what would you do?

[lookinguptoo]

I am an American living in Asia and last week my neighbor told me my son is nothing more than an insane animal. I know that came from pure prejudice because this woman has done numerous things to show her dislike for us, but this was the first time she revealed the depths of her heart. Anyway, I spent the night crying and praying to God searching for an answer and at last I got peace when I read in Psalms that I should flee from the scorner and LIVE! Now, I have complete peace in regards to her but my problem is her son and my son have grown up together. They are both 5 and there has always been an element of conflict because of her feelings towards foreigners being subhuman which has rubbed off on her son, but our children have played together all these years. Now, I feel it must end because her persecution of my son has only increased and as long as they play together it will only grow worse. In addition her son is now taking on this Nazi form of thinking so it is best to just end it, but they live right next to us and when the other kids in the neighborhood come out to play so does her kid so it means I either have to deprive my son of playing with others or let him go in this bad environment. I now try to take him out as much as I can to avoid these people but circumstances come up when the other kids are out playing and my son wants to play too, and he cries heavily when I take him away and he says, "I have no friends". It breaks my heart. I try to tell my son that these people are bad, but I don't have the heart to tell him they think of him as a mere animal. My son is half Asian but thinks he is whole which makes it even harder when he faces the fact that some can not accept him as Asian. This woman thinks my son should bow down and be beaten by her son and not fight back because he is just an animal. They think it is okay to vandalize our home because we are not humans, etc. How would you help your child in a situation like this?

 

[Crofter]

I would probably get full of anger and tell my kid these are bad people and rnt and stop him playing with them...

.. but what I should do... that is different.. I should stay calm and acept these people act ou of ignorance and apologise for taking offense and ask what it is my boy did that was so very wrong? If following a calm and more than reasonable approach fails to warm these heart and there is no way to move towards a peaceful solution than for the good of peace and for my son I would see if moving to a new area was an option.

But to your son being a mixed race is a beautiful thing as he is a boy of unity where too often there is division! Give him a big hug ad a kiss for having to deal with this very difficult situation!


... and for you... give yourself a nice treat too... you need it.

....sorry you are in this situation.

 

[Henaynei]

I would agree with the above poster - your son is going to need to learn about being discerning with his friend choices and the earlier he learns the less heartache you will have later. The tears of a 5 year old are much less heart wenching than the tears of a mother who has lost influence over her child's choices in companions as she sees him go with the wrong crowd and take on their attitudes - and your son WILL begin to take on the attitudes of his companions - this is why the scriptures are so adamant about choosing ones companions that build toward a higher goal and more godliness.

It has been 5 years, if you were going to find an inroad with your neighbor then I think you would have done it by now. AND their family is teaching or allowing teaching of Nazi doctrine. You also will have numerous other times in his growing up when your family will have to choose to do something difficult because it is best for him. Moving may be very difficult for your family, but it may be the best choice to serve (and perhaps save) your son.

 

[lookinguptoo]

First off, thank you both for reading and responding to my post. I agree with both of you that moving would be the ideal situation. I would give anything to move and have suggested it to my husband on various occassions, but moving here is MUCH more complicated and expensive than moving in America. Personally I would not even mind downsizing to a smaller and older place just to have more pleasant people to surround my son with, but my husband will not agree and again it is not that simple to do. There is a lot more red tape to go through here to make a move than in America. Second, as for Crofter's suggestion as to finding out what my son did wrong, I don't have to ask. My neighbor keeps me well informed on every single flaw my son has. Her complaints are of this nature "my son saw your son open someone else's gate". What she will not tell you is her son threw my son's very expensive toys in other people's yards and my son was simply retrieving them. Or one thing that got her furious was her son came up and punched my son in the face and my son hit her son back. She felt my son had no right to defend himself but her son has every right to hit my son whenever he pleases even with hard objects. I could write on an on about her complaints. I am not saying my son is always innocent. He is a young boy and sometimes he does get into mischief, but the root of the problem is not my son. She does not complain about other children's behavior nor does she find fault with her own son's similiar behavior. The root of the problem is her not being able to see humanity is a little 5 year old boy. She has already screamed at my son that she "hates" him and that is the root of the problem. It is so sad that people can not find humanity in another that is different from themselves. Henayei, you are right that I have to overcome his tears and look at the bigger picture. When I read that I should "flee", I knew that applied to my son as well. I also knew that after 5 years, I could do nothing to change these people. I can pray for them, but until they change, it is best not to intermingle with them. I am doing my best to keep our families separated without being rude, but living right next door to each other, it is sometimes difficult to do especially when 2 children that don't fully understand hate and prejudice just want to play together.

 

[Henaynei]

I'll be praying for you - this could easily and quickly become a dangerous situation.... how do the other mothers in the neighborhood treat you and your son?? what do they think of her behavior???

 

[Crofter]

lookinguptoo ... it sounds like this mother has serious problems..... is this just the one family or is it all the neighbours...

but from my experiences of living in an asian area here some asian cultures a certain born into the family boy is seen as very holy... and no one an touch that boy... even the mum can not tell the boy off or reprimand him.... if your son hits uch a child bach then the family will not be pleased. I am not sure where this idea stems from or how it evolved or if it is meant even to be a part of the culture... but I have come across it a lot.

I lived next to a family where the boys were like this and so could do what they wanted. One of the boys had been born with a heart defect and so was viewed as a miracle child. The three boys could do no wrong and threw things at our pets and came into our house and up the stairs and took our things. When I went to complain the father just bashed me.

We were the only English family in the street and so had the language barrier to contend with...but the other asian women came out to see me and simply pointed at this families house and said 'bad man.' And one said in English that they do not even let their children play out on the street because this is a bad family.

So maybe there are other people who might feel the way you do.


I don't know how hard moving is there....it is not easy in the UK... each time we move it takes about a year and cost a lot... but we did move because we lived in a terraced house and all night this family banged on the walls and rang us up in the night until we couldn't stand it anymore.

 

[lookinguptoo]

Thank you for your prayers. As for the culture and other mothers, in this culture, of course the first male child is valued, but being basically an atheist country, children are not viewed as holy and it is perfectly okay to touch or even scold any neighborhood child whether it is the first born male or not. So culturally the problem has nothing to do with her son. The problem is purely rooted in prejudice, I believe. As for the other mothers, they are basically neutral, but if they had to choose sides, they would side with a fellow Asian simply because they would not want to risk being ostracized. They sometimes go along with her though. For example, about 2 weeks ago another neighbor's 5 y/o son, used the restroom #2 in my yard. Might I add that I am pregnant with extreme morning sickness so it was not something I could easily stomach to clean up. When I came outside, all 3 mothers including the most troublesome neighbor were all standing there and heard the children shouting what this boy had done so I knew they knew what had happened, but I simply told the boy he should not do that because it is very dirty. Then one of the mothers mocked me by making fun of my words and all 3 mothers laughed, and of course, they did not clean up the mess. Perhaps the other mothers would not have behaved that way if that particular woman had not been there; I don't know. However, I hope these other neighbors do not have such prejudice in their hearts that they actually hate. Some other neighbors though do have prejudice and have shown it on various occassions. After reading your comments though, I feel like I really should pray about where we live. God can open a door for us to move and let my husband's heart be willing, if that is His will. If it is His will for us to stay, then I will accept that as well, but I do think I should make a concentrated prayer about this issue. Thank you for opening my eyes to that.

 

[Crofter]

will certainly pray for your family... you are in such a difficult situation.

I first met racism when I was five. I was with my brother staying with my Gran in London. Over the years her street had become mostly Jamacian imigrants. One day I was in the back yard an saw a few kittens so watched them. Suddenly a little boy popped his head through a hole in the wall.. he was a lovely appy looking boy the same age as me. He asked if we wanted to come into his yard to see the rest of the kittens... so we did. They were beautiful. But mum smiled at us but gave us a worried look and one of the big sisters said 'what are they doing here...?' The little boy said we we had come to play and see the kittens. Then anothet young adult said okay.. but they'd better be quick. You know Dad will go crazy if he comes home to see whites in out yard.

The comment confused us... but I loved what I saw of this beautiful family and the smashing litle boy.

When we returned to our yard my Gran was really angry! 'Where have you been ? ' she was so mad. I told her we had played with the little boy next door. She said 'What! There is no little boy next door!' Then she realised we meant a black boy. We were told we must never go and play with the black boy ever again.

I realised at 5 years old that there was a thing called racism that turned beautiful people into something very mean and nasty. People fear what is different and what they don't understand... they generalise and make assumptions and breed hatred in their hearts. It is very sad. The racism is a wall that is hard to overcome... try to see the beauty of these people behind this wall.


As the other neighbours see you keep your cool and retain compassion then maybe some of the racial barriers will slowy become erroded.



But I will pray for you and about moving, because a change and a fresh start for you and your family could be very wise indeed. With a new baby on the way you will have enough on ypur plate! You need supportive neighbours!




btw... A good ( but older than five ) kids book read about living in a different culture is COMING TO ENGLAND by Floella Benjamin.

 

[Tangnefedd]

One of our adopted sons is black with special needs, we are white. He came to us aged nine in 1982, from the social services in a part of London where there are more blacks than whites, and racist tension would boil over in the 80's. The adoption was going through nicely when the Chair of the council where he lived, a black women, got to hear about it. She freaked out when she heard that he was going to a white middle class family, living in what was considered a good class area. If she had had her way he would have stayed in a children's home rather than gone to a white family! I am all for families being as compatible as possible when a child is being placed for adoption, but in our son's case we were the only family to show an interest in him as he had/has many problems.

 

[desi]

I would look at the complaint and see if it was valid and act if it was valid. If it was not valid I would tell the child about it in a franc way so he could act upon it according to his conscience.

 

[Henaynei]

at the age of five we are actively building a child's conscience that is part of the parenting at this stage of a child's development