What to expect?

[GloryBeeMe]

Hi everyone. New here. Little background. Had first child in 2001, blighted ovum in 2003, second child in 2004, miscarriage at around 9 weeks in 2009, third child in 2010, miscarriage at 12 weeks in 2012, and found out our fourth just died somewhere between 16 and 19 weeks. I deliver on Monday.
I am DREADING going through labor and delivery for nothing. I am DREADING pain and back labor and anguish for 12 to 14 hours or more (one person said hers took 21 hours. Are you freaking kidding me?!) for nothing. To not hear a cry or nurse a baby, or take one home. I am just sick.
Wondering how long it took others who delivered a baby who was about the same gestational age? Was the pain awful as you dialated?
I am also just sick at what to do with the baby. I have no idea what to expect. It's possible its been dead for several weeks now...will it still be intact? My friend who owns the funeral home offered to cover everything...we just have to purchase our plots. Did you bury? Cremate?
I'm one of those people who have to know everything I possibly can before I expereince something...if it's possible. Sorry we all have to belong to this group.
Maybe someone on here knows if there is somewhere I can go for future testing? At this point I do NOT want to get pregnant EVER again. I am so done. Please don't say "Oh well you should be thankful anyway because you have 3 children. Believe me I am but....losing a child is not something I want to go through again. I always said once I have more in Heaven than I do on earth I'm done. I hope my husband agrees....but just in case...does anyone know of ways to get specialized care for a low cost? We aren't wealthy people and live in a very remote area. Anyway, be kind please...I just need to talk...
Thanks and praying for all of us.

 

[vespasia]

I am so sorry your much wanted and loved fourth child has died and you face a silent birth on Monday.

Yes it will hurt even at that gestation, for some the pain feels more intense as it is compounded by the sheer emotional agony of dying instead of birth. You can request analgesia to offset the physical pain but all even the most caring delivery team can do is slightly offset the emotional pain.

No one can predict how long each delivery will take and for some mums a few minutes can seem like a aeon, whilst for others hours are gone in minutes.

Your baby will be very small and will fit in the palm of your hand. They will be fragile and translucent as the skin will be like a butterflies wing.
This is still your baby.

The eyes will be fused shut and maybe a little sunken with the iris seeming almost visable. The huge majority simply look like they have fallen into sleep from this world but they do not stir when we cradle them. Most appear to have big feet compared to their skinny little bottoms.

Your baby will feel warm from the birthing process but will quickly chill. You can ask the staff to carefully wrap your baby in a soft small shawl or recieving blanket. Most hospitals in the West have a supply of teeny bonnets made by volunters for such babies and it may be possible to have your baby dressed in a bonnet and even a gown if on is available and wrapped in a shawl so you can cradle your baby.

You will only have a short time in which to do all the things you had planned for a lifetime. Let the staff take photos of your baby even if you cannot face seeing them at the time- many parents who have not wished they had later as they can struggle to remember what their baby looked like. Invite those who need to meet your baby, older children who know a baby was due but then disappears may be helped by knowing their little sibiling has died and that is why their family is now so sad. SANDs in the UK has a list of books for other children that many have found helpful and you can get most of them via Amazon.

This charity may be able to help by taking photos for you to keep. https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Take a small toy, a soft shawl, tissues, some perfume you love the smell of with you to the hospital, give your baby their name and do not be afraid to speak there name.

You can ask for the hospital chaplains to come and bless you and your family and ask God to care for your baby as well as acknowledge your babies name.

You can have time alone with your baby to say goodbye. The staff can describe your baby to you if your fearful of looking at your baby and then you can decide if you wnat to see your baby cradled by one of the staff or if you wish to cradle your baby yourself.

Where possible hospitals in the west try and gather mementos for a memory box with hand and footprints a hospital card detailing their weight, gestation, length, time of delivery and so on. Their should be a bearevement officer who can help you have your babies body released for either burial or cremation.

It is possible to request a 'Crib' instead of a coffin for such a tiny baby, they are often made in a similar way to whicker work moses basket with a lid that can be fastened for the funeral. Some volunters make tiny cribs for the most fragile babes that can be placed into a simple coffin Your firend will be able to advise you as to what items may be placed in a babys 'crib as this varies form country to country. In the UK parents tend to place their dressed baby wrapped in a shawl with a soft toy, some family photos and letters form their family.
It may be poissible to dress your baby; in the UK this company provides clothes for the smallest babes and many of the items are imported from the USA.
Preterm Baby Burial Clothes Tiny Baby Burial Gowns Tiny Baby Funeral Specialist They may be able to signpost you to the suppliers they use in your country.

If you opt for cremation please be aware that you may not have any ashes as your babies bones will not have calcifiied at this gestation. Your friend can give you advise on creamtion or burial where you live- in some countries it is legal to bury a baby in a private plot in a private garden but certain laws and policies need to be followed.

I am sorry that is a lot of information at a point you will be finding it hard to remember anything anyone says but I hope that it helps allay some of your fears and worries.

May God bless you and keep you close to Gods heart as you welcome and say good-bye to your precious babe tomorrow.

 

[RuthD]

I am so sorry for the loss you are experiencing. Praying for you and your family and the baby.

 

[GloryBeeMe]

Thank you RuthD.

Vespasia...thank you for your detailed account and all the info. I just now read it...he was finally delivered on Tuesday. Labor was very easy. The meds all day Monday didn't work so I pretty much slept through the day with only demmoral or however you spell it. I had the BEST staff in the entire world. I felt so bad for them as NO ONE could get an IV started. It took 7 attempts, 3 blown veins, and 4 terrific nurses to finally get one started. They all started calling me the Pin Cushion. It helped me feel better because they were feeling so bad to begin with and then with having to poke me so many times! I enjoyed making them laugh. All my pain meds and contraction meds were givin injection so by the time I was done I had had 15 shots (or so..hubby slept through a few and I lost count lol). The worst part of day one was throwing up. I HATE throwing up!!! HATE HATE HATE. But otherwise it wasn't bad. They gave me a four hour break that evening and then started a new dose of new meds at midnight...by 4 am things had started at somewhere around 8 our little Gabriel Morgan was born. What a BEAUTIFUL child....He was so perfectly formed...the most adorable fingers and toes...ears, eyes, nose, mouth...perfect in every way. My doc said nothing noticeable caused his death. We held him and took pictures and the nurses were able to get his tiny hand prints and foot prints...so perfect. He stayed with us all day until my friend from the funeral home came to pick him up. She will return his ashes (the tiny amount) and his blanket to us when it is finished. I didn't get enough time...at all. And I regret not singnig Jesus Loves Me to him while he was in my hands...I didn't even think of it until I was singing it to our children last night at home...I could barely stand it. God reminded me he heard it before he died...so he knows my voice. It helped a little. We are now picking out a keepsake urn for him. I miss him so badly...ugh it hurts. We will get to request a necklace and keychain from Held Your Whole Life with his name...and then donate for other bereaved parents to receive one for their baby in honor of Gabriel.

Thank you again for your kind words. Gabriel and the other 3 we have lost...are so precious to us. Were so blessed to have 7 beautiful children, though we have only seen 4.

God bless you all.

 

[GloryBeeMe]

Oh, the hospital also gave us5 wristbands with Angel of my Tears printed on it..onefor my husband, one for me, and one for each son. The boys love them.

 

[Just4Jesus]

Bless your heart, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[RuthD]

I know it has been awhile but how are you doing now dear one? You went through so much. God bless you.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi everyone. New here. Little background. Had first child in 2001, blighted ovum in 2003, second child in 2004, miscarriage at around 9 weeks in 2009, third child in 2010, miscarriage at 12 weeks in 2012, and found out our fourth just died somewhere between 16 and 19 weeks. I deliver on Monday.
I am DREADING going through labor and delivery for nothing. I am DREADING pain and back labor and anguish for 12 to 14 hours or more (one person said hers took 21 hours. Are you freaking kidding me?!) for nothing. To not hear a cry or nurse a baby, or take one home. I am just sick.
Wondering how long it took others who delivered a baby who was about the same gestational age? Was the pain awful as you dialated?
I am also just sick at what to do with the baby. I have no idea what to expect. It's possible its been dead for several weeks now...will it still be intact? My friend who owns the funeral home offered to cover everything...we just have to purchase our plots. Did you bury? Cremate?
I'm one of those people who have to know everything I possibly can before I expereince something...if it's possible. Sorry we all have to belong to this group.
Maybe someone on here knows if there is somewhere I can go for future testing? At this point I do NOT want to get pregnant EVER again. I am so done. Please don't say "Oh well you should be thankful anyway because you have 3 children. Believe me I am but....losing a child is not something I want to go through again. I always said once I have more in Heaven than I do on earth I'm done. I hope my husband agrees....but just in case...does anyone know of ways to get specialized care for a low cost? We aren't wealthy people and live in a very remote area. Anyway, be kind please...I just need to talk...
Thanks and praying for all of us.

Hello,

I am very sorry for your loss and am praying for you and your family. I think you'll receive good, supportive feedback here. One suggestion I have is that you involve your pastor. I think it would help having him to talk with.

Faithfully,
CH Sacerdote