What should I do?

[Poltionorch]

In my country (Belgium) most main religions are subsidised by the government. The amount of financial support they receive depends on the number of followers they have. The catholic church keeps this information in their baptism registers.

A while ago I sent a signed letter to the diocese to get 'debaptised' since I've been an atheist for as long as I can remember and I do not want the church to receive any money for my "membership". I know some of you do not agree with what I have done, but this is not what I wanted to talk about.

My grandparents are very devout Catholics. Now the priest in our religious community has visited our house to tell me that I am no longer welcome in the church and that I should be ashamed. The problem is that my grandparents have a mass organised for him every 3 months. I always attend these because it offers me a moment to think about him and to pay my respect.

Now that I am no longer welcome in the church, I don't know what to do. I don't think he'll kick me out if I attend the mass for my dead uncle. But I do not want to disrespect him either. And I know my grandparents would be disappointed if I stopped going to the masses. But I haven't told them that I am an atheist.

So what do you think I should do? Should I tell my parents that I'm an atheist? Because I know for sure that that would cause them a lot of pain. They would not be angry with me, they would simply fear that I would go to hell after I die. Should I continue to attend church or should I respect the priests wish?

I'm really at a loss here and I could appreciate some advice.

 

[BrianOnEarth]

I think you are right to cancel your subscription.
Is dishonesty the right policy? Well, it seems we are doomed to tell untruths for good reasons.
If you are going to lie to why not tell everyone you have changed to a different religion? Just choose something innocuous that has an afterlife. How about Buddhism - reincarnation is quite optimistic. Don't shave your head though! This way your parents won't think you are entirely without salvation and this may mitigate their anxiety. Compromise?
I suppose it may look bad to the priest if you cancel your payments to the church but continue to use their facilities for attending mass. Perhaps it would be appropriate for you to make a small donation each time you attend.

 

[Poltionorch]

Err, I don't pay the church, the gouvernment decides to pay them a certain sum based on how many followers they have. I'm just officially not a catholic anymore. I prefer not to lie about this. I just never talked about it to my grandparents.

 

[BrianOnEarth]

Err, I don't pay the church, the gouvernment decides to pay them a certain sum based on how many followers they have. I'm just officially not a catholic anymore. I prefer not to lie about this. I just never talked about it to my grandparents.

I was being metaphorical. If you prefer not to lie then you had better think of a tactful and gentle way to spill the beans to your grandparents. You will not be able to change their beliefs so they will worry about you if you tell them you are atheist - there is no getting around this. I would try to find a way of telling them you are no longer Catholic but that you still have an open mind about spiritual belief and are open to it rather than rejecting of it. Play on your resignation from the Catholic church being about specifics of the Catholic church rather than religion in general. Avoid calling yourself an "atheist". Use agnostic if you have to declare something or existentialist or something not associated with Richard Dawkins et al!

 

[singpeace]

I would say pray about it, but that won't work here, will it?

Is what the priest did to you considered protocol? It's abusive, in my opinion.

I would like to know if you ever tried any other Christian denomination?

I have no idea what to say. I've never been Catholic, but have been a Christian for 20 years.

I would never want to hurt my grandparents, but I also would never allow a priest to intimidate, humiliate, and manipulate me. That isn't even Christ-like to begin with, and any Christian should know better.

 

[Poltionorch]

I would say pray about it, but that won't work here, will it?

Is what the priest did to you considered protocol? It's abusive, in my opinion.

I would like to know if you ever tried any other Christian denomination?

I have no idea what to say. I've never been Catholic, but have been a Christian for 20 years.

I would never want to hurt my grandparents, but I also would never allow a priest to intimidate, humiliate, and manipulate me. That isn't even Christ-like to begin with, and any Christian should know better.

I don't know if what he did was protocol. I don't think he can really forbid me from attending a mass held for my uncle. But he can tell my grandparents that I'm an atheist. After I got debaptised, he even visited my house to persuade my parents into convincing me to undo it and get baptised again. I don't know why. He never cared about me being an atheist before, only when I made it official he got angry.

And no, I've never tried another christian denomination. I don't believe. Not in any sort of supreme being/intelligence/consciousness... It is somewhat of a tense subject in my family since our family's name is Decoster, which translates to the sacristan... Our family has a tradition of aiding the priests in our village, so me being an atheist is quite the sore subject.

 

[Poltionorch]

I was being metaphorical. If you prefer not to lie then you had better think of a tactful and gentle way to spill the beans to your grandparents. You will not be able to change their beliefs so they will worry about you if you tell them you are atheist - there is no getting around this. I would try to find a way of telling them you are no longer Catholic but that you still have an open mind about spiritual belief and are open to it rather than rejecting of it. Play on your resignation from the Catholic church being about specifics of the Catholic church rather than religion in general. Avoid calling yourself an "atheist". Use agnostic if you have to declare something or existentialist or something not associated with Richard Dawkins et al!

But I love my grandparents a lot. They are truly the most wonderful people ever. It's hard to explain how amazing they are. My grandfather started working on the farm when he was 12 when his father died in the war. He worked his butt off till he was 65. He raised a family of 5 and lost one of his sons. He never made much money and now that's he's retired, he has a very small pension. But when I had difficulties paying for my studies, he helped me out. My grandmother is much the same. They are truly decent human beings who will help others even if it means they will have less.

If I tell them that I do not believe in god/s, they will fear that I will go to hell after I die and that I will be doomed forever. These are supposed to be the years of their life in which they can finally enjoy life and take it easy. I don't want to cause them unnecessary stress or fear simply because I don't share their faith.

 

[zaksmummy]

Being a stubborn and hot-headed person that I am I would attend every Mass I wished. The church is there for the people, not the other way around, maybe remind the priest if he tries to kick you out.

Jesus wouldnt turn you away and neither should he.