What would you advice in picking a future mate?

[Cadillac]

I have never been married so obviously, I have never been divorced, either. But I have seen people of my age and younger getting married only to divorce one another 5 or so years later. Later then remarry while in their 30s and those marriages work out much much better.

I need to have some advice from divorced men and women what mistakes they made and what would they say to someone who has never been maried before.

Thanks in advance.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

My best advice would be get to know someone before jumping into a marriage. Don't get married based upon how happy someone makes you. Don't get married unless you are 100% satisfied in being Jesus Christ's all alone. You have to be content with being a single saint, otherwise you will not find any satisfaction in a sinful human being who will let you down at some point.

 

[mostie]

My advice would be to make sure that you both go into the marriage knowing that it isn't going to be smooth sailing by any stretch of the imagination. To realize that each other, as much as you love each other, is human- with human failings, faults, things that bother you about each other, etc. etc., the list is endless. Make sure that you both communicate well, that you're able to talk out problems that you may have- that you're able to trust each other- make sure that you're both serious in your christian walk as well, it might be good to get books on having a christian marriage- make sure that you 'like' each other- lol

 

[mt_joy]

Being divorced, I have to say that if you have a single doubt about a guy before the wedding, it's going to be worse after it. Trust your gut. It's never too late to back out if you're not married yet. Trust and communication are key. If you can't talk to each other, you WILL be miserable. And if you don't have trust, do you really want to be suspicious for teh rest of your life? I think not.

Joy

MT Student

 

[Yitzchak]

I have boiled it down to this one bottomline. Both partners have to have and maintain soft hearts and keep the Lord as head of the home. Whne hearts harden towards each other or towards God then divorce almost always follows. The hardening of the heart happens usually first and goes unnoticed until it results in fights, cheating and feeling out love later after the hard heart has done it's work.

You want to connect on a positive and proactive basis. My first choice is serving the Lord together. When connections are built on mutual bitterness or the other partner meeting my needs it is on shaky ground. Needs will be met but the foundation of the relationship has to be a partnership which works together towards mutual goals.

 

[heartnsoul]

All the above posts are EXCELLENT!!! I would say also, God must be first in both partner's hearts, even above their spouses. As long as God is first in their hearts, they will both find security in Him, and the marriage will be on more stable ground. So, my advice is, don't settle for less, always strive to find the best partner who is strongly rooted in God (and yourself needs to be firmly rooted in God), and be patient on God's timing for your soul mate. Too many marriages are based on physical attraction instead of spiritual attraction. From what I read, that is the major difference between a godly marriage (soul mate) versus a man-made marriage. Godly marriages are rooted in God and is based on a mature, spiritual attraction rather than a superficial physical one.

From my own personal experience, I've been divorced once and am now happily remarried. I can say that if I had to do it all over again, I would have waited more patiently on God's *perfect* timing. I wouldn't have settled and I would have focused more on my own spiritual growth to prepare myself for a future soul mate. Hope that helps.

 

[krunk79]

After the past three months, I could write an entire book on that topic. There are so many characteristics and signs that I might have paid attention to had I been older/wiser. Here's a few:

1. Pray. No matter how long you've known the person, no matter how well you think you know them, you will be surprised. Marriage is a gamble no matter who you're marrying. Trust God and ask Him to guide you. Seek Him every day, before and after you are married. Make Him the center of your life and your marriage, and it will not fail.

2. Closely examine her relationships. Is she close to her father? If not, it may (not always), be a sign of a dysfunction. If she doesn't have a caring, loving relationship with her father, she might not know how to have a healthy one with a husband either. Does she respect her parents, their opinions and their decisions? If you marry her, yours will be her next 'most important' relationship in her life (besides that of her parents). It is very, very likely that she will respect you in similar ways she respects them. Does she lie to them and go behind their backs? If so, beware. She is very likely to do that to you too. With past boyfriends: Has she ever cheated? Again, if the answer is 'yes', beware. And most important, does she have a strong, committed relationship with God? If not, the foundation of your marriage will be weak. Beware.

4. Communication is VERY important. If you, as a guy, are not good at this, you will need to learn if you want to have a healthy relationship. It is important to find a woman who is not afraid to express herself. If she is angry at you, does she tell you? Or does she tell her best friend who may or may not tell you? When she's hurt by something you did, does she let you know? Or does she pout for a while and then pretend like nothings wrong? Does she tell you about her hopes and dreams for the future? Is she honest about her past? If she holds her feelings in and is afraid to confront you with them, beware. If she ever lies to you, beware.

5. Pray. Pray every day that God leads you to the right person. If He does, you can't go wrong.


I'm sorry if I focus more on the negative things to watch out for, rather than positive things to look for. Being in the middle of a divorce the negative things seem to be at the top of my mind. Anyways, I hope that helped!

 

[Kari8276]

I am guilty of marrying early, and consequently, divorcing at a young age. My only advice to someone, including myself, is to seek the Lord's will for the relationship BEFORE getting too involved!!! Pray, pray, and pray some more!!!! And listen to what God tells you, if He says leave, LEAVE! Don't second guess Him!!! He knows what He's doing... LOL

 

[david5300]

I got married in a early age was married almost 17 years. The worst part is that at my age it's rough trying to find a good woman that's not married.

 

[Southern Cross]

You've be offered some incredibly good advice. Some have focused on your faith and relationship with God, and I could not agree with them more! Jesus absolutely must be the centerpeice of your marriage, He is the central foundation, not your relationship with your SO. Kari's advice was so true - do not be blinded to God's will because you are head over heels in love with someone. Sometimes it's really hard to hear God's voice telling you to leave or get out of a relationship because you are so attached to the idea of living life with your SO.

I'd like to focus on the practical side for a minute. You should ask yourself if you share the same interests.

If you like to get out and go hiking, camping and fishing, does she like those things too? Do you have a dream about your future and your profession? Will she support you and encourage you in those things, or does she feel like your career goal of a professional comic book artist is absurd (just an example ).

Are you an introspective, introverted person that needs peace and quiet and down time to collect your thoughts, or are you an extrovert that loves to party and entertain and spend all your free time in the company of others? And is she tolerant of that? Sometimes we make sacrifices in our personalities to be with someone, but I'm telling you those sacrifices are easier to make while you are dating and engaged. It's when you live together those differences can become real stumbling blocks. Or strengths, depending on how you look at them.

What about your future goals in life - where you want to live? Is living in suburbia with two SUVs and a big house ok with the both of you? Or does one of you long to live in the quiet countryside and the other in the big city? Where you want to live often says something about your personalities and the way you expect to live life together. Just be careful. I've found that women often have dreams about where they want to live and how ther lifestyle is going to be, and then the guy never expected to have to meet some of those requirements like a $400K house. Do i sound shallow? Maybe so, but I've seen it time and time again. What guy wouldn't want to provide for his wife in that way? But be realistic in how you dream of your future lives together.

How about finances? Once someone shows bad financial tendencies, like freely spending money they don't have, it's very hard to break that habit. Does your SO have good financial habits? If they don't, make sure they do before you get married!

So, yes, I completely agree with EVERYTHING the CFers above said. But I want to encourage you to pick someone who you can really share life with. Common interests, or the willingness to explore new things your SO is interested in, are such key things yet they are often overlooked when you are totally on fire for someone. And they don't seem like such big deals when you are courting, but sometimes your desires about life stick with you, and it becomes a problem later in life.

If you actively pray for God to bring your SO into your life, He will. Sometimes it doesn't happen immediately. Sometimes God needs to prepare your heart and change your outlook on life and strengthen your resolve. Any relationship can work - if you have the fortitude to work through your differences. It's so true when people say opposites attract. But nobody ever tells you how difficult it can be to marry an exact opposite of yourself! Just take a look and make sure you share at least a few common intersts. I've found that those things often become anchors in a relationship to help you through the rough times.

 

[LostnFound]

The best I can advise, other than prayer, and being in God's will, is to talk about EVERYTHING! And I mean every single, silly little thing!!!

 

[bliz]

1. You must share core values - this includes faith in CHrist, but beyond that, some common perspectives about your faith and how it applies to your lives. Both must be ready and willing to put their spouse about their birth families.

2. like each other as much as you love each other - if not more.

3. You should be able to make each other laugh, especially at yourselves.

4. shared goals - family life? careers? What does sucess mean? lifestyle?

5. sexual attraction

There will always be things you disagree on and things to wrestle through, but I think the above things need to be in place to make a go of it.