what to do when i feel like this.....

[ServinHim]

ok, so i'm new on here, well, not new, i use to come on here alot years ago, but i just rejoined....

i need some advice on a situation i'm going through....

there's a man at my church that him and i have been friends now for 3yrs....we've both been single during these times, but now he has a g/f, and it BOTHERS me.....I know i use to care about him, but i didn't think much of it cuz he's really not my type in alot of ways, but for whatever reason, it hurts....
but i think, and so do many others that we know, think the only reason he's never wanted to be with me is because i'm overweight, i have a severe thyroid disorder that the dr. just discovered, cuz i've always been upset about not knowing why i was overweight when i eat right and exercise every day....but anywho...we think that's why.....and now when i'm losing weight, it's too late.....

why can't men see past that, and what should i do to make sure i don't continue feeling hurt if this thing between them becomes serious????

 

[rk1211]

Hey girl, Stick in there. I have been through similar situations and it's always tough. Looking back, I see that God has had His hand in each situation, preparing me for the one I am supposed to be with.

As far as the overweight thing goes, I am a guy in pretty good shape and I would have no problem dating a girl that was overweight as long as she respected her body and ate well. I am not attracted to women who eat potato chips and ice-cream all day. But I am also not attracted to women who count calories and are afraid to eat anything besides a salad.

As a society, our minds are bombarded with photoshopped and airbrushed women all day. The media, especially advertising says that we need to look a certain way to be significant and valuable to others. This mindset hurts everyone, but women are especially prone to this, believing that if they work out enough, wear the right kind of clothing and the proper makeup that they will be appreciated by guys. As a guy, I am extremely dissapointed because the men in my generation are being robbed of real beauty. The media portrays their touched-up images and we get women who feel like they need to fit into that box. I'm tired of seeing women act a certain way to get my attention- or wear certain clothes- or put on extra make-up. What I want is a woman that reflects the countenance of the Lord, who's faith is deep and who honors and trusts the Lord's plan for her. I want a woman who is real with me, who has enough confidence to not have to fit into that box.

Stay strong and seek out the Lord. He is always faithful to us. It may not be the way you expected, but His ways are much better than our own and I believe that He wants to bless us in ways that we can't imagine.

 

[ethan03]

ok, so i'm new on here, well, not new, i use to come on here alot years ago, but i just rejoined....

i need some advice on a situation i'm going through....

there's a man at my church that him and i have been friends now for 3yrs....we've both been single during these times, but now he has a g/f, and it BOTHERS me.....I know i use to care about him, but i didn't think much of it cuz he's really not my type in alot of ways, but for whatever reason, it hurts....
but i think, and so do many others that we know, think the only reason he's never wanted to be with me is because i'm overweight, i have a severe thyroid disorder that the dr. just discovered, cuz i've always been upset about not knowing why i was overweight when i eat right and exercise every day....but anywho...we think that's why.....and now when i'm losing weight, it's too late.....

why can't men see past that, and what should i do to make sure i don't continue feeling hurt if this thing between them becomes serious????

idk..
i think men do have a problem seeing past that..
i know i do, im man enough to admit it.
but that's just me, i don't care. i don't feel like a bad person for only wanting highly fit and healthy women. as much time as i spend playing basketball and lifting weights, it's only natural i date a girl who can relate to my level.

i know what you mean though, if my top prospect got a boyfriend tomorrow i'd be a sad pup.

your best bet is to just loose more weight, and find a stud more good looking than him. you gotta realize it's his loss, and you're moving on. don't hang around him, be around him, see him, think about him or anything.

 

[Luther073082]

Most men can see past that. Some can't though.

However I would suggest to you that you look within yourself for something most men can't see past.

If you lack confidence, that is far more unattractive then weight is.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

ok, so i'm new on here, well, not new, i use to come on here alot years ago, but i just rejoined....

i need some advice on a situation i'm going through....

there's a man at my church that him and i have been friends now for 3yrs....we've both been single during these times, but now he has a g/f, and it BOTHERS me.....I know i use to care about him, but i didn't think much of it cuz he's really not my type in alot of ways, but for whatever reason, it hurts....
but i think, and so do many others that we know, think the only reason he's never wanted to be with me is because i'm overweight, i have a severe thyroid disorder that the dr. just discovered, cuz i've always been upset about not knowing why i was overweight when i eat right and exercise every day....but anywho...we think that's why.....and now when i'm losing weight, it's too late.....

why can't men see past that, and what should i do to make sure i don't continue feeling hurt if this thing between them becomes serious????

I don't think it is "too late" at all. This guy is most likely not the guy God has in mind for you. You said yourself that he isn't your type. And to some extent I disagree with your friends that being overweight was the only reason he may not have been interested in you romantically. If he's not your type then there's a good possibility you're not his type, either.

As for why a lot of men are more likely to be put off by flaws in appearance, well, one answer proposed by evolutionary psychologists says that men are more geared towards physical appearance because there are subtle cues about fertility in a woman's appearance, such as waist to hip ratio. When a woman is overweight that may interfere with the waist to hip ratio. (However I have read studies where men actually preferred somewhat heavier women as long as they had a good waist to hip ratio.)

Another possible answer is that culturally, in this society, we are programmed to appreciate a certain look. In some cultures, model-like thinness is actually not valued, and historically, there have been times when heavier women were considered most attractive.

That being said, in today's world not all men have an inability to look past physical flaws, just some. I don't necessarily blame men for wanting someone who appears physically fit, but there are other variables to look at that are important, too, such as personality factors. Another thing is that a person doesn't have to be thin to be fit; a heavier person who exercises regularly can be more healthy than a thin person who never exercises. The most important thing is to be healthy.

You'd probably be better off with a man who does have the ability to look past things like whether or not you've got a flat tummy. In the long run, in a marriage, there's going to be pregnancies and getting old and all that fun stuff. For that you're going to want somebody that sees something in you besides just your body.

Lastly, to make sure you don't continue to feel hurt, I'd say the best thing you could do is distance yourself from this friendship.

 

[Fremdin]

Eventually you will meet somebody who sees past that. I know it's hard. I'm a fatty, I don't care about it. Because I know that even though I may not ever be the prettiest, skinniest girl I know I bring a great deal to the table. It's really easy to get down on yourself about it. I go through phases where I absolutely hate myself because of my weight, then other times I think to myself "If that's all guys care about that's their failing not mine." It does suck that they don't want me, but it sucks for them too, because I am clearly awesome. And so are you. You just have to convince yourself of that, and everyone else will see it too. I feel like since I'm overweight I should hide in the corner like a wallflower, Most of the time I want to, but I don't do it. Because I shouldn't have to hate myself, even if I sometimes do. And neither should you. I walk into rooms like I am the warm center that the life of this world crowds around because somebody needs to love me, and if there aren't any other takers I guess I'll do it.

 

[Sketcher]

There are Christian men who like women who are a little chunky. One of them is a good friend of mine who's getting married this summer, and his fiance fits the bill.

 

[Blank123]

honestly, i wouldn't dwell too much on *why* he didn't want to be with you, thats a sure-fire way to drive yourself crazy. You'll start picking on everything about yourself that you consider a flaw and without even knowing if thats why you'll start needlessly beating yourself up over it.

You're just not his type. Only he and God know why, but i'm willing to bet it doesn't depend on your weight. When a man is really in love with you, your weight will not matter to him. More than likely its just that the chemistry was not there, and no one would be at fault for that.

I am sorry though, i know how it feels when someone you really like becomes interested in someone else. It sucks. take some time to grieve over it and allow yourself some distance from him to really be able to move on.

 

[ServinHim]

Thanks everyone so much!!!!

 

[Stravinsk]

but i think, and so do many others that we know, think the only reason he's never wanted to be with me is because i'm overweight, ...

Some of the most beautiful women (beauty of character) I have met are overweight. I eventually married one, and accepted it because I liked her.

Then I fell into her bad eating habits, ate her cooking, and I gained weight. No big deal as far as the relationship went...except that I started to have minor health problems that were becomming annoying: Infections that wouldn't go away, regular 3 times a week headaches, blood from constipation etc.

Then she got sick(rather, we became aware of her sickness) and died(at 33), and I know that a fairly large part of the reason was her eating/lack of excersise habits for many years, because in the interum I immersed myself in learning about food/alternative medicine and became accutely aware of how different foods affect the human body.

She neither smoked or drank alcohol, nor took drugs.

For me, weight is something of an issue - I don't want to go through that again with a partner. Seeing them suffer and die hurts way way too much.

By the same account I wouldn't fault a woman who didn't want to date me because I smoke. So what do I do about it? 20 year habit - I've got to try again to quit.

Sometimes its not about that they just can't see past a flaw or that they are *conditioned by society* or whatever.

 

[stephanieamber]

OK darlin. This is what I think. If that boy is not interested in you, then he is not right for you. Sometimes it sucks, I know. There WILL BE someone that sees YOU and cares for YOU. If this guy is not him, then you gotta let it go. And if for whatever reason it ends up being him, then it will happen. Sometimes I think we tend to let ourselves get really really helpless in situations of liking boys.. and we let our emotions completely control us, until we are doing and saying things that make absolutely no sense and aren't what we are or what we want.

One thing I've done in times of boy pains is to have a journal that I am keeping for whoever I end up marrying. It sounds kind of cheesy and lame, I know.. but I am not even a romantic, cheesy kind of girl! To me it's just a coping mechanism! Anyway.. I write to whoever he is about the struggles I'm feeling and what it makes me feel and how much more it makes me already love him for who he is, because I can see everything he is not.

Anyway. That's probably my deepest darkest secret, that journal thing.. and here I blabbed it on the net. But you should try it.. very therapeutic