My husband left our family 8 months ago. A couple of weeks ago I walked in on him with another women. By the grace of God I have been able to not hold on to the anger of that and I given it to the lord. I have since started the process of divorce. Then the other night my husband called and stated that he wanted me to take a lie detector test to prove that I haven't had an affair on him. He stated that he always felt in his heart that I have not been faithful to him and if I do this then our family can be joined together again. I am really torn by this, not because I have anything to hide. (he is the only person that I have ever been with and we have 3 children) But it really hurts me to know that my word does not mean anything to him. He states that if I want our marriage to work that I would do this because he has to know if he has trust issues or if his feelings are true about me having an affair. I want our marriage more than anything - but is this right to go to this point?? I have been praying on this so much and I know that the lord has blessed me with a forgiving heart and I know that with the lord I can deal with anything. He currently is not a follower in the lord and that is something that we have struggled with for sometime. I just need advise and other opinions as to what I should do as a christian woman of god. Please help....
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What to do?
- Thread starter hardtime
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Southern Cross
Conservative Republican Hippy People Shooter
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Ouch. There is a guy out there who just wrote a book about this exact scenerio, literally! He lives in Las Vegas, I think. Can't remember his name. He was on a couple of nationally syndicated radio talk shows, and this may be where your husband got the idea.
The whole premise of the book is that the man should have the right to ask for a maternity test or lie detector test before he goes to court to suffer the consequences for what he did to destroy the marriage. It's an attempt to turn the tables or shift blame and say the destruction of the marriage was a 50/50 responsibility. In my view, it's really an attempt to avoid child support payments or a hefty monthly alimony charge.
It's a totally outlandish request his part. First, you were the one who caught him in an act of infidelity (I assume you meant you walked in on them engaged in sex or some type of contact) then it's all on him. Second, lie detector tests are not always accurate. Third, tell him to grow up. He knows you could take him to court right now.
If you want to play the game, tell him to put all the lurid details of his affair(s) into writing and put his signature on a letter prepared by your lawyer, and then you'll consider taking the test. Betchya he'll back down right away.
Otehrwise, tell him how you feel about the marriage - that you still want it. Honestly, in no circumstance would I agree to take such a test. It's just ridiculous.
The whole premise of the book is that the man should have the right to ask for a maternity test or lie detector test before he goes to court to suffer the consequences for what he did to destroy the marriage. It's an attempt to turn the tables or shift blame and say the destruction of the marriage was a 50/50 responsibility. In my view, it's really an attempt to avoid child support payments or a hefty monthly alimony charge.
It's a totally outlandish request his part. First, you were the one who caught him in an act of infidelity (I assume you meant you walked in on them engaged in sex or some type of contact) then it's all on him. Second, lie detector tests are not always accurate. Third, tell him to grow up. He knows you could take him to court right now.
If you want to play the game, tell him to put all the lurid details of his affair(s) into writing and put his signature on a letter prepared by your lawyer, and then you'll consider taking the test. Betchya he'll back down right away.
Otehrwise, tell him how you feel about the marriage - that you still want it. Honestly, in no circumstance would I agree to take such a test. It's just ridiculous.
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That was first thought as well. But he knows how bad I want our marriage to work and he is stating that he will work on our marriage BUT he has to know if his feelings about all of this trusting stuff is true or not. My gut is telling me to take the test to prove to him that I am telling him the truth and that I am not that kind of person but then it hurts my heart that my own husband would ask me to do such a thing. I am a very forgiving person and he knows that -- I just feel horrible as if I don't take the test then I am giving my marriage. I know that the lord states to forgive and how he hates divorce...... But I can't help wonder if he is really ready to make this work if he is willing to change and I don't jump at that -- well, I guess is that what the lord would want of me? Would I be sinning by not taking my husbands offer to "fix" our marriage. I really don't believe in divorce and I hate the thought of raising our children in different homes. I just don't want any regrets -- I just want to make sure that through all of these very hard times I am living through the lord. I am a mess right now -- I hate the thought of my husband doing this to be deceiving. Am I crazy for considering this??
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Serving4Christ
Humble Servant
Wow. You keep pointing back to your husband stating he'll make it work...however? What happens with this other woman he's with? Is he still with her? I don't assume you walked in on the two of them having sexual relations, but did you? You have three children with this man and he wants you to take a lie detector test to prove your innocent of cheating on him...hmmm...sounds fishy to me.
I'd take it just to prove to him what a jerk he is. When the results come back, gloat about it. I don't buy for one minute he's comitted to moving on after the marriage is somehow repaired from your lie detector test results. Give me a break!
I know this is a very hard time for you. And I don't mean to be so hard, but having three children myself and being a single dad, there's no way I'd tolerate such an act. True love and forgiveness would come in the form of him droppping the thought of the lie detector test and dealing with his own inefficiency/deception.
You're not crazy...you're hurting.
I'd take it just to prove to him what a jerk he is. When the results come back, gloat about it. I don't buy for one minute he's comitted to moving on after the marriage is somehow repaired from your lie detector test results. Give me a break!
I know this is a very hard time for you. And I don't mean to be so hard, but having three children myself and being a single dad, there's no way I'd tolerate such an act. True love and forgiveness would come in the form of him droppping the thought of the lie detector test and dealing with his own inefficiency/deception.
You're not crazy...you're hurting.
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Thank you for your words. And please understand that I don't think you are being harsh - that is why I am here to get another view besides my own. It is really hard to think clearly at this point in time in my life, so your words really do help. To answer your question, yes I did walk in on them having sex. I don't know who she was and I didn't even see her face. I always thought that I would be the type of woman that would walk away and never look back if something like this happened. To my surprise I am not. I keep praying that the lord show me the way. Maybe I just have false hope that he wants our family intact just as much as I. By taking this test am I feeding into his insecurities even more?? I feel like I am in a big black hole that I can not climb out of. This is my husband; the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with....... I want my marriage to work but I am not sure that I could forgive him (if) after I take the test. I am sorry for unloading all of this on this forum, but I really don't know who else I can talk to about this. Thank you for any help/advice you can provide.
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Serving4Christ
Humble Servant
Your conclusion is already validated with the fact you walked in on him having relations with another woman. It seems to me that the reason he wants you to take a lie detector test is to use it as a tactic to somehow get back on an even platform with you. I'm sorry he's putting you through this, but the lie detector shouldn't even be entertained right now. Your husband is obviously feeling like a low down piece of dust sitting underneath a rock like he should be...instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, he somehow feels he can lighten his guilt and his disgrace by luring you into a trap to make the playing grounds even again. Yes, it will be nice if he seeks the face of God, but before he can get anywhere close to seeking, he has to find his own face, and it's hard to see your own face when your peering out from underneath a rock.
Don't feel bad unloading, we're all here to listen and support you.
Don't feel bad unloading, we're all here to listen and support you.
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suzybeezy
Reports Manager
In my opinion, I would not take the test. A marriage is suppose to be built on trust and faith. That has already been destroyed - but not by you. You have no need to prove your innocence to an insecure mind. Truth be told, he's only trying to put the focus on you so it shifts off of him. Okay, say you take the test, he's insecurities are fed, don't you think he'll find a reason to distrust you again in the future. You need to resolve the issues that have disinegrated your marriage in the first place. Rebuilding trust and faith is difficult, more difficult if one is not equally vested in the relationship. I'm not sure if you are looking at things objectively.
I would consider these questions: Is this the kinda life you are happy in? Does he respect and love you as much as you do him? Is he remorseful for his own actions? Is he willing to go to therapy instead of a lie detector test?
I'd sit down and do a plus and minus list. Get a clear picture of your marriage. Then I would pray and pray and pray for God's direction. I wouldn't step without guidance from God. Seek our counseling, even if your husband won't go.
Remember, your kids are and will be affected by this. If it's an unhealthy relationship they will be affected. Children learn by example, just be clear what example you want to set for them.
I would consider these questions: Is this the kinda life you are happy in? Does he respect and love you as much as you do him? Is he remorseful for his own actions? Is he willing to go to therapy instead of a lie detector test?
I'd sit down and do a plus and minus list. Get a clear picture of your marriage. Then I would pray and pray and pray for God's direction. I wouldn't step without guidance from God. Seek our counseling, even if your husband won't go.
Remember, your kids are and will be affected by this. If it's an unhealthy relationship they will be affected. Children learn by example, just be clear what example you want to set for them.
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I tried telling him that whole thing that you stated about marriage and how he would rather believe a machine than me and my heart. I asked him if he loved me and he said he does but he just has to know in his heart that I have been faithful to him because this is something that he is feeling in his heart and gut. He stated that he wants to ensure that the person standing next to him for the rest of his life isn't something that they are not. And this is the only way that he feels that could be accomplished, that way according to him we can start on a good foundation and then work on his trust issues and everything else he has done.
Is he remorseful -- No, not really at all. He has stated that he knows he messed up but he wants to try now and how could I just throw away our family when that is all I have to do is take a "simple test". I have always stated that I would do anything for our family and now he is using those words against me. I think more than anything it shocked him when I filed for divorce because he knows how strongly I am against that.
I asked him if we could go to a counsler to discuss this and whatever the counsler told us that we should do we would do -- so if he/she stated that we should that the test then I would have no arguement and if he/she said don't then we wouldn't. He said no -- he wants to go to counseling after the test. He said that he knows he has issues but this is something in his heart that he feels he needs and if I really loved him I would help him resolve this inner issue of his. I do love my husband and I know that with the help of the lord I would be able to move past everything that he has done, I just don't want to be the same over trusting person that I have been my whole life and allow myself to get hurt. I am really bad at standing up to him, he somehow always turns it all around on me.... not sure why I am that way because in every other area of my life I am the strong one.... what should I tell him to try to make him see that I want to work on our marriage and I am not trying to push this "under the rug" so to speak...... I know this sounds very pathetic but I am not sure how to stand up for myself.....
Is he remorseful -- No, not really at all. He has stated that he knows he messed up but he wants to try now and how could I just throw away our family when that is all I have to do is take a "simple test". I have always stated that I would do anything for our family and now he is using those words against me. I think more than anything it shocked him when I filed for divorce because he knows how strongly I am against that.
I asked him if we could go to a counsler to discuss this and whatever the counsler told us that we should do we would do -- so if he/she stated that we should that the test then I would have no arguement and if he/she said don't then we wouldn't. He said no -- he wants to go to counseling after the test. He said that he knows he has issues but this is something in his heart that he feels he needs and if I really loved him I would help him resolve this inner issue of his. I do love my husband and I know that with the help of the lord I would be able to move past everything that he has done, I just don't want to be the same over trusting person that I have been my whole life and allow myself to get hurt. I am really bad at standing up to him, he somehow always turns it all around on me.... not sure why I am that way because in every other area of my life I am the strong one.... what should I tell him to try to make him see that I want to work on our marriage and I am not trying to push this "under the rug" so to speak...... I know this sounds very pathetic but I am not sure how to stand up for myself.....
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Southern Cross
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Hardtime, you have the power here. You tell him what you want. Does he need to be reminded that you can take him for everything? You can still work on this marriage, but for your sake and that of your children, don't be a door mat.
I would be of the mind that if he does not go to counseling, your next step is to get a lawyer right away - the best one you can find. Doesn't mean you have to follow through with it, not at all. But it means you take this seriously. You have nothing to prove to him. He has everything to prove to you. Turn the tables, stand your ground. If you take this test, what will he ask for in the future when the marriage gets into trouble again?
I would be of the mind that if he does not go to counseling, your next step is to get a lawyer right away - the best one you can find. Doesn't mean you have to follow through with it, not at all. But it means you take this seriously. You have nothing to prove to him. He has everything to prove to you. Turn the tables, stand your ground. If you take this test, what will he ask for in the future when the marriage gets into trouble again?
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heartnsoul
Don't settle for less than God's best!
According to what you described, your husband is the one who had an affair and now is trying to turn the tables on you by trying to hurt you in efforts to divert the attention off of himself to avoid facing guilt. You need to stand strong and fight for the "health" of your marriage and suggest marital counseling for both of you. Whether he realizes it or not, he has dishonored the marriage vows and you will probably suffer (if not already) emotional, self-esteem issues from his cheating AND the trust is seriously violated in the marriage. Trust is the foundation to any relationship. It will be VERY difficult to rebuild. It can be rebuilt but it would require 110% commitment and dedication, and TRUE REPENTANCE by your husband before any healing of the marriage could take place.hardtime said:
It sounds like he hasn't shown any remorse or repented of his cheating. You are justified to divorce him. Adultery is grounds for a divorce according to the bible. Draw close to God as you are going through some very emotional times right now. Like Southern Cross suggested, seek a lawyer if he refuses to go to marital counseling with you. But honestly, even with counseling, if he doesn't truly repent for what he has done, history will probably repeat itself and the trust will continue to be violated. So, stand strong and trust in God. God loves you and wants the best for you. I pray that God lifts you up right now and gives you the strength and courage to stand up for a *godly* marriage. No matter what happens, know that God will always love you and never leave you even if divorce happens. Keep us posted. Hugs...
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Warrior Poet
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Turn the table on your own insecurities bravo ol' chap.
Wether or not there is truth to his thoughts on you cheating what he did is just a flat out cop-out. He messed up and instead of doing the only REAL option left ( fully admiting the problem then starting to "rectify" it) he has taken the wuss' way out and blamed his problems on something or someone else. I mean its just sooooo easy to do.
Who ever said you have the "power" is right. If he says proving your trustworthyness is to join the family together, then he must do the same and abide by your request to do so as you see fit.... he cant make up the rules to the game then not follow em, that not how it works.
Warrior Poet
Wether or not there is truth to his thoughts on you cheating what he did is just a flat out cop-out. He messed up and instead of doing the only REAL option left ( fully admiting the problem then starting to "rectify" it) he has taken the wuss' way out and blamed his problems on something or someone else. I mean its just sooooo easy to do.
Who ever said you have the "power" is right. If he says proving your trustworthyness is to join the family together, then he must do the same and abide by your request to do so as you see fit.... he cant make up the rules to the game then not follow em, that not how it works.
Warrior Poet
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madison1101
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First, I would call a lawyer and find out what he/she thinks of this idea. Then, I would call a psychotherapist and see him/her to find out what my issues are that I need to stay with this controlling, manipulative, adulterer. He doesn't want a marriage. If he did, he would not have left, nor would he have slept with someone else.
Sorry for being so honest.
Sorry for being so honest.
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