What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

[CodySmith]

Hello all,

Odd first post here, but I don't know... maybe God may speak through the digital world now... same as in writing right?

So I have a problem. I am no longer attracted to my wife physically, and havent been for some time now. This is a problem you hear a lot in reverse (where the wife is not attracted to the husband), but this time its me not attracted to her. I love her very much however, yet Christ was very clear in Matthew 19:8-9 that divorce is not an option and I am struggling keep it off the table - and certainly hope to - we have so much together. Just nothing in the bedroom.

Nevertheless when men are not attracted to women then there is a different problem then if women are not attracted to men.... things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Any advice?

 

[Paul of Eugene OR]

Hello all,

Odd first post here, but I don't know... maybe God may speak through the digital world now... same as in writing right?

So I have a problem. I am no longer attracted to my wife physically, and havent been for some time now. This is a problem you hear a lot in reverse (where the wife is not attracted to the husband), but this time its me not attracted to her. I love her very much however, yet Christ was very clear in Matthew 19:8-9 that divorce is not an option and I am struggling keep it off the table - and certainly hope to - we have so much together. Just nothing in the bedroom.

Nevertheless when men are not attracted to women then there is a different problem then if women are not attracted to men.... things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Any advice?

Refrain from all other means of sexual satisfaction . . . no masturbation, no affairs . . . allow your body's natural desire for sex to have only the one possible outlet. (Of course, you might be doing this already, I don't mean to imply anything, just covering that base here.)

 

[Call me Nic]

If your physical attraction to her was keeping you guys married in the first place (I say this because you said that keeping divorce off the table is really difficult because you're not attracted to her anymore), then you might need to reconsider and reexamine the reason why you married her in the first place. Marriage is a gift and blessing from God, and your wife knows you better than any other person on earth; the bond you guys have should never even be close to being in jeopardy just because one of the people in the marriage is not attracted to the other anymore - the unity and relationship between you two should be built upon so much more than that. If it's difficult for you to not consider divorce over something like, then you should get on your knees and keep praying to God, setting your mind on things that are heavenly so that the foolishness of the flesh is contended with. We resist the lusts of the flesh by walking in the Spirit, and the lusts of the flesh can manifest as carnal dissatisfaction with your spouse due to lack of physical attraction, which gives you "greener grass syndrome".

I'm not saying that its your fault you're not attracted to her; frankly thats out of your control. But how you respond to this feeling and what you let affect you IS in your control, and how much faith you choose to have in confronting this problem is also up to you, if you so pray for it.

That is all I have to say.

 

[SkyWriting]

Hello all,

Odd first post here, but I don't know... maybe God may speak through the digital world now... same as in writing right?

So I have a problem. I am no longer attracted to my wife physically, and havent been for some time now. This is a problem you hear a lot in reverse (where the wife is not attracted to the husband), but this time its me not attracted to her. I love her very much however, yet Christ was very clear in Matthew 19:8-9 that divorce is not an option and I am struggling keep it off the table - and certainly hope to - we have so much together. Just nothing in the bedroom.

Nevertheless when men are not attracted to women then there is a different problem then if women are not attracted to men.... things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Any advice?

The problem may be that she is not "Hot" for you.
If you sense that she is not "in awe" of you then
this causes hormones to drop. You can improve
her disposition by improving yours. So you can
put in the effort, to get her admiration, which
ratchets up your hormones.

I recently remembered that I spoke of taking my wifes
hand when we met and not letting go. But we didn't
even touch sitting on the same couch for many months.
Trade your sofa in for a love seat. I called for twice as
many pillows on the sofa and that has helped. We often
touch much more.

 

[CodySmith]

I should add...

No I do not 'relieve' myself. Havent in a long time.
She has a large desire/lust/awe for me.
I just simply have no physical/visual sexual interest in her.

We were married not for physical attraction as much as we had a child together. We had a child out of wedlock. We were in sin. We got married because I thought it was the right thing. That child is no longer. Passed away.

So here we are... she longs for me physically... I long 'to long' for her physically... I dont (the exact opposite of the norm). We both believe in God now. We didnt before. We are married.

 

[*LILAC]

Nevertheless when men are not attracted to women then there is a different problem then if women are not attracted to men.... things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Possibly a drop in your testosterone and get that checked out? All kinds of stuff you can do for yourself to keep yourself healthy and boost up your hormones which is also part of what makes your wife attractive to you.

 

[mama2one]

Cody
so sorry for the loss of your child
that is very difficult for married couples to deal with
have you both grieved together or are you still grieving?

 

[SkyWriting]

The physical thing is a manifest of some other issue. My first wife was physically deformed
due to arthritis as a child but it had no effect on my interest in her physically. This has
always amazed me.

 

[Cheylynn]

Hello all,

Odd first post here, but I don't know... maybe God may speak through the digital world now... same as in writing right?

So I have a problem. I am no longer attracted to my wife physically, and havent been for some time now. This is a problem you hear a lot in reverse (where the wife is not attracted to the husband), but this time its me not attracted to her. I love her very much however, yet Christ was very clear in Matthew 19:8-9 that divorce is not an option and I am struggling keep it off the table - and certainly hope to - we have so much together. Just nothing in the bedroom.

Nevertheless when men are not attracted to women then there is a different problem then if women are not attracted to men.... things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Any advice?

I think that you need to do some soul searching, as really, you could get all the advice here, really good advice too, but only you know the problem. You may not know right this moment, you may have a suspicion but its time to go down deep to figure this out. Ultimately who you should be asking anything from is God - He knows exactly what is going on. If you are willing to be honest, first with yourself then to God - then my advice is to go to God. Not just once, not twice not even every day for the next week! Go until you get the answer. Humble yourself - though, or you will not hear a thing. Be ready for what He reveals to you, so be ready to roll up those sleeves for you got some work ahead of you - that's if you really want to get tot he bottom of this - and chances are it has nothing to do with sex at all.

 

[tall73]

Hello all,

Odd first post here, but I don't know... maybe God may speak through the digital world now... same as in writing right?

So I have a problem. I am no longer attracted to my wife physically, and havent been for some time now. This is a problem you hear a lot in reverse (where the wife is not attracted to the husband), but this time its me not attracted to her. I love her very much however, yet Christ was very clear in Matthew 19:8-9 that divorce is not an option and I am struggling keep it off the table - and certainly hope to - we have so much together. Just nothing in the bedroom.

Nevertheless when men are not attracted to women then there is a different problem then if women are not attracted to men.... things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Any advice?

So when you first had sex you were attracted?

What changed?

 

[dysert]

Cody, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. My wife and I are in the very same situation (with the exception that she has no attraction for me either). And I'm at the age where ED is not uncommon, so I don't "relieve" myself either. (Frankly, I have no interest.)

I'm assuming you're younger than me, so I have to wonder (as do some other posters) whether this came on as a result of losing your child? That kind of trauma can wreak all sorts of emotional and psychological problems. Perhaps the first thing you both should do is get into counseling to make sure you've adequately grieved that loss?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know from first-hand experience that it's very difficult. It's great, though, that you're not talking divorce. Over the years my wife and I (after trying the counseling route) have eventually just settled into a pattern of being together but without sex/romance/etc. Neither of us likes it, but neither of us seems to be able to (or want to) fix it. Absent a miracle, we are doomed to live in limbo like this until one of us passes on. I truly hope that you don't have to suffer the same fate and that counseling (and don't forget about getting a physical checkup) might help.

Feel free to PM me if you want to vent to someone who's in your shoes.

 

[mama2one]

I'm assuming you're younger than me, so I have to wonder (as do some other posters) whether this came on as a result of losing your child? That kind of trauma can wreak all sorts of emotional and psychological problems. Perhaps the first thing you both should do is get into counseling to make sure you've adequately grieved that loss?.

agree ^

Cody, however, if above is not the case
and if your stated age of 31 is correct, would think you'd want to find a solution

people's bodies do change as one ages
recently told husband, we are still "us" , not our bodies

our bodies are but a shell
the last time with husband, when closed my eyes, kissed him, and touched his face/stroked his hair, I thought
"this is the man I love"

remember, she is the woman you love

 

[CodySmith]

So when you first had sex you were attracted?

What changed?

The most common one... weight.

We are not grieving anymore. That was several years ago.

I respect everything God has told me through His word. Im fine with not having sex for the remainder of our lives if thats what He desires. Shes had health problems that makes it hard to loose weight like a lot of women. For years and years, I've also asked that He somehow heal her body so she can loose weight. Shes gone through several operations. Shes trying. Im trying. No progress. Ive also asked that he somehow make me attracted to her. Change my mind somehow... so I can be good husband.

And recently it seems I cant even get it right for her in the bedroom. And that is just a huge failure on my part I guess.

However, thats not good enough for my wife. Thats the problem. She seems to require sex and I cant give her what she wants. She is young, so its like I cant sit her down and say "Honey I cant get it right for you because I'm not attracted to you. So we will just have to deal with it like this until you are healed or we die." Yeah that would not fly.

The easy worldly route and old jewish route would be... just get a divorce ... simple done. So I would not feel bad if she wanted one - but I know what Jesus has said and what is written is written - So I will never ever suggest it.

 

[tall73]

The most common one... weight.

We are not grieving anymore. That was several years ago.

I respect everything God has told me through His word. Im fine with not having sex for the remainder of our lives if thats what He desires. Shes had health problems that makes it hard to loose weight like a lot of women. For years and years, I've also asked that He somehow heal her body so she can loose weight. Shes gone through several operations. Shes trying. Im trying. No progress. Ive also asked that he somehow make me attracted to her. Change my mind somehow... so I can be good husband.

And recently it seems I cant even get it right for her in the bedroom. And that is just a huge failure on my part I guess.

However, thats not good enough for my wife. Thats the problem. She seems to require sex and I cant give her what she wants. She is young, so its like I cant sit her down and say "Honey I cant get it right for you because I'm not attracted to you. So we will just have to deal with it like this until you are healed or we die." Yeah that would not fly.

The easy worldly route and old jewish route would be... just get a divorce ... simple done. So I would not feel bad if she wanted one - but I know what Jesus has said and what is written is written - So I will never ever suggest it.

What is her BMI?

https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/lose_wt/BMI/bmicalc.htm?source=quickfitnesssolutions

 

[JRichard68]

What is her BMI?

Calculate Your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator

I've seen from your posts that you tend to be a bit analytical, but can I ask why this one matters, or why it's your/our business?

 

[tall73]

I've seen from your posts that you tend to be a bit analytical, but can I ask why this one matters, or why it's your/our business?

Based on the statement that she has had surgeries it is likely that there is a significant weight problem.

However, we have also had times where someone was concerned with his wife being overweight when the spouse was actually not overweight, or even under weight.

And on the other hand if someone is significantly overweight to the point that sex can be limited by that then that is different than just a situation where someone is having difficulty with attraction. So far it sounds like that is the case

If he feels he does not want to answer, he need not.

I chose to ask about BMI as a measure because it does not require giving a specific weight, and generally gives a good idea of the situation.

Surgery could refer to plastic surgery, liposuction, gastric bypass, etc., and the reasons for each might be different.

Generally I think it is best to get an idea of what is happening before saying much.

Now that he has clarified weight is the primary issue, it might be good to see how weight is the issue.

 

[dysert]

I had a similar reaction as JRichard had. Some people aren't attracted to overweight folks. Some people aren't attracted to underweight folks. So *whatever* her BMI is, it's a turnoff to Cody.

 

[tall73]

And recently it seems I cant even get it right for her in the bedroom. .

Is this referring to ED, or some other issue that limits you from providing what she needs?

 

[mama2one]

. So *whatever* her BMI is, it's a turnoff to Cody.

the amt of weight is irrelevant
in Cody's first post he states that he loves her very much

the fact is he has a wife who he loves very much AND
she wants to have sex with him

just do it
fake it til you make it
start off slow, eventually your body should respond

if it won't, maybe get a health checkup?

 

[tall73]

I had a similar reaction as JRichard had. Some people aren't attracted to overweight folks. Some people aren't attracted to underweight folks. So *whatever* her BMI is, it's a turnoff to Cody.

That may be. But if someone wants their wife who is already underweight to lose more weight, that is both unhealthy and selfish. And we have had that before.

And it also makes a difference if there are actual physical limitations due to the issue or just his attraction.