what will you do as a parent?

[joe78]

I'm not a parent. But I would like to know how christian parents handle about this situation.

This happens in my uncle's family back home in Indonesia. My uncle's family is protestant - christian. He and his wife have 3 children. Janet is the oldest (20 years old). At 16, she went for school in Australia for foundation and later enrolled in one of the music school in Sydney. Three years later, Janet's parents are very dissapointed of her behaviors. First, she spent too much money. Second, she is not doing very well in school and keep changing her majors. Third, she is dating without letting her parents know.

Her mom went to Sydney and brought her back to Indonesia. Since then, she and her family never have a peaceful moment. They have a fight over anything, such as her attitude, work, study and friends. Janet is very strong and stubborn girl. She does not listen to her parents and wants her own way. She thinks that her parents do not love her for doing this. Her parents actually care a lot about her and that's the reason why they try to protect her by bringing her home.

4 months later, nothing has improved in their family. Karen do not talk to her mom and she keep thinking ways to run away from home and go to Australia. Parents do not allow her to hang out with anyone they do not know, letting her work and stay at home.

What do you think as Christian family, they should do to overcome this issue? What will Jesus do if He is here in their family?

Thanks for your opinions!

 

[Evening Mist]

She is 20 yo's old? They dragged her home against here will and are requiring her to follow a bunch of house rules? I'm sorry. That strikes me as bizarre and unhealthy, and I'm not surprised that she is angry and acting out.

If they were unhappy with the way her life was going, they could have withdrawn financial support and allowed her to assume some real responsibility and to experience some genuine consequences. But dragging her home and trying to control every aspect of her life when she is TWENTY years old sounds like a set-up for disaster to me.

If I can't teach my children responsibility in 20 years, then I imagine at some point I'll just have to let them learn it on their own.

Is she really 20?

 

[joe78]

Yes, she is 20.

 

[joe78]

I think her mom does not want to let her go and survive on her own. Maybe she worry about her doing something stupid, such as hanging with wrong people. Her parents are very protective.

I don't think asking her parents to let her go is a good solution. Any other suggestions?

 

[karla]

My job as a parent is to raise my children the best way that I can and to provide them with the tools that they will need to be an independant adult. There is a time when you need to let go. Sounds like her parents did the best job they could and now they just need to let go. We can't protect our children from everything their entire life and they need to make their own mistakes. At 20 years old, she is an adult, needs to be treated as one, and needs to make decisions for herself. I understand her parents wanting to protect her, but they might just be driving a bigger wedge between them. I will pray for this family.

 

[Evening Mist]

Joe -- you asked what Jesus would do in this family. Jesus never forced his will on anyone. He invited, he warned, he cared for people and he wooed them. But when a person was ready to turn her back and walk away, he respected that choice, mourned the loss and prayed hard.

Remember the story of the prodigal son? The father let him go.

 

[HeatherJay]

My mother loves me and my brothers and sister very much, but her philosophy is pretty simple. She raised us, gave us the skills we'd need to live our lives responsibly and then she let us go. Her motto was that once her little birdies left home (either to go to college or start families) "Fly or get eaten by the cat."

Love, Heather

 

[joe78]

Thanks for your responses!

I think for some parents, it's so hard to let the children go. As Karla said, they need to make their own mistakes, and decision. If you are the parent, will you send her back to Australia where she has been wanting? or she needs to earn her own money to go?

 

[Evening Mist]

If I honestly had a real problem with the way she was living in Australia -- then yes, I would expect her to earn her own money to go. (And my home would always be open to her if she failed.)

But -- I haven't heard enough to know for sure that I have a problem with how she was living in Australia. Its hard for a person that age to settle on a major -- that is normal, and I would want to give her time and space to make the decision. And as far as friends and dating -- well, if I'm not there, I can't really be a judge. I'd probably let me kid choose her own friends and date at 20 yo, even if I was funding her college. But thats just me.

I hope to be as supportive as possible when my children go to college. Its an important thing to do. But yes, if things got really bad -- I would expect them to take responsibility financially . Indeed, I paid my own way through college and it was quite good for me.

 

[joe78]

If she needs to earn her own way to Australia, that will take a lot of courage and time. And as a foreign student, she can't work anywhere she wants in Australia. I will keep praying for her and support her. Do hope that she can do what she has been dreaming to do, musician.

She started working a month ago and learning how to be independent. I'm proud of her. She has been so spoiled since a little kid as growing up in a rich family. But, she struggles a lot at work. She has hard time to follow authorities, irresponsible and compare many things with Australian culture. The more people do not agree with her way, the more she fight for it. Is that considered immaturity? And also, she lie and make up story for her own good.

And her parents, wishing she could change everyday. I think this is what her parents want:
1. Be an adult, working and use her money accordingly.
2. Do something useful or accomplish something.
3. Be responsible on what she is doing and respect her parents.

Is that too much to ask for?

 

[armed2010]

When they drag her home and prettymuch start owning her life when shes 20 YEARS OLD, yes, that is too much to ask.

 

[Evening Mist]

I agree Armed. By taking control of her life, they are communicating to her that she is not capable of being responsible. Why should she even try, if her parents will both protect her from real consequences, and disallow her from making real choices?

 

[joe78]

If her parents let her make choices. Do what she wants, who will guide her? Her own i guess. at some points, she is still very dependent. Money is one the issue. She keeps asking money for all kind of stuffs. If they withdrawn her financial, but still let her stay at home and let her do what she wants, is that a good idea?

 

[Evening Mist]

Hey Joe. Still thinking about this! I wonder if there is some middle ground -- somewhere between totally cutting her loose and totally managing her life.

What if her parents were to send her back to school with some conditions? For example, they could agree to pay for tuition, books, room and board *providing* that she settle on a major and maintain a certain grade point average. At the same time, she could get a job and pay for her own personal items, clothing, and recreation. By taking financial responsibility in these areas, she earns the privilage of making her own decisions regarding her social life, BUT -- she also will be expected to take full responsibility for mistakes she makes. For example, if she blows her room and board money on clothes and parties, then she will be expected to find a solution. No bail outs.

 

[joe78]

I think that's a great idea. I thought about that before. Finding the middle ground has to be mutual agreement. she treated her parents like enemy. If they let her go back to Australia, don't you think she will set up her own plan B ? Australia is pretty far from Indonesia. If she's gone, how can her parents find her? you know what i mean, it's too risky to let her go back. All parents want to give the best to the children. Does she have to go back to Australia? can't she be happy where she is?

 

[Evening Mist]

Joe -- can she go to school where she is? Can she be a muscian? How can they make her "be happy" where she is? Who could do that?

The father did not insist that the prodigal son stay where he was unhappy. He sent him on his way with a pocket full of money and his blessing.

Obviously, she wants to go back, correct? So if it is what she wants -- she is going to have negotiate. Meaning, she is going to have cooperate to some extent to get what she wants. If she sets up her own "plan B" then she compromises the agreement and risks loosing the financial help they are offering.

 

[joe78]

If she is Australia, i don't think she cares about loosing the financial help from the parents. She wants the freedom and being able to get together with her boy friend.

 

[armed2010]

I fail to see the harm in that? Shes 20 years old. If she wants to go to Australia and be with her boyfriend, she has every right to do that.

 

[joe78]

yes, she is 20. but her maturity is not 20.

 

[lucypevensie]

She won't learn how to be a mature person with her parents hovering over here every move, that will only make her want to act out more.

The girl needs a choice: make wise decisions and parents will continue support -or- make a foolish decision (blow the money, shack up with the boyfriend, get drunk and party) and she's on her own.

Shock therapy. It can be very effective.