What should I know?

[eatenbylocusts]

I'm in a committed relationship now with someone who's been free of alcohol and drugs for 10 years. He still goes to meetings at least once a week, sometimes more and I understand that's necessary for him and will be a part of his life forever. I accepted all of this quite easily because we just clicked so well, but I'm just wondering if there's anything else I should be considering, or things that I should do to support him?

 

[footprints1973]

10 years clean and sober is AWESOME...that is a solid amount of time!

I am in recovery also. All I can suggest is that keep supporting him as it sounds like you are. As a person in recovery, his first priority is to stay sober, and to keep his sobriety he has to make it first in his life along with his Higher Power...or else he may lose everything including you. So it will be important for him to go to meetings and more importantly to help others who want to recover also (STEP 12).

Lastly, while 10 years is awesome, it doesn't mean someone is perfectly recovered. We will still have our ups and downs, temptations, and crises. We are not saints.

Just ask him if there is anything else you could do for him. I'll bet he'll be happy you asked. (I know I would).

Peace and God Bless,
Laura

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Yeah, he told me that the other night and at first I was thinking, wait I should come next after God once we're married, but as he explained it, it made perfect sense to me. Thanks for suggesting asking him. That's like duh, why didn't I think of just asking him? He's got his head screwed on pretty well and knows what he needs.

I've never hung out or dated anyone like him and he's never dated anyone like me (straight-laced or normy as he calls me), but I have a faint understanding of what he's gone through and it makes him even more attractive to me because of how he's living his life now.

 

[footprints1973]

My husband is a "normy" too. He'll probably never fully understand me, but that's ok. I will never understand his "normalness", at being able to stop after one drink or even leave a drink half-finished (shockers!) That's what make me not normal!

Have you ever been to an open speaker meeting with him? That's a good opportunity to hear others speak of their recovery. In my area, non-addicts/non-alcoholics often attend speaker meetings with their significant others. It's pretty cool.

God Bless,
Laura

 

[eatenbylocusts]

My husband is a "normy" too. He'll probably never fully understand me, but that's ok. I will never understand his "normalness", at being able to stop after one drink or even leave a drink half-finished (shockers!) That's what make me not normal!

Have you ever been to an open speaker meeting with him? That's a good opportunity to hear others speak of their recovery. In my area, non-addicts/non-alcoholics often attend speaker meetings with their significant others. It's pretty cool.

God Bless,
Laura

Not yet, but he wants me to come with him some time. I think he's planning on bringing me to one that isn't so laced with profanity, lol.

 

[justanobserver]

What should I know?

I'm in a committed relationship now with someone who's been free of alcohol and drugs for 10 years. He still goes to meetings at least once a week, sometimes more and I understand that's necessary for him and will be a part of his life forever. I accepted all of this quite easily because we just clicked so well, but I'm just wondering if there's anything else I should be considering, or things that I should do to support him?

Its so great that he has been sober for 10 yrs and that you will and do support him.

I dont know if you have heard of Al Anon but its for the families, dependants, friends of the alcoholic (and addict as well).

here si their link - you may have meetings in yiour neighborhood.

http://www.al-anon.org/english.html

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Its so great that he has been sober for 10 yrs and that you will and do support him.

I dont know if you have heard of Al Anon but its for the families, dependants, friends of the alcoholic (and addict as well).

here si their link - you may have meetings in yiour neighborhood.

http://www.al-anon.org/english.html

Thanks. I had kind of forgotten about them. I went to a meeting with him Friday and met some of his friends.
I just found one area that will be an adjustment for me. I like to take dance lessons and want to share this with him and a lot of the country dance lessons take place early in the evening at bars. I asked him about this scenario and he said he'd be willing to go with me, but with a bit more discussion he finally admitted that he wouldn't be comfortable in that scenario, so I wouldn't even think of asking him to do that for me. It's not something I've done often, but it is a bit sad it won't even be an option anymore.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

This relationship is having problems. He seemed like such a great communicator at first. For the most part our major issue has been finding time together because of our schedules and kids that we have not brought into our relationship.

I have found that the three times that I have voiced some discontent/hurt feelings, etc., he will say we'll work on it or whatever, but then give me the silent treatment and just kind of shut down for a few days. Two of those times (including right now) he has suggested I start seeing other guys so I won't be disapointed. There is a new twist in that there is a possibility his dd might be coming to live with him full time.

A few weeks ago he did finally admit that he wanted to run the first time (when I expressed some hurt and discontent with an aspect of our relationship), but told me that God clearly told him to continue. The same issue is causing the same reaction again and I find it very unsettling. I know that his divorce figures in here somewhere, but his past with drugs and alcohol are something he mentions in most of these serious conversations.

I'm not a complainer, but it seems like I can't voice anything but sunshine or sweetness or he will shut down and want to run away. Is the running away a common thing in recovery or is this probably just the failed marriage/wife leaving causing this reaction?

 

[LoG]

Is it normal? For me and a lot of people in recovery that I know, it is. I am over 14 years in recovery and still in a learning mode in how to handle relationships. "Going into my cave" as per Men are from Mars, is not unusual when I am faced with a situation I am not sure how to handle. It isn't about giving my significant other the silent treatment but about trying to process the problem.

Although I can't speak for your friend, I know the issue I had to deal with when my SO expressed hurt or other negative emotions, was fear of rejection/abandonment. The fear of that could get so paralyzing that it was next to impossible to even deal with the actual problem in the relationship. When I could overcome the fear then there was the potential confusion as to whose issue it was, hers, mine or simply a lack of communication.

Sorry I couldn't be of greater help.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Is it normal? For me and a lot of people in recovery that I know, it is. I am over 14 years in recovery and still in a learning mode in how to handle relationships. "Going into my cave" as per Men are from Mars, is not unusual when I am faced with a situation I am not sure how to handle. It isn't about giving my significant other the silent treatment but about trying to process the problem.

Although I can't speak for your friend, I know the issue I had to deal with when my SO expressed hurt or other negative emotions, was fear of rejection/abandonment. The fear of that could get so paralyzing that it was next to impossible to even deal with the actual problem in the relationship. When I could overcome the fear then there was the potential confusion as to whose issue it was, hers, mine or simply a lack of communication.

Sorry I couldn't be of greater help.

Well, it's sort of reassuring, but it's been going on so long that nothing is reassuring at this point. I kind of figured he was trying to protect himself by pushing me away and suggesting I might want to try dating him and other guys. The first two times I knew it wasn't what he really wanted because of a statement he later made. Now I'm really not sure.

He often goes to meetings Thursday, Friday, and Sunday and has lots of friends there. I was hoping that would've helped him process some of this, but it's now Saturday afternoon and he said he would call Friday and let me know if his dd moved in. He knows this kind of waiting is hard on me and it's almost feeling intolerable. A part of me feels like it's over, but I can't even really start grieving yet.


***It took almost a month, but he brought me back into his life and things are going well. Our kids have been introduced.*****

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Arghhh! Last Thursday we had a talk about where we were going. The answer is ???? Once again he's telling me he doesn't want me to wait for the unknown and I should think about being open to meeting some perfect man for me. He's waiting on new child custody agreement to be approved and then getting off child support. He just got a new sponsor and wants to get through all the steps. Maybe this is work he needs to do before he can get serious about us? He met with his sponsor early this morning and actually called me twice today. After Thursday's talk I wasn't sure I'd hear from him since he has his dd with him.

***Bummer, I think God gave me a very clear answer that I needed to break things off with him. He doesn't know if he's ever going to remarry now. It was the best break up experience I ever had though. He thought it was coming and understands he can't give me what I want for me and my kids right now. Pray for my friend Tim if you come by this thread. He wants to be more obedient to God. I miss him already.****

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I'm addicted to an addict.He was just supposed to take me out for ice cream on my birthday last month and now we're back to weekly visits when his dd isn't home. He is just as confused and now asking me what he should do since his dd doesn't wants siblings, doesn't want him to get married, how would we afford a bigger place, wanting a higher paying job which would mean quitting the job he likes so he could earn more money.....

He's been back with his old sponsor for about 3 months and finished all his steps. I was pretty happy to hear that his sponsor is active at church because T lost a lot of church friends in his divorce and hasn't rejoined a men's group at his new church. I was wondering if his sponsor would be someone he would be talking to about all these questions he has? I would be glad to know he was getting advice from another believer.

 

[MyHeroIsJesus]

As a Christian you should continue to keep your focus on your faith, careful not to turn away from any of the people who can encourage you and guide you. God will take care of you if you keep Him first in your life. As for your friend, we are taught that this is a disease instead of sin. Alcoholism/Drug Addiction is sin plain and simple. God is the way to overcome our sin. I have been in recovery for 12 years, unfortunately I do not know many long term recovering addicts, the ones I do know I do not socialize with because they do not have God in their lives. Our recovery/success in these programs depends on 3 basic things; honestly working the steps, helping others and attending meetings. This is the Truth, unless he finds God and puts him first in his life there can be no real success and the only way to know God is to get into His Word. By success I mean internal(Spiritual) not external(worldly). I pray that you and you friend be filled with the knowledge of God's will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding that you may walk in a manner that is pleasing to Him, in all good works bearing fruit.

God Bless

 

[eatenbylocusts]

As a Christian you should continue to keep your focus on your faith, careful not to turn away from any of the people who can encourage you and guide you. God will take care of you if you keep Him first in your life. This is the Truth, unless he finds God and puts him first in his life there can be no real success and the only way to know God is to get into His Word. By success I mean internal(Spiritual) not external(worldly). I pray that you and you friend be filled with the knowledge of God's will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding that you may walk in a manner that is pleasing to Him, in all good works bearing fruit.

God Bless

Thank you.
He is near 11 years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol. It's been about the same amount of time since he turned his life over to God. I believe most of his friends are in the program which is why I was glad to hear that his sponsor is an active Christian. My friend was trying very hard to do God's will in our relationship early on which really endeared him to me. I don't see any growth in him right now and with my own planks it seems that he is not yet willing to submit everything to God.

I know I need to tighten up the physical boundaries even more. If I can't make it happen I suppose I'll have to cut off our visits again. I was hoping there would be some serious spiritual growth while we were apart. He talked about wanting that. I always pray for wisdom and direction for both of us and that he allows God to use him for His will. I forced him to listen to me read Wild at Heart the last time we were together. It's all I can think of right now that I can do to help him in his growth besides pray for him. Hopefully he'll let me continue with the reading and get something out of it.

 

[ww2pigeon]

Hi, I am a recovering Alocoholic, And I know for myself it is hard at times to know what I want or need, that is why I take the 3rd step every morning. I redeicate my life over to God daily. Sometimes it is easier for me to know what I don't want than what I do. I hope this helps. God Bless.

 

[MyHeroIsJesus]

Hi, I am a recovering Alocoholic, And I know for myself it is hard at times to know what I want or need, that is why I take the 3rd step every morning. I redeicate my life over to God daily. Sometimes it is easier for me to know what I don't want than what I do. I hope this helps. God Bless.

Praise God. Seek Christ. As long as you follow God's Word you will persevere.

John 3:16"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. 17"For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.
18"He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
19"This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil.
20"For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.
21"But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

Mathew 7:21" Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.

Christians in AA have an advantage, we have the Bible to turn to when we have cravings and other life issues that cause us to stumble. We do not worship the Bible, we worship Christ our Lord. Remember, whenever God is referred to in AA that our thoughts must be on God the Creator(our Father). We do not have to force anyone else to believe in our God, but when you live Christ centered it will show and others will inquire about what you have, and always be ready to share with them how you found the hope you have, that is the way we can help others. Walk the talk and live a Christ centered life. God Bless.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Hi, I am a recovering Alocoholic, And I know for myself it is hard at times to know what I want or need, that is why I take the 3rd step every morning. I redeicate my life over to God daily. Sometimes it is easier for me to know what I don't want than what I do. I hope this helps. God Bless.

No, not really, but thanks. He doesn't want to spend much time with me apparently and didn't even bother calling on our "regular day" as he called it last week.

I know he's got things to work on and in the meantime I guess he can't work on a relationship. It's too painful to be so close to him one day and have silence almost the whole week. I hope he isn't ignoring God. I had dreams of being his helper while he started some kind of homeless outreach since I've seen how much he wants to help people who are where he was. I believe God told me to stop seeing him back in May and nothing has changed, except that he got my hopes up only to dash them again.

I don't know what will happen in the future, but I guess I need to move forward without him.
****It's official. We're not seeing each other anymore and I'm not even sure what prompted that final decision or when he actually made it, but I'm in the loop now. Even though I know he's not where he needs to be in order to be the spiritual leader, it doesn't change the fact that I miss him. Just praying he puts more time in with his relationship with God and not so much on the single's sites.******