What to wear?

[gillerto]

Hi everyone,

I have been going out with a fantastic girl for 15 months we are both Christian and have not had any sexual activity or stuff like that but ive got a small problem. I am always slightly uneasy when she is wearing a skirt that is quite short. My question is, is it me being possessive and unfair or should she not be exposing herself? I suppose it is a bit to do with me because I dont want to think lustfully about her, is that my problem that I have to deal with or should she dress differently?

Thank you all for your advice.

 

[jenptcfan]

Hi everyone,

I have been going out with a fantastic girl for 15 months we are both Christian and have not had any sexual activity or stuff like that but ive got a small problem. I am always slightly uneasy when she is wearing a skirt that is quite short. My question is, is it me being possessive and unfair or should she not be exposing herself? I suppose it is a bit to do with me because I dont want to think lustfully about her, is that my problem that I have to deal with or should she dress differently?

Thank you all for your advice.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask her not to wear short skirts around you. Just make sure that she knows you're asking her in an attempt to guard your mind against lusting after her...that you're asking out of respect for her.

 

[BethNpottersHand]

Hi,
My boyfriend has asked me gently once or twice not to wear a specific article of clothing. The way he says it has a lot to do with how I respond. He is not being harsh and possessive, but rather loving and protective in a healthy way (the same way my brother would be protective). It's so important for the girl to be careful in the way she dresses..in fact, it's crucial. Let your g/f know you care about her and want other people to see her as the special woman she is...not visual entertainment or a stumbling block. A gentle approach will help a lot. Hope this helped

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

sometimes girls don't realize how something seemingly minsiscule like that can cause a guy to stumble. Pray that God gives you the right words and timing to say something to her and that she will receive it with understanding. You do have a right to want her to dress in a way that doesnt cause you to lust, though of course that can be taken to an extreme as well. Maybe go shopping with her next time she gets a skirt and point out some skirts that are a bit longer and tell her she looks good in them by showing less.

Good luck.

 

[FaithfulServant]

My boyfriend and I both discussed what I wore and what he wore that made lusting more difficult for us. I think every couple should have this discussion because much of today's clothing is tight and short. I believe that you should initiate this conversation with your girlfriend by telling her you only want to ensure that not lustful thoughts enter EITHER of your minds. Then you can proceed by telling her that there are some things she wears that make it more difficult for your - if she really cares about your relationship being God-centered she will agree to put away those skirts until you are both married.

 

[FaithfulServant]

In one of my bible study classes we discussed women being a stumbling block to Christian men. One of the biggest piecest of wisdom I have ever received is to get a full length mirror and pretend that wherever you are headed to (work, school, the mall) that Jesus will be waiting there for you at the door. Take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself if Jesus would be proud to take your hand and walk you in those doors. If the answer is no, you need to change clothes.

You might lovingly share this with your girlfriend, because if she decides to only not wear those skirts around you, she is not keeping her Christian brothers in mind, to whome she may also be a stumbling block.

 

[desi]

If I were you I'd count my blessings and enjoy the view.

 

[Lbiagm]

good point des.

 

[CDN Red Raider]

If I were you I'd count my blessings and enjoy the view.

thats about the farthest thing of heard from being biblically based. what about modesty? what about not be a stumbling block to others?

shame on you desi.

 

[SirKenin]

I think this whole thread is a little wierd.

It's not up to you to dictate to your SO what they wear or how they wear it. It is up to them to decide what is in good taste and what they like. It's up to you to love them for who they are.

 

[jenptcfan]

It's not about "loving someone for who they are". He never said he didn't love her. It's about knowing that something so simple as a skirt that's too short is making you lust after/ have less than the proper amount of respect for the person you love, and respectfully requesting that the person finds an alternative that doesn't cause others to sin. The girl probably doesn't even know it's an issue that's making him struggle.

I just know if I was the girl, I would want to know if I was causing someone I care about to sin.

 

[SirKenin]

It's not about "loving someone for who they are". He never said he didn't love her. It's about knowing that something so simple as a skirt that's too short is making you lust after/ have less than the proper amount of respect for the person you love, and respectfully requesting that the person finds an alternative that doesn't cause others to sin. The girl probably doesn't even know it's an issue that's making him struggle.

I just know if I was the girl, I would want to know if I was causing someone I care about to sin.

I know what it's about. He's expecting to dictate his girlfriends attire and unfortunately life doesn't work that way. She's a free woman, free to do whatever she wants and quite frankly it's not up to him to take that away from her.

If you can't handle being around her without "sinning" and it's that important to you, then mention it once, not as a request or a demand, but simply stating your feelings. If nothing happens, then it's your choice to make whether it's so important to you that you need to ignore it or find a new relationship (yes, I think that's dumb, but I'm not the one all worked up over a skirt, either).

 

[jenptcfan]

I think if he was in it merely to dictate his girlfriend's attire, as some kind of control issue, he wouldn't be here asking about what he should do. Of course she's free to wear whatever she wants--her freedom wasn't the issue. What's that verse, "all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial..."?

But I think she should be given the opportunity to at least be aware of the issues her dress is causing this man that she cares about--what she decides to do with that knowledge is her business.

 

[katelyn]

I think if he was in it merely to dictate his girlfriend's attire, as some kind of control issue, he wouldn't be here asking about what he should do. Of course she's free to wear whatever she wants--her freedom wasn't the issue. What's that verse, "all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial..."?

But I think she should be given the opportunity to at least be aware of the issues her dress is causing this man that she cares about--what she decides to do with that knowledge is her business.

Exactly.

 

[SirKenin]

I think if he was in it merely to dictate his girlfriend's attire, as some kind of control issue, he wouldn't be here asking about what he should do. Of course she's free to wear whatever she wants--her freedom wasn't the issue. What's that verse, "all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial..."?

But I think she should be given the opportunity to at least be aware of the issues her dress is causing this man that she cares about--what she decides to do with that knowledge is her business.

Anybody ever teach you how to read between the lines? Actually, it isn't that hard. It's pretty much laid out for you already.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

There's a line(not even a fine line) between allowing them to be themselves in what they wear and asking them to try not to lead your eyes astray. If my girlfriend thought it would look cute to wear nothing but short shorts and a sports bra, I wouldn't hesitate to ask her to change her attire. (Granted, she and I have talked about this before and are quite clear on it already, but I just wanted to make the point)

 

[SirKenin]

There's a line(not even a fine line) between allowing them to be themselves in what they wear and asking them to try not to lead your eyes astray. If my girlfriend thought it would look cute to wear nothing but short shorts and a sports bra, I wouldn't hesitate to ask her to change her attire. (Granted, she and I have talked about this before and are quite clear on it already, but I just wanted to make the point)

Now let's read between your lines. You practically think you own her. You think you're the boss. The "MAN". You think you have some God-given right to control her and ask her to change her clothes. I hate to break it to you, but you don't.

For all those that seem to think they own or control their SO, or think they are the "boss", I have a newsflash. Women are their own people. No wonder Christian marriages go down the toilet more than any other sect. Your sole remedy is to indicate your feelings. Not to manipulate. Not to intimidate. Not to make your demands in a sly fashion. Not to threaten. Merely to share your feelings and let the woman make her own decision. Let her be herself, and you be yourself. It is the ONLY way you will be truly happy as a couple. Trust me.

Control destroys relationships.

 

[jenptcfan]

Now let's read between your lines. You practically think you own her. You think you're the boss. The "MAN". You think you have some God-given right to control her and ask her to change her clothes. I hate to break it to you, but you don't.

For all those that seem to think they own or control their SO, or think they are the "boss", I have a newsflash. Women are their own people. No wonder Christian marriages go down the toilet more than any other sect. Your sole remedy is to indicate your feelings. Not to manipulate. Not to intimidate. Not to make your demands in a sly fashion. Not to threaten. Merely to share your feelings and let the woman make her own decision. Let her be herself, and you be yourself. It is the ONLY way you will be truly happy as a couple. Trust me.

Control destroys relationships.

Let's take a look at what the Bible says about this, since this is a Christian forum:

1 Corinthians 7
4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.


1 Corinthians 10
32Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God-- 33even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

It's obvious that we are supposed to look out for the good of others as Christians. Self-centeredness destroys relationships.

 

[SirKenin]

Let's take a look at what the Bible says about this, since this is a Christian forum:

1 Corinthians 7
4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.


1 Corinthians 10
32Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God-- 33even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

It's obvious that we are supposed to look out for the good of others as Christians. Self-centeredness destroys relationships.

You have twisted verses. These verses do not in any way denote ownership or the right to control. Sorry.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Now let's read between your lines. You practically think you own her. You think you're the boss. The "MAN".

Are you joking? That's completely heinous. You don't know me or my girlfriend. If she starts showing all kinds of skin around me, it will make me lust after her a heck of a lot more than I already do. (I do my best not to lust after her at all, but she's kind of the most beautiful woman I could ever imagine) I don't know if mainstream Christianity has twisted what the Bible really says about Lust, but I'm pretty sure it's bad when you're not married.

You think you have some God-given right to control her and ask her to change her clothes.

Of course I don't. But I have a God-given responsibility as a brother in Christ to help her not to draw myself and our other brothers astray.

For all those that seem to think they own or control their SO, or think they are the "boss", I have a newsflash. Women are their own people.

No kidding. Do you want a cookie?

No wonder Christian marriages go down the toilet more than any other sect. Your sole remedy is to indicate your feelings. Not to manipulate. Not to intimidate. Not to make your demands in a sly fashion. Not to threaten.

So how is not hesitating to ask her to stop wearing skimpy clothes manipulating, intimidating, demanding, or threatening?

Merely to share your feelings and let the woman make her own decision. Let her be herself, and you be yourself. It is the ONLY way you will be truly happy as a couple. Trust me.

I agree with about 95% of this quote. The footnote I would make about letting the woman make her own decisions is that the man is the head of the family and should take leadership. (I'm sure in your "reading between the lines," you interpret 'leadership' as 'dictatorship', but I assure you, it's not) The ONLY way you will be truly happy as a couple is to keep God as the central focus of the relationship and to follow His guidelines. Trust me.

Control destroys relationships.

I agree 100%