OK, I suspect what you guys need is a few sessions with someone to guide you through conversations with each other, and help you work out a game plan for dealing with this problem together. Preferably a trained counsellor.

Your other option is reading books together or apart. I'd recommend practically anything by Drs Cloud and Townsend. They're christian psychologists (or psychiatrists? can't remember) with some fantastic insights on life and relationships. I'm reading God Can Make A Way atm, which might be a good start for you. Or Boundaries, or Boundaries in Marriage. Or Boundaries Face to Face - I haven't read this one but from what I've read it's about having difficult conversations with people, without attacking them or causing more problems.

I second this advice.....

 

[bliz]

Agreed!

Both of you need to go for some counseling - probably together and seperatly. Together the two of you are getting into some unhealthy patterns of behavior and it sounds like neither of you is being very loving toward each other. You sound more like you are compeating against each other than working together.

Sure, it sounds like your wife has some problems she needs to overcome and she could use some professional help in doing so. But at the same time, you clearly feel a need to point out that she was wrong and exactly where she went wrong... I don't know about her, but I feel like my father is yelling at me all over again!

Seek out a professional CHristian counselor.

 

[heartnsoul]

All the advice here has been wonderful! I agree that both of you need some marital counseling and individual counseling. I think your wife may have some childhood issues to sort out that are causing her to overreact and be controlling without her even realizing it. The other issue is her insecurity. Granted, you may have contributed to her insecurities, but whatever insecurity she had before, the marital issues further compounded *her* issues. So it wouldn't be a bad idea for her to seek counseling to work through those issues. Otherwise, you will (unknowingly) be "co-dependent" to her issues and as a result, end up as your are now-- in a destructive, negative, unhealthy and ungodly marriage.

So counseling for yourself will also help you understand what are "HEALTHY boundaries/behaviors" for a relationship. Loving and tolerating her in *your*own way is not good enough. The type of love that should be present in your marriage is *God's* way of loving. That goes for both you and your wife. Neither one of you are honoring the marriage vows as God intended. The marriage needs to glorify God and God needs to be at the *center* of the marriage. However, as long as there are issues that need to be ironed out and your wife has to be in control, then there is no room for God to reign in your lives. Forgive me if what I am saying is too honest.

I will keep you in my prayers. May you both find a way to get help so that the both of you can begin healing individually so that both of your hearts can open to receive & give God's love.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Any suggestions?

I suggest that you two might want to go see a marriage consellor if this creates a strain on your marriage. If you are really concerned for her you might go to a psychologist to rule out any mental conditions.

The American Psychological Association should be a good starting point for you to investiage this further.

Diane

 

[FaithAlone]

Oh, yeah. Outside of this, really strong Christians, I think. You wouldn't believe the level we're involved with our church (I'm not a pastor or an elder, but we're up there).

I don't have much advice to give but just remember that being very active in church doesn't equal salvation. I'm not saying that you guys aren't both saved but make sure both of you are confident in you relationships with Christ. Just a little side note. I'll be praying for you.