What to do when ex lies to children?

[jenelis]

So my six year old came home from her dads and it seems like he's filled her full of lies/mistruths.

#1 - When a child is sick, they're sick. Telling them that they don't need a doctor because daddy is just like a doctor and sometimes smarter and that she'll get better-- that's a bit over the edge to me-- particularly when Mommy gets to take off work for a doctors trip that could have been handled over the weekend.

#2 - Flat out lies. "Daddy ownes a business." Apparently, he said so. Well, he doesn't. But my boyfrind does. Interesting.

#3 - (This is the kicker to me) "Daddy says I'm safe at his house, but not at your's". First of all, they are both her houses-- not mine and his. And second of all-- he's referring to a horrible break-in I had that was a complete act of random violence. Even if she's not safe with me (which she is), why would he tell her that???

I think I should fluff these things off-- but I can't do it! She says them and I hit the roof and just tell her like it is... saying, "that's not true sweetie... and maybe you misunderstood Daddy." She's adament that she didn't.


Also, two visits ago he left her with a co-worker at his work for quite some time while he was working. Yes, that's okay. But he works for a lock down facility with criminal youth whom my daughter described in vivid detail.

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGG!

Please God, help me straighten this out because I only think he does this type of stuff to get under my skin!

Any suggestions anyone????

 

[LostnFound]

Gosh...can't they just be juvenile !!!!! I get that from my DH, for heaven's sake...not even EX! I try to be real neutral. Ex: Well, sometimes your Dad and I see things a little differently. Here's how I see this.
I have to get pretty creative to come up with wording that doesn't denigrate my DH, while still making it clear that what was said might not be SANE!!!

 

[Avaya]

Well, my stepdaughter is a teenager, so she already knows everything, so when we hear her repeat one of her mother's lies, there's no point trying to correct her! LOLLOL Seriously though, if my stepdaughter tells us something that her mother lied about, I leave her mother out of it completly and tell her "That's just not true." and then I tell her why it's not true. I don't say, "Your mother lied about that." If I have to refer to her mother at all, I try to say "Your mom is mistaken" (because like you said, you can't convince the child that THEY misunderstood).

Some of the examples you gave, like daddy being like a doctor and daddy's house being more safe, I'd just say "Well, that's just what daddy thinks and it's okay for him to think that if he wants to, I just don't agree."

 

[heartnsoul]

Since your daughter is six years old, she is old enough to understand reason. So whenever she tells you about another lie that your ex says, then there's no harm for you to be honest with her. To tell her that she misunderstood her dad is not the truth, true? By you saying that, it's not being truthful either. In order for your daughter to learn honesty, it will help if at least one of the parents (meaning *you*) be truthful to her. But I believe there's a way to speak the truth in love. For instance, you can say, "Well, dad thinks he's like a doctor, but he really isn't because doctors go to many years of schooling and have a doctor's degree. Dad sometimes likes to make up things that are not true." I think that would be a fair statement without totally degrading your ex. I can appreciate trying to be civil and not put down your ex, but in situations like this, honesty is more important than tolerating someone lying.

So in this case since your ex is lying, that's unacceptable. In my opinion, he's already crossed the line of being *civil* and *fair*. If your ex is concerned about the safety of your home, that should be discussed with you one-on-one privately behind closed doors. To drag your daughter in the middle of you two is just downright playing unfair. So unfortunately, given your ex's behavior, you will need to be completely honest with your daughter and if that means calling your ex a "liar"...so be it. Truth is truth. Your daughter needs to know the truth now before she gets older. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't tolerate any lying at all. Can you imagine how much worse it could get if you let this go for years? Lying is evil and destructive behavior and has no place in a Christian walk. So, before evil takes root down the road, it's best to try and nip this in the bud now.

I will pray for you and your daughter. May God give you the strength, wisdom and courage to defend your godly home and family. I pray that God also convicts your ex-husband of his lying. You may also want to have a confrontation with your ex about his lying. It probably won't change things, but at least you will let him know that you don't appreciate his behaviors and words and that you will not tolerate it in *your* life. Hope things get better. Keep us posted.

 

[jenelis]

I think I'm just filled up to neck with the lies from him. A few weeks ago I filed legal paperwork to ammend the agreements (or disagreements) of the divorce. This will probably help things in the longrun.

Heartnsoul-- I love your advice! I agree that I should be open and honest with her. I think I was trying that approach, but I was so angry for his tactics that the anger got in the way. I will breathe next time and think of your advice. I was rambling on about doctors and years of schooling and "Daddy's not a doctor." But I know that part came out wrong.

My house is not unsafe and he knows it. The world is full of psychotic people and one found me and took advantage of what could have been an unlocked door (I'm not certain) and I know for a fact that God was on double-duty that night. I know for a fact he was there protecting me and my daughter. And I just have zero respect for my ex telling my daughter that she is unsafe here.

And to prove that god works in mysterious ways... my ex is an ordained minister <-- or so he says. I have seen his degree from seminary. But he is far from being a Christian.

Thanks for listening to my gripes! And thank you for the prayers. Heartnsoul-- you always have great advice for others!

 

[Chrystal-J]

My Ex is good for telling some whopping lies! Some are so wild, I actually laugh at them. My current husband says: "Man! It must be nice to be a doctor, lawyer and successful businessman!" (LOL! Cuz none of it is true--just my Ex's way of pulling up his self esteem. He didn't even graduate from High School! And he never kept a job more than 8 months!)
There's nothing you can do for someone who needs to tell crazy lies in order to make up for low self-esteem or laziness (or what-ever their problem is). All you can do is be honest with your kids and tell them what the truth really is. You might say that your Ex is having problems and needs to see things from a different point of view. (Or how-ever you want to phrase it.) But, make sure you are gentle about it cuz it's really easy to become angry with your Ex when they are telling stories. And I would "pick my battles" carefully, because you don't want to reach your "boiling point" over a minor point. I've been there--done that, and it's just not worth it. (Too much stress.) So, if his lies are not going to cause harm to your kids--I would let some of it just go.
Take Care & I hope things get better with you!
Chrystal

 

[heartnsoul]

You're welcome...and thank you for your kind words. That's what we're all here for...to help one another and support each other through the good times and bad times. Glad all of us are here to help! Hang in there, things will work out at the end.

 

[jenelis]

Heartnsoul-- I was writing my response when you posted-- I edited so please read post above.

Thanks for everything!

 

[heartnsoul]

Heartnsoul-- I was writing my response when you posted-- I edited so please read post above.

Thanks for everything!

Glad we're sisters in Christ! Big hugs to you!!

 

[Yitzchak]

A lot of us who are divorced have to deal with an ex who lies and does thing concerning the children which show terrible judgment.

Since your child is only six years old, you probably will have many more years of dealing with your ex about these type of things. My oldest daughter is turning 18 in three weeks and it is getting much easier to deal with her mother's lies and irresponsible behavior concerning her.

I do agree that you should be truthful with your daughter. But I would also say that you should be very careful about saying negative things about their father at the age of six. Children at that age cannot process that kind of stuff like a teen or an adult could. Ideally, these type of issues should be discussed between the adults but the fact that you are divorced probably indicates that communication and cooperation are not at an all time high in the relationship between you and your ex. Doctor Phil is right when he says that divorce doesn't end your relationship with your ex it only changes it. You will have to deal with your ex and make the best of it for your daughter's sake.

I would say that you should limit your criticism of your ex to only when absolutely neccesary. It really has a negative effect on six year olds even when you are correcting bad behavior on his part. These are adult issues and your six year old should not have to deal with them in any form.

 

[E_Powers]

#1 - When a child is sick, they're sick. Telling them that they don't need a doctor because daddy is just like a doctor and sometimes smarter and that she'll get better-- that's a bit over the edge to me-- particularly when Mommy gets to take off work for a doctors trip that could have been handled over the weekend

if by this he means daddy is the lord then it is not a lie (but clearly this is not the case) but in this he is just trying to encourage thee child in a bad spot in their life

but ultimatly all you can do is trust in the lord that the damage done by the lies are mute. and view it as insecurity on the part of the lying individual to try and hide fear of losing children.

 

[jenelis]

You guys are telling me what I already know, but sometimes have a hard time putting in to practice.

I am still angry at my ex for creating an unhealthy relationship where I felt my best option was to get out. I'm angry that I became the proverbial single-mom. I'm angry that things that come easy for other families are hard work for me.

I also take my second full time job of "mommy' very seriously and I resent the position that I was left in.

When he rubs me the wrong way, sometimes I bite! But regardless of that, i just can't tolerate some of the horrible, irresponsible, manipulative things he does to "get back" at me.

It is awfully nice to have a place like CF where I can get some of this off my back and get good, wholesome christian feedback from others who choose God's ways too. So thanks everyone-- those who give advice, those who think of these posts during their day and those who just read and nod their heads.

I'm working on my anger. I just wish my ex would work on his short-comings too!

 

[Serving4Christ]

Jenelis, This is a long one...

Hi, my name is Dan, currently separated, pending divorce on March 22, 2005. I've been going through this for over a year.

I can assure you that whatever your ex says to your children, will one day catch up with him. The one important thing you need to know is that you need not get caught up with these silly games of his. It's important for a child to know the truth, but it's also important for the right time for a child to know the truth. IMO age 6, is not the right time. It is difficult for a 6-yr old to comprehend all that is going on around them considering at that age, it's all about themselves.

I have a 10, 5, and 2 year old. My oldest who I have faithfully protected and shielded from the bitterness of this divorce (along with my two youngest) has recently, I'd say within the past two months, begun to realize the deception his mom is putting him through; and he's also grasping the concept of right and wrong a bit more.

I think the one thing Luke appreciates more than anything else was the shileding in the form of: Dad does not talk about mom in any other way than a respectful manner. There is no name calling involved. There is no middle ground that has to be proven to him. There is only love, listening, understanding, coupled with reassurance and safety.

I received a call from Luke on Saturday that mom had beaten him across the front on his legs with a wooden spoon and was constantly yelling at him throughout the night and day. She was court ordered not to do such things because of a history of it in the past. He begged and pleaded with me to come talk with her as he was hiding in the bathroom crying and whispering so she would not catch him confiding in me. I received a call again that morning that caused me to go over and try to talk with her. Luke stayed silent for almost a year going through this process and now is just beginning to open up. Respect and trust is not easily earned because they remember every little promise you've kept or broken. What seems like a possiblility to you like, "we'll go to McDonald's today" and something/emergency turns up that causes you to not make it, is related as a broken promise to a child.

Children are torn between the dedication to mom and dad. And they SHOULD NOT be coached one way or the other. Instead, they should be encouraged to openly love the other parent until they are old enough to start forming their own conclusions.

So he tells his daughter he's a businessman? She'll know the difference someday. What they'll remember more than the act of saying, "I think you misunderstood daddy," will be the fact that mommy didn't contradict anything that she was trying to express to you openly. You run the risk of shutting her down in the battle over contradiction with her dad. Be the bigger person and more importantly, be the one your daughter can confide and talk to. At that age, she's not looking for an answer of whether Daddy owns a business or not, she's looking to tell you she's proud of her daddy, just as I'm sure she says to Dad about you.

Raising children in the heat of a divorce or separation is not easy or afterwards for that matter. You'll always be torn up because of what is going on. The fact is, if you're lucky you have them over 50%, if not, you're only with them half the time which means you only know half the truth.

I took a chance with truth this wekend in going over to the house to talk to *** ( Requested to Edit: These *** mean nothing but the name of my spouse in which I'm trying to conceal. Sorry for the confusion.) about what she was doing to our son. She turned against him for confiding in me, slammed her door and he yelled in terror, "No MOM!!!" which caused me to open her door and see what was going on. He has never EVER screamed in fear like he did then. She was holding him by his shirt collar tight up gainst his neck as he was trying desperately to loosen her grip so he could run out the door for the protection of his dad. He managed to get free but not before getting caught by his shirt again as he got behind me. She had him in headlock, screaming at him, trying to drag him back inside, and I released her fingers from his shirt. She said a few choice words, walked back inside, and slammed the door.

I went straight to the police department, was told to call "Check the welfare" so they could check the state of my other 2 children. When I arrived she was talking to the police who went over to speak with her. I over here how this was my game I play to call the police on her and she told them I have a history of violence. Luke explicitly told the police officers he was afraid of his mom and that she had hit him several times across the front of his legs above his knee with a wooden spoon.

She told them I squeezed her at her watch level and they came back to tell me her wrist was red from the watch, which then placed me under automatic arrest for harrassment under the domestic violence code statute of Colorado State. EVEN THOUGH there WAS a witness to the entire episode that validated one lie she tried to tell. She stated I walked in her apartment, and that simply was not so. It was validated by the witness.

I was told I needed to walk my son back down to the apartment to his mom and anyting I did from that point on would be documented either in favor of a judgment or not. Luke was crying the whole way down grasping on to me letting the officer know he was scared and wanted to stay with me. This is what the officer said my friends, "Son, you're going to have to take the dicipline your mom gives you."

I spent the night in jail under the false accussation of harrassment/domestic violence in the form of a red area from her watch where Luke was trying to break her grip for a good 5 minutes.

I have a court date today at 1:00 p.m at which time I'll plead not guilty and face a trial with a maximum of 6 months jail time and a $5,000 in fines.

Meanwhile, my son was placed back in the home of the person who terrified him so much that he screamed in horror and ran from only to be taken back by the one who was suppose to protect him.

Moral, be the bigger person and take the high road, your children will repsect more than you know.

Dan

 

[Serving4Christ]

Jenelis, This is a long one...

Hi, my name is Dan, currently separated, pending divorce on March 22, 2005. I've been going through this for over a year.

I can assure you that whatever your ex says to your children, will one day catch up with him. The one important thing you need to know is that you need not get caught up with these silly games of his. It's important for a child to know the truth, but it's also important for the right time for a child to know the truth. IMO age 6, is not the right time. It is difficult for a 6-yr old to comprehend all that is going on around them considering at that age, it's all about themselves.

I have a 10, 5, and 2 year old. My oldest who I have faithfully protected and shielded from the bitterness of this divorce (along with my two youngest) has recently, I'd say within the past two months, begun to realize the deception his mom is putting him through; and he's also grasping the concept of right and wrong a bit more.

I think the one thing Luke appreciates more than anything else was the shileding in the form of: Dad does not talk about mom in any other way than a respectful manner. There is no name calling involved. There is no middle ground that has to be proven to him. There is only love, listening, understanding, coupled with reassurance and safety.

I received a call from Luke on Saturday that mom had beaten him across the front on his legs with a wooden spoon and was constantly yelling at him throughout the night and day. She was court ordered not to do such things because of a history of it in the past. He begged and pleaded with me to come talk with her as he was hiding in the bathroom crying and whispering so she would not catch him confiding in me. I received a call again that morning that caused me to go over and try to talk with her. Luke stayed silent for almost a year going through this process and now is just beginning to open up. Respect and trust is not easily earned because they remember every little promise you've kept or broken. What seems like a possiblility to you like, "we'll go to McDonald's today" and something/emergency turns up that causes you to not make it, is related as a broken promise to a child.

Children are torn between the dedication to mom and dad. And they SHOULD NOT be coached one way or the other. Instead, they should be encouraged to openly love the other parent until they are old enough to start forming their own conclusions.

So he tells his daughter he's a businessman? She'll know the difference someday. What they'll remember more than the act of saying, "I think you misunderstood daddy," will be the fact that mommy didn't contradict anything that she was trying to express to you openly. You run the risk of shutting her down in the battle over contradiction with her dad. Be the bigger person and more importantly, be the one your daughter can confide and talk to. At that age, she's not looking for an answer of whether Daddy owns a business or not, she's looking to tell you she's proud of her daddy, just as I'm sure she says to Dad about you.

Raising children in the heat of a divorce or separation is not easy or afterwards for that matter. You'll always be torn up because of what is going on. The fact is, if you're lucky you have them over 50%, if not, you're only with them half the time which means you only know half the truth.

I took a chance with truth this wekend in going over to the house to talk to *** (Requested to Edit: These *** indicate her name I'm trying to conceal and nothing else. Sorry for the confusion) about what she was doing to our son. She turned against him for confiding in me, slammed her door and he yelled in terror, "No MOM!!!" which caused me to open her door and see what was going on. He has never EVER screamed in fear like he did then. She was holding him by his shirt collar tight up gainst his neck as he was trying desperately to loosen her grip so he could run out the door for the protection of his dad. He managed to get free but not before getting caught by his shirt again as he got behind me. She had him in headlock, screaming at him, trying to drag him back inside, and I released her fingers from his shirt. She said a few choice words, walked back inside, and slammed the door.

I went straight to the police department, was told to call "Check the welfare" so they could check the state of my other 2 children. When I arrived she was talking to the police who went over to speak with her. I over here how this was my game I play to call the police on her and she told them I have a history of violence. Luke explicitly told the police officers he was afraid of his mom and that she had hit him several times across the front of his legs above his knee with a wooden spoon.

She told them I squeezed her at her watch level and they came back to tell me her wrist was red from the watch, which then placed me under automatic arrest for harrassment under the domestic violence code statute of Colorado State. EVEN THOUGH there WAS a witness to the entire episode that validated one lie she tried to tell. She stated I walked in her apartment, and that simply was not so. It was validated by the witness.

I was told I needed to walk my son back down to the apartment to his mom and anyting I did from that point on would be documented either in favor of a judgment or not. Luke was crying the whole way down grasping on to me letting the officer know he was scared and wanted to stay with me. This is what the officer said my friends, "Son, you're going to have to take the dicipline your mom gives you."

I spent the night in jail under the false accussation of harrassment/domestic violence in the form of a red area from her watch where Luke was trying to break her grip for a good 5 minutes.

I have a court date today at 1:00 p.m at which time I'll plead not guilty and face a trial with a maximum of 6 months jail time and a $5,000 in fines.

Meanwhile, my son was placed back in the home of the person who terrified him so much that he screamed in horror and ran from only to be taken back by the one who was suppose to protect him.

Moral, be the bigger person and take the high road, your children will repsect more than you know.

Dan

Edited 1941:07022005

 

[woman.at.the.well]

and to what Dan said. Do NOT dirty your hands. Trust me, as your children get older they WILL realize on their own without you having to do a thing who the righteous parent/example was in their life.

As hard as it was, for years my ex husband told our children things that were very untrue about me. My oldest son even use to call me "evil" when he was 4 yrs old because he was brainwashed by the ex. However, about the time he turned 16 he started to realize, "hey wait a minute, I've never actually seen or heard her BE evil," so . . .the moral of the story is - let what goes around come around in its own supernatural timing and way! God bless you!

 

[jenelis]

I TOTALLY hear you guys. And I try very hard not to bad-mouth "daddy." Usually i succeed, but sometimes it's REALLY hard. You all should understand that he completely controlled me for about 5 years-- drove my friends away and had me totally beleiving that he'd hurt me if I left him. I think I rebel to prove that I'm not afraid of him and that my life is now by my rules, not his.

I just despise the lying to her and the manipulation. Dan - I feel for you.

Have I mentioned that my ex did not tell my daughter that his mother, her grandma died? I didn't know either. I knew she had been diagosed with cancer and assumed she would die within a few years. I was online and decided to look her up in the obits thinking she could have died-- and it had been months. I printed the obit and her grandma's mom's obit (she had died 2 years prior) to place in my daughters baby book as she only has one picture with each of these women to remember them.

My daughter saw the picture and said that was her grandma. I told her that yes, this is a page talking about her life from when she died-- and she burst into tears-- this is when I found out that she wasn't even ever told--- let alone invited to the funeral or given a chance to mourn her death in her own 6-year-old way. These are the types of things that blow me away!

Thanks everyone for your responses!