what to do ...

[Wizumwalt]

Hi all,

I'm just wondering what I should do now since I think God is telling me no after 12 years of prayers. I've always asked Him for help with her, but things just get worse and we really don't have even a friendship right now. I tried not to ask amiss or for my own desires, but I really didn't see what was wrong with asking for a wife and letting it be this girl.

I was married to a girl from South America (same girl) about 12 years ago, and she divorced me shortly thereafter w/ the courts in her country. We initially married here in Tx, but I never did the divorce here because I tried for the last 12 years to reconcile the marriage. I thought that's what God would have me do. I've always helped her financially, and adopted her child (no father) a few years ago, but this is really starting to weigh on me and I guess you could say I'm just now getting it, that she doesn't want anything with me and never will.

And I'm also now seeing I can never have a real relationship with anyone else with the burdens I have with her (not that I'm looking or even think it's allowable, just confused here). I help her financially with her daughter which she needs, but aside from that, I don't know what to do. I see here once every 3 - 5 years. I try not to be mad at God, but inside those thoughts swell up (out of my control) because I know if He wanted, He could have done this for me. And I'm always apologizing to Him of course. So now I'm bumping close to 40 years old, and I feel like I've wasted my life and any chance I've had for a marriage.

Anyone have thoughts, advice, comments, or want to do more target practice?

 

[c1ners]

I'm no expert in matters of this type, but sometimes what we think is God's will really isn't.

I know it's hard to let go, but you do have your life and your happiness to think about. You've done what you thought was best for this woman, now do what you think is best for you.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[Wizumwalt]

I'm no expert in matters of this type, but sometimes what we think is God's will really isn't.

If I knew God's will, I'd do it, now if only I could know it. Guess I'll just keep asking another 12 years ... trial and error, trial and error.

I know it's hard to let go, but you do have your life and your happiness to think about. You've done what you thought was best for this woman, now do what you think is best for you.

It's not that I don't want to let go, but how can I just leave her little girl that believes I'm her father. I gave her my word, I have to keep it, too bad I didn't know her mother would just take this as an opportunity to take advantage of me.

I'll be praying for you.

Thank you, I think that's the only answer there is, cause deep down, I believe no one has the answer.

 

[c1ners]

Thank you, I think that's the only answer there is, cause deep down, I believe no one has the answer.[/QUOTE]

Actually, you're right. Everyone can have an opinion, and try telling you what to do, but it's your heart you have to listen to.

I think the child will understand. She knows you love her. Just keep loving her. But that's just my opinion.

Still praying though.

 

[free4all]

Hi Wizumwalt. You have courage to post your situation. No target practice on you for me. How about this? I'll make a poor attempt to reply, and then perhaps I'll be target practice. I may not have any answers, but may I make some observations based on what you've said? I'm not being judgmental, but keep in mind my verbal abilities aren't that smooth.

I'm just wondering what I should do now since I think God is telling me no after 12 years of prayers.

That is your only hope for peace, to keep searching until you believe you hear God's direction. And then do it.

I tried not to ask amiss or for my own desires, but I really didn't see what was wrong with asking for a wife and letting it be this girl.

If this girl doesn't want anything to do with you, that's a good sign there IS something wrong with "letting it be this girl." God gives us free will, and he gave her free will also. Rejection is hard, but she has decided she doesn't want to be married to you.

And I'm also now seeing I can never have a real relationship with anyone else with the burdens I have with her

I don't mean to sound flippant, but have you thought about counseling? This is traumatic for you, and a good counselor or pastor can help you if you allow.

I try not to be mad at God, but inside those thoughts swell up (out of my control) because I know if He wanted, He could have done this for me.

I've dealt with this thought a lot. But He gives us a free will to choose, and He gives our mates a free will to choose also. It's not the way I would have chosen, but that's how it is. We may not agree with others' choices, but their choices are not for us to make. You are being held hostage to her choice, and she has a right to make that choice.

So now I'm bumping close to 40 years old, and I feel like I've wasted my life and any chance I've had for a marriage.

It looks that way now. And if you don't want to be married again, that is your choice. But you've probably got a lot of years left. If you choose to be married again, I'm sure there are a lot of Christian women who would love to be married to a Christian man who is seeking and following God's will.

I know it seems dark now. Your life has not turned out the way you wanted. Look around in this forum. Most of our lives have not turned out the way we would have planned. It's hard to accept that and not be angry at God. But I have realized I am not on this earth for my convenience. God has a greater purpose for me, and regrettably it involves pain and suffering. I can give up and quit out of anger and disappointment, which looks inviting at times, or I can stop being angry at God and try to respond in ways which please Him. I don't always succeed. I've told Him I was angry at Him even today. But it's a process.

I'm not a counselor. But it's sad to see you held hostage to her when she has made her decision plain. I pray you come to the point where you feel peace about moving on.

I don't mean to offend you with my directness. Again, I commend you on your courage to post your situation.

 

[free4all]

Hi Wizumwalt,

I hope I did not offend you in my previous post. If I did, I am sorry. I know you are hurting, and I don't want to add to your pain.

I did not mean to say abandon your daughter. I was only talking about moving on from your ex-wife/wife. I think it is admirable to have continued paying when you could have quit.

It is admirable to continue to try to have a relationship with your daughter, although her mother may prevent it. I know a friend who was divorced, and his ex poisoned his daughter against him. So he saved a copy of every letter he wrote to his ex and his daughter, so if his daughter ever came to him after she grew up, he could show her how he tried to be civil to his ex, and how he tried to have a relationship with the daughter.

That is something you could do if you wanted. Sounds as if the relationship with the mother is really over, but you could continue to try to be in the life of your daughter. You could write her, send her birthday cards, etc. Probably you already are. Anyway, keeping a copy is just an idea.

Please, do not be offended. And since I only know a tiny bit of your situation, my words may be way off the mark.

Hang in there. Are you taking vitamins or exercising? Are you attending church somewhere? Please try to take care of yourself physically also. It's so easy to become depressed if you don't.

God bless.

 

[Wizumwalt]

If this girl doesn't want anything to do with you, that's a good sign there IS something wrong with "letting it be this girl." God gives us free will, and he gave her free will also. Rejection is hard, but she has decided she doesn't want to be married to you.

Point well taken.

I don't mean to sound flippant, but have you thought about counseling? This is traumatic for you, and a good counselor or pastor can help you if you allow.

No, don't think about it much. Can't afford much w/ what I send to her. Besides, I think when the psychiatrist started doing the job of preacher, that's when everything went to hell. Finding good advice is so hard to come by.

I've dealt with this thought a lot. But He gives us a free will to choose, and He gives our mates a free will to choose also. It's not the way I would have chosen, but that's how it is. We may not agree with others' choices, but their choices are not for us to make. You are being held hostage to her choice, and she has a right to make that choice.

Sometimes, I just believe so much in what prayer can do if it's in accordance to His will that it can overcome anything. I guess I just see prayer being more powerful than her will and I try to take that route not taking into consideration her free will.

I know it seems dark now. Your life has not turned out the way you wanted. Look around in this forum. Most of our lives have not turned out the way we would have planned. It's hard to accept that and not be angry at God. But I have realized I am not on this earth for my convenience. God has a greater purpose for me, and regrettably it involves pain and suffering. I can give up and quit out of anger and disappointment, which looks inviting at times, or I can stop being angry at God and try to respond in ways which please Him. I don't always succeed. I've told Him I was angry at Him even today. But it's a process.

Yeah, I just need to stop whining about it and stick it out.

I pray you come to the point where you feel peace about moving on.

It's not so much about me moving on I think, but that ... I gave her my word to father her daughter, and now the sacrifices (change of lifestyle along with everything I've ever hoped for) I lose, and yet she seems to careless solong as I do my part. I guess it's just getting quite heavy on me now.

Don't worry, no offenses taken.

 

[free4all]

Good morning, Wizumwalt. Glad you answered. Let me jump right in before I need to leave for work.

I think when the psychiatrist started doing the job of preacher, that's when everything went to hell. Finding good advice is so hard to come by.

I wouldn't trust a non-Christian psychiatrist, or a Christian psychiatrist would didn't counsel according to God's Word. But you are right: one does have to be careful who they listen to for advice. But don't you think God will answer your prayer of who to go to for counsel?

I know we need to use wisdom concerning who we talk to about issues, but we aren't called or equipped to live life alone. It's difficult for me to approach others in my church or circle of friends and ask for prayer. Yet when I do, without exception my life changes for the better. If after praying you don't feel there is anyone in your church you can talk to, look elsewhere. You don't have to change churches, but there is nothing wrong with looking for wise counsel somewhere else if you can't find it where you are.

Yeah, I just need to stop whining about it and stick it out.

Well, I do my fair share of whining also. But again, just sticking it out alone is difficult...and it's not what we are called to do. I won't give you my history here, but it's my extreme nature to try to do it alone. If I could, I would. But to do so would leave me spiritually frustrated. It is humbling to ask others for help, as you have done here, but God can and does work through the love and advice of others.

I share your view that finding good advice is hard to come by. But God will reveal to you the nature of someone's advice if you are seeking Him, which I believe you are.

It's not so much about me moving on I think, but that ... I gave her my word to father her daughter, and now the sacrifices (change of lifestyle along with everything I've ever hoped for) I lose, and yet she seems to careless solong as I do my part. I guess it's just getting quite heavy on me now.

I still say that is admirable of you to continue providing for her daughter after being treated like that. I don't know your situation, but God can make a way to relieve some of the pressure on you. This is going to sound cold, but have you prayed about continuing your support? I'm not advocating either way, just asking if you've prayed about that specifically.

Don't worry, no offenses taken.

Thanks.

 

[MaraPetra]

Wizumwalt, I definately feel for your situation. I wouldn't dare target practice on you, because I'm married to a man who's done things just as honorably as you have, but who eventually learned to "let go" and pursue what else God had in store for him. He ended up getting me (whether or not that was a blessing remains to be seen).

Prayer's the most powerful thing you can do at this point...Ever notice that God answers in one of three ways..."Yes, no or later"??? No matter what, pray without ceasing, my friend. It helps when nothing else can.

You don't mention whether your ex-wife is Christian, but I don't suppose that matters. What does matter is that she initiated a divorce, and has effectively put you away from her. She's definately over you, my friend. Your emotions have basically put you in a position to be used, and to be hurt in the using. Is this not what you are feeling now?

My second husband did the same thing with his first wife. After only 3 years of marriage, and catching her four times in infidelity, he left her, taking their two babies (ages 2 1/2 and 8 months) with him. He divorced her, and gained sole custody of the babies (although he had serious doubts that the younger child was even his). She disappeared for three years. After those three years, when she returned, my husband tried in vain to reinstate the marriage. Whenever his ex needed help, he provided. He ended up being used badly, until he reconciled himself to the fact that God wasn't allowing the marriage to be reinstated. His ex remarried, and he remarried with me. It was only when he let go emotionally that he was able to continue with his life.

In the matter of the daughter...It was incredible of you to adopt the child, and that's a responsibility that you have willingly accepted, and shouldn't let go. As stated earlier, my husband did not believe that the younger child was his...But he took that responsiblility anyways. Now, there's no doubt that the child is his flesh, but at the time, it caused conflict. My husband rightly rationalized that no matter the situation, the child is innocent in all of this, and shouldn't be put away...For what has innocence done to deserve that?

I don't have answers, my friend. What I can give you are some Scripture to show you your situation. I urge you to pray on these, and mark your path through God's answers. If He's telling you "no" on your current situation, the next step is to find what His will is, and do it.

Paul had some strong words regarding marriage with unbelievers:

14Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? II Cor. 6:14

It's difficult enough to even try to have a marriage with someone who is not spiritually grounded. Your own Christian beliefs can actually make the situation even worse, because while you try to do right in God's eyes, the other person isn't so fettered. Therefore, Paul gave the above words as guidance.

12But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 15But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. 16For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? 17But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches. I Cor. 7:12-17

I believe this passage may be crucial to your prayers, and to your heart. Regarding the child, you have a responsibility, but regarding the wife, you do not. Your spouse has departed, and you are no longer under bondage. Again, I can only urge you to read...And pray where God wants you to go from here.

Jesus came not so that we could live, but live more abundantly. It's never God's intent that we live a life of limbo, caught between what the world thinks is God's will, and what IS God's will in your life. That's why I keep stressing prayer as your guiding force at this point. Read your Word, and pray for discernment of the passages, as well as ears to hear what God wants you to do.

I'm also a big believer in the fact that God has His hand over all things, good and bad. Once you make the decision to let go, and to seek Him first, all else will follow.

And I'm praying for your situation, my friend

 

[Leanna]

How old is the daughter? Man.... it sounds like your ex is using you for money

 

[Svt4Him]

It's not so much about me moving on I think, but that ... I gave her my word to father her daughter, and now the sacrifices (change of lifestyle along with everything I've ever hoped for) I lose, and yet she seems to careless solong as I do my part. I guess it's just getting quite heavy on me now.

So you're going to blame your daughter for all your issues? IMO, get over the martyr mentality. You gave your word, your wife gave her word, that's called marriage. When it's over, it's over. What you do now is your choice, nothing more, nothing less.

I know, I don't get a lot of rep points for posts like this.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I think we struggle with choice more then anything. Its the number of options that present themselves that are the problem. We each have our own way of breaking dow what exactly our options are without violating the ethic, moral and religious code in which we live. Choice.

To exercise your 12 year choice sends chill through my body. I know that one day I may make the same statement of unconditional love and loyalty. I fear sometimes that I will be swallowed by the options and haunted with the choices in which those options produce. I know what pain is now, I know what sorrow is now, I know what emotional and spiritual death and revival are.... and because of this I know what Love is.

I realize though that this is my choice and mine alone. People will only understand to a certain point. They can only empathize so long. And they can only hear you "talk" for so long.

I learned something thats worse then this though. Not making a choice... or more so making one and not embracing it. In the act of making a choice we must, at least at the time of conception, make it fully, or don't make it all. This in essence can apply elsewhere, but really holds its weight in matters like this.


You can think its over at some point. There is no shame in surrendering. But failure is not something in which we are programmed, it is something we learn, something that we are taught. When you give up you could be passing along a lesson... in which should never be thoughtfully taught. No matter what's said its not over till you give up. Its an option.... yet still your choice.

Warrior Poet

 

[Wizumwalt]

I know, I don't get a lot of rep points for posts like this.

I think the reason you don't get many rep points is because you judge the situation with no understanding of it. No martyr mentality at all. And no one is blaming the little girl, she's completely innocent in this situation.

This little girl sees me as her father, depends on me for much, and there's no way I'm going to be the sort of person that there one minute and then just steps out waiting for the next fly-by-night dad just because two grown-ups can't get along.

Situations like this may be over for you, but I will stick this one out for the little one's sake. Whether the mother is using me for money or not.

Sorry, but posts like this really burn me up. I had to respond because of such poor advice.

 

[Wizumwalt]

How old is the daughter? Man.... it sounds like your ex is using you for money

The little one just turned 5 last September. Perhaps, but I think out of necessity to care for the little one. She lives in a very poor country. Can you fault her for that?

 

[Wizumwalt]

I realize though that this is my choice and mine alone. People will only understand to a certain point. They can only empathize so long. And they can only hear you "talk" for so long.

Warrior Poet

Thanks Poet. Very nicely said. I hope not to keep this thread running longer than need be for the reason above.

Your post brings much understanding to the situation, and gives me much to ponder.

 

[heartnsoul]

Hi all,

I'm just wondering what I should do now since I think God is telling me no after 12 years of prayers. I've always asked Him for help with her, but things just get worse and we really don't have even a friendship right now. I tried not to ask amiss or for my own desires, but I really didn't see what was wrong with asking for a wife and letting it be this girl.

I was married to a girl from South America (same girl) about 12 years ago, and she divorced me shortly thereafter w/ the courts in her country. We initially married here in Tx, but I never did the divorce here because I tried for the last 12 years to reconcile the marriage. I thought that's what God would have me do. I've always helped her financially, and adopted her child (no father) a few years ago, but this is really starting to weigh on me and I guess you could say I'm just now getting it, that she doesn't want anything with me and never will.

And I'm also now seeing I can never have a real relationship with anyone else with the burdens I have with her (not that I'm looking or even think it's allowable, just confused here). I help her financially with her daughter which she needs, but aside from that, I don't know what to do. I see here once every 3 - 5 years. I try not to be mad at God, but inside those thoughts swell up (out of my control) because I know if He wanted, He could have done this for me. And I'm always apologizing to Him of course. So now I'm bumping close to 40 years old, and I feel like I've wasted my life and any chance I've had for a marriage.

Anyone have thoughts, advice, comments, or want to do more target practice?

A godly marriage is one where both partners live godly lives to glorify God.

With that said, I will try to explain this honestly and gently. No one's life is every a waste. Whether we go through bad or good experiences, all experiences are opportunities for personal and spiritual growth. So even if you made decisions that ended up being painful and not fulfilling, there were still lessons to be learned in those decisions. Try and find those lessons and LEARN so history and same mistakes don't repeat themselves.

From what you described, it sounds like you spent a lot of time focusing on your own will instead of God's will. Did you ever consider the possibility that maybe it wasn't God's will for you to marry your ex? Could it be that it was you who wanted to marry her and things didn't work out? Could it be that you didn't wait on God's timing for your own spiritual maturity to develop before getting married? Don't be too hard on yourself. 97% of marriages (according to a Christian radio program I heard recently) are marriages where people were impatient with God and did not take the time to spiritually mature and wait for God's timing to get married to the right partner. That explains why we have so much divorce and marital struggles out there. So given that statement, I strongly believe that if you waited for the right one and taken time to grow in Christ, God would have blessed you with the right choice of a wife. Thus, you wouldn't be in the predicament that you are in right now (along with 97% of Christian marriages that are struggling).

So I think it's time for you to stop pursuing a dead end street. You need to really step back and focus all your time and energies on strengthening your commitment to God. It's time to renew your heart, mind and soul to love and learn the heart of God. Take some bible studies and learn what a godly marriage is all about and what God's expectations are for a marriage. Growing pains are never easy. They're painful because it means "letting go and letting God take control." Surrending yourself to God and take time to heal. There is a great book out there called Heaing Is A Choice by Steve Auterburne. It will help you heal and take positive steps to move forward with your life. You can buy this book at this website and even get free counseling by calling their toll free number: www.newlife.com

Praying for you to find the courage to do what it takes to begin the painful process of healing. May God give you wisdom and comfort as you choose to recommit yourself to Him.