- Nov 13, 2002
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I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I'd try to stall him until the authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to put film in my camera).
"Don't jump!" I said.
"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."
"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"
"Yes, I believe in God," he said.
"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"
"Protestant," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"
"Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
"Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Arminian Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Auugghh!!! You're a heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.
"Don't jump!" I said.
"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."
"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"
"Yes, I believe in God," he said.
"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"
"Protestant," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"
"Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
"Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Arminian Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Auugghh!!! You're a heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.
