My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I knew that he had viewed porn sites before we were married. Mostly in his teen years. It wasn't a secret. We became very involved in our church about 1 1 /2 ago and to me we were on the right track. He is even in school to become a pastor. About 6 months ago I caught him him looking at porn. I was very upset. I consider it a type of cheating. I didn't feel like he wanted me. He promised he would never do again. But just two days ago I caught him again. I brought it up and he at first lied about it, but of course we all know computers don't lie. SO I asked him again and he admitted to it. But said he had only looked twice since promising to me. I am so hurt. I feel like I don't even want him to touch me. I asked him why he did it and he said that we were fighting at the time. I feel like he cheated on me. Am I over reacting? What should I do?
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What should I do?
- Thread starter cr_sears
- Start date
Kelly
Dungeon Master
My wife caught my habit about a year ago. It crushed her. I'm a fairly new Christian too and had tried before to quit on my own power. Her confronting me, explaining how it feels and how it effects her thought of me, really hit home and I basically gave it all up to Jesus.
As my relationship with Jesus grew stronger, the urges to look at porn went away. I think our love life is finally past it, she forgave me but our trust has been broken and may never be the same as it was before. When I need to work late on the PC, she's very hesitant to go to bed without me, even though I'm doing work. I understand her concern. So, I don't work late...I go to bed too. It's a small price to pay to rebuild that trust.
On the plus side, since giving up porn, I've noticed our sex life has greatly improved. It's much more intense and bonding...and I never have performance issues anymore, like I did when I was satisfying my urges alone.
As my relationship with Jesus grew stronger, the urges to look at porn went away. I think our love life is finally past it, she forgave me but our trust has been broken and may never be the same as it was before. When I need to work late on the PC, she's very hesitant to go to bed without me, even though I'm doing work. I understand her concern. So, I don't work late...I go to bed too. It's a small price to pay to rebuild that trust.
On the plus side, since giving up porn, I've noticed our sex life has greatly improved. It's much more intense and bonding...and I never have performance issues anymore, like I did when I was satisfying my urges alone.
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
Kelly, That's really cool that you have made choices to keep yourself pure--things that you could justify doing (like staying up late working on the computer), but that you choose not to do, partly to keep your wife's trust, and partly becuase you are aware of your own weaknesses. That is just AWESOME.
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To the Original Poster, of course you feel betrayed and hurt. You were betrayed...makes sense to feel that way after the fact. And whether or not you were fighting at the time doesn't make it right for him to sin, and it's a lame excuse on his part.
(At the same time, for example, if a woman refuses to have sex with her husband for a year, she has no right to say it's ALL his fault when he starts looking elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. Though he is still sinning, she was in sin too, and some of the blame DOES lie on her shoulders. You see what I mean--there's a fine balance there).
For your husband's sake, I would really encourage him to get some help: find an accountability partner, put up a program on his computer that bans porn sites, do SOMETHING that will cause him to take active steps to keep himself from these temptations.
We all have different temptations, you know--some of a sexual nature, some of us relish gossiping, some of us lazy, some of us greedy, etc,etc,etc, but the important thing is that we realize our particular weaknesses, and then do our best to keep OUT of situations that make it easy to partake of.
Advice from Scripture: FLEE temptation. Don't put yourself or allow yourself to be in a position where your particular sin is easy to do. Do whatever you need to do to make that happen.
If your husband is in school to become a pastor, then he needs to get a handle on this temptation NOW, because when he's facing all the pressures and needs and temptations that full-time ministry offers, he's going to have a much more difficult time working through it.
Don't buy the, "I've got it all straightened out and I'll never do that again" line. It means he hasn't realized the fact that this is (and is going to be) a temptation for him, probably for his whole life. The degree of temptation, however, will lessen, as he takes active steps to admit it, and to remove himself from tempting situations.
Warm Regards,
Molly
***
To the Original Poster, of course you feel betrayed and hurt. You were betrayed...makes sense to feel that way after the fact. And whether or not you were fighting at the time doesn't make it right for him to sin, and it's a lame excuse on his part.
(At the same time, for example, if a woman refuses to have sex with her husband for a year, she has no right to say it's ALL his fault when he starts looking elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. Though he is still sinning, she was in sin too, and some of the blame DOES lie on her shoulders. You see what I mean--there's a fine balance there).
For your husband's sake, I would really encourage him to get some help: find an accountability partner, put up a program on his computer that bans porn sites, do SOMETHING that will cause him to take active steps to keep himself from these temptations.
We all have different temptations, you know--some of a sexual nature, some of us relish gossiping, some of us lazy, some of us greedy, etc,etc,etc, but the important thing is that we realize our particular weaknesses, and then do our best to keep OUT of situations that make it easy to partake of.
Advice from Scripture: FLEE temptation. Don't put yourself or allow yourself to be in a position where your particular sin is easy to do. Do whatever you need to do to make that happen.
If your husband is in school to become a pastor, then he needs to get a handle on this temptation NOW, because when he's facing all the pressures and needs and temptations that full-time ministry offers, he's going to have a much more difficult time working through it.
Don't buy the, "I've got it all straightened out and I'll never do that again" line. It means he hasn't realized the fact that this is (and is going to be) a temptation for him, probably for his whole life. The degree of temptation, however, will lessen, as he takes active steps to admit it, and to remove himself from tempting situations.
Warm Regards,
Molly
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Jenna
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I'll come back soon, but I wanted to make sure that I posted this for you while it was fresh in my mind. www.settingcaptivesfree.com
cr-sears, I think that I might have a thing or two to offer. I'll send you a PM tomorrow, as soon as I beat my sniffles into submission in the morning. God bless....
www.settingcaptivesfree.comcr-sears, I think that I might have a thing or two to offer. I'll send you a PM tomorrow, as soon as I beat my sniffles into submission in the morning. God bless....
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I have no advice to give but I wanted to say that I am sorry you're going through this. I know it has to hurt terribly. You are not overeacting.
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F
flounder7786
Guest
it hurts...like crazy...doesnt it...you wouldnt expect it to hurt that bad till you find out that your sig. other does it...its hard...i dont know...pray about it...like all my advice...PRAYER iS THE KEY
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lancers1990
Active Member
Get the book "Every Man's Battle." Read it yourself then give it to him.
Also check out xxxchurch.com
Also check out xxxchurch.com
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Thank you all for your advise. I talked to my husband and we are both doing ok now. Through Jesus Christ you can do anything!
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cr_sears... That is wonderful news. Please keep us posted and we'll continue to keep you in our prayers...Michaelcr_sears said:
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