What should I have sorted before seeking marriage?

[vortigen84]

Hi,

I've been thinking a bit about marriage again, I don't think I'm really meant to be single.

So, what types of things should a guy have sorted out in his life before looking for a spouse?

The basics of adulthood, such as living independently and having a source of income, I can meet. I have a full time job, doesn't pay a lot though. Should I seek to upskill and get settled into a better paying career before seeking someone for marriage?

Personality / character wise... maturity. What does being mature enough to take on a spouse look like?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I think it's great that you're trying to prepare for the role. It is a big responsibility to be the spiritual leader of a family even if there are only two. Are you well-educated in God's Word and do you understand your role? I would suggest you ask one of your elders or pastors for their advice. God bless you.

 

[LinkH]

You could get a book on what it means to be a godly husband to help stimulate your thoughts and give you some things to pray about. It is good to have an idea of what a husband and wife's roles are and how to love one another and relate to one another in a godly fashion. Having a good idea of this can also help you with choosing a godly wife.

I've gotten a book I ordered "The Exemplary Husband" and I got "The Excellent Wife" for my wife.

I've just thumbed through both of them, but they look really good so far.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Hi,

I've been thinking a bit about marriage again, I don't think I'm really meant to be single.

So, what types of things should a guy have sorted out in his life before looking for a spouse?

The basics of adulthood, such as living independently and having a source of income, I can meet. I have a full time job, doesn't pay a lot though. Should I seek to upskill and get settled into a better paying career before seeking someone for marriage?

Personality / character wise... maturity. What does being mature enough to take on a spouse look like?

I lived independently, but barely. I was broke as a joke. Full time job? Heck, at least McDonalds would have had opportunities for promotion - I didn't even have that. College education? Hah. Personality? Somewhere between an immature troll and a sarcastic jerk. Recipe for marriage? Yahtzee!

I kinda broke all of the rules that have been established for a lot longer than I've been breaking them. Get married broke, then make your money together. Learn how to handle money when you have none of it. Nobody else will ever say it but it worked for me. Four years in, now we have a significant income and benefits, enough that simply by not willfully blowing it on everything we can, we don't have to worry about it. Those 2 years spent broke and poor taught us more than the last 2 years, and (hopefully) the next infinity years ever will.

Personality: Learn how to balance your own needs with hers. You can't put her desires first at all times because you'll just get burnt out and she'll learn never to take no for an answer, but you can't put yours first at all times because that just makes her upset and you selfish. Oh, and don't expect to marry mom. Household chores will be split and/or shared.

 

[JaneFW]

Hi,

I've been thinking a bit about marriage again, I don't think I'm really meant to be single.

So, what types of things should a guy have sorted out in his life before looking for a spouse?

The basics of adulthood, such as living independently and having a source of income, I can meet. I have a full time job, doesn't pay a lot though. Should I seek to upskill and get settled into a better paying career before seeking someone for marriage?

Personality / character wise... maturity. What does being mature enough to take on a spouse look like?

I would suggest taking the Dave Ramsey Financial University course. You don't have to be making a fortune if you know how to budget, how to spend smartly, and how to save. You can start some excellent habits, and when you marry, you can teach them to your wife. IMO, don't "up skill" unless you know that you will have pleasure in the job that you will then obtain. Are you happy at your job now? IMO, it's better to be fulfilled, making a decent amount, with good prospects, than go for the highest paid job out there, only to be absolutely miserable. Of course, if the highest paid job is also fulfilling, then you are on to a winner.

The fact that you are thinking in these terms shows maturity! But how have your relationships worked out so far? Have you had satisfactory relationships with women, or did they crash and burn? Have you gotten a good perspective on why they didn't work out, and have you dealt with your side of the break ups i.e. can you see your faults in those relationships? And resolve to not repeat them? What was your parents marriage like? Is there a happy marriage in your background that you would like to emulate? If so, can you talk to the guy and get some pointers on how they make it work?

I'm sure there are books! Tons of them. But some self-introspection and prayer would help you tons too.

 

[vortigen84]

The fact that you are thinking in these terms shows maturity! But how have your relationships worked out so far? Have you had satisfactory relationships with women, or did they crash and burn? Have you gotten a good perspective on why they didn't work out, and have you dealt with your side of the break ups i.e. can you see your faults in those relationships? And resolve to not repeat them? What was your parents marriage like? Is there a happy marriage in your background that you would like to emulate? If so, can you talk to the guy and get some pointers on how they make it work?

I've never had a "serious" girlfriend, nothing long term anyway.

For what it's worth, I've done some short term dating, asked a few women out from church, etc. I've never really gone very far with anyone though, things fizzle out. I think this is because I was very possessive and moody at the time I was trying to meet women, I was idolizing women and pretty much had no interests or anything going on in life besides trying to find someone, selfish as hell I know. I decided to put all that on hold several years ago after I stupidly asked a flatmate to sleep with me and she explained she was only into men. Well I took that to heart and have grown in maturity somewhat since then, but I'm still not sure whether I'm ready to look for someone yet. I don't think so eh, that's why I'm asking what exactly I need to have down pat before I try again.

I've listened to some sermons by a bloke called Mark Driscoll, the main thing I took from them is the need to be able to provide. Well I have no idea how much a woman costs, but I suspect it's more than I'm making now. I can afford to look after myself, but beyond this I don't know. In fact I pretty much don't know where I'm going in terms of career right now, I'm in a dead end job. So no I don't think I'm ready yet for someone but I do want to know where I should be heading next. My elder at church has been telling me that I need to get married, to go to singles events, etc. I just don't think I'm ready for that.

 

[JaneFW]

Woah. I can only suggest that you stay clear of Mark Driscoll. He has some seriously messed up stuff going on, and particularly about men and women. There is far more to marriage than you "providing for" your wife. I mean, I don't think there is a set out rate of how much a woman "costs". This is your helpmeet. Your partner. She's not a budget item.

Your elder needs to keep his nose out, to be honest. There is no pressure, no rush. Seriously, look into the Dave Ramsey thing, because it is all Christian oriented, and I think it's an excellent program especially for young people, because if you started doing it now, there's no reason why you couldn't retire early and comfortably.

I'm glad that you were able to assess where you were going wrong in previous relationships, but did you really get to the bottom of your possessiveness? And btw, what your flatmate said to you was pretty crude. She could have put it in different terms and been kinder!

I don't know any books or anything, I'm sorry, but my advice would be to take it slow, get to know women as friends, and be sincere with them. If you want to improve your job prospects, do so. It's good for you as well as anything else. Bear in mind that if you have children, that will be a considerable expense.

 

[renewed21]

Hi,

So, what types of things should a guy have sorted out in his life before looking for a spouse?

I'd say you should sort out the fact that you will enjoy life less.

 

[blackjellybean]

I don't know any books or anything, I'm sorry, but my advice would be to take it slow, get to know women as friends, and be sincere with them. If you want to improve your job prospects, do so. It's good for you as well as anything else. Bear in mind that if you have children, that will be a considerable expense.

OK - thanks.

(PS This is wiremu.white, I'm just switching over to a new profile.)

 

[LinkH]

Most of what I've heard from Mark Driscoll on marriage is actually pretty good, though he has said a few statements that are extremely controversial related to certain sexual practices within marriage. Voddie something or other is a preacher whose videos are on Youtube who has some videos about Biblical Manhood, marriage. I think its a Biblical manhood series that would be good for having a framework to think about whether you are ready for marriage or are a suitable person to marry. He frames it in terms of the type of man he would want to marry his daughter.

 

[A2597]

Hi,

I've been thinking a bit about marriage again, I don't think I'm really meant to be single.

So, what types of things should a guy have sorted out in his life before looking for a spouse?

The basics of adulthood, such as living independently and having a source of income, I can meet. I have a full time job, doesn't pay a lot though. Should I seek to upskill and get settled into a better paying career before seeking someone for marriage?

Personality / character wise... maturity. What does being mature enough to take on a spouse look like?

That you're asking these questions says a lot about your character!

I'd be on the fence about living independently, because then you have to learn how to live with someone else, how to rely on each other. (I'm in that boat right now...). But more important is charachter wise. Learning patience and forgiveness and being able to compromise.

 

[PrinceOfPeace75]

Hi,

I've been thinking a bit about marriage again, I don't think I'm really meant to be single.

So, what types of things should a guy have sorted out in his life before looking for a spouse?

The basics of adulthood, such as living independently and having a source of income, I can meet. I have a full time job, doesn't pay a lot though. Should I seek to upskill and get settled into a better paying career before seeking someone for marriage?

Personality / character wise... maturity. What does being mature enough to take on a spouse look like?

I am currently writing a whole book about this very topic. Will let you know when it is ready and it might help