what's wrong with me???

[NoDoubt]

I'm going through so much right now!

I'm diagnosed bi-polar, have BPD, obsessive-compulsive, I keep going from high to low (on a roller-coaster ride). I have a hoarding problem (can't let go of possessions and it's becoming a problem)...everyone is on my back and telling me what to do. My finances are a mess, my brother commited suicide in November and I feel guilty about it even though I know i could not have stopped him (his mind was made up).

I tell hurtful things to people which I later regret. Some forgive, but others don't.

Right now I am feeling very down and I am a failure and i NEVER meet up to anyone's expectations and I know that everyone judges me and looks down on me, they always have. My brain never stops working and I feel so defeated sometimes and useless and tired.

Sorry for the vent.

 

[Maranatha27]

Wow you like beating yourself up.

 

[Alaskamomma]

Hey Maranatha, I think you are being a little bit judgmental here which is not what is needed in NoDoubt's situation. This is a support forum. Nuff said.

NoDoubt, try your best to dwell on the good things that are goin on in your life right now. Allow yourself to forgive those who don't understand you or your illness. Forgive yourself by understanding you can't always be on the top of your game. You will have down days. Allow yourself to grieve.

I will be saying a prayer for you. Hold your head up.

 

[Everlasting33]

I'm going through so much right now!

I'm diagnosed bi-polar, have BPD, obsessive-compulsive, I keep going from high to low (on a roller-coaster ride). I have a hoarding problem (can't let go of possessions and it's becoming a problem)...everyone is on my back and telling me what to do. My finances are a mess, my brother commited suicide in November and I feel guilty about it even though I know i could not have stopped him (his mind was made up).

I tell hurtful things to people which I later regret. Some forgive, but others don't.

Right now I am feeling very down and I am a failure and i NEVER meet up to anyone's expectations and I know that everyone judges me and looks down on me, they always have. My brain never stops working and I feel so defeated sometimes and useless and tired.

Sorry for the vent.

My heart goes out to you It sounds like things are really tough for you and you may even feel powerless and very anxious. Although you may feel very bad right now do not forget how precious and worthwhile that you are. I know you are.

Are you seeing a psychologist? Therapy may be very beneficial and I know (BA in psychology) that medications are VERY helpful with bipolar disorder.

I will say a prayer for you. God Bless

 

[Tenebrae]

Can I suggest a couple of things



No amount of self flagelation(beating oneself up) will undo those things in the past that you are stressed and ruminating over. Its not easy to take our view of the past and stop looking at the future however it is possible. for me when I was able to start stop beating myself up for all the things I had done wrong (and believe me there were many) and start focusing on how I could do things differently in the future.


And seccondly rather than making big goals and kicking yourself up when you dont meet that goal, to make a small achievable goal that you can achieve. when you find that you can make some of those small goals, it will give you confidence to try other things


Its the one thing that was really helpful to me as well, with self harm. When I made it for a day, I sort out to go for a couple of days. Once I'd made that goal I set out to aim for a week. Before I knew it, I had managed to go for a month and then a couple of months, and then six months and so on


Its also something we use with our clients. They form long term goals, such as getting back to work, or going on a holiday and then developing a series of short term goals that work towards those long term goals

You can do it
recovery is possible

 

[Alive again]

Dear one, so much of what you said is so familiar. But hopefully you know by now that those feelings though real can lie to you as when you are not depressed or when a med kicks in those feelings can fade. You learn with bp that these ups and downs are there, and what works for you in coping with them. But when those thoughts of worthlessness and failure haunt you, run to the truth of God's Word that clearly tells you you are loved and worthwhile, guilt is forgiven at the cross and covered and gone! You are beloved , you are not alone, etc and let these truths wash thru you and give you the strength to step by step fight for wellness and recovery as suggested so well by others here.

Hugs and prayers and feel free to come and vent here anytime. May you find the suppor tyou need for your grief and your illness.

 

[4Everloved]

It's okay to vent. You should be able to come here and say how you feel without fear of retribution.

We've all been there, No Doubt, or at least somewhere close. Just three words:

God is able.

 

[NoDoubt]

Thank you all for your replies. I really am on a roller-coaster ride and was in one of my down moods when I posted.

I am under a doctor's care and on meds (Lamictal for now) as well as trying some cognitive behaviour modification techniques, but prayer and reading the Word is essential of course.

I don't think my medication is working very well and probably the dosage has to be adjusted. One scary story: the doctor had me on lithium during the summer and I went into some sort of toxic shock. Had to be hospitalized, put on dialysis, was completely unresponsive and in intensive care for 3 days. It was a close call.

Anyways, thank you all again. Things will work out.

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.

 

[4Everloved]

It sounds like you are already doing better...I'm glad.