This is my first post, and the first time I've actually opened up to anyone, so I'll try my best to be brief...
I've come to the point in my life where there is absolutely no sensible and logical reason for myself to continue living. I'm in my mid-thirties, in between jobs, and shamefully, I'm living at home with my parents due partially to financial reasons.
Right now, I am disgusted with myself and my situation and hate everything about my life, and the concept of life itself. I never, ever reach out for help or show my feelings, but I thought that since this might as well be the last time, I really have nothing to lose.
I used to be a positive individual. I used to love the prospect that life would change each year, sometimes for the better, but it never did. Gradually, it always got worst.
Now, I absolutely abhor life. I hate most people, and by most, I mean pretty much everyone and anyone I come in contact with. I have been used, abused and treated like garbage. And so, even the mere idea of conversing with someone longer than 5 minutes is too much to handle. I want to vomit.
I've completely cut myself off from society. I never go out, join clubs, socialize or even engage in any form of communication through social media sites. I'm a quiet observer. And I do not like what I see or hear.
I would have sought help through friends, but alas I have none here due to my years of extensive travel. In truth, I have never had the blessings of close friendships.
My passions and hobbies have gone by the wayside and I cannot muster the strength to actually show some kind of interest in anything. I had an exceptionally strong passion for film-making, which was the glue in my life which bonded my character, purpose and kept me inspired. I took a leap of faith, trusted in god, and some years back I tried hard to push through my creative work to international agencies but each time I failed miserably.
Currently, I live in a country which my parents brought me to as a child, and I absolutely can't stand being here. Never have, never will. I hate the culture, and have no intention of integrating anymore. It's isolated, retrograde and shows no promise of one day ever becoming a nation I would be proud to call home. Likewise, my homeland has become a disaster. A breeding ground for muslims and undesirables whose only wish is to dismantle its proud heritage and the country's general infrastructure.
I have a deep resentment for my parents, who have messed my life around persistently with their childish on-again off-again relationship, whereby I have to run around, console, and show genuine concern and invest myself physically and financially to support them through their approaching retirement. Recently, I wish I could say such generous and concerted gestures have been reciprocal, but alas that's not the case. I've become conditioned to their self-absorbed manner, and regrettably have resided to the fact that I don't even have my family to turn to. In truth, my parents have given up on me. I'm not the person they envisioned I would become. I'm nothing to be proud of.
I want to break away, but I have nowhere to go. I'm buying lottery tickets every week, building my hopes up, dreaming of a life where I could finally afford independence, dignity and self-respect. Of course, the dream ends when the national lottery increases again the next week. I've always been free-spirited at heart, and thus is the reason as to why I cannot take this anymore.
I don't enjoy being like this, but recently, I cannot stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I see myself getting older, looking more tired, depressed and angry. After all, I am a miserable failure with zero prospects. And physically, it's showing on my face and posture. I can't remember the last time where I actually genuinely laughed without partially faking it.
Weeks ago, I wrote a lengthy draft post for this site, pleading for any advice... I deleted it the next morning as I hated the sound of myself on paper. A whining, pathetic individual. But yet, there was no glaring solution to my problem. I am still trapped. Thus is why I am here again.
To sum it up, my draft described a pitiful expose on my stupid life. It detailed everything that went wrong since day one. My extremely short-term relationships, and years of loneliness and solitude. The fact that every date I've been on had gone miserably wrong, despite being up-beat, positive, courteous and showing genuine interest in their less than exceptional lives. Still, the morning after rejection phone texts came hastily after each date, all expressing the same desire to not meet again. Although, they assured me I was a nice person to talk with. Yeah, right. I've been single for many years, and its starting to take its toll on me. I realize now that because of my social stature and lack of accomplishments, I have become undesirable to the opposite sex. I cannot financially provide for a partner, and facilitate a lifestyle which pretty young things are being conditioned to expect from a prospective spouse. In truth, I am completely unnecessary and superfluous for their crusade for better homes and gardens, forbes monthly and the fortune 500 club.
Despite my efforts to progress in life, find a companion, friends, further my career, it's all gone belly up. I've wasted so much money on business ventures, travel, and needs, not wants. All to end up here, in the very place that I swore I would leave.
I genuinely feel that I'm cursed. My mother seems to agree, but that's the extent of her comforting and input. There's no encouragement from her. Just her usual pity-party, and moving the spotlight back onto her. After all, what advice could she possibly give to a mid-thirties burn-out who is just a hinderance to her. Yet, I'm conveniently necessary when her life goes sour.
Now, I'm an angry, bitter, extremely cynical and contentious individual who has completely given up on god, humanity, life and hope itself. I have lost my compassion, and am dangerously apathetical to all situations that continue to arise.
I used to believe that god had a plan for everyone, but now I know that's just nonsense, and a way to keep people in church so they keep tithing. After all, money makes the horse trot.
Not once can I really recall god ever answering my humble and desperate prayers. In retrospect, I can see its all been a sick and cruel joke perpetrated on the west to keep the masses in check lest they discover the hopelessness and randomness of life.
In truth, god does not answer prayers. If he does exist, we are just the excess of his creation. Little ants scurrying around which one can admire, but never really care about if we stood on them. The ones he does choose, live a life which has been planned only for his own needs. The rest mean nothing.
So, my questions:
1. Am I living under a generational curse?
2. Why should I bother getting up tomorrow morning, why not get it over with?
I thank you for your time. I rarely am afforded with even a modicum of attention or counselling, and just this once could use some earnest advice.
Thank you.
I've come to the point in my life where there is absolutely no sensible and logical reason for myself to continue living. I'm in my mid-thirties, in between jobs, and shamefully, I'm living at home with my parents due partially to financial reasons.
Right now, I am disgusted with myself and my situation and hate everything about my life, and the concept of life itself. I never, ever reach out for help or show my feelings, but I thought that since this might as well be the last time, I really have nothing to lose.
I used to be a positive individual. I used to love the prospect that life would change each year, sometimes for the better, but it never did. Gradually, it always got worst.
Now, I absolutely abhor life. I hate most people, and by most, I mean pretty much everyone and anyone I come in contact with. I have been used, abused and treated like garbage. And so, even the mere idea of conversing with someone longer than 5 minutes is too much to handle. I want to vomit.
I've completely cut myself off from society. I never go out, join clubs, socialize or even engage in any form of communication through social media sites. I'm a quiet observer. And I do not like what I see or hear.
I would have sought help through friends, but alas I have none here due to my years of extensive travel. In truth, I have never had the blessings of close friendships.
My passions and hobbies have gone by the wayside and I cannot muster the strength to actually show some kind of interest in anything. I had an exceptionally strong passion for film-making, which was the glue in my life which bonded my character, purpose and kept me inspired. I took a leap of faith, trusted in god, and some years back I tried hard to push through my creative work to international agencies but each time I failed miserably.
Currently, I live in a country which my parents brought me to as a child, and I absolutely can't stand being here. Never have, never will. I hate the culture, and have no intention of integrating anymore. It's isolated, retrograde and shows no promise of one day ever becoming a nation I would be proud to call home. Likewise, my homeland has become a disaster. A breeding ground for muslims and undesirables whose only wish is to dismantle its proud heritage and the country's general infrastructure.
I have a deep resentment for my parents, who have messed my life around persistently with their childish on-again off-again relationship, whereby I have to run around, console, and show genuine concern and invest myself physically and financially to support them through their approaching retirement. Recently, I wish I could say such generous and concerted gestures have been reciprocal, but alas that's not the case. I've become conditioned to their self-absorbed manner, and regrettably have resided to the fact that I don't even have my family to turn to. In truth, my parents have given up on me. I'm not the person they envisioned I would become. I'm nothing to be proud of.
I want to break away, but I have nowhere to go. I'm buying lottery tickets every week, building my hopes up, dreaming of a life where I could finally afford independence, dignity and self-respect. Of course, the dream ends when the national lottery increases again the next week. I've always been free-spirited at heart, and thus is the reason as to why I cannot take this anymore.
I don't enjoy being like this, but recently, I cannot stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I see myself getting older, looking more tired, depressed and angry. After all, I am a miserable failure with zero prospects. And physically, it's showing on my face and posture. I can't remember the last time where I actually genuinely laughed without partially faking it.
Weeks ago, I wrote a lengthy draft post for this site, pleading for any advice... I deleted it the next morning as I hated the sound of myself on paper. A whining, pathetic individual. But yet, there was no glaring solution to my problem. I am still trapped. Thus is why I am here again.
To sum it up, my draft described a pitiful expose on my stupid life. It detailed everything that went wrong since day one. My extremely short-term relationships, and years of loneliness and solitude. The fact that every date I've been on had gone miserably wrong, despite being up-beat, positive, courteous and showing genuine interest in their less than exceptional lives. Still, the morning after rejection phone texts came hastily after each date, all expressing the same desire to not meet again. Although, they assured me I was a nice person to talk with. Yeah, right. I've been single for many years, and its starting to take its toll on me. I realize now that because of my social stature and lack of accomplishments, I have become undesirable to the opposite sex. I cannot financially provide for a partner, and facilitate a lifestyle which pretty young things are being conditioned to expect from a prospective spouse. In truth, I am completely unnecessary and superfluous for their crusade for better homes and gardens, forbes monthly and the fortune 500 club.
Despite my efforts to progress in life, find a companion, friends, further my career, it's all gone belly up. I've wasted so much money on business ventures, travel, and needs, not wants. All to end up here, in the very place that I swore I would leave.
I genuinely feel that I'm cursed. My mother seems to agree, but that's the extent of her comforting and input. There's no encouragement from her. Just her usual pity-party, and moving the spotlight back onto her. After all, what advice could she possibly give to a mid-thirties burn-out who is just a hinderance to her. Yet, I'm conveniently necessary when her life goes sour.
Now, I'm an angry, bitter, extremely cynical and contentious individual who has completely given up on god, humanity, life and hope itself. I have lost my compassion, and am dangerously apathetical to all situations that continue to arise.
I used to believe that god had a plan for everyone, but now I know that's just nonsense, and a way to keep people in church so they keep tithing. After all, money makes the horse trot.
Not once can I really recall god ever answering my humble and desperate prayers. In retrospect, I can see its all been a sick and cruel joke perpetrated on the west to keep the masses in check lest they discover the hopelessness and randomness of life.
In truth, god does not answer prayers. If he does exist, we are just the excess of his creation. Little ants scurrying around which one can admire, but never really care about if we stood on them. The ones he does choose, live a life which has been planned only for his own needs. The rest mean nothing.
So, my questions:
1. Am I living under a generational curse?
2. Why should I bother getting up tomorrow morning, why not get it over with?
I thank you for your time. I rarely am afforded with even a modicum of attention or counselling, and just this once could use some earnest advice.
Thank you.
Be in it!
