What to do? Crisis expects unconditional agreement

[Steven Torman]

My wife is studying her nursing degree and is not able to find a way to study within her time constraints. She works 24 hours a week, and several times only 16 hours when she feels overwhelmed by the demand of her studies. She has no other responsibility to the two items.

Her system of study, so that she can enter into the testing time, with confidence is very strenuous. Essentially it causes her much internal anxiety which spills out into our relationship. I have to avoid her, because she will emotionally vomit all over me if I let her. Honestly, I would not mind this if she did not always have a request from me to help her.

You can skip to the emboldened sentence, reading this large example is not necessary.

In example, she might find she is having trouble with comprehension of one classes material, but feel the pressure of needing to familiarize herself with another classes. She will not want to do the later because she is so focused on the former. She will emotionally vomit all over me, and after I listen, she will make a request like, "I need you to help me with my other assignment from another class". I will agree to help. When I try "to help" it turns into me just doing it for her. But her trick is this, "she will never directly ask me to do it for her" she will only sit down with me, as I try to help her, and then frustrate me into wanting to be free from her myriad of questions, "I don't know" retorts, and emotional displays of exasperation. I will become some angst over it, I will tell her, "just go, let me do this." To which she will, then I will be angry at her for playing this game, and then she will want to apologize and say something like, "well I was under duress, or I just needed a rescue, or whatever else". She will resolve to do better, then we cycle back into the same instance.

I have tried to challenge her on this point after the emotions have died off by saying the following, "I feel like you are abusing my love for you by emotionally manipulating me". To which she will deny, claim to be so emotionally distraught and unable to track the chronology of events which I lay out before her.

I think what happens is that she gets emotional, rationalizes her feelings as needs, and does not fully understand her abuse, for it is emotionally discerned - that is to say that her memory of such decisions can only be rehearsed with the emotions are heightened to warrant such behavior.



Essentially, if I was to boil down the entire thing, it could be put in the form of a sentence which goes like this.

"I am having an emotional crisis, I need your help to be my emotional vomit bucket, and then when I have purged all these emotions, whatever I propose afterwards, which can do for me to continue the purifying process, you are to agree to unconditionally. If you do not, I will continue to have emotional dry heaves until you either begin to be emotional like me or my emotion turns anger towards you. Of which I will expect an apology, even if you did not do anything wrong."

 

[Acts2:38]

My wife is studying her nursing degree and is not able to find a way to study within her time constraints. She works 24 hours a week, and several times only 16 hours when she feels overwhelmed by the demand of her studies. She has no other responsibility to the two items.

Her system of study, so that she can enter into the testing time, with confidence is very strenuous. Essentially it causes her much internal anxiety which spills out into our relationship. I have to avoid her, because she will emotionally vomit all over me if I let her. Honestly, I would not mind this if she did not always have a request from me to help her.

You can skip to the emboldened sentence, reading this large example is not necessary.

In example, she might find she is having trouble with comprehension of one classes material, but feel the pressure of needing to familiarize herself with another classes. She will not want to do the later because she is so focused on the former. She will emotionally vomit all over me, and after I listen, she will make a request like, "I need you to help me with my other assignment from another class". I will agree to help. When I try "to help" it turns into me just doing it for her. But her trick is this, "she will never directly ask me to do it for her" she will only sit down with me, as I try to help her, and then frustrate me into wanting to be free from her myriad of questions, "I don't know" retorts, and emotional displays of exasperation. I will become some angst over it, I will tell her, "just go, let me do this." To which she will, then I will be angry at her for playing this game, and then she will want to apologize and say something like, "well I was under duress, or I just needed a rescue, or whatever else". She will resolve to do better, then we cycle back into the same instance.

I have tried to challenge her on this point after the emotions have died off by saying the following, "I feel like you are abusing my love for you by emotionally manipulating me". To which she will deny, claim to be so emotionally distraught and unable to track the chronology of events which I lay out before her.

I think what happens is that she gets emotional, rationalizes her feelings as needs, and does not fully understand her abuse, for it is emotionally discerned - that is to say that her memory of such decisions can only be rehearsed with the emotions are heightened to warrant such behavior.



Essentially, if I was to boil down the entire thing, it could be put in the form of a sentence which goes like this.

"I am having an emotional crisis, I need your help to be my emotional vomit bucket, and then when I have purged all these emotions, whatever I propose afterwards, which can do for me to continue the purifying process, you are to agree to unconditionally. If you do not, I will continue to have emotional dry heaves until you either begin to be emotional like me or my emotion turns anger towards you. Of which I will expect an apology, even if you did not do anything wrong."

Hello,

I can sympathize with you. My wife has a full time job while doing part time schooling (3 classes was her max at one time but normally 2). She emotionally cannot contend with such a load, just as like you describe. However, she doesn't manipulate me into completely and fully doing the school work. The emotional strain between us is still as you describe though, vomitus (why is this saying it's not a word and needs correction? Vomitus is a word). Unfortunately on my part, I made it more rough by telling her that it is her schooling and she needs to do it (Bad, very bad). Now, I will help her type up her essay's and such (I am much faster at typing than she is) and I will let her come up with the ideas and answers. This helped leaps and bounds, but the emotional strain was still there. It is just not in her character to have such a heavy load all at once. Some people just are not built that way.

This is something you are going to just have to deal with until she can finish the schooling part.

Suggestions:
On your part - Try to refrain from being sarcastic, pushy, uncompassionate, etc etc.

In the best tone you can, offer to help with reading to her or typing up the essay, but let her know that she has to come up with the answers and ideas or how else is she going to learn anything as a nurse especially when the time comes that she needs that said knowledge.

I would even go as far as to bounce thoughts off of her so that it helps her studies and gets her thoughts working toward the answers.

Keep in mind, the emotional stress will still come at you, but maybe these suggestions will help ease the vomitus attacks.

Do not back down from just being in a support role. She is the one who needs to learn this stuff and come up with the answers. I myself do not want a nurse who had her husband do all the work. No sir. Let her know of these kinds of situations and why she needs to come up with the answers.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

There are a couple of points I want to make.

First, you have made a rod for your own back by doing her work for her. It wont do either of you any favours in the long run. From her point of view I expect she sees it as she comes to her husband for help when stressed. You then take over and tell her you are going to do the work.

Second, when you got married you agreed to be there for her for better or worse. Marriage is a life long commitment for Christians (or should be at least). It sounds to me like you are putting yourself first. That is not good ground for a marriage.

 

[rebornfree]

I feel for you, and also your wife. Being a student is very stressful and I appreciate that you are trying to help her. However, as others have said, she must do her own work. She might like to discuss things with you but she needs to learn the material herself otherwise how will she be able to deal with patients.

A couple of practical ideas, which you've probably already considered:
- does she need to work so many hours on top of studying?
- is there a student counsellor she can talk to about the stress; most places have systems in place for students who are suffering like this?

Pray for her, and yourself, set boundaries about who does the work and suggest that she talks to someone when she feels she cannot handle the load. Also remember that it is the stress talking when she verbally hits out at you. I know it can be hard to take and I think you're doing a good job trying to support her, but it is her degree - she must do the work. Be kind but firm on that.

 

[ValleyGal]

I just finished a post-degree program (30 credits of grad school) in July. I was hard at it for ten months, all the time also working 35 hours a week in a very stressful job.

I agree with previous posters who say that she needs to do her own work. Otherwise, she will be ill-equipped to perform her job and it will show when she's hired. She may end up with a terrible work record as a result. So by telling her that you can no longer do her homework for her, you are supporting her in being successful in her career. Set that boundary now. She may "emotionally vomit" all over you for it, but explain it to her that you value her career reputation, and therefore will support her in a good reputation by not doing it for her. She needs to learn it.

When you say this to her

"I feel like you are abusing my love for you by emotionally manipulating me".

you are not taking responsibility for your own actions. If you believe it is emotional manipulation, then you need to set the boundary and not let her manipulate you. You can listen to her stress, but it is not your stress to carry. It is her decision to work and to go to school. She needs to own it and stop heaping it on you - and you need to stop letting her heap it on you.

When you do set the boundary, be prepared to tell her the various practical ways that you are prepared to support her. For example, for the time that she is in school, you can pick up the slack at home. Offer to do all the cooking, cleaning, and car upkeep, so it frees up her time to study. And you can support her studies directly by being a practice patient, or by listening to a presentation and giving her feedback, or by helping her work through flash cards of medical terminology or whatever. But you will not do her homework for her. Why? Because you believe in her! Not because you are sick of doing it for her, but because you believe in her! Show her that she's doing well, she's going to be a great nurse, that tough as this is, you know she will be stronger for it in the end.

And yes, there are on-campus supports and counsellors for those who are stressing about school, who are finding it overwhelming, etc. Let her know that "emotionally vomiting" on you is not okay with you, and that the on-campus supports are there for that reason. Stressful times are not a free pass for dumping on your spouse. Let her know that, but do it respectfully. Accusing her of abusing your love and emotionally manipulating you are really not respectful or helpful in solving the issue.

 

[Sarah G]

There is something wrong with you or your marriage that you are using these words to speak about your wife online, not even anonymously. If she or any of her family, prospective employers, friends should happen to google you, they are going to read all this 'emotional vomit bucket' stuff plus the fact that you are doing her work for her. (Assuming that is your real name and real location.)

Maybe you need to check yourself, brother.