What's my problem?

[Habakkuk]

I've been going out with this girl now for quite some time, and am completely taken with her. However, in her previous relationship, which lasted 9 months, she gave up her virginity. For some reason, this urks me. They didn't start having sex until their 8-month anniversary, and were caught by her boyfriend's mother right before their 9th (he's the kind of guy who'll be living with his mother for the rest of his life), making it almost a month. Through that month, they had sex 10 times (in her boyfriend's living room, I might add). Some of the stuff that I've considered as possibilities for my inability to leave it behind are:
1. She's not the kind of person who you'd expect to do that, so I wonder what else she might have done outside of her expected character (however, I trust her completely... so....)
2. I don't know why she did it; by the time they had sex, she already liked me and had fought with her boyfriend because he knew she liked me; that and he didn't treat her too well... he yelled at her often and tried to control who she could and couldn't talk to (however, she told him she wouldn't leave him for me, which she didn't... long story)
3. I can't imagine what she thought as she did it and when she went home after doing it (she still lives with her parents)
4. Her ex-boyfriend was using her for sex; throughout the relationship, they did the oral stuff, and it seems to me that he'd prefer her head down there than on level with his own (I don't see why, she's beautiful) and that right after they had sex, she asked him to tell nobody, but he BEGGED her to let him tell his friends, and thus it got around school

She doesn't want to talk about it becuase she hates the memory of it, and she REALLY doesn't like me contemplating her past relationships, so I've decided to seek council. That part was a bit difficult because she wants as few people to know about it as possible, hence why I left our names uknown.

If you guys could offer any help or advice that might help me solve my problem here, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Erwin]

Wrong forum mate. Post this in Couples, or in Advice. Not here. This place is for CF Suggestions and Bugs.

 

[MartinM]

Well, he is looking for suggestions...

 

[Blessed-one]

moved.

 

[enslow]

1. Give it time.

2. Pray lots.

Enslow

 

[katelyn]

I sent you a PM.

 

[jenptcfan]

I've been going out with this girl now for quite some time, and am completely taken with her. However, in her previous relationship, which lasted 9 months, she gave up her virginity. For some reason, this urks me. They didn't start having sex until their 8-month anniversary, and were caught by her boyfriend's mother right before their 9th (he's the kind of guy who'll be living with his mother for the rest of his life), making it almost a month. Through that month, they had sex 10 times (in her boyfriend's living room, I might add). Some of the stuff that I've considered as possibilities for my inability to leave it behind are:
1. She's not the kind of person who you'd expect to do that, so I wonder what else she might have done outside of her expected character (however, I trust her completely... so....)
2. I don't know why she did it; by the time they had sex, she already liked me and had fought with her boyfriend because he knew she liked me; that and he didn't treat her too well... he yelled at her often and tried to control who she could and couldn't talk to (however, she told him she wouldn't leave him for me, which she didn't... long story)
3. I can't imagine what she thought as she did it and when she went home after doing it (she still lives with her parents)
4. Her ex-boyfriend was using her for sex; throughout the relationship, they did the oral stuff, and it seems to me that he'd prefer her head down there than on level with his own (I don't see why, she's beautiful) and that right after they had sex, she asked him to tell nobody, but he BEGGED her to let him tell his friends, and thus it got around school

She doesn't want to talk about it becuase she hates the memory of it, and she REALLY doesn't like me contemplating her past relationships, so I've decided to seek council. That part was a bit difficult because she wants as few people to know about it as possible, hence why I left our names uknown.

If you guys could offer any help or advice that might help me solve my problem here, it would be greatly appreciated.

Hi there.

Exactly how long have you been going out with her?

She can't go back and change her past. Obviously she's hurt by her past and that's why she doesn't want to rehash what happens (though you've gotten tons of details, so my guess is that you've talked about this with her more than once). If she has repented before God, and God has forgiven her, you really need to forgive her (COMPLETELY LET GO) and move on. If you can't forgive her, there's no sense of continuing on in the relationship if you're going to hold her past over her head forever. What's the point of that anyway? And how do you think that makes her feel?

It's one thing to realize in your own heart that you've made a terrible mistake that you can't take back....then to turn to God and be washed white as snow (it takes awhile to convince yourself that it's even possible to be forgiven if you're really hurt by your past)...and then she has to turn around and know that you still consider her a sinner or somehow dirtied by her past. That's not fair to her and you have no idea what kind of pain that can cause someone.

If it's truly important to you that you marry a virgin (though you haven't even mentioned if you plan on marrying this girl), then date virgins. Avoid relationships with people who have sinned sexually. But don't date a girl who has a past and then rehash her past over and over again because you're "urked".

And by the way, there is no "kind of person" who falls into sexual sin. It's not reserved for just "loose" girls/guys or anything like that. We are fallen human beings and we all sin in some way or another. For some people, they fall sexually, for others, it may be something else. But other types of sin are no less damning (without the Grace of God) that sexual sin.

I don't mean that to sound harsh. I think you're probably a really good guy who just needs to deal with these issues and figure out if it's worth staying in the relationship.

**just a pointer though, probably the fewer details you know about her sexual encounters, the better. Did you really need to know that she had sex 10 times and the location of it and all that? Try to avoid that morbid curiosity so your mind won't tend to meditate on the details.

 

[MusicMelOU]

You're going to have to learn to forgive her completely, and that is something you can't do on your own. You need God to help you with that. It's not going to be overnight or anything like that; it's going to take a lot of painstaking time. If you trust God, He will work things out to be the way that they are supposed to be, whether it means staying together and working through this or maybe even breaking up.

I apologize for a vague answer, but that's all the advice I can give you. You have to look to God for help about this kind of stuff, not other humans.

 

[Habakkuk]

We've only been going out 5 months, and I know... it's too early to be considering marriage and all... but I'm absolutely taken with her, although I'm not planning anything. Originally, I did hope to marrying a virgin. However, I've reallized that I shouldn't pass up the possibilibity with an excellent girl just because she's made a few mistakes.

I don't mention it at all to her. I try not to think about it. I certainly don't hold it over her head, but sometimes, always when I'm not around her, I just can't get it out of my own. She wants it forgotten, as do I. Time is healing it, but every now and then, it resurfaces. I just want to know what causes the pain and how to get it to stop. But as Enslow said... prayer and time should do the healing.

All of the details that I know came from her ex. He's a major horndog. That's all he'd talk about before they got together and especially after their 8-month anniversary.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Christ-likeness heals all wounds.

Forgive as you have been forgiven. Forget as God has forgotton.

 

[1Cor6:19-20]

Forgive as you have been forgiven... Forget as God has forgotten!

I agree with DaveKerwin, but hey
Habakkuk, this really concerns me, because you shouldn't let one's past consume your thoughts. That's totally satan's doing trying to ruin your relationship with your girl. And if all the details that you have heard about her and her ex came from her ex what are you doing listening to him. You better not be asking him for these details either because that's not making matters any better between you two. And when the time comes that she feels ready to share her feelings about what happened then she'll come to you and talk to you, but till then you should respect her past and her emotions and not dwell on them if you really are taken by her, because it's only keeping her from moving on. Rely on God and let Him take control of this situation. If God is in the center of your guys's relationship then everything is going to be okay. Remember ALL have fallen short of the glory of God. If we have all sinned then who are we to look down on others for their sins. Her sins aren't worse than yours they are balanced. I used to look down on Christians who weren't virgins because I am a virgin, but then I remembered Christ paid for all sin the same way. Meaning my sins are just as bad as any other person's. When we repent and ask for forgiveness with a whole heart those sins no longer exist to God. Isn't our goal, as Christians, to be Christ-like then why aren't you forgetting those sins as well ?!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Things happen when you're young. Considering it took this girl 8 months tells me the guy had to work on her pretty hard. I don't know him, but maybe he as well lost his head over time.
We all make mistakes.

 

[Tenorvoice]

I look at it from the side of the realy high divorce rate in America today. If she was not willing to wait for the wedding night (Fornication out of wedlock) to loose her virginity. they who it so say that she will not do the same in a marriage.

Is this not the reason that people "date" to find that "special" someone?? Who they will one day marry??

But aside from all that CHrist will forgive this sin just like any other sin and we are to do the same.

Also read the book of Hosea

peace